Betsy Potter: Let's try some arithmetic. If you had six apples and your neighbor took three apples. What would you have?

Evil Roy Slade: A dead neighbor and all six apples.

Doctor Delp: It's part of a science called "phrenology".

Evil Roy Slade: What's "science"?

Flossie: [Roy is breaking up the gang] Roy, you aren't going to leave me alone are you? I love you.

Evil Roy Slade: [pause] Alright, who wants Flossie?

Evil Roy Slade: You know what nice is? Suppose there was a whole herd of dead cattle, dropped dead on the field, just for you. That's what nice is.'

Evil Roy Slade: I ain't giving up. I've worked hard, it took me years to work my way to the bottom.

Preacher: I have kings with an ace!

Evil Roy Slade: I have threes with a gun.

Preacher: You win!

Evil Roy Slade: Take that big fiddle out from between your legs. There are ladies present.

Cellist: But sir...

Evil Roy Slade: I don't want no trouble, you just tuck it up under your chin like a fiddle's 'sposed to be played... now!

[pulls gun]

Cellist: Yes sir. Right now sir.

[trying to play cello like a giant violin & smiling]

Evil Roy Slade: That's good.

Betsy Potter: I'm sad that there's so much evil in your heart.

Evil Roy Slade: It's in my heart and in my hands, in my eyes - and a lot in my feet, I love kicking!

Betsy Potter: I love you, Roy.

Evil Roy Slade: Nobody's ever said that to me before.

Aggie Potter: Move, buzzard breath!

Evil Roy Slade: THAT'S been said to me before.

Evil Roy Slade: I can't read, you dumb love of my life!

Evil Roy Slade: [after making a deposit] Uh, I changed my mind. Give me my money back. In fact...

[pulls out a gun]

Evil Roy Slade: Give me *everybody's* money back!

Nelson Stool: Marshal Bing Bell.

Clifford Stool: Who is it?

Nelson Stool: That's his name, you idiot!

Evil Roy Slade: This straight life ain't for me. It's too boring. My idea of a nine to five job is nine men robbing five men!

Evil Roy Slade: Hideout.

Doctor Delp: Wanted.

Evil Roy Slade: Poster.

Doctor Delp: Bear.

Evil Roy Slade: Teddy.

Doctor Delp: What?

Evil Roy Slade: Nothin'. Next question.

Doctor Delp: What did you SAY?

Evil Roy Slade: I didn't say nothin'!

Evil Roy Slade: I learned a valuable lesson today. Never trust a pretty girl or a lonely midget.

Nelson Stool: I learned two valuble lessons today: never trust a dumb nephew or a... slobbering bulldog.

Doctor Delp: Try harder, Roy. Try to cry. If you can release one tear, it'll help you

Evil Roy Slade: I don't know how to cry.

Doctor Delp: Think. Think harder. Think about your lonely youth: no friends, no home, no warmth, no affection... cactus in your diaper

[Slade starts sobbing]

Doctor Delp: Yes! Yes, there's a tear! We're curing you!

Doctor Delp: This is the ultimate test! I want you to shed your weapons... and walk across the room!

Evil Roy Slade: I cain't! I don't goin' nowhere without my guns! I even take a bath with my guns!

Doctor Delp: You don't NEED them, Roy! Take them off and walk! Oh Roy, try! Take off your weapons!

[Roy removes holster]

Doctor Delp: Good!... Is that everything?

[Roy reaches up his sleeve for a knife]

Doctor Delp: Whew! Anyting else?

[Roy removes gun from his sock]

Doctor Delp: Oh, a little one, huh? Ok. Is that all?

[Roy removes a bomb from behind his back]

Doctor Delp: Oh my goodness!

Evil Roy Slade: [wobbly & sounding retarded] Ahhhhhhhhhhheeeeeee! I got... no... weapons!

Doctor Delp: [moves across the room] Walk. Here, walk to me. WALK TO ME, ROY! WALK TO ME, ROY!

[Roy staggers & falls]

Doctor Delp: ROY!

Evil Roy Slade: I cain't! I cain't! I cain't do it! Cain't!

Doctor Delp: You CAN do it! Try again! Try again, Roy! Come on, Roy! Come on. Come on.

[staggers and falls again]

Doctor Delp: Ohhhhhh!

Evil Roy Slade: [sobbing!] I cain't do it!

Doctor Delp: You CAN do it!

Evil Roy Slade: I cain't!

Doctor Delp: Ack! Walk to me! Ohhh, Roy walk to me you sniveling little coward! Walk!

[Roy gets angry]

Doctor Delp: Oooh!

Evil Roy Slade: Who you callin'... A COWARD? Yeeeeeaahhh!

[gets up, lunges at Delp and strangles him]

Doctor Delp: [strangled voice] Roy! Roy, you did it. You walked without your gun!

Evil Roy Slade: Ahh... I did! A-ha-ha. I walked without my gun!

Doctor Delp: Oh Roy!

[hugs him mumbling 'I knew you could do it' as Roy looks awkward]

Evil Roy Slade: I KNEW he was one of them funny boys!

Marshal Bing Bell: [laughs] Slade, you've given me trouble for the last time, the reward says dead OR alive. How you wanna go?

[plucks guitar]

Marshal Bing Bell: E Sharp?

[plucks again]

Marshal Bing Bell: Or B Flat? Hmm?

Evil Roy Slade: I ain't gonna kill him, I'm gonna do something a lot meaner. Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!

Marshal Bing Bell: [smug] What's that?

Evil Roy Slade: I'm gonna shoot this guitar full of lead.

Marshal Bing Bell: [panicking] No! No, Slade, no! No, n-n-n-not my guitar, Slade! No, it's the only thing I ever LOVED, Slade!

[runs in front of guitar and takes bullet]

Marshal Bing Bell: ... 'cept ME!

Evil Roy Slade: Whoops!

Evil Roy Slade: [addressing his men] Boys, as we stand here, ready to rob our last stage, I want you to remember the five most important things that I taught you.

[Slade squats and writes the first letter of each word in the dirt with his hand]

Evil Roy Slade: Sneaking, Lying, Arrogance, Dirtiness and Evil. Put them all together and they spell "Slade!"

[Slade raises his hand to stop the cheers of his men]

Evil Roy Slade: Enough warmth.

Evil Roy Slade: Darn girl. Makes me do a lotta thinkin'. Lemme see, a brand new name... Evil John Ferguson.

[shakes head]

Evil Roy Slade: Nah. Evil Fred Noland.

[shakes head]

Evil Roy Slade: Nah. Evil Lee Rich.

[grins and then shakes head]

Evil Roy Slade: Nah.

[to his horse]

Evil Roy Slade: What d'you think?

[horse snorts]

Evil Roy Slade: Yer too dumb.

Toy Cowboy: [Grabbing Evil Roy from behind]

Evil Roy Slade: Get off my back little boy!

Toy Cowboy: I'm 46 years old don't call me your little boy!