Barry McKenzie: Now listen mate, I need to splash the boots. You know, strain the potatoes. Water the horses. You know, go where the big knobs hang out. Shake hands with the wife's best friend? Drain the dragon? Siphon the python? Ring the rattlesnake? You know, unbutton the mutton? Like, point Percy at the porcelain?

Blanche: I think he wants to go to the loo.

Barry McKenzie: Don't come the raw prawn with me!

Dominic: Lesley, I don't know where we went wrong... I'm sure it was 50% your fault...

Landlord: [reading from newspaper] "I had six pints of Guinness and everything went black..."

Aunt Edna Everage: You're going to break a few hearts tonight. Just let your Auntie whisk off your cradle-cap, and pick out those little custard corners.

Aunt Edna Everage: What a delightfully refreshing traditional old English meal that was, Mrs Gort

Mrs. Gort: Oh, thank-you

Aunt Edna Everage: And how unusual to serve the spaghetti bolognese without the toast.

Barry McKenzie: What's the damage, Sport?

Cabbie: Well, let's see: eh, extra passenger, use of luggage rack, hire of ashtrays, over the five mile limit, afternoon driving tax, compensation surcharge, windscreen wiper depreciation - that'll be sixty eight new Pounds, Guv.

Barry McKenzie: Sixty eight quid? Stone the crows. That's bloody highway robbery!

flight attendant: [speaking over the aircraft's public address system] We are now landing at London's Heathrow Airport. Have your disembarkation papers, customs' clearances, currency control vouchers, passports, tickets, identity dockets, caMLA orders, immigration certificates, temporary visas, racial origin certificates, baggage checks, leprosy immunisation cards and security clearances ready for inspection, please.