[original version]

Ralph Valmont: Who's that? Must be Stud.

[redubbed/MST3K version]

Ralph Valmont: Is that Stud... coming?

Diabolik: [as he and Valmont freefall from a plane that has suddenly exploded] I almost forgot. When I stumbled, I attached a magnetic capsule to your plane.

Ralph Valmont: Who cares? Pull the cord!

Eva Kant: I was expecting you, Inspector.

Inspector Ginko: I knew you wouldn't be able to resist seeing him.

Diabolik: You got the time, baby?

Eva Kant: [posing as a prostitute] Depends, handsome - so far, I've turned down all offers.

Diabolik: Why? What's your price?

Eva Kant: An emerald necklace!

Diabolik: [chuckles] You look worth it. Hop in.

[she gets into Diabolik's Jaguar]

Diabolik: Well?

Eva Kant: Lady Clark's room is... is the highest window, the one that's lit up.

Diabolik: And?

Eva Kant: l saw a truck delivering some television equipment.

Diabolik: Closed-circuit TV... many police?

Eva Kant: About fifty outside, and thirty inside dressed as waiters.

Diabolik: Hm, and Ginko's the chef.

Eva Kant: I didn't see Ginko.

Diabolik: If you didn't see him... he's there. Anyone notice you?

Eva Kant: Oh, one of the girls on the sidewalk asked me a few questions. She thought l was trying to move in on her beat - a redhead.

[they chuckle, not knowing the redhead is a spy for Valmont]

Prostitute: [on Eva] You can't fool me. She was no pro. I got suspicious right away. It was obvious. I could see at first glance that she was just "putting it on".

Ralph Valmont: Remember what she looks like?

Prostitute: Sure I do! Who could forget what she looked like? The way she was decked out in red, she looked like a cardinal, hmph! She had good legs, though.

Ralph Valmont: Joe... call Tony. l figured Diabolik would make a play for those emeralds.

Rose: Who wouldn't? They're beau-tiful!

Ralph Valmont: Dry up, stupid! This might be our big chance. If you're right, I'll take good care of you.

Prostitute: Want me to describe her?

Ralph Valmont: Not to me - to Tony. Tell him.

[Tony sets up an identikit]

Prostitute: Well, look at that! That's a funny-lookin' thing, what is it? I'm talking to you, what is it?

Tony - Identikit Operator: You'll see. Don't touch it!

Eva Kant: You've been asleep for twenty hours.

Diabolik: Twenty hours?

Eva Kant: I slipped you a sleeping pill.

Diabolik: Why?

[Eva gently kisses his nose]

Eva Kant: When you're not planning, I'm afraid you get restless. I'd rather have you sleep.

[they kiss]

Bank Manager: It's the largest single shipment dollars ever made - at six in the morning.

Inspector Ginko: Mm-hm.

Bank Manager: If you'll sign here, Inspector.

Inspector Ginko: Right.

Bank Manager: I've never seen such precautions just to reach the port.

Inspector Ginko: The whole underworld worries me less than a single man.

Bank Manager: Diabolik?

Minister of the Interior: Ladies and gentlemen, and especially the ladies and gentlemen of the press, who are with me here in this television studio... this conference has been arranged for the express purpose of enabling me to pass onto you some extremely heartening news. Your government, ever vigilant, determined to stamp out... to crush, the current crime wave, has restored... the death penalty.

[audience chatters]

Minister of the Interior: As a temporary measure, of course. Faced with this extreme form of punishment, the socially-sick elements of our society... by that, I mean, criminals...

Journalist: Are you referring to Diabolik?

Minister of the Interior: Diabolik... I assure you that this individual, whose very name whose very name reveals his antagonism to the established values of our society, will soon be brought... to justice!

[as the crowd chants "Hear, hear" and chatters, Diabolik, disguised as a photojournalist, uses his camera to spread "Exhilarating Gas" around the room]

Minister of the Interior: This criminal paranoid seems to have dedicated himself to a one-man fight against our society. This black mark, this manifestation of exaggerated delinquency has exceeded the boundaries of rational behaviour, within and without the legal structure that is the very basis of our freedom, and way of life.

[some of the audience members chuckle]

Minister of the Interior: Mm-hm. He also seems to derive a great deal of pleasure... from me...

[Diabolik "takes a picture", interrupting the Minister, who smiles and waves away the smoke coming from the camera]

Minister of the Interior: Making fun of our entire police force. He is certainly not going to make a fool of me.

[Diabolik and Eva leave as the entire room erupts into uncontrollable laughter]

Inspector Ginko: Yes. Yes, sir.

Minister of the Interior: ''Yes, sir''? Don't try to ''Yes, sir'' me, sir! You either.

Police Chief: Yes, sir.

Minister of the Interior: What am l going to say to the Prime Minister? ''Yes, sir''?

Police Chief: Yes, sir.

Minister of the Interior: [slaps desk] NO, SIR! l am going to have to come up with some brilliant idea. Otherwise, he's going to find a new Minister of the Interior, and the next man may not have the same understanding of police methods as I have. Can you grasp that?

Police Chief: No, sir.

Minister of the Interior: Preposterous to think that one man can make a fool of the ENTIRE police force! We're a laughingstock in the world press, and our own newspapers are screaming for action! And that is PRECISELY what l intend giving them: vigorous, clear-sighted action. Now, firstly, it is obvious to the logical and well-trained mind that the first thing that Diabolik is going to do is to get those dollars out of the country.

Inspector Ginko: Logical suggestion, sir.

Minister of the Interior: [flattered] Mm, thank you!

Inspector Ginko: But, I'm afraid, quite useless.

Minister of the Interior: What?

Inspector Ginko: Diabolik will handle the ten million dollars, but in some quite different way.

Minister of the Interior: What ''quite some different way''?

Inspector Ginko: A way no mind but his could imagine.

[cut to Diabolik and Eva making love on top of the money]

Ralph Valmont: [Syndicate members on flying plane] We've just concluded an executive meeting of the Syndicate. We've taken a democratic vote. Five in favour of my plan, and three against it.

[shoots two of the dissenters]

Frank: I change my vote! Don't shoot! Please! Please! Don't shoot! Don't shoot!

Ralph Valmont: Since you said "please", I won't shoot.

[Valmont presses button, floor trap door opens - Frank, the last dissenter falls out screaming]

Ralph Valmont: Goodbye, Frank.

Ralph Valmont: I would like us to make a little bargin, Inspector.

Inspector Ginko: Really now, bargin with the police? I've got a good job. Since when do I make bargins with your kind? For once, we've got special powers.

Ralph Valmont: Diabolik will manage to lose you your job. You can always apply to me. You'll find yourself better off. You'll be more warmly dressed, and... and your women less.

Diabolik: [as the police close in] DAMN you, Ginko!

[Rose's skirt is blown upwards by the air from the trapdoor in Valmont's plane]

Rose: Oh, Ralph! Nice - fresh air!

Ralph Valmont: Scram!

Inspector Ginko: Where's the Rolls?

Diplomat: It disappeared!

Inspector Ginko: What are you talking about?

Chauffeur: We turned 'round, Inspector...


Chauffeur: And it was gone, just like that!

Sergeant Danek: Inspector, look!

[their Rolls-Royce is hauled up by a crane under Diabolik's control]

[first lines]

Sergeant Danek: All right, how we doing?

Police Officer: The last bag.

[flicks through a small pile of white paper the size of dollar bills]

Police Officer: All plain paper. Hm, very clever! You know, I wonder how security would feel if they knew they were guarding waste paper instead of ten million dollars?

[puts the remaining "bills" into the bag]

Police Officer: Well, seems to be it.

Inspector Ginko: [looking over two officers disguised as diplomats] Splendid. Just splendid. And dignified, too. They're meant to be diplomats?

Sergeant Danek: Ah, they're our best men.

Inspector Ginko: Ah.

[addresses one of the officers]

Inspector Ginko: You're a diplomat. Look sophisticated.

[the officer adjusts his posture slightly. Ginko condescendingly sighs before turning to the other officer]

Inspector Ginko: You're a man of the world. Polished, witty, bored.

[notices a bulge in his clothes]

Inspector Ginko: What's that?

[takes out his gun and grabs his gloves]

Inspector Ginko: Here, put it in your hat - and these.

Diabolik: Don't come near, honey. Molten gold wouldn't suit your skin.

Eva Kant: You be careful.

Diabolik: Don't worry. With this suit, l could swim through the center of the sun.

Diabolik: [as the police swarm the underground lair] Run. I'll meet you in Tunnel Number 7; they'll never find us there.

Eva Kant: [panicked] Why aren't you coming now?

Diabolik: I've got to open the locks. They'll drown like rats.

Eva Kant: I'll wait for you. I'm not going alone!

Diabolik: Eva, you'll not be alone while I live! Now, go!

[Eva slowly disappears into the darkness of a cave]

[last lines]

Eva Kant: [to Inspector Ginko after Diabolik seemingly dies covered in gold] Please... give me a few seconds more. Alone.

[Ginko turns away. Diabolik winks at her]

Eva Kant: Thank you, Inspector. You don't know how... grateful I am.

[after Diabolik is assumed to have committed suicide to escape capture]

Sergeant Danek: You don't look very excited, Inspector.

Inspector Ginko: In a strange way, I'm sorry.

Sergeant Danek: "Sorry", Inspector?

Inspector Ginko: As though he'd become part of my life. l can't believe he's really dead.

Dr. Ferrara - Morgue Physician: We'll begin with a circular incision... scalpel.

[Eva, disguised as a nurse, reluctantly hands him the scalpel. As Ferrara prepares the incision, Diabolik suddenly awakens, pulls off his surgical mask and turns the scalpel on him]

Diabolik: Krushan, doctor. The Tibetan lamas have used it for three thousand years. lt brings on a state of suspended animation for twelve hours. But if you're not given the antidote, the apparent death becomes real. How long's it been, Eva?

Eva Kant: [checks a clock] Eleven hours and fifty-seven minutes. I thought it would be too late.

Eva Kant: [talking to journalists while disguised as a nurse and wheeling Diabolik away] I'm sorry. All l can tell you is that it will be... sensational. Bye, now.

Diabolik: [disguised as an elderly relative of Valmont collecting his ashes] He was basically a good boy... always sent money to Mama.


Crematoria Operator: There, there. Buck up. He'll soon be home at last. He's at peace now. Let's see if he's ready yet.

[hands Diabolik the urn]

Crematoria Operator: Please.

[checks inside the retort]

Crematoria Operator: Ah, yes, he's ready!

[opens the oven door and prepares to extract Valmont's ashes]

Crematoria Operator: Every time... I reflect on Man's insignificance...

[notices the emeralds in the ashes]

Crematoria Operator: I say!

[Diabolik knocks him out with the urn]

[the new Minister of the Interior puts out a million-dollar reward for Diabolik's capture]

Mr. Hammond: With this new plan of action, everyone will collaborate. Even his mother will turn him in.

Police Chief: No, sir.

Mr. Hammond: What do you mean, "No, sir"?

Police Chief: l don't believe he has a mother, sir.

Mr. Hammond: Hm. Oh, well... in any case, I'll have no negative thinking in my police force.

Police Chief: Sorry, sir. It's a habit. The former minister always insisted that we...

Mr. Hammond: My predecessor's policies don't interest me. *I* am minister now, AND I WANT THIS MAN CAUGHT!

[nurses his hurt finger after slamming it on the desk with each shouted word]

Mr. Hammond: There is my policy.

Police Chief: Yes, sir.

Mr. Hammond: All you can say is ''Yes, sir''? With this reward, the whole country will be out to catch him!

Inspector Ginko: What if...?

Mr. Hammond: There are no "ifs"! A million dollars wipes out "ifs"! The reward has turned public opinion against him.

Mr. Hammond: [whispering, after reading a letter] Unheard of!

Police Chief: [reading] ''ln view of the bad use to which the government has put the public money, I shall take steps to remove it from circulation. Signed... Diabolik''.

Mr. Hammond: It's. A. Joke. AND WE'LL CALL HIS BLUFF!

[montage of the tax offices being blown up by Diabolik]

Minister of Finance: Ladies and gentlemen... this is the first opportunity that I have had of talking to you on the television as your new Minister of Finance. I shall speak frankly. I shall not conceal from you the gravity of the recent blows to our tax system, upon which, of course, the well-being of our entire society is... based. Not only have many millions' worth of tax receipts and currency and cheques gone up in flames, but far more tragically, the tax information files of virtually every taxpayer in this nation...

[clears throat]

Minister of Finance: Have been destroyed. In this appalling emergency, I have taken upon, taken it upon myself to appeal to the civic pride of each and every one of you, whether you are watching this program or not. Let each come forward voluntarily to pay the tax he thinks he owes.

Citizen: What is this, the comedy hour?

Minister of Finance: I know... that I shall not have appealed to you in vain. I feel it. It is not a matter of only civic pride, but is a matter of national pride. I am perfectly certain that you will not cold-shoulder me, you will not turn your back on me, because it would not be a matter of turning your back on me, but on your very country.

[bemused, the citizens turn their backs on him]

Ralph Valmont: I told you I'd cross your name off the human register... LIAR!

[fires a volley of bullets in a cross formation, killing Dr. Vernier]

Old Woman: Excuse me, where is the doctor?

Diabolik: He's in shock.

Old Woman: What?

[Diabolik limps briefly, then discards his cane and runs away]

Diabolik: [after placing nine of the emeralds around Eva's chest] Happy birthday.

Eva Kant: Oh, you shouldn't have done it!

[they kiss and fall into a pool]

Ralph Valmont: The necklace.

Diabolik: When I've got Eva back.

Ralph Valmont: No necklace, no Eva. That's the deal!

Diabolik: Is that the only deal you've got going today, Valmont?

Ralph Valmont: I don't have to talk. I could kill you instead.

Diabolik: Go ahead. All you've got to do is push that button.

[Valmont doesn't push the trapdoor button. Diabolik walks away from the trapdoor towards him]

Diabolik: Valmont, this is most unprofessional.