[last lines]

Michelle Monet: Oh, here's your hat.

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Oh, look... you keep it.

Michelle Monet: But you may need it.

Hrundi V. Bakshi: No, I'd like you to keep it.

Michelle Monet: All right. If you think that you should want it or need it sometimes...

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Well, if I need it... I could always come, perhaps, and pick it up.

Michelle Monet: That would be very nice.

Hrundi V. Bakshi: When would you be available for me to pick up my hat?

Michelle Monet: Well...

[laughs shyly]

Michelle Monet: maybe next week.

Hrundi V. Bakshi: I'll come and get it then.

Michelle Monet: OK.

Hrundi V. Bakshi: For I'd love to have my hat back.

Michelle Monet: Goodbye.

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Bye bye.

[repeated line]

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Birdie Num Num

C. S. Divot: Who do you think you are?

Hrundi V. Bakshi: In India, we don't think who we are. We know who we are.

C. S. Divot: You're meshugah!

Hrundi V. Bakshi: I am not your sugar.

Hrundi V. Bakshi: We have a saying in India...

Michelle Monet: Yes?

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Yes.

Michelle Monet: Well?

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Well what?

Director: You.

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Me?

Director: Yes, you. Get off of my set, and out of my picture. Off, off! You're washed up, you're finished! I'll see to it that you never make another movie again!

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Does that include television, sir?

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Wisdom is the province of the aged, but the heart of a child is pure.

Michelle Monet: That's very pretty. I'm not sure I know what it means.

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Neither do I.

[repeated line]

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Howdy partiner.

Director: Cut dammit! Cut! Mr Bakshi.

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Yes, Sir?

Director: Has it occurred to you that the period of our picture is 1878?

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Oh, yes indeed sir. I am well aware that that is the period of the film. 1878.

Director: Mr. Bakshi, are you also aware that in 1878 they weren't wearing underwater watches?

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Yes sir, I know that. They had not even been invented.

Director: Got the time?

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Yes, it's...

[looks at his underwater watch]

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Oh my God.

Levinson: [Comes in with a plate of hors d'oeuvres with Hrundi's shoe on top of it] Would you care for some hors-d'oeuvres sir?

Hrundi V. Bakshi: I am on a diet, but to hell with it!

[Takes his shoe]

Hrundi V. Bakshi: This is a particularly good one because it helps you always to remember how many days there are in each month. It goes like this: Thirty days have September, October, June and February, all the rest have 29, except my brother who got six months.

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Hrundi V. Bakshi.

Michelle Monet: Pardon?

Hrundi V. Bakshi: That is what my name is called.

Hrundi V. Bakshi: [to Fred] She's having the birdie num nums.

'Wyoming Bill' Kelso: Where are you from?

Hrundi V. Bakshi: I am from India.

'Wyoming Bill' Kelso: Got you covered, Injun.

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Oh! Bang! Howdy, pardner!

'Wyoming Bill' Kelso: Pretty quick on the draw there.

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Never I believed in my whole life I would meet him, and he would go "Bang, pardner!" Listen to me: white man speak with forked tongue.

Hrundi V. Bakshi: [answering telephone] This is 469-6151. Please remain connected to the telephone.

Rosalind Dunphy: [Hrundi is clucking over the P.A. system] What in the world is that?

Congressman Dunphy: I can't imagine.

Hrundi V. Bakshi: I love a good laugh, don't you? It makes the world go round. It's good to have a laugh. Wonderful.

Hrundi V. Bakshi: [to Wyoming Bill] Oh, you got me right in the pantaloons, partner.

Molly Clutterbuck: Hey, gang. Hey, gang, we're gonna wash the elephant.

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Do you speak Hindustani?

Michelle Monet: No.

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Well, you are not missing anything.

'Wyoming Bill' Kelso: I gotta get downstairs before Conchita cools off. You come downstairs with wet clothes on, I'm gonna stomp you and the horse you ride in on. You got that?

Michelle Monet: You were saying something about a saying.

Hrundi V. Bakshi: It's an honor to have had my hand crushed by 'Wyoming' Bill Kelso. Wait until I tell them back home.

[winces, then sticks his hand in ice that contains caviar]

Hrundi V. Bakshi: [Sniffs] Poo...

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Hello, dog. What do you want, eh? You like my feet, do you? Have your fill and away you go. Feet are considered a delicacy among certain animals, you know. Go on. You've had enough now. Off. Ciao, dog. In fact, there are certain man-eating animals who will eat only the feet, leave everything else. Can't touch one another thing. Get away. Ciao, now. Ciao, dog. Get away. Get away from me. dog.

[repeated line]

Levinson: Vodka or scotch?

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Excuse me, sir, but, you are, are you not, "Wyoming Bill" Kelso, the famous film star?

'Wyoming Bill' Kelso: That's me, in the flesh.

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Oh, God. What a moment in my life! Oh, sir, I've seen every one of your films.

'Wyoming Bill' Kelso: Oh, well, that's wonderful! Wonderful!

Hrundi V. Bakshi: [to the bird] Would you like? Would you like some food, Polly? Pretty Polly.

'Wyoming Bill' Kelso: [to Hrundi] Oh, howdy, little buddy,

Michelle Monet: [about Charles Divot] It's not really his fault.

Hrundi V. Bakshi: He's a terrible man. Please stay at the party. Let's have a wonderful time.

[first lines]

Director: All right, cut it! Cut it!

C. S. Divot: [to Michelle] And forget about that test tomorrow, baby. You're finished in this business before you even start! You're wiped out! You're finished!

Hrundi V. Bakshi: What is this game you call to get the brightly colored balls in the hole?

'Wyoming Bill' Kelso: Pool.

Hrundi V. Bakshi: POO?

'Wyoming Bill' Kelso: Not poo! POOL!

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Oh, POOO-EL!

'Wyoming Bill' Kelso: That's right!

Hrundi V. Bakshi: How many people can play this poo-el?

'Wyoming Bill' Kelso: Oh one or two or a whole bunch of people!

Michelle Monet: Do you speak French?

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Well, just enough to get myself into trouble.

Congressman Dunphy: Who's the foreigner?

Fred Clutterbuck: I don't know. Someone my mixed-up wife invited.

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Pay no attention to me, sir. I am merely spectating.

Hrundi V. Bakshi: You old horned toad, buddy!

Alice Clutterbuck: Now, listen here, young lady, you get that elephant out of this house at once!

Hrundi V. Bakshi: How would you like it if an Indian person, such as myself, came along and drew a mustache and a beard on your Lady Bird?

'Wyoming Bill' Kelso: Hold on, Conchita! I'm comin'!

Hrundi V. Bakshi: It's wonderful. I tell you, tonight is one big round of laughter. All fun and laughter.

Fred Clutterbuck: The Congressman was just telling us about the time he was robbed.

Michelle Monet: [singing] Both you and I have seen, What time can do, We'll only hurt ourselves, If we build dreams that don't come true, What can we lose? We know the score...

Molly's Friend: But your mother's having a party.

Molly Clutterbuck: Can you think of a better time to shake 'em up?

Hrundi V. Bakshi: [referring the elephant Molly brought to The Party] You should be ashamed of yourself.

Molly Clutterbuck: Why?

Hrundi V. Bakshi: This is a symbol of my country.

Molly Clutterbuck: Don't you paint them in India?

Hrundi V. Bakshi: Yes, but we don't paint slogans all over them. Look, he has got "The World is Flat" on his forehead. "Socrates Eats Hemlock" on the side... And "Go naked" all over his bum.

Michelle Monet: [singing] Nothing to lose, It might be fun, No talk of spending lifetimes in the sun...

Hrundi V. Bakshi: [When Levinson pours wine through his fingers] I know you would like me to have it but I don't want it.

Clutterbuck's Secretary: Your wife called about the guest list for The Party.

Fred Clutterbuck: Yeah, on the desk. You know where to reach me.


Clutterbuck's Secretary: [locates the wrong list, picks up the phone] I need an address for Hrundi V. Bakshi. B-a-k-s-h-i.