[last lines]

Detective: All right, come on, come on, what's going on? Come on, what is it? Come on!

Clergyman: Please, sir, I beg of you, there's a dead man here.

Detective: All right, no one move!

[long pause while he realizes it's a church burial]

Detective: Finsbury?

Michael FinsburyJulia FinsburyMasterman FinsburyJoseph FinsburyMorrisJohn Finsbury: Yes?

Detective: MORRIS Finsbury!

John Finsbury: [turning Morris around and pointing at him] Yes.

Detective: Morris Finsbury, I arrest you for stealing £100,000.

Lawyer Patience: But the money has been returned, sir.

Detective: Who are you, sir? Some sort of accomplice?

Lawyer Patience: Certainly not: I am his solicitor.

Detective: Oh, you've brought your solicitor with you, have you? Yes, I've met your type before.

Lawyer Patience: No, no, no. I mean, I, I, I'm the administrator of the tontine.

Detective: Tontine?

Joseph Finsbury: Named after Lorenzo Tonti, a Neapolitan banker.

Detective: And who are you, sir?

Joseph Finsbury: I...

Masterman Finsbury: [interrupting] He's nobody. He's my young brother.

Detective: And who are you, sir?

Masterman Finsbury: None of your business, sir!

Detective: I shall have you arrested for indecent exposure!

Julia Finsbury: Oh!

Michael Finsbury: My grandfather was recently buried, sir.

Detective: And who are you, sir?

Julia Finsbury: He is Michael Finsbury.

Detective: And who are YOU, madam?

Michael Finsbury: She is Julia Finsbury, shortly to become... Julia Finsbury!

Detective: Young man, did you know there was a body in the piano?

Peacock: I did it.

Detective: Who is he?

Michael Finsbury: He is the butler, sir.

Detective: The butler did it?

Michael Finsbury: No, sir. I put the body there.

Detective: Is this true?

Michael Finsbury: Yes sir.

Detective: In that case, you are entitled to a reward of £1,000. You are responsible for bringing the Bournemouth Strangler to his just end.

Michael Finsbury: A, a thousand pounds? Oh, but I-I-I don't, I don't deserve it. The body just arrived in a barrel.

John Finsbury: I sent it.

Detective: And who are you, sir?

Morris Finsbury: He is of diminished responsibility, officer. It was all my doing. If there's any justice in this naughty world, the reward is mine.

Detective: And WHO are YOU?

[falls into open grave]

Morris Finsbury: You remember me - Morris Finsbury. I was falsely accused of stealing a hundred thousand pounds, whereas in fact it was me, and me alone, who was responsible for bringing the Bournemouth Strangler to his just desserts.

[Aboard a train engine after a wreck]

First Driver: Fred?

Stoker: Yeah?

First Driver: We haven't heard the last of this.

[the doctor, owner of dozens of cats, is coughing]

Doctor Pratt: I'm all right; it's just a fur ball; it's nothing. Strangely, I haven't had fur for a fortnight.

Doctor Pratt: Well, it'll cost you five shillings.

Morris Finsbury: Price is no object.

Doctor Pratt: Right. Ten shillings, then. Payable in advance.

[about parents]

Julia Finsbury: Oh, I only knew mine vaguely. My father was a missionary. He was eaten by his Bible class.

Morris Finsbury: I was wondering - do you by any chance happen to have any - uh - death certificates?

Doctor Pratt: Do I happen to have any death certificates? What a monstrous thing, sir - what a monstrous thing to say to a member of the medical profession! Do you realize the enormity of what you have just said?

Morris Finsbury: Yes. Do you have any death certificates?

Doctor Pratt: How many do you want?

Masterman Finsbury: Now, you're to go to Joseph and tell him I want to see him.

Michael Finsbury: Yes sir. But won't that upset you sir?

Masterman Finsbury: Upset me? Of course it'll upset me. But nothing will upset me more than not winning the tontine and leaving you with a mountain of debts and a doubtful future as an idiot in a profession of rogues and charlatans.

Peacock: How's your grandfather this morning?

Michael Finsbury: He says he's dying, Peacock.

Peacock: Oh, he always says that.

Michael Finsbury: But Peacock, he wants to see his brother Joseph...

Peacock: He must be dying.

Queen Victoria: In recognition of your many and varied services to the crown, I dub thee...

[the sword descends too fast]

Queen Victoria: Oh. We are frightfully sorry, Sir Robert.

[Recounting the railway accident]

Joseph Finsbury: I was in the water closet of the Bournemouth express when it quite unaccountably exploded, thereby extensively damaging the rest of the train. I can't really think that I was to blame, although at the time I was smoking.

Morris Finsbury: Now what we need is a venal doctor.

John Finsbury: But - Uncle Joseph's dead! It's too late!

Morris Finsbury: Not for him, for us! Now, you remember that chambermaid you got into... um...

John Finsbury: ...thing.

Morris Finsbury: Thing. Who was the doctor who did the, um...

John Finsbury: ...thing. Uh, Pratt, Dr. Pratt.

Morris Finsbury: Was he venal?

John Finsbury: I - I didn't like to ask.

Morris Finsbury: Well, did he do the...

John Finsbury: ...thing. Yes.

Morris Finsbury: Good.

John Finsbury: But... what's he got to do with it?

Morris Finsbury: He's part of the plan. Now you and I are the only two people in the world who *know* that Uncle Joseph is, uh...

John Finsbury: ...thing.

Morris Finsbury: ...dead.

Morris Finsbury: I collect eggs, Doctor.

Doctor Pratt: Eggs, yes. Oh, I enjoy an egg myself, yes. They don't make good pets, though; you can never get them in at night.

Detective: [barging into a funeral] Alright, come on, come on, what's going on, what is it, come on, come on!

Clergyman: Please, sir, I beg of you. There's a dead man here!

Detective: Alright, no one move!

Peacock: [a grand piano jammed in a doorway] You know what that is? That is stuck. That is what that is.

Michael Finsbury: [examining a Classical Greek statue] Is it a fraud, Peacock?

Peacock: Life is a fraud, Master Michael.

John Finsbury: Morris! Do you realize it's a criminal offense to wear that coat?

Morris: I'm not wearing any *trousers*!

John Finsbury: ...but that too is a criminal offense!

Joseph Finsbury: [carrying on a one-sided conversation with the Bournemouth Strangler] Ahh, the avocational activities of man are many and varied. Some demand skill - yours for instance! Carpentry... the playing of games with balls of various sizes!

Joseph Finsbury: [riding with the Hackett funeral party] It is, as you know, a statistical fact that in London one person dies every twenty-five seconds - which means that it is extremely probable that one of us may not even live to arrive at the ceremony!

Michael Finsbury: It's from Lady Pitman. She's sending back the statue we sent her. Says it's a fraud... Was it a fraud, Peacock?

Peacock: Life is a fraud, Master Michael.

Julia Finsbury: So, that's where you go every morning. I see you often, through the window.

Michael Finsbury: Oh, what an extraordinary coincidence. I look at you through the window.

Michael Finsbury: I never knew my parents. They were killed in a balloon ascension.

Julia Finsbury: Well, I only knew mine vaguely. My father was a missionary. He was eaten by his Bible class.

Michael Finsbury: Your mother?

Julia Finsbury: She too. They never eat one without the other.

Morris Finsbury: Dr. Pratt? Are you Dr. Pratt?

Doctor Pratt: Are you from the police?

Morris Finsbury: No.

Doctor Pratt: Well, I am Dr. Pratt.

Doctor Pratt: Now then, take off your clothes and cough.

Morris Finsbury: Doctor, it's not me.

Doctor Pratt: It's certainly not me, sir. It's probably one of my cats.

Morris Finsbury: I collect eggs, doctor.

Doctor Pratt: Yes, I enjoy an egg myself. They don't make good pets though. You can never get them in at night. They're too quiet.

Morris Finsbury: Dr. Pratt. Rouse yourself, Dr. Pratt.

Doctor Pratt: What... I tell you, the lady was already dead when I arrived, constable.

Morris Finsbury: Dr. Pratt

Doctor Pratt: Come in.

Morris Finsbury: I was here earlier. You asked me to return.

Doctor Pratt: Oh, yes, yes. I've got what you want. Here... black currant jelly. It contains 12 grains of arsenic. Just spread it on your mother's bread and butter.

Morris Finsbury: Doctor, I wanted a death certificate.

Doctor Pratt: Oh, you've done her in already, have you?

Julia Finsbury: I've always wanted an empty room of my own. Ours are so cluttered.

Michael Finsbury: Oh, we have lots of empty rooms. Would you like to see another one?

Morris Finsbury: I know you are a medical student, cousin, so I need hardly remind you that blood is thicker than water.

Michael Finsbury: Yes. Five times as, I believe.

Morris Finsbury: You realise you made me drop my grebe?

Military Officer: [Morris has torn his trousers] Sir! I didn't lose my right eye in the Indian Mutiny to have my left eye offended by the youth of England standing around with their arses hanging out!

[repeated line]

Doctor Pratt: I was not always as you see me now!