Singer: Don't be stupid, be a smarty. Come and join the Nazi party.

Leo Bloom: I'm in pain and I'm wet and I'm still hysterical!

Max Bialystock: How could this happen? I was so careful. I picked the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did I go right?

Jury Foreman: We find the defendants incredibly guilty.

Roger De Bris: Ah, Bialystock and Bloom, I presume! Heh heh, forgive the pun!

Leo Bloom: [to Max] What pun?

Max Bialystock: Shut up, he thinks he's witty.

Franz Liebkind: Hitler... there was a painter! He could paint an entire apartment in ONE afternoon! TWO coats!

Leo Bloom: [Searching for the sure-fire flop] ... Max, let's call it a night. It's two in the morning; I don't know what I'm reading anymore!

Max Bialystock: Read, read! We've got to find the worst play ever written!

[reads]

Max Bialystock: Ah. 'Gregor Samsa awoke one morning to discover that he had been transformed into a giant cockroach.'

[thinks]

Max Bialystock: It's too good.

Leo Bloom: [later] ... Wait a minute... wait a minute - I've *read* this play. I'm reading plays I read this morning! I can't go on! It's too much! Max, let's face it; we'll never find it!

Max Bialystock: [laughing] ... O-ho, we'll never find it, huh? We'll never find it, huh? We'll never find it huh? We'll never find it huh? We'll never find it...

[singing]

Max Bialystock: Rio, Rio by the sea-o, Bialystock and Leo, oh me-oh, oh my...

[holding a script]

Max Bialystock: Leo, smell it! See it? Touch it, touch it...

Leo Bloom: What is it?

Max Bialystock: What is it! We've struck *gold*. Not fool's gold, but real gold! The Mother Lode. The mother lode! The mother of them all. Kiss it, kiss it!

[Leo does]

Leo Bloom: You found a flop?

Max Bialystock: A flop - that's putting it mildly! We've found a disaster, a catastrophe, an outrage! A guaranteed-to-close-in-one-night beauty! This is freedom from want forever. This is a house in the country! This is a Rolls-Royce and a Bentley! This is wine and women and song! And women!

Leo Bloom: [reading] ... 'Springtime For Hitler: A Gay Romp With Adolf and Eva at Berchtesgaden.' Wow...!

Max Bialystock: Wow! It's practically a love-letter to Hitler!

Leo Bloom: This won't run a week!

Max Bialystock: A week? Are you kidding? This play has got to close on *page four*!

Max Bialystock: You have exactly ten seconds to change that look of disgusting pity into one of enormous respect!

Roger De Bris: Will the dancing Hitlers please wait in the wings? We are only seeing singing Hitlers.

Lady: [during the Springtime for Hitler performance] Will you please, shut up!

Franz Liebkind: You shut up! You are the audience! I am the author! I OUTRANK you!

Max Bialystock: Shut up, I'm having a rhetorical conversation.

Leo Bloom: Actors are not animals! They're human beings!

Max Bialystock: They are? Have you ever eaten with one?

Franz Liebkind: Not many people know it, but the Fuhrer was a terrific dancer.

Leo Bloom: I'm a nothing. I spend my life counting other people's money. People I'm smarter than. Better than! I want... I want...

[shouts]

Leo Bloom: I want everything I've ever seen in the movies!

Roger De Bris: What have you done, L.S.D.?

Lorenzo St. DuBois: About six months... but I'm on probation, so it's all good, baby!

Roger De Bris: No, I mean, what do you do best?

Lorenzo St. DuBois: I can't do that here. That's why they put me away, baby!

The landlord: He who signs a lease must pay rent. That's the law.

Max Bialystock: You miserable wretch! How dare you take the last penny out of a poor man's pocket?

The landlord: I have to. I'm a landlord.

Max Bialystock: [to God] Oh, Lord, hear my plea; destroy him! He maketh a blight on the land!

The landlord: [also to God] Don't listen to him; he's crazy.

Leo Bloom: Let's assume, just for the moment, that you are a dishonest man.

Max Bialystock: Assume away.

Leo Bloom: It's very easy. You simply raise more money than you really need.

Max Bialystock: What do you mean?

Leo Bloom: Well you did it yourself, only you did it on a very small scale.

Max Bialystock: What did I do?

Leo Bloom: You raised $2,000 more than you needed to produce your last play.

Max Bialystock: So what? What did it get me? *I'm wearing a CARDBOARD BELT*!

Leo Bloom: Well, that's where you made your mistake: you didn't go all the way. You see, if you were a truly bold criminal, you could've raised a million.

Max Bialystock: But the play cost me only $60,000 to produce!

Leo Bloom: And how long did it run?

Max Bialystock: One night.

Leo Bloom: You see? You see what I'm trying to tell you? You could've raise a million dollars, put on your $60 thousand flop, and kept the rest.

Max Bialystock: But what if the play was a hit?

Leo Bloom: Well, then you'd go to jail. See, once the play's a hit you have to pay off all the backers, and with so many backers there could never be enough profits to go around. Get it?

Max Bialystock: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. A-ha! So, in order for this scheme to work, we'd have to find a sure-fire flop!

Leo Bloom: Our scheme? What scheme?

Max Bialystock: What scheme! Your scheme, you bloody little genius!

Leo Bloom: I meant no scheme. I merely posed a little academic accounting theory; it was just a thought.

Max Bialystock: Bloom, worlds are turned on such thoughts!

Max Bialystock: This pin used to hold a pearl the size of your eye. Look at me now, LOOK AT ME NOW! I'm wearing a cardboard belt!

Franz Liebkind: Baby! Baby!... Why does he say this "baby"? The Führer has never said "baby". I did not write, "baby". What is it with this, "baby"?

[singing as Hitler in the play]

Lorenzo St. DuBois: One and one's two/ Two and two's four/ I feel so bad 'cause I'm losin' the war!

Concierge: Who d'ya want?

Leo Bloom: I beg your pardon?

Concierge: Who d'ya want? Nobody gets in the building unless I know who they want. I'm the "concierge". My husband used to be the "concierge", but he's dead. Now I'M the "concierge".

Max Bialystock: We are seeking Franz Liebkind.

Concierge: Oh... the Kraut! He's on the top floor, apartment 23.

Max Bialystock: Thank you...

Concierge: ...But you won't find him there... he's up on the roof with his boids. He keeps boids. Dirty... disgusting... filthy... lice-ridden boids. You used to be able to sit out on the stoop like a person. Not anymore! No, sir! Boids!... You get my drift?

Leo Bloom: We... uh... get your "drift". Thank you, madam.

Concierge: I'm not a "madam"! I'm a "concierge"!

Drunk: Eternally grateful... A TOAST!

Max Bialystock: A TOAST!

Leo Bloom: A TOAST... to what?

Drunk: To... to toast, I love toast.

Max Bialystock: To toast.

Leo Bloom: To toast.

Max Bialystock: You're an accountant! You're in a noble profession! The word "count" is part of your title!

[Leo Bloom walks in on Bialystock romancing Holdmethouchme]

Leo Bloom: Oh my God!

Max Bialystock: You mean "oops," don't you? Just say "oops" and get out!

Leo Bloom: ''stammering'' Ah-a-a-a-a-a-a-a

Max Bialystock: Not "Ah-a-a-a-a-a-a-a" Oops!

Leo Bloom: Oops!

[slams the door]

Franz Liebkind: [runs backstage to try to stop the play]

Stagehand: Hey, what can I do for you?

Franz Liebkind: You will please be unconscious.

[hits him on the head]

[performing in the play]

Doc Goebbels: Danke schön, mein Führer.

Lorenzo St. DuBois: Hey, you're a German.

Doc Goebbels: We're all Germans.

Lorenzo St. DuBois: That's right.

[gasps]

Lorenzo St. DuBois: That means we CANNOT attack Germany.

Hold me, Touch me: And after that, we'll play, "The Abduction and the Cruel Rape of Lucretia", and I'll be Lucretia.

Max Bialystock: And I'll be Rape!

Hold me, Touch me: I heard the Count fired you this morning - watch the road, watch the road.

Max Bialystock: [stops making car noises] Oh, Countess, I can't take my eyes off you! How can I drive when you drive me mad? Mad!

[continues making car noises]

Hold me, Touch me: Oh, Rudolpho, you dirty pig!

[seriously]

Hold me, Touch me: Pull over.

Leo Bloom: My blanket! My blue blanket! Give me my blue blanket!

Max Bialystock: Bloom, I'm drowning. Other men sail through life, Bialystock has struck a reef. Bloom, I'm going under. I'm condemned by a society that demands success when all I can offer is failure. Bloom, I'm reaching out to you. Don't send me to prison... HEEELLP!

Lorenzo St. DuBois: [singing] And I give a flower to the big fat cop / He takes his club and he beats me up / I give a flower to the garbage man / He stuffs my girl in the garbage can / And I give it to the landlord when the rent comes 'round / He throws it in the toilet and he flush it down / It goes into the sewer / With the yuck runnin' through 'er / And it runs into the river that we drink / Hey, world, YOU STINK!

Max Bialystock: Here's to failure

Leo Bloom: ...To failure

Drunk: Why, thank you! You're very kind!

Franz Liebkind: Der Führer does not say, "Achtung, baby."

One of singers: I was born in Düsseldorf and that is why they call me Rolf !

Max Bialystock: Roger, did you have a chance to read "Springtime for Hitler?"

Roger De Bris: [emerges from behind a partition wearing a dress] Remarkable, remarkable! A stunning piece of work.

Leo Bloom: [under his breath] Max... he's wearing a dress.

Max Bialystock: No kidding.

Roger De Bris: Did you know, I never knew that the Third Reich meant Germany. I mean it's just drenched with historical goodies like that... Oh dear, you're staring at my dress. I should explain. We are going to the choreographer's ball tonight and there's a prize for the best costume.

Carmen Giya: And we always win!

Roger De Bris: I don't know about tonight. I'm supposed to be the Grand Duchess Anastasia, but I think I look more like Tugboat Annie. What do you think, Mr. Bloom?

Leo Bloom: ...Where do you keep your wallet?

Ulla: Goddag på dig!

Leo Bloom: Uh, I beg your pardon?

Ulla: Goddag på dig!

Leo Bloom: Ah, gut da! Max, have you gone mad? A receptionist who can't speak English? What will people say?

Max Bialystock: They'll say, "A wuma wa wa wa wa!"

Max Bialystock: Thank you, I knew I could con you.

Franz Liebkind: Gentlemen. Ve have here a technical problem. Hmm? I do not know if vat ve have here is ze quick burning fuse or ze slow buring fuse. Ja, ja, I must find zis out.

[snips dynamite fuse]

Franz Liebkind: Zis is critical.

[lights fuse with match]

Franz Liebkind: Ha ha ha, ja ja, you see zis? You see zis here vat I have told you? Yeah, zis is an example of smartness here. I have said that zis is ze quick fuse. Huh? And zis IS ze quick fuse.

[pause]

All: THE QUICK FUSE!

[explosion]

Lorenzo St. DuBois: [after Goebbels throws a reefer into a vase, and a large explosion occurs] They try; man, how they try!

[Max Bialystock drops him to the floor]

Leo Bloom: Ooh, I fell on my keys!

Leo Bloom: [after a fight with Max] I'm sorry I called you "Fat, fat, fat".

Max Bialystock: Leo, he who hesitates is poor!

Max Bialystock: Who are you and why are you loitering in my hallway?

Leo Bloom: [is silent]

Max Bialystock: Well? Speak dummy! Speak!

Leo Bloom: [gapsing] ... can't... scared...

Max Bialystock: [reading post-show telegrams] ..."Congratulations with the biggest hit on Broadway!"..."Congratulations! Hitler will run forever!"..."Congratulations... Congratulations... Congra-"

Roger De Bris: [bursts in with a tray of champagne and glasses] CONGRATULATIONS! Have you seen the lines at the box office? It's a torrent! It's an *avalanche*! It's the BIGGEST HIT ON BROADWAY!

Max Bialystock: You lousy fruit - you ruined me!

[knocks the bottle and glasses away and advances on him]

Roger De Bris: You're crazy - He's gonna kill me! Call the police! Help! Murder!

[screams]

Roger De Bris: RAPE!

Carmen Giya: We're not alone!

Max Bialystock: That's it, baby, when you've got it, flaunt it, flaunt it!

Max Bialystock: Don't you see, darling Bloom, glorious Bloom? It's so simple. STEP ONE: We find the worst play ever written, a surefire flop. STEP TWO: I raise a million bucks. Lots of little old ladies out there. STEP THREE: You go back to work on the books, two of them - one for the government, one for us. You can do it, Bloom; you're a wizard! STEP FOUR: We open on Broadway. And before you can say STEP FIVE, we *close* on Broadway! STEP SIX: We take our million bucks and fly to *Rio!*

Max Bialystock: Max Bialystock is launching himself into little old lady land.

Max Bialystock: That's exactly why we want to produce this play. To show the world the true Hitler, the Hitler you loved, the Hitler you knew, the Hitler with a song in his heart.

[on stage during the song]

All: Springtime for Hitler and Germany.

Lorenzo St. DuBois: Lorenzo, baby. Lorenzo St. DuBois. But my friends call me L.S.D.

Hold me, Touch me: [locking the door to Max's office] Let's fool around.

Hold me, Touch me: Hold me! Touch me!

Max Bialystock: [pulling her into his office] Not in the hall!

Max Bialystock: Ulla! Go get car!

Ulla: Ja, ja! We go to motel?

Max Bialystock: No. I go with Mr. Bloom.

Ulla: You and Mr. Bloom go to motel?

Max Bialystock: No! Get car!

Ulla: Get car!

Max Bialystock: Money is honey! Money is honey!

[last lines]

Max Bialystock: Sing it out, men! Higher, you animals, higher! We open in Leavenworth Saturday night!

Max Bialystock: [smiling at Leo to calm him down] Well you know what they say, 'smile and the world smiles with you'

[looks at audience]

Max Bialystock: this man should be in a straight-jacket

Hold me, Touch me: Oh, hold me! Touch me!

Max Bialystock: Thursday! Thursday!

Roger De Bris: Wait! This is a decision that could affect my entire life! I shall have to think about it.

[pauses for one second]

Roger De Bris: I'll do it.

Max Bialystock: Listen. Every night people are laughing at your beloved Fuhrer. Why?

Franz Liebkind: It's that L.S.D., und his verdampter "babies"!

Hold me, Touch me: Oh Bialy, Bialy, darling, did I hurt you?

Max Bialystock: It's only a flesh wound, lambchop.

Lorenzo St. DuBois: I would like to sing this song, it's about love, and hate. Psychedelically speaking I am talking about the power.

Roger De Bris: Just do what you do best.

Lorenzo St. DuBois: I can't do that here! That's why they put me away, man...

Roger De Bris: Oh, sing, sing!

Terrible Audition: A wandering Minstrel I, a thing of shreds...

Roger De Bris: Thankyou!

Terrible Audition: and patches. Do you want me to...

Roger De Bris: We're sorry!

Terrible Audition: YOU'RE sorry?

Max Bialystock: Ya know who I used to be ?

Hold me, Touch me: We'll do The Rape of Lucretia and I'll be Lucretia!

Max Bialystock: And I'll be Rape!

Leo Bloom: I would like to say something, your Honor. Not in my behalf, but in reference to my partner, Mr. Bialystock.

Judge: Proceed.

Leo Bloom: Your Honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury - Max Bialystock is the most... selfish man I ever met in my life.

Max Bialystock: [whispering angrily] Don't help me!

Leo Bloom: Not only is he a liar, and a cheat, and a scoundrel and a crook, who has taken money from little old ladies, but he's also talked people into doing things, especially me, that they would never, in a thousand years have dreamed of doing! But, your Honor, as I understand it, the law was created to protect people from being wronged. Your Honor, whom has Max Bialystock wronged? I mean, who has he really hurt? Not me. Not me. I was... this man... No one ever called me 'Leo' before! I mean, I know it's not a big legal point, but even in kindergarten they used to call me 'Bloom!' I never sang a song before! I mean with someone else, I never sang a song with someone else before. This man... This man... this is a wonderful man! He made me what I am today. He did. And what of the dear ladies? What would their lives have been without Max Bialystock? Max Bialystock, who made them feel young, and attractive, and wanted again? That's all I have to say.

[the court applauds enthusiastically]

Judge: [banging] Order, order.

Max Bialystock: [standing] And may I humbly add, your Honor, that we've learned our lesson. And we'll never do it again.

[cut to Max and Leo in prison]

Max Bialystock: Oooooooh, I WANT THAT MONEY!

[holding a gun to his head]

Franz Liebkind: Soon, I shall be with mein Führer... and Himmler. I'm coming to join you boys!

Ulla: [Sees Max and Leo and takes off dress] We make love?

Max Bialystock: No, we don't make love. Go to work.

[Ulla starts dancing to music on record player]

Max Bialystock: Have I ever steered you wrong?

Franz Liebkind: Always.

Max Bialystock: Never mind.

Leo Bloom: There, there.

Franz Liebkind: [crying] Where, where?

Leo Bloom: Hysterical attacks have a way of severely depleting one's blood sugar.

Max Bialystock: They certainly do... they certainly do!

Leo Bloom: Do you think he'll take the job?

Max Bialystock: ONLY if we ask him.

Lorenzo St. DuBois: Love Power! Talkin' 'bout Love Power! The Power of a Sweet Flower... is gonna rule the Earth!

[prances]

Lorenzo St. DuBois: And there'll be a Great Rebirth! Love is the Power that is mine...

Leo Bloom: You're going to jump on me! Like Nero jumped on Pompeia!

Max Bialystock: They come here, they all come here. How do they find me?

Max Bialystock: Pussycat!