Evil Roy Slade: You know what nice is? Suppose there was a whole herd of dead cattle, dropped dead on the field, just for you. That's what nice is.'
Evil Roy Slade: I ain't giving up. I've worked hard, it took me years to work my way to the bottom.
Evil Roy Slade: Take that big fiddle out from between your legs. There are ladies present.
Cellist: But sir...
Evil Roy Slade: I don't want no trouble, you just tuck it up under your chin like a fiddle's 'sposed to be played... now!
Cellist: Yes sir. Right now sir.
[trying to play cello like a giant violin & smiling]
Evil Roy Slade: That's good.
Evil Roy Slade: I can't read, you dumb love of my life!
Evil Roy Slade: This straight life ain't for me. It's too boring. My idea of a nine to five job is nine men robbing five men!
Evil Roy Slade: I learned a valuable lesson today. Never trust a pretty girl or a lonely midget.
Nelson Stool: I learned two valuble lessons today: never trust a dumb nephew or a... slobbering bulldog.
Doctor Delp: Try harder, Roy. Try to cry. If you can release one tear, it'll help you
Evil Roy Slade: I don't know how to cry.
Doctor Delp: Think. Think harder. Think about your lonely youth: no friends, no home, no warmth, no affection... cactus in your diaper
[Slade starts sobbing]
Doctor Delp: Yes! Yes, there's a tear! We're curing you!
Doctor Delp: This is the ultimate test! I want you to shed your weapons... and walk across the room!
Evil Roy Slade: I cain't! I don't goin' nowhere without my guns! I even take a bath with my guns!
Doctor Delp: You don't NEED them, Roy! Take them off and walk! Oh Roy, try! Take off your weapons!
[Roy removes holster]
Doctor Delp: Good!... Is that everything?
[Roy reaches up his sleeve for a knife]
Doctor Delp: Whew! Anyting else?
[Roy removes gun from his sock]
Doctor Delp: Oh, a little one, huh? Ok. Is that all?
[Roy removes a bomb from behind his back]
Doctor Delp: Oh my goodness!
Evil Roy Slade: [wobbly & sounding retarded] Ahhhhhhhhhhheeeeeee! I got... no... weapons!
Doctor Delp: [moves across the room] Walk. Here, walk to me. WALK TO ME, ROY! WALK TO ME, ROY!
[Roy staggers & falls]
Doctor Delp: ROY!
Evil Roy Slade: I cain't! I cain't! I cain't do it! Cain't!
Doctor Delp: You CAN do it! Try again! Try again, Roy! Come on, Roy! Come on. Come on.
[staggers and falls again]
Doctor Delp: Ohhhhhh!
Evil Roy Slade: [sobbing!] I cain't do it!
Doctor Delp: You CAN do it!
Evil Roy Slade: I cain't!
Doctor Delp: Ack! Walk to me! Ohhh, Roy walk to me you sniveling little coward! Walk!
[Roy gets angry]
Doctor Delp: Oooh!
Evil Roy Slade: Who you callin'... A COWARD? Yeeeeeaahhh!
[gets up, lunges at Delp and strangles him]
Doctor Delp: [strangled voice] Roy! Roy, you did it. You walked without your gun!
Evil Roy Slade: Ahh... I did! A-ha-ha. I walked without my gun!
Doctor Delp: Oh Roy!
[hugs him mumbling 'I knew you could do it' as Roy looks awkward]
Evil Roy Slade: I KNEW he was one of them funny boys!
Evil Roy Slade: I ain't gonna kill him, I'm gonna do something a lot meaner. Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!
Marshal Bing Bell: [smug] What's that?
Evil Roy Slade: I'm gonna shoot this guitar full of lead.
Marshal Bing Bell: [panicking] No! No, Slade, no! No, n-n-n-not my guitar, Slade! No, it's the only thing I ever LOVED, Slade!
[runs in front of guitar and takes bullet]
Marshal Bing Bell: ... 'cept ME!
Evil Roy Slade: Whoops!
Evil Roy Slade: [addressing his men] Boys, as we stand here, ready to rob our last stage, I want you to remember the five most important things that I taught you.
[Slade squats and writes the first letter of each word in the dirt with his hand]
Evil Roy Slade: Sneaking, Lying, Arrogance, Dirtiness and Evil. Put them all together and they spell "Slade!"
[Slade raises his hand to stop the cheers of his men]
Evil Roy Slade: Enough warmth.
Evil Roy Slade: Darn girl. Makes me do a lotta thinkin'. Lemme see, a brand new name... Evil John Ferguson.
Evil Roy Slade: Nah. Evil Fred Noland.
Evil Roy Slade: Nah. Evil Lee Rich.
[grins and then shakes head]
Evil Roy Slade: Nah.
[to his horse]
Evil Roy Slade: What d'you think?
Evil Roy Slade: Yer too dumb.