Ratso Rizzo: I'm walking here! I'm walking here!
Gretel McAlbertson: Why are you stealing food?
Ratso Rizzo: I was just, uh, noticing that you're out of salami. I think you oughtta have somebody go over to the delicatessen, you know, bring some more back.
Gretel McAlbertson: Gee, well, you know, it's free. You don't have to steal it.
Ratso Rizzo: Well, if it's free, then I ain't stealin'.
Joe Buck: Uh, well, sir, I ain't a f'real cowboy. But I am one helluva stud!
Joe Buck: I only get carsick on boats.
Joe Buck: I like the way I look. Makes me feel good, it does. And women like me, goddammit. Hell, the only one thing I ever been good for is lovin'. Women go crazy for me, that's a really true fact! Ratso, hell! Crazy Annie they had to send her away!
Ratso Rizzo: Then, how come you ain't scored once the whole time you been in New York?
Ratso Rizzo: Here I am, goin' to Florida, my leg hurts, my butt hurts, my chest hurts, my face hurts, and like that ain't enough, I gotta pee all over myself.
[Joe Buck laughs]
Ratso Rizzo: That's funny? I'm fallin' apart here!
Joe Buck: It's just - Know what happened? You just took a little rest stop that wasn't on the schedule!
Joe Buck: [Rizzo polishes Joe's boots] Hey, you pretty damn good at that. I'll bet you could make a living at it if you tried.
Ratso Rizzo: And end up a hunchback like my old man? You think I'm crippled, you should have caught him at the end of the day. My old man spent 14 hours a day down in that subway. He come home at night - 2,3 dollars worth of change stained with shoe polish. Stupid bastard coughed his lungs out from breathing in that wax all day. Even a faggot undertaker couldn't get his nails clean. They had to bury him with gloves on.
Cass: You were gonna ask me for money? Who the hell do you think you're dealing with, some old slut on 42nd Street? In case you didn't happen to notice it, ya big Texas longhorn bull, I'm one helluva gorgeous chick!
Ratso Rizzo: I gotta get outta here, gotta get outta here. Miami Beach, that's where you could score. Anybody can score there, even you. In New York, no rich lady with any class at all buys that cowboy crap anymore. They're laughin' at you on the street.
Joe Buck: Ain't nobody laughin' at me on the street.
Ratso Rizzo: Behind your back, I've seen 'em laughin' at you, fella.
Joe Buck: Aw, what the hell you know about women anyway? When's the last time you scored, boy?
Ratso Rizzo: That's a matter I only talk about at confession. We're not talkin' about me now.
Joe Buck: And when's the last time you've been to confession?
Ratso Rizzo: It's between me and my confessor. And I'll tell ya another thing. Frankly, you're beginning to smell. And for a stud in New York, that's a handicap.
Joe Buck: Well, don't talk to me about clean. I ain't never seen you change your underwear once the whole time I've been here in New York. And that's pretty peculiar behavior.
Ratso Rizzo: I don't have to do that kind of thing in public. I ain't got no need to expose myself.
Joe Buck: [cruelly] No, I bet you don't. I bet you ain't never even been laid! How about that? And you're gonna tell me what appeals to women!
Ratso Rizzo: I know enough to know that that great big, dumb cowboy crap of yours don't appeal to nobody except every jockey on 42nd Street. That's faggot stuff! You wanna call it by its name? That's strictly for fags!
Joe Buck: John Wayne! You wanna tell me he's a fag?
[after a long pause]
Joe Buck: I like the way I look. It makes me feel good. It does. And women like me, god-dammit. Hell, only one thing I've ever been good for is lovin'. Women go crazy for me. That's a really true fact. Ratso, hell: Crazy Annie, they had to send her away.
Ratso Rizzo: Then how come you ain't scored once, the whole time you've been in New York?
Joe Buck: 'Cause, 'cause I need management, god-dammit. 'Cause you stole twenty dollars offa me. That's why you're gonna stop crappin' around about Florida. And, and get your skinny butt movin.' And earn twenty dollars worth of management which you owe me.
Shirley: You fell. Hey fella, you fell.
Ratso Rizzo: You want the word on that brother-and-sister act, Hansel's a fag and Gretel's got the hots for herself, so who cares, right? Load up on the salami.
Ratso Rizzo: Excuse my vulgarity.
Ratso Rizzo: Frankly, you're beginning to smell and for a stud in New York, that's a handicap.
Joe Buck: John Wayne! Are you tryin' to tell me he's a fag?
Joe Buck: Whoopee-tee-yi-yo. Get along little dogies. It's your misfortune and none of my own.
Sally Buck: You look real nice, lover boy, real nice. Make your old grandma proud. You're gonna be the best-looking cowboy in the whole parade.
Jackie - New York: I just want to ask you one thing, cowboy. If you're sitting here, and he's sitting all the way over there, then how's he gonna get his hand into your pocket? Oh, but I guess he has that all figured out. 'Night, toots.
Ratso Rizzo: Faggot!
Jackie - New York: [offscreen] Provolone!
Ratso Rizzo: Faggot!
Annie - Texas: You're the only one, Joe. You're the only one...
Cass: [Cass is on the phone while Joe Buck is foreplaying with her] Oh God... Nothing, I'm talking to Baby. I'm talking to the dog, Maury... please, you're annoying me! Here, why don't you say hello to Baby?
[She puts the phone near her toy poodle's ear]
Maury (voice on phone): Hello, Baby. Hello, Baby! Hello, ya goddamn dog! Bow wow wow! Bow wow wow!
Joe Buck: Well, I hope you know what you're in for. I'm a truly dangerous person, I am. And some- someone does me bad, like you... I swear, if I'd have caught up with you that night there would've been one dead Ratso along by now, you understand me? You hear?
Ratso Rizzo: [deadpan] I'm impressed. You're a killer.
Towny: Oh, Joe it's... it's so difficult, I - You're a nice person, Joe, I- I- I should never have asked you up here, you're... You're a lovely person, really. Oh, God, I loathe life, I loathe it! Please go, please.
[At the gravesite of his father]
Ratso Rizzo: He was even dumber than you. He couldn't even write his own name. "X," that's what it ought to say on that goddamn headstone, one big lousy "X". Just like our dump. Condemned by order of City Hall.
Joe Buck: It just ain't right cheatin' from a pregnant lady.
Ratso Rizzo: The two basic items necessary to sustain life, are sunshine and coconut milk... didya know that?