Duke d'Escargot: What brings you to Paris?

Claude: Oh, you might say a little business...

Charles: ...and a little pleasure.

Duke d'Escargot: Which do you prefer? Business, or pleasure?

Charles: Well that depends on what you regard as business.

Claude: And, what you may regard as pleasure!

Duke d'Escargot: In Paris we say, business is pleasure.

Charles: And to us, pleasure is our business.

Duke d'Escargot: Then your business should be a pleasure, making my pleasure a business.

Claude: Unless, some mistake business for pleasure. While others know no business but pleasure.

Duke d'Escargot: In that case sir I will show you my business.

Claude: My pleasure.

Helene de Sisis: I'm sorry Philippe, I try my best to please you.

Philippe de Sisis: How? You can't hunt, you can't ride, you can't shoot, you can't fence! What kind of a marriage is this?

Duke d'Escargot: I warn you gentlemen, I am not to be trifled with. To pull the tail of a lion is to open the mouth of trouble and reveal the teeth of revenge biting the tongue of deceit.

Duke de Sisis: Do you know who I am?

Andre Coupe: Oh yes. The Duke de Sisis, the scrounge of Corsica.

Duke De Sisis: The scourge of Corsica, you ignorant peasant!

[there are two sets of brothers, a brother from one set has unknowingly spoken to a brother from another set when their actual brothers arrive]

Philippe: How did you get here so fast?

Pierre: I took a secret passageway.

Charles: How did you get here so fast?

Claude: I took a secret passage.

King Louis XVI: [King Louis and Marie Antoinette appear at a ball, where everyone is dressed in gowns and suits. The king is dressed in a chicken suit] I thought it was a costume ball!

The Narrator: Paris, France, 1789. Thirty years later, under the reign of Louis XVI, longstanding grievances between aristocrat and peasant were about to boil over. The pot in which these troubles boiled was kindled with the firewood of oppression and injustice and heated by the flames that sucked the air from gasping peasants. Would the pot cool off, would it merely simmer, or would it boil over in the kitchen of France - to stain the floor of history forever?

The Narrator: The Summer Palace, 1789: King Louis, whose tinkering with time pieces did not tell him that his own time was running out; Queen Marie, who tinkered with everything but time pieces - she didn't care what time it was; but the Duke d'Escargot knew what time it was - his tinkering was well-timed. For the time was 1789!

Jacques: You two

[meaning Charles and Claude Coupe]

Jacques: will act as a diversion.

Jacques: The real attack will begin while the guards are killing you!

Charles: She's beautiful. I like the king's plan.

Claude: What are you talking about?

Charles: She'll never marry Escargot, it'll be a pleasure killing that swine!

Claude: You've forgotten who you are? You'd be lucky to run the girl through.

Charles: Oh, yeah.

Helene de Sisis: [seeing Claude, whom she thinks is Philippe, dressed as a monk] What are you doing in a monk's habit? I didn't know about 'the monk and the choirboy!' I thought you wanted to do 'the woodchopper and the shepherd!' HOW MANY COSTUMES DO YOU THINK I CAN PACK?

The Man in the Iron Mask: [Claude Coupe, mistaken for Phillipe de Sisi, has just entered the room of the Man in the Iron Mask, he is scared out of his shorts] Has the king forgiven me?

Claude: [screams with hands over his mouth]

The Man in the Iron Mask: Am I free?


The Man in the Iron Mask: Am I free?

Claude: [calmly] Who are you?

The Man in the Iron Mask: I'm the Man in the Iron Mask.

Claude: Oh, ho-ho! How do you do?

The Man in the Iron Mask: What is it?

[he begins walking toward Claude]

The Man in the Iron Mask: Do I look so horrible? Do I frighten you?

Claude: No, no. It's just that you reminded me of somebody else.

The Man in the Iron Mask: [hugs Claude] I'm so glad you came!

Claude: Ho-ho, so am I! So am I!

The Man in the Iron Mask: How can I ever thank you?

Claude: Oh, it's nothing! Nothing. You have a nice place here.

[the man in the iron mask is now shaking Claude's monk costume]

Claude: Oh! Watch the mask. Watch the mask.

The Man in the Iron Mask: Take me with you.

Claude: [grabs the man's helmet] Take me with you! Yes.

The Man in the Iron Mask: Don't leave me alone. Take me.

The Man in the Iron Mask: Look, I'll go outside, then I'll come back and we'll have a last walk.

The Man in the Iron Mask: [speaking over Claude] Please don't leave me here! Please! Please!

[he is obviously desperate]

Claude: [speaking over the Man in the Iron Mask] Look, look, I wouldn't leave you here, you're my friend. But take you with me; I don't even know who you are.

Claude: Yaaaghh!

[he tosses the man off him onto the floor and closes the door, leaving]

The Man in the Iron Mask: I thought the king forgave me.

The Man in the Iron Mask: [he climbs out of a tunnel and is hit on the head by Pierre de Sisi, who has been mistaken for Charles Coupe] I thought I was free.

Charles: Do be gracious. We're not in Corsica.

Claude: I don't car... kare? care?

Charles: Care.

Claude: Care where we are. I don't think this is suitable for the occasion.

Charles: [Trying to escape out the window, the brothers find themselves confronted by a cannon pointed straight at them] We... from Corsica!

Claude: As they say in Corsica... Goodbye!