Jimmy Bond: You can't shoot me! I have a very low threshold of death. My doctor says I can't have bullets enter my body at any time. I-I, eh, eh, oh, oh, what if I said I was pregnant?

Smernov: [Lions approaching vehicle] I did not come here to be devoured by symbols of monarchy.

Piper: Excuse me. Are you Richard Burton?

Evelyn Tremble: No, I'm Peter O'Toole!

Piper: Then you're the finest man that ever breathed.

Mata Bond: [In front of 10 Downing Street] Oh, Daddy, I do so long to meet him. All the girls do. He really turns me on!

Sir James: Did that finishing school teach you to talk like that?

Mata Bond: No, I taught them. Oh, do be a pet, Daddy.

Sir James: Be a good girl, do run along and watch the changing of the guard.

Mata Bond: I bet Mummy would have taken me in.

Sir James: Mummy took everyone in.

Sir James: You better bring me up to date. Who is on what assignment?

Hadley: Well, it's not a very happy picture, sir.

Sir James: [Looking at a map] Why all the black flags there?

Hadley: They've been liquidated, I'm afraid, sir. Our Finland, stabbed to death in a ladies sauna bath, sir. Our Madrid, burned in a blazing bordello, sir. And, Tokyo, sir, garroted in a geisha house.

Sir James: It's depressing that the words "secret agent" have become synonymous with "sex maniac."

[speaking amorously to The Detainer, believing he has seduced her to his cause]

Jimmy Bond/Dr. Noah: And afterwords we can run amok! Or if you're too tired, we can walk amok.

Jimmy Bond: [being led to a firing squad] You do know of course that this means an angry letter to The Times?

Sir James: I remember your chap Lenin very well. First class organizer. Second class mind.

James Bond: What are you going to do?

Le Chiffre: Physically, I'm not going to do anything.

James Bond: Ah, you're going to nothing me to death.

Le Chiffre: Torture of the mind. The most exquisite torture is all in the mind.

Vesper Lynd: Mr Evelyn Tremble?

Evelyn Tremble: Yes, that's right.

Vesper Lynd: Isn't Evelyn a girl's name?

Evelyn Tremble: No, it's mine, actually.

The Detainer: You're crazy. You are absolutely crazy!

Jimmy Bond: People called Einstein crazy.

The Detainer: That's not true. No one ever called Einstein crazy.

Jimmy Bond: Well, they would have if he'd carried on like this.

Sir James: [taking the reins of the British Secret Service] Oh, by the way, Moneypenny, since I've come in here, have you heard me stammer?

Miss Moneypenny: No, sir!

Sir James: Splendid. Let me know if I do; I haven't got time for that sort of thing now.

Narrator: Seven James Bonds at Casino Royale. They came to save the world and win a gal at Casino Royale. Six of them went to a heavenly spot. The seventh one is going to a place where it's terribly hot.

Mata Bond: Who is Le Chiffre?

Polo: Nobody knows, not even Le Chiffre.

M: Debussy. He plays Debussy every afternoon from sunset until its too dark to read the music. Stands on his head a lot. Eats royal jelly. Let's his intestines down and washes them by hand. Something he learned during his sojourn in Tibet.

Le Chiffre's Representative: Gentlemen, I'm here tonight on behalf of my client, Le Chiffre - of whom you all have heard - to offer by auction this unique collection of art treasures. Are there any specific bidding instructions?

Russian Officer at Auction: Our instructions are that when we are sitting we are bidding. When we are stranding we are not bidding.

USA Officer at Auction: We'll do our bidding sitting down. When we're standing up, we're not bidding.

Chinese General: We stand, we bid. We no stand, we no bid.

Le Chiffre's Representative: And, eh, the British representatives?

British Officer at Auction: Well, I-I don't know, actually. Sort of, a bit of both, I suppose, really. Is that alright with you chaps?

Frau Hoffner: Hmmm, it is little Otto. He was one of your mother's lovers. We often find him lying around.

Mata Bond: Is he dead?

Frau Hoffner: Hard to tell. He always looked like that.

Polo: This is your mother's room. It has not been opened since the day she left here in 1916. You see. Nothing has been touched.

Mata Bond: It's a wild room! Hey, what an enormous bed!

Polo: The German army was very large in those days.

Sir James: My dear, Miss Lynd.

Vesper Lynd: Who are you, sir?

Sir James: I am Sir James Bond.

Vesper Lynd: But, I thought you were retired, Sir James?

Sir James: The whole world believes that you were eaten by a shark, Miss Lynd.

Vesper Lynd: That was no shark. That was my personal submarine. But enough of this polite conversation. What is the purpose of your visit?

Sir James: I desperately need your help.

Miss Moneypenny: I really have to note your qualifications.

Cooper: Height: six foot two and a half. 184 pounds. Trophies for karate and judo, holder of the Kama Sutra black belt.

Miss Moneypenny: Very impressive. How do you spell that?

Cooper: I'll show you!

Evelyn Tremble: Mr. Mathis, there's something that's been worrying me...

Inspector Mathis: Yes?

Evelyn Tremble: Well, you're a French police inspector, yet you speak with a Scots accent.

Inspector Mathis: Aye, it worries me, too.

Q's Assistant: [showing Bond a pen] When the nib touches the paper it releases a stream of poisonous gas into the writer's eye.

Evelyn Tremble: Ideal if you want to send a...

Q's Assistant: [chiming in wearily] ... Poison pen letter, yes, all our agents say that, sir.

Sir James: [Giving a description of his era's spy type] ... vocationally devoted, sublimely disinterested. Hardly a description of that sexual acrobat who leaves a trail of dead beautiful women like so many blown roses behind him - that bounder to whom you gave my name and number.

Q: [to Evelyn Tremble entering the laboratory. He hands him a form] If you'd be good enough to sign here, sir. It's not for me, it's for the Official Secrets Act.

Evelyn Tremble: [Vesper has just been kidnapped] Haven't by any chance seen a young lady in a green dress, have you?

Casino Doorman: [Who witnessed the kidnapping] Let me see, sir. Would that be a lady with a black bag over her head being manhandled by two unsavory gentlemens?

Evelyn Tremble: Could very well be, yes.

Casino Doorman: She went that way, sir, in a car.

[Evelyn is afraid of looking through a window]

Vesper Lynd: Don't worry it's a one-way mirror.

Evelyn Tremble: Which way?

Bacillus Box: ...Handle these capsules with care. Dr. Noah's bacillus is highly contagious. This germ, when distributed in the atmosphere will make all women beautiful and destroy all men over 4'6". Please handle these capsules with care.

Evelyn Tremble: [He and Vesper are leaving] Excuse me.

Casino Director: Willingly.

Mata Bond: You know, if you weren't my dad I think I could fancy you.

Sir James: That's very good of you, my dear. Rather warm in here, don't you think?

Mata Bond: Cool it, Charlie. So you want me to go to Berlin, huh?

Sir James: Now Mata, you remember the old house on the Felmannstrasse?

Mata Bond: Yeah, where Mum had a dancing school.

Sir James: That has now become International Mother's Help. But that's just a cover for its real function. It is... Does he speak English?

Mata Bond: Hey Charlie, you speak English?

Charlie: No.

Sir James: [In Mata's room] Who are all these people?

Mata Bond: They're the high priests of the temple. Okay, Fred, up it!

[a priest gets up and bows as he leaves]

Sir James: What an extraordinary performance. They seem to treat you like some kind of goddess.

Mata Bond: Well, I am the celestial virgin of the sacred altar.

Sir James: Figuratively speaking, of course.

Mata Bond: Of course.

Sir James: It's vaporized lysergic acid, it's highly explosive!

Sir James: [Legionnaire salutes and rattles off something in French] Beg pardon?

French Legionnaire: [consults the book chained to his belt] The French have arrived!

Sir James: Look out!

French Legionnaire: [turns and punches a bad guy, then grabs his fist] Merde!

Sir James: Beg pardon?

French Legionnaire: [consults his book again] Ooch?

Sir James: [Eyeing Miss Lynd's ostentatious pantsuit with extravagant feathered headdress] What a charming outfit that is. Do you often wear it in the office?

Vesper Lynd: If I wore it in the street, people might stare.

Le Chiffre: Bond? James Bond? The name is familiar.

Evelyn Tremble: I don't believe I've had the pleasure. Though, I'm flattered you've heard of me.

Le Chiffre: I have heard of you; but, not as an expert on baccarat.

[in a building that is about to explode]

Cooper: What's the strategy, sir?

Sir James: Get out of the bloody place before it blows up!

Frau Hoffner: Come along, child. The auction is about to begin.

Mata Bond: Auction?

Frau Hoffner: Tonight we are selling one of the finest art collections in Europe.

Mata Bond: Le Chiffre's collection?

Frau Hoffner: Who?

Mata Bond: Le Chiffre.

Frau Hoffner: Who's Le Chiffre?

Mata Bond: The man who owns the collection.

Frau Hoffner: What collection?

Mata Bond: The collection that's about to be auctioned.

Frau Hoffner: Who said anything about an auction?

Mata Bond: You did.

Frau Hoffner: Who am I?

Mata Bond: Frau Hoffner.

Frau Hoffner: Never heard of her. You're insane, my child, quite insane.

Mata Bond: I think she's right!

Evelyn Tremble: Grand Prix enthusiasts may be worried by the amount of time it has taken me to get into this Lotus Formula Three. What they don't realize is, although Le Chiffre thinks he has a faster car than me, I am faster in my Lotus Formula Three. Hee Hee!

[during a session in which Cooper is being trained to resist women]

Cooper: It goes against my nature, you know.

The Detainer: I sense that, too. What are you doing after the exercise?

Cooper: Having my head examined.

Evelyn Tremble: If I'm not back in five minutes, start without me.

Q's Assistant: What side do you dress on?

Evelyn Tremble: Away from the window.

Sir James: [Jimmy Bond is flailing his arms crazily trying to communicate] I never should have sent him to a Progressive school.

Sir James: Be careful, that's my loose kneecap.

Mata Bond: [Pulls down the handle on a toilet and floor circulates to another room] It's the first john I've ever gone around with.

Frau Hoffner: [Mata just arrived at International Mother's Help] Who are you? What do you want?

Mata Bond: I'm here to enroll as a student.

Frau Hoffner: What are you qualifications, hmmmm?

Mata Bond: I am the daughter of Mata Hari.

Polo: Mata Hari!

Frau Hoffner: You are a liar.

Mata Bond: Am I? What about this, then?

[She takes off her coat to reveal a belly-dancing outfit]

Polo: [struggling up the stairs] My battery needs recharging.

Mata Bond: Maybe your head needs examining.

Polo: No, I had that examined last week.

Polo: You're so like your mother, you're driving me insane.

Mata Bond: Well, you haven't got far to go.

Polo: Come to me. Come to me, my little Mata. Come to me. Come!

[He falls off the bed, Mata opens the door]

Mata Bond: About time you were back in your box, innit?

Polo: You must forgive me. I lose control of myself. I'm a mad fool. Mad.

Mata Bond: You want an argument?

Frau Hoffner: The Mata Hari School of Dancing is the only truly international school of espionage in the world.

Polo: In the world.

Frau Hoffner: There is no political prejudice here.

Polo: Prejudice.

Frau Hoffner: We train Russian spies for America.

Polo: America.

Frau Hoffner: And American spies for Russia.

Mata Bond: Very democratic.

Frau Hoffner: *Very* democratic.

The Detainer: [Dr. Noah declares his desire for the Detainer, who is captive, nude, and strapped down] Do you treat ALL the girls you desire this way?

Jimmy Bond/Dr. Noah: [impatiently] Yes! Oh yes, I remove their clothing and tie them up, yes! I learned that in the Boy Scouts.

Vesper Lynd: Haven't you read the papers today?

Evelyn Tremble: I don't normally get them quite so early.

Vesper Lynd: I get them before they're printed.

Evelyn Tremble: Well, I suppose you can do anything if you have money.

Le Chiffre: Don't worry about that chair with a hole in the middle. It's merely waiting to be reupholstered.

M: A veritable Eden, is it not, gentlemen?

Le Grand: Eden without an Eve is an absurdity.

Ransome: [Making introductions] Ransome, CIA, Sir James.

Sir James: Ju-Junior Cypher Cu-Cub, in my day, weren't you, Ransome?

Ransome: Yes sir. J-C-C, Class G, S-I-C 2-S-C-C-T,CIA, Washington, DC.

Sir James: Calamity makes strange be-bedfellows. But, why, I wonder, in the strength of your unity, do you disturb an old-fashioned gentleman in his retirement?

M: We need your inspirational leadership in this dark hour.

Le Grand: Please give us the benefit of your inconquerable powers of deduction.

Ransome: For the freedom loving peoples of the world!

Smernov: For the sake of the glorious, socialist revolution.

Sir James: If I may interrupt this flow of cliche, it is now that time of day I have set apart for - Debussy.

Ransome: But why, why at the height of his powers did Bond decide to retire?

Le Grand: Mata Hari, my dear friend.

Ransome: What's the connection?

Le Grand: The woman in his life.

Ransome: I don't get it?

Le Grand: It was his painful duty to lure her across the Spanish frontier to France - where he stood her in front of a firing squad.

M: He really loved - that woman.

Sir James: Good lord! Moneypenny, you haven't changed a bit.

[Long Kiss]

Miss Moneypenny: Actually, I'm Miss Moneypenny's daughter.

Sir James: How is your dear mother?

Sir James: Hadley, we're up against an opposition of fiendish ingenuity. They make incredible use of women.

Hadley: Yes, they tend to, nowadays, sir.

Sir James: Female spies harassed me in Scotland. Female spies chased me to London. We need an A-F-S-D.

Hadley: Sir?

Sir James: Anti-Female-Spy-Device. We find the one man all women want and we train him not to want women.

Agent Mimi: Naught else, remains?

Sir James: Nothing to sp-speak of, I'm afraid. It was found in a tree, a hundred yards from where he stood. It took off, was it were and flew like a bi-bird. But, whether it is an article of ap-apparel or an-an anatomical fea-feature? That is the question? Should it be given Christian bu-burial? Just how pe-personal is - a - toupee?

Agent Mimi: It can only be regarded as - a heirloom.

Miss Moneypenny: [Kissing on a bed] And what is your name?

Cooper: Cooper, big eyes; but, don't be formal, call me Coop.

Miss Moneypenny: It sounds like something for keeping birds.

Cooper: That's me!

Sir James: From now on, all remaining agents and trainees will be known as James Bond 007, including the girls.

Cooper: Won't that be rather confusing, sir?

Sir James: Exactly! The enemy won't know which way to turn. You are now, James Bond.

Miss Moneypenny: Congratulations, 007.

Cooper: And you, 007, sir.

Sir James: Good hunting, 007!

Agent Mimi: Sleep on hard nails, on thinkin' on my dearie. All a long night, awake, grovelin' in grief. Comfort me, Jamie, lad. Gimme your bosom to weep on. Doodle me, Jamie.

Sir James: Really, madame!

Agent Mimi: I here by claim my widow's due according to McTarry tradition, let me be comforted. Doodle me!

Sir James: A quaint custom, but one more honored in the breech, than in the observance.

Agent Mimi: Then you'll have to pay the Piper!

Sir James: No one can be such a perverse idiot as to assault a Customs official. It must be deliberate.

Miss Moneypenny: It may just be natural talent, sir.

Le Chiffre: I see everything that goes on at this table. Nothing escapes me.

Evelyn Tremble: I'm quite sure it doesn't. But, you know, we mustn't forget, that...

[Begins speaking in an Indian accent]

Evelyn Tremble: the beggar who is sitting in the market place, he is completely deaf, in so much as far as listening to the song that is coming from the mockingbird, is concerned.

Le Chiffre: I'm sorry, Mr. Bond, I don't get the connection.

Evelyn Tremble: Aw, you will. You will.

Sir James: All this trouble just to make up for your feelings of sexual inferiority? I'm beginning to think your a trifle neurotic.

Jimmy Bond/Dr. Noah: Think of it! A world free of poverty and pestilence and war. A world where all men are created equal. Where a man, no matter how short, can score with a top broad. Where each man; regardless of race, creed, color; gets free dental work. And a chance, of subscription buying, of all the good things in life.

The Detainer: But, Noah, you are for all this?

Jimmy Bond/Dr. Noah: No-no. I'm against all this.

The Detainer: Oh, I love politics!

Sir James: Look at my garden. Out there - there is a b-black rose. Not dark red. But, black - as a raven's wing at midnight. Gentlemen, I would not exchange one single pe-petal of that lovely flower for anything your world has to offer, including an Aston Ma-martin complete with lethal accessories.

Sir James: Are there any ma-man in the house?

Heather: Nane but the Pipers. M'Daddy only liked the lassies.

Sir James: Your-your Daddy really was a diff-different man in Whitehall.

Buttercup: [Sitting in a bathtub with Sir James] Its getting very cold!

Sir James: Right.

Buttercup: My Daddy liked it hotter!

Sir James: I am not your Da - quite.

Sir James: My dear.

Agent Mimi: One more request, the last. Think of me as the second woman in your life - the one after Mata Hari. Kiss me, Jamie. Kiss me, goodbye.

Sir James: I must say, this place brings back a few memories.

Miss Moneypenny: Yes. Mother told me some of them.

Sir James: [Opens liquor cabinet] She probably also told you that I'm partial to jasmine tea.

Miss Moneypenny: [Writes it down] Jasmine tea, sir.

Lorelei: [Kisses Cooper] Doesn't that do something to you, 007?

Cooper: It does. But, I'm being trained to ignore it. Beauty's only skin deep.

Lorelei: How 'bout some skin diving?

Vesper Lynd: I do so like to feel comfortable with whatever I'm doing.

Evelyn Tremble: Oh, yes, in deed. Yes. The more relaxed the muscles, the - better the synchronization between mind and body.

Vesper Lynd: I should think you're frightfully synchronized, Mr. Tremble. Martini?

Evelyn Tremble: What about them?

Vesper Lynd: I was about to offer you one.

Mata Bond: Oh! You want me to be a spy - like mum, huh? Well.

Sir James: Family tradition, my dear.

Mata Bond: Do I get an exploding brief case and a secret transmitter?

Sir James: That won't be necessary.

Mata Bond: Well, I have to have some equipment.

Sir James: Your mother wiped out three divisions of infantry and five brigades of calvary and, well, frankly, she had much less equipment than you have.

Evelyn Tremble: Tell me, Miss Goodthighs, how much did you tip the porter to let you in here?

Giovanna Goodthighs: I just showed him a little kindness.

Evelyn Tremble: How much?

Giovanna Goodthighs: Not too much. He's 83.

Evelyn Tremble: Oh, it's a good year.

Giovanna Goodthighs: Mmm, James, I *need* you.

Evelyn Tremble: Yes, yes, yes. Well, I can understand that, my dear. I can understand that.

Giovanna Goodthighs: I want to know you better.

Evelyn Tremble: You're absolutely right.

Le Chiffre: It looks as though luck isn't on your side of the road tonight, old man.

Evelyn Tremble: She has a habit of moving around.

Vesper Lynd: Never trust a rich spy!

Cooper: What's the strategy sir?

Sir James: Get out of the bloody place before it blows up.

Heather: I'm Heather.

Meg: I'm Meg. Your bath is ready, Sir James.

Sir James: Thank you.

Heather: At the end of the passage.

Sir James: Very kind of you.

Heather: Let us help you out of your dirties.

Sir James: I think, I can manage.

Meg: We always helped Daddy.

Agent Mimi: Oh, my love is like a red, red rose - that's newly sprung in June.

Jimmy Bond: Four...


Jimmy Bond: ... three...


Jimmy Bond: ... two...


Agent Mimi: [Referring to a painting on the wall] To your right Sir James Bond, Lady Mary. Daughter of Douglas McTarry, raped by the Campbells in 1622. In retaliation of which Lord Douglas sent his only son, Hamish, out to rape twel' Campbell lasses.

Sir James: At-t-t the same time?

Agent Mimi: Eldest first, of course. As prescribed by scripture. Youngest bore him triplets. Their union thus bounteously blessed a contract of marriage was entered into which brought the McTarrys Black Loch, Ben Tarn, the Shagsa Rock, Glenlocke and a good stretch of salmon water.

Taxi Driver: Taxi!

Mata Bond: Tally-ho!

Jimmy Bond: [escaping the firing squad] So long, suckers!

Sir James: Ah, this is where you come in Moneypenny. I want you to go through all the Auxiliary Files.

Miss Moneypenny: The lot, sir? It'll take all night.

Sir James: Your mother did some of her best work at night.

Sir James: They seem to treat you like some kind of a goddess.

Mata Bond: Well, I am the Celestial Virgin of the Sacred Altar.

Sir James: Figuratively speaking, of course.

Mata Bond: Of course! Some tea?

Sir James: Ah, cup of tea, splendid.

Mata Bond: Its made from poppy seeds. Two cups of this and you're stoned out of your mind!

M: He used to say a good spy is a pure spy - inside and out.

Ransome: A good spy is a pure spy.

Le Grand: Not good, great! The greatest spy in history, gentlemen.

M: The true - one and only - original - James Bond.

Vesper Lynd: So nice of you to come.

Evelyn Tremble: My pleasure.

Giovanna Goodthighs: I'm Miss Goodthighs.

Evelyn Tremble: I can see that. You've got your cork still in your bottle.

Giovanna Goodthighs: So I have. What are you going to do about it?

Sir James: So, that's your plan, huh? The world full of beautiful women and all men shorter than yourself.

Jimmy Bond/Dr. Noah: This will show Sir James, once and for all, which of us has the perfect body. The poor boob!

Dr. Noah: Proceed with SMERSH Plan B. Sir James Bond is back - with his morals, his vows, and his celibate image. We must destroy that image.

Buttercup: I'm testing the temperature of the water. As I always did for my Daddy. He used to call me his little thermometer. Well, get in!

Sir James: Get in?

Buttercup: Get in!

Sir James: [Gets in the bathtub] You're sure I'm not crowding you?

Buttercup: Get in! Ah, don't you want your back scrubbed?

Sir James: Thank you. What is your name, my dear?

Buttercup: Buttercup.

Sir James: How old are you?

Buttercup: Seventeen.

Sir James: Do you go to school?

Buttercup: Daddy taught us.

Sir James: [Sitting in a bathtub with Sir James] What form are you in?

Buttercup: You need judge that for yourself, Sir James.

Sir James: What is your favorite subject?

Buttercup: Anatomy.

Miss Moneypenny: Eh, wIll you be needing me tonight, sir?

Sir James: Very probably.

Vesper Lynd: Why don't you come down to me?

Evelyn Tremble: Thank you very much. Lovely place you've got down there.

Vesper Lynd: There are things I didn't understand to well in your book. Let me see, eh, was it in Chapter 7 or Chapter 6?

Evelyn Tremble: Chapter 6, probably. Then, of course, it could have been, Chapter 7. Have you got the book or is it still in your bed?

Vesper Lynd: I believe it is.

Polo: You must forgive me, I lose control of myself. I'm a mad fool. Mad.

Mata Bond: You want an argument?

Polo: Remember, forget everything I tell you.

Mata Bond: My lips are sealed.

Polo: Lips! Those lips that...

Mata Bond: Run. Run along, son.

Evelyn Tremble: So, what can I do for you?

Giovanna Goodthighs: The question should be what can I do for you?

Evelyn Tremble: Good. You got any suggestions?

Giovanna Goodthighs: Yes. For one.

[Draws him close for a kiss]

Giovanna Goodthighs: Tell me about yourself, James.

Evelyn Tremble: Oh, well, I've had some pretty wild times in my life. Em, could you move over a bit. You're lying on my loose change.

Evelyn Tremble: [to Miss Goodthighs] Look, I think I better - freshen up a bit. Quick. I'll be back in five minutes. If I'm not, start without me.

Cashier: Thank you, Monsieur. Could we have the name please?

Evelyn Tremble: Bond. James Bond.

Cashier: James Bon - James Bond?

Vesper Lynd: Yes. James Bond.

Evelyn Tremble: Yes. James Bond.

Cashier: I wonder if you'd be kind enough to sign my autograph book. It's not for me, you understand, it's, eh, my little sister.

Vesper Lynd: I went through a lot of trouble to bring you here.

Sir James: Dear Vesper, the things you do for money.

Vesper Lynd: This time it's for love, Sir James.

Evelyn Tremble: Do you know me from somewhere?

Vesper Lynd: Your book, "Tremble and Baccarat". I've studied it very closely - at night - in my bed.

Evelyn Tremble: Is that where you study it?