Singer: Don't be stupid, be a smarty. Come and join the Nazi party.
Leo Bloom: I'm in pain and I'm wet and I'm still hysterical!
Max Bialystock: How could this happen? I was so careful. I picked the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did I go right?
Jury Foreman: We find the defendants incredibly guilty.
Franz Liebkind: Hitler... there was a painter! He could paint an entire apartment in ONE afternoon! TWO coats!
Leo Bloom: [Searching for the sure-fire flop] ... Max, let's call it an evening. It's almost midnight; I hardly know what I'm reading anymore!
Max Bialystock: Read, read! We've got to find the worst play ever written! Hmmm... "Gregor Samsa awoke one morning to discover that he had been transformed into a giant cockroach." Nah, that one's too good.
Leo Bloom: ...Wait a minute - I've *read* this play. I'm reading plays I already read this morning! It's too much. I can't go on! Max, let's face it; we'll never find it!
Max Bialystock: [laughing] ... O-ho, we'll never find it, huh? See this? Touch it. Now kiss it.
Leo Bloom: What is it?
Max Bialystock: "What is it"! We've struck *gold*. Not fool's gold, but real gold! The Mother Lode. The mother of all Mother Lodes!
Leo Bloom: You found a flop, huh?
Max Bialystock: No. Calling this a flop would be an insult to flops. We've found an apocalypse, a catastrophe, an outrage, a career-buster, a guaranteed-to-close-before-it-opens beauty! This is wine and women and song, and more women! Read it and weep.
Leo Bloom: [reading] ..."Springtime For Hitler: a gay romp with Adolf, Eva, and Company at Berchtesgaden" Wow...!
Max Bialystock: It's practically a love-letter to Nazi Germany!
Leo Bloom: ...This wouldn't run an hour!
Max Bialystock: An hour? That's being generous. This play promises to close by *page four*! Don't you, play?
Max Bialystock: "Yes, Mr. Bialystock; I promise to close by page four."
Max Bialystock: You have exactly ten seconds to change that look of disgusting pity into one of enormous respect!
Roger De Bris: Will the dancing Hitlers please wait in the wings? We are only seeing singing Hitlers.
Max Bialystock: Shut up, I'm having a rhetorical conversation.
Franz Liebkind: Not many people know it, but the Fuhrer was a terrific dancer.
The landlord: He who signs a lease must pay rent. That's the law.
Max Bialystock: You miserable wretch! How dare you take the last penny out of a poor man's pocket?
The landlord: I have to. I'm a landlord.
Max Bialystock: [to God] Oh, Lord, hear my plea; destroy him! He maketh a blight on the land!
The landlord: [also to God] Don't listen to him; he's crazy.
Leo Bloom: Let's assume, just for the moment, that you are a dishonest man.
Max Bialystock: [classic expression] Assume away.
Leo Bloom: It's very simple. All you do is raise more money than you actually need to produce the show. You did it yourself, just on a very small scale.
Max Bialystock: What did I do, again?
Leo Bloom: You raised $2 thousand more than it actually took to produce your latest play.
Max Bialystock: So what did it get me? *I'm wearing a CARDBOARD BELT*!
Leo Bloom: Well, that's where you made your mistake: you didn't go all the way. If you were a truly bold criminal, you could've raised a *million* dollars.
Max Bialystock: But "Girl in the Golden Vest" cost only sixty grand to produce.
Leo Bloom: And how long did it run?
Max Bialystock: One night.
Leo Bloom: There! See what I'm getting at? You could've raise a million bucks, put on a $60 thousand flop, and kept the rest.
Max Bialystock: Suppose the play was a hit, instead of a flop?
Leo Bloom: Well, then you'd be in trouble - because there could never be enough profits to pay off all the backers. That's presuming you did it for optimum effect.
Max Bialystock: ...By over-selling the play, you mean? More shares than were actually available?
Leo Bloom: Precisely. Get how it all works, now?
Max Bialystock: Yeah... A-ha! So, in order for this scheme to work, we gotta find a sure-fire flop!
Leo Bloom: [Mel Brooks trademark: Bloom's words catch up with him in mid-sentence] YES! That's *exactly WHAT SCHEME*?
Max Bialystock: "What scheme"! *Your* scheme, you bloody little genius!
Leo Bloom: I meant no scheme. I merely proposed an academic accounting theory; it was just a thought.
Max Bialystock: [another priceless expression] Bloom, *worlds are turned on such thoughts*.
Max Bialystock: This pin used to hold a pearl the size of your eye. Look at me now, LOOK AT ME NOW! I'm wearing a cardboard belt!
Franz Liebkind: Baby! Baby!... Why does he say this "baby"? The Führer has never said "baby". I did not write, "baby". What is it with this, "baby"?
[singing as Hitler in the play]
Lorenzo St. DuBois: One and one's two/ Two and two's four/ I feel so bad 'cause I'm losin' the war!
Max Bialystock: You're an accountant! You're in a noble profession! The word "count" is part of your title!
Hold me, Touch me: I heard the Count fired you this morning - watch the road, watch the road.
Max Bialystock: [stops making car noises] Oh, Countess, I can't take my eyes off you! How can I drive when you drive me mad? Mad!
[continues making car noises]
Hold me, Touch me: Oh, Rudolpho, you dirty pig!
Hold me, Touch me: Pull over.
Leo Bloom: My blanket! My blue blanket! Give me my blue blanket!
Concierge: Who d'ya want?
Leo Bloom: I beg your pardon?
Concierge: Who d'ya want? Nobody gets in the building unless I know who they want. I'm the "concierge". My husband used to be the "concierge", but he's dead. Now I'M the "concierge".
Max Bialystock: We are seeking Franz Liebkind.
Concierge: Oh... the Kraut! He's on the top floor, apartment 23.
Max Bialystock: Thank you...
Concierge: ...But you won't find him there... he's up on the roof with his boids. He keeps boids. Dirty... disgusting... filthy... lice-ridden boids. You used to be able to sit out on the stoop like a person. Not anymore! No, sir! Boids!... You get my drift?
Leo Bloom: We... uh... get your "drift". Thank you, madam.
Concierge: I'm not a "madam"! I'm a "concierge"!
Max Bialystock: Bloom, I'm drowning. Other men sail through life, Bialystock has struck a reef. Bloom, I'm going under. I'm condemned by a society that demands success when all I can offer is failure. Bloom, I'm reaching out to you. Don't send me to prison... HEEELLP!
Lorenzo St. DuBois: [singing] And I give a flower to the big fat cop / He takes his club and he beats me up / I give a flower to the garbage man / He stuffs my girl in the garbage can / And I give it to the landlord when the rent comes 'round / He throws it in the toilet and he flush it down / It goes into the sewer / With the yuck runnin' through 'er / And it runs into the river that we drink / Hey, world, YOU STINK!
Franz Liebkind: Der Führer does not say, "Achtung, baby."
One of singers: I was born in Düsseldorf and that is why they call me Rolf !
Max Bialystock: Roger, did you have a chance to read "Springtime for Hitler?"
Roger De Bris: [emerges from behind a partition wearing a dress] Remarkable, remarkable! A stunning piece of work.
Leo Bloom: [under his breath] Max... he's wearing a dress.
Max Bialystock: No kidding.
Roger De Bris: Did you know, I never knew that the Third Reich meant Germany. I mean it's just drenched with historical goodies like that... Oh dear, you're staring at my dress. I should explain. We are going to the choreographer's ball tonight and there's a prize for the best costume.
Carmen Giya: And we always win!
Roger De Bris: I don't know about tonight. I'm supposed to be the Grand Duchess Anastasia, but I think I look more like Tugboat Annie. What do you think, Mr. Bloom?
Leo Bloom: ...Where do you keep your wallet?
Max Bialystock: Thank you, I knew I could con you.
Franz Liebkind: Gentlemen. Ve have here a technical problem. Hmm? I do not know if vat ve have here is ze quick burning fuse or ze slow buring fuse. Ja, ja, I must find zis out.
[snips dynamite fuse]
Franz Liebkind: Zis is critical.
[lights fuse with match]
Franz Liebkind: Ha ha ha, ja ja, you see zis? You see zis here vat I have told you? Yeah, zis is an example of smartness here. I have said that zis is ze quick fuse. Huh? And zis IS ze quick fuse.
All: THE QUICK FUSE!
Lorenzo St. DuBois: [after Goebbels throws a reefer into a vase, and a large explosion occurs] They try; man, how they try!
[Max Bialystock drops him to the floor]
Leo Bloom: Ooh, I fell on my keys!
Leo Bloom: [after a fight with Max] I'm sorry I called you "Fat, fat, fat".
Max Bialystock: Leo, he who hesitates is poor!
Max Bialystock: [reading post-show telegrams, while Leo's expression becomes increasingly queasy] ..."Congratulations with the biggest hit on Broadway!"..."Congratulations! Hitler will run forever!"..."Congratulations... Congratulations... Congra-"
Leo Bloom: [CUTTING-ROOM FLOOR-LINE] Max, please... Don't keep saying that word.
Max Bialystock: [CUTTING-ROOM FLOOR-LINE] Which word, congratu...
Leo Bloom: [CUTTING-ROOM FLOOR-LINE] *Don't say it*! I'm afraid, if I have to hear that word once again, I'm gonna get sick to my stomach.
Roger De Bris: [bursts in with a tray of champagne and glasses] CONGRATULATIONS!
[Sure enough, Leo bolts for the lavatory and gets violently sick]
Roger De Bris: Have you seen the lines at the box office?
[Max is now looking rather ill himself]
Roger De Bris: It's a torrent! It's an *avalanche*! We've got the BIGGEST HIT ON BROADWAY!
Max Bialystock: [CUTTING-ROOM FLOOR-LINE: Max charges past Roger toward the lavatory] LEO! MOVE OVER!
[He violently loses his supper; Leo moans loudly]
Max Bialystock: ... Sorry about that, chum.
Roger De Bris: [CUTTING-ROOM FLOOR-LINE: he toasts them] ... I know exactly how you feel; when word first got back to me, I lost it myself. Well, I'll save you some; cheers!
Carmen Giya: We're not alone!
Max Bialystock: That's it, baby, when you've got it, flaunt it, flaunt it!
Max Bialystock: Don't you see, darling Bloom, glorious Bloom? It's so simple. STEP ONE: We find the worst play ever written, a surefire flop. STEP TWO: I raise a million bucks. Lots of little old ladies out there. STEP THREE: You go back to work on the books, two of them - one for the government, one for us. You can do it, Bloom; you're a wizard! STEP FOUR: We open on Broadway. And before you can say STEP FIVE, we *close* on Broadway! STEP SIX: We take our million bucks and fly to *Rio!*
Max Bialystock: Max Bialystock is launching himself into little old lady land.
Max Bialystock: That's exactly why we want to produce this play. To show the world the true Hitler, the Hitler you loved, the Hitler you knew, the Hitler with a song in his heart.
[on stage during the song]
All: Springtime for Hitler and Germany.
Lorenzo St. DuBois: Lorenzo, baby. Lorenzo St. DuBois. But my friends call me L.S.D.
Hold me, Touch me: [locking the door to Max's office] Let's fool around.
Max Bialystock: Money is honey! Money is honey!
Max Bialystock: Sing it out, men! Higher, you animals, higher! We open in Leavenworth Saturday night!
Lorenzo St. DuBois: I would like to sing this song, it's about love, and hate. Psychedelically speaking I am talking about the power.
Max Bialystock: Ya know who I used to be ?
Max Bialystock: Oooooooh, I WANT THAT MONEY!
[holding a gun to his head]
Franz Liebkind: Soon, I shall be with mein Führer... and Himmler. I'm coming to join you boys!
Leo Bloom: You're going to jump on me! Like Nero jumped on Pompeia!
Max Bialystock: They come here, they all come here. How do they find me?
Max Bialystock: Pussycat!