Marion: What are you, a mortician or something? This is the kind of music they play in funeral parlors.

Marion: Are you trying to get me tight?

Robert Danvers: You're frightening enough sober.

Jimmy: Are you him?

Andrew: Well, I'm certainly not her.

Wedding Guest in Blue Dress: It's such a joy to see someone with breeding on the television, instead, of those young savages with their banjos.

Robert Danvers: Quite.

Male Wedding Guest: But, the fellow is as black as the ace of spades. But, surprisingly decent.

Wedding Guest in Red Hat: Really? Then some of them are, aren't they?

Lady Heather: You can ignore the charm, Julia. He's a rotter. Not your style at all.

Freddie, Wedding Guest: Tell me, do you have a proper job? I mean, when you're not doing this television stuff?

Robert Danvers: I perform abortions. Didn't you know? Excuse me.

Willie the Bridegroom: I must say, she's looking absolutely, eh...

Robert Danvers: Yes, yes.

Willie the Bridegroom: Yes. Yes. I mean, she's really quite, um...

Robert Danvers: She is.

Willie the Bridegroom: She is. Yes. What is the word? How would one put it?

Robert Danvers: Lovely.

Willie the Bridegroom: Yes! Yes, that's it. Lovely.

Robert Danvers: [on the television in Robert's bedroom, while he's in bed with Julia Halforde-Smythe] So, having set ones taste buds bursting, we come to the main dish. A sort of shish kabob or skewered lamb. These are meticulously selected cuts impaled

[demonstrating with his fingers]

Robert Danvers: with onions and garlic flavor and turned over and over a bare flame until the meat sizzles and the juice is run out. For pudding or sweets or afters, I prefer the word pudding, myself, the banana surprise was - a masterpiece.

Robert Danvers: You look stunning today, Clare. Immaculate. Like virgin snow.

Clare, the bride: Do I?

Robert Danvers: My God but you're lovely.

[leans down to kiss Clare's neck]

Clare, the bride: No, Robert.

Robert Danvers: We had six glorious months. This is our last time.

Clare, the bride: No. That's out.

Robert Danvers: Isn't it better to end with a bang than a whimper?

Clare, the bride: Someone may come in.

Robert Danvers: I locked the door.

Clare, the bride: You only want me for one thing.

Robert Danvers: What a lovely thing.

Julia Halforde-Smythe: Ahhh, Lady Heather was right. You are a rotter.

Robert Danvers: [kissing his way up her bare belly] You have a delicious flavor.

Lady Heather: [to her daughter as she leaves on her honeymoon] Lose it gracefully, darling.

Clare, the bride: [knock at the door, while she's in bed with her former lover] Who is it?

Lady Heather: [from the hallway] Do you need any help darling?

Clare, the bride: No, Mommy, I can manage.

Lady Heather: Well, don't forget the plane. Will you be long?

Robert Danvers: [whispers to Clare] Tell her five minutes.

Clare, the bride: [whispers back] My God, at least make it ten!

John, the porter: He is back, sir, but, he's got company.

Andrew: At 6:30 at the middle of rush hour?

John, the porter: I think he's workin' them in shifts now, sir. I don't know sir, but, they go in and out of there like a woman's relay race.

Andrew: He must be very - fit.

John, the porter: You should see this one sir. Oh, the legs on her - right up to her bum. Not like my Misses. Her ass comes down to meet her knees.

Julia Halforde-Smythe: [in bed] Mmm, ahhh. You're wonderful.

Robert Danvers: I know I am.

Julia Halforde-Smythe: But, please, no more.

Robert Danvers: My God, but you're lovely.

[continues]

Robert Danvers: What would you like to drink?

Marion: What have you got?

Robert Danvers: Well, there's Sherry, Brandy, Whiskey, Scotch and Rye, Kirs, Dubonnet, Campari, Slivovitz, Port, Vodka, Ouzo, Saki. Or, we could even be devils and split a bottle of the old champagne wine.

Marion: Got any beer?

Robert Danvers: There's some rubbing alcohol in the medicine cabinet, if you care for that.

Marion: Scotch.

Andrew: Who is this?

Robert Danvers: Can't you look at a girl without lathering up?

Andrew: You treat your sex life like a continuous wine tasting. Roll 'em 'round and spit 'em out.

His Wife: [reading the newspaper] Listen to this, "Vicker's 63 runs up with 18 year old Sunday school mistress." I don't know what these grown men see in these young girls. I really don't.

Marion: [from Robert's bathroom] Hey, what are you, a weirdo or something?

Marion: Why do you ask?

Marion: All these mirrors.

Robert Danvers: It amuses me.

Marion: What's so amusing about staring at yourself on the throne?

Robert Danvers: If I made a pass at you now, what would your reaction be?

Marion: Oh, well, you want the results. before you place the bet! What do you reckon the odds are?

Marion: You didn't bring me here to look at me.

Robert Danvers: I was under the impression that you brought me.

Marion: Oh, wow. Next, you'll be shouting rape.

Robert Danvers: Oh, if you like, yes.

Robert Danvers: Look, may I ask you a question without getting a question in reply?

Marion: It depends.

Marion: There's always a bit of yak about sex before the pass to get you in the mood.

Robert Danvers: To get who in the mood?

Marion: The girl. You're already in it.

Marion: Most of the fellas I know would have made a grab as soon as we walked through the door. They're too lazy to chat you up. They all walk around in their tight jeans, so you can take a good look at the goods and make up your own mind. But, you, you don't put the goods in the store window. You bring me home and prove to me that you're loaded and drop some big hints about who you are and I'm supposed to be all impressed and run back to my girlfriends and say, "Hey guys, guess who did me the big favor last night?"

Robert Danvers: Why do you always answer a question with another question?

Marion: Why do you?

Robert Danvers: Why did you say just now that you wanted to keep one up on me a bit longer?

Marion: Supply and demand, I suppose. I'm in demand and until I supply, I'm one up.

Robert Danvers: And a bit longer?

Marion: Well, the final result is never much in doubt, is it?

Marion: They're all passing me around like a tray of cakes. Just have a nibble and pass her on. You know, it isn't very nice - being passed around.

Robert Danvers: Look, that's enough. You are most arrogant young idiot I've ever laid my eyes on. What's left of them. You imagine that if a woman even looks at you, it must be love. And that any man over 40, eh 34, I mean, 35, must be repellent.

Jimmy: Well let's face it, chicks don't go out with old geezers like you for their lovely profiles, do they?

Robert Danvers: I can beat you to any woman.

Jimmy: You what?

Robert Danvers: Yes. Any woman, any place, any time!

Robert Danvers: You can hardly expect her to enjoy sharing you.

Jimmy: Why not? Most of the blokes I know are havin' it off with birds all over the place.

Robert Danvers: Well...

Jimmy: Well, I just want to get mine under the same roof. Save me self a bloody fortune, mate.

Jimmy: Will you listen to me? Oh, Christ, my head.

Marion: I hope your head breaks open and all your brains spill out all over the place and you tread on them and fall over.

[slams the door]

Robert Danvers: Gruesome turn of phrase, hasn't she?

Robert Danvers: One last word of advice, young lady. You're 19 and what is commonly called a push-over. Now then, had it been anyone else but me last night...

Marion: I know.

Robert Danvers: If you continue like this, by the time you're 21, you're going to - well, you're too lovely to go throwing yourself at any man to - let them take advantage of you.

[Marion giggles]

Robert Danvers: What's so funny?

Marion: Just the words you use: "take advantage".

Jimmy: My eyes feel like two piss holes in the snow. I reckon I could grow mushrooms on my tongue.

Robert Danvers: What is so offense about her being with me?

Jimmy: Well me. Don't you think you ought to know better at your age?

Robert Danvers: My God, but you are lovely.

Marion: Oh, my God, but you're corny.

Jimmy: What about women, eh? Just cause I'm moving Caroline in, she starts screaming blue murder.

Robert Danvers: Well, that's only natural, isn't it?

Jimmy: Natural? Why? Caroline'd be company for her. Cut the 'ousework in 'alf. They'd be laughin'. No, it's too reasonable. Friggin' women. I tell you, if I didn't fancy them so much, I reckon I'd change sides.

Marion: That's me. The disposable girl. Use me once and then throw me away.

Nigel's Girl Friend: Nigel, where are my knickers?

Nigel: Now, don't panic. They're in my jacket breast pocket.

Robert Danvers: [at a French wine tasting] You don't swallow it. You spit it out.

Marion: Why waste it?

Robert Danvers: Then you can judge the next.

Marion: Who wants my opinion?

Andrew: Well, I must offer you my heartiest congratulations, old boy. She is a doll!

Robert Danvers: Where did you learn to make love? In a laboratory?

Reporter #2: Where did you both meet?

Robert Danvers: At breakfast.

Reporter #3: Where?

Marion: At a Turkish bath.

Marion: You're - um - very nice. Handsome. Aren't you going to - um - take advantage of me, now that I want you to? I should. Don't worry. I promise I won't laugh.

Robert Danvers: Now what? How very romantic you are. I ought to bloody well put you across my knee.

Marion: Okay, come on! Come on.

Reporter #1: What's your maiden name, Mrs. Danvers?

Marion: Ada Sludge.

Andrew: It's rather like picking one's nose in public when one has a perfectly adequate handkerchief in one's pocket.

Floor Waiter: Monsieur. Madame. And we all 'ope you'll have a penis - all your life.

Robert Danvers: [waiter leaves, Marion gives Robert a puzzled look] They hope that you will have - *happiness* - all of your life.

Andrew: Good morning!

Marion: Well, can I help you?

Andrew: Is himself in?

Marion: He's in the shower.

Marion: Do you still want to share us both?

Jimmy: Oh, changed your mind have you?

Caroline: Now, just a minute.

Jimmy: Shut up. Nobody's asking you.

Robert Danvers: Why must you go back to that - psychedelic zombie?

Jimmy: You're lucky I'm a pacifist. Otherwise, I'd give you a free kick in the cobblers.

Andrew: What's happened to your other girlfriend?

Jimmy: Oh, her. I booted her ass out of it.

Andrew: Did you, really? You sweet old fashioned thing.

Jimmy: Where is she then?

Andrew: Who knows? Rubbing her ass, presumably. - - Oh, you mean Marion.