Mike Stivic: Why couldn't they say "Buddha, bless you" in Chinese?
Archie Bunker: Because they don't say that, that's why. If they say... Well, if they say anything at all, it's "Sayonara".
Mike Stivic: That's Japanese.
Archie Bunker: Same thing.
Mike Stivic: It's not the same thing!
Archie Bunker: What are you talking about? You put a Jap and a Chink together, you gonna tell me which is which?
Mike Stivic: That's right, because I find out about them. I talk to them as individuals.
Archie Bunker: Sure you talk to them. You say, "Which one of you guys is the Chink?"
Mike Stivic: [yells] I don't believe this. He's making me crazy!
Mike Stivic: We're going to see something you know nothing about: culture.
[Shows him the art exhibit book]
Archie Bunker: Oh ho ho, look at this. No wonder he's getting himself so excited, it's one of his own here: A Polack art exhibit.
Mike Stivic: That's 'Pollock'. Jackson Pollock. He happens to be a great American artist.
Archie Bunker: Well he sure paints Polish. Look at this: he splashes and smears the paint over everything here. What do you mean? A monkey could do that. A great American artist? There ain't a tree or a flag or a president in the whole damn book.
Mike Stivic: I'd explain it to you, Arch, but first you'd have to move your brain ahead two centuries.
Archie Bunker: Why don't you go take a short walk on a long pier?
Mike Stivic: Ha, you can't even get that right! It's take a long walk off a short pier.
Archie Bunker: Then do that.
Archie Bunker: Get out of my chair, Meathead!
Mike Stivic: I just thank God I'm an atheist.
Archie Bunker: Like the Good Book says, "Let him who is without sin... be the rollin' stone."
Archie Bunker: Waaaaaaait a minute, waaaaaaait a minute, wait!
Edith Bunker: [Archie's in the bathroom] Archie! When are ya comin' out?
Archie Bunker: Why, ya sellin' the house?
Edith Bunker: You've been in there for 20 minutes.
Archie Bunker: Who are you? The official time-keeper?
Edith Bunker: What are ya doin' in there?
Archie Bunker: I'm changing the tile. One more word out of ya and I ain't never comin' out!
Archie Bunker: You know somethin', Edith? You're a pip. You know that? A real pip.
George Jefferson: If he's gonna have the last laugh, I'm gonna have it first.
[Edith's high school is being torn down to build a grocery store]
Edith Bunker: It won't be the same saying "I went to school there," while pointing at the A&P.
Archie Bunker: His chest is all puffed out like Raquel Walsh.
Archie Bunker: You'd better start mixing toothpaste with your shampoo. You're getting a cavity in your brain.
Archie Bunker: Everyone I like stays the hell away from me.
Archie: Whatever happened to the good old days when kids was scared to death of their parents?
Archie Bunker: What she done was wrong and she gotta be punished. For the next two weeks, no out after school. No out at all. If you find yourself having fun at something, stop it. And no delicious foods for three weeks. You only gotta eat the terrible foods that are good for you. And then no TV for a week. And the next week, and this is gonna be tougher: educational TV only.
Archie Bunker: I tell ya, Edith, when a plumber's business goes into the toilet you're sitting pretty.
Archie Bunker: Silence is golden, so stifle thy self.
Archie Bunker: Edith, if you call me "Cute" one more time, I swear I'll open a vein.
Archie Bunker: Dummy up, dummy up!
Archie Bunker: Get away from me!
Archie Bunker: Case CLOSED!
Archie Bunker: You worse than that hebe congressman Sam Irving.
Archie Bunker: I got bigger fish to fly.
Archie: Your honor, may I encroach the bench?
Archie: Button your face.
Archie Bunker: In my bed I stay, 'til death us do part.
Archie Bunker: You gotta grab the bull by the corns.
Archie Bunker: [commenting on a woman's perfume] It infiltrates the nosetrils.
Archie Bunker: [telling the story of Samson] He took a jawbone from the grass and slew the Palestine army.
Archie Bunker: We was like two ships that clashed in the night.
Archie Bunker: She ain't gonna saying nothing more because the smoke has given her an attack of, what do you call, laryngosis.
Archie Bunker: God can do anything! He can turn your jawbone into an ass!
Archie Bunker: God don't make no mistakes, that's how He got to be God.
Archie Bunker: You're a regular Edgar Allen Polack.
Edith: [repeated line, whenever Archie has said something rude or insensitive] Oh, Archie!
Archie Bunker: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but you are one dumb Polack.