Mrs. Slocombe: [removes her gas mask] What about this fog! My pussy's been gasping all night.

Mr. Humphries: [deep voice] Menswear.

[repeated line]

Mr. Grainger: Don't worry if the sleeves are too long, you'll find they'll ride up with wear.

Mr. Grainger: Mrs. Slocombe. I suggest you take your underwear down at once.

Mr. Lucas: Same goes for Miss Brahms.

[repeated line]

Captain Peacock: Are you free, Mr Humphries?

Mr. Humphries: I'm free!

Mr. Rumbold: Let's try to keep it light and gay.

Mr. Lucas: [to Mr. Humphries] I'll handle the "light" part.

Miss Brahms: Well if England's a such good country you've cracked it up to be. How come then we've got strikes & inflation. Mmm? So what's so good about England then?

Captain Peacock: I shall tell you what is so good about England Miss Brahms. It is the only country in the world that isn't semi-detached.

[referring to Miss Brahms's house]

Captain Peacock: .

[repeated line]

Mrs. Slocombe: ...and I am unanimous in this!

[Captain Peacock beckons to Mrs Slocombe]

Mrs. Slocombe: Captain Peacock, I do not respond to any man's finger.

Miss Brahms: I want some excitement, I want to do something with my life. I'm looking for Dallas and all I'm getting is Coronation Street.

Mr. Humphries: You're lucky. All I'm getting is Jackanory.

[about a suggestion in the suggestion box]

Captain Peacock: This one is unsigned, and suggests that you do something physically impossible with the suggestion box.

[repeated line]

Young Mr. Grace: You've all done very well!

[the nurse is coaching Old Mr. Grace on an electric bicycle]

Mr. Grace's Nurse: I've got a surprise for you, Mr. Grace. You've been doing it on your own the last five minutes.

Old Mr. Grace: You get used to that sort of thing at my time of life.

Mrs. Slocombe: You know, I always keep a couple of pound notes tucked away in me knickers, just for emergencies. Unfortunately, last week, I had an emergency.

Mr. Humphries: Ooh, what happened?

Mrs. Slocombe: The elastic broke and I dropped one in the Haymarket and it blew off down the street. Two seconds later, the other one followed it.

Mrs. Slocombe: [Mr. Humphries has just been sacked for being a "troublemaker"] I can't believe this is our last morning coffee together!

Miss Brahms: Coffee? I thought this was tea.

Mr. Bert Spooner: No, the tea's the one with the froth on top.

Mrs. Slocombe: [into phone] Yes.


Mrs. Slocombe: Yes.


Mrs. Slocombe: I will.

[hangs up phone]

Mrs. Slocombe: Captain Peacock?

Captain Peacock: Yes?

Mrs. Slocombe: Apparently Miss Belfridge is in one of the fitting rooms, and Mr. Rumbold requires her in his office.

Miss Brahms: She must have got in early!

Mrs. Slocombe: She's no right to be there without my permission.

Captain Peacock: Or mine. Get her out of there, Miss Brahms, I shall speak to her most severely about this.

Miss Brahms: [walks to fitting room] Here! Captain Peacock wants you out here, at the double.

Miss Belfridge: [walks out in outfit that is barely more than a bra and pantyhose, with Captain Peacock's eyes glued to her bust] You wanted to see me, Stephen?

Captain Peacock: You should really ask for my permission to be on the floor, but I'll overlook it this time.

Mrs. Slocombe: It's the only thing he has overlooked.

Mr. Humphries: I attended the Barley Road Mixed Infants.

Miss Brahms: Oh, boys and girls?

Mr. Humphries: No, just boys!

Mr. Humphries: Glass of water for Mr. Grainger.

Mr. Lucas: Glass of water coming up.

Mr. Humphries: And Mrs. Peacock. Just to let you know Miss Belfridge will be directly under Captain Peacock.


Mr. Humphries: I'm free.

Mr. Humphries: [discussing having to hang onto backs of buses and skateboard to Grace Brothers to save money] I had just bent down to tighten my nuts, and there was a double yellow line, see? And next thing I knew, there was policeman behind me. He put a sticker on my helmet and tried to clamp me.

Mr. Beverley Harman: Ah, here's your instant coffee, sir.

Mr. Rumbold: Why's it called instant coffee?

Mr. Beverley Harman: Because there is only one instant at which it tastes like coffee.

Captain Peacock: [Knocking on Mr. Rumbold's door] We're all outside, sir.

Mr. Rumbold: People who knock usually are!

Mrs. Slocombe: Captain Peacock! Captain Peacock!

Captain Peacock: Mrs. Slocombe, you will return to your post. When I turn around, you will raise your arm. I will ask, "What is, Mrs. Slocombe?" You will ask me, "Are you free?" If I nod, you may then approach me.

Mrs. Slocombe: Are you free, Captain Peacock?

Captain Peacock: [looks about him] At the moment.

Miss Brahms: How's your queen pudding?

Mr. Humphries: It hasn't quite fulfilled its promise.

Mr. Lucas: I don't know. It promised to be awful and it's disgusting.

Captain Peacock: [walks up to the manageress] Did you notice that I was clicking my fingers, clearing my throat and banging my spoon on the table?

Canteen Manageress: I did notice it, yeah.

Captain Peacock: And what message do those actions convey to you?

Canteen Manageress: Well, when my two-year-old does it, it usually means he needs to go to the potty.

Captain Peacock: Your truculent behavior has not gone unnoticed and will be reported!

Canteen Manageress: Good! That's what I hoped. Then perhaps the management will realise that sacking my waiting staff is more trouble than it's worth because I ain't serving.


Canteen Manageress: You'll have to make do with a set menu.

Captain Peacock: Well, then, may I ask you what is on this set menu, or are you not programmed to give an intelligent response?