Carlo Carlucci: In Italy, the lunch hour is from one to four.
Wendell Armbruster: *Three hours* for lunch?
Carlo Carlucci: Mr. Armbruster. Here we do not rush to drugstore for chicken sandwich & Coca-Cola. Here, we take our time. We cook our pasta, we sprinkle our Parmigiano, we drink our wine, we make our love...
Wendell Armbruster: What do you do in the evening?
Carlo Carlucci: In the evening, we go home to our wives.
J.J. Blodgett: What the hell is going on in this country? This wouldn't have happened in the old days!
Man at heliport: You remember Mussolini?
J.J. Blodgett: I don't object to foreigners speaking a foreign language. I just wish they'd all speak the same foreign language.
Carlo Carlucci: The coroner, he eats very well. He knows all the widows.
Carlo Carlucci: Mr. Blodgett, I am Carlo Carlucci, Director of the hotel. Such a pleasure to have you here.
J.J. Blodgett: [Paying scant attention to Carlucci] Thank you...
Carlo Carlucci: It may interest you to know, we had another famous American diplomat staying here once: Mr. Benjamin Franklin.
J.J. Blodgett: Franklin? Oh, oh yes, Ben Franklin... Well, good man for his time. Of course, today, I'm not sure he could pass the security check.
Carlo Carlucci: Would you like to see his room? It is in the old part of the building.
J.J. Blodgett: [Impatiently] Not now...
Carlo Carlucci: Excuse me, I would like your advice about something, straight from the horse's mouth. Do you think there will be a war in the Middle East?
J.J. Blodgett: [Somewhat taken aback] We don't give out that kind of information.
Carlo Carlucci: You see, I have been offered a job with an American chain of hotels... the Sheraton. And there are a couple of openings and one of them is in Damascus.
J.J. Blodgett: Damascus, hmm... Now don't quote me on this, but with the Russian presence escalating in the Mediterranean, and the military posture of the Arabs stiffening and the first strike capabilities of the Israelis at its peak, the whole place is a powder keg that could blow up in your face any second. My advice is, forget Damascus.
Carlo Carlucci: Thank you. In that case I'd better take the other job.
J.J. Blodgett: What's that?
Carlo Carlucci: The Sheraton in New York.
J.J. Blodgett: [Slight pause] Hmm... Take the one in Damascus!
Pamela Piggott: For instance, you need a coffin lined with some sort of metal.
Wendell Armbruster: Zinc.
Wendell Armbruster: Better get a couple of those.
Carlo Carlucci: I had trouble finding one!
Wendell Armbruster: Come on. You can dig up a couple of coffins.
Carlo Carlucci: [hesitating] You want second-hand coffins?
Pamela Piggott: [Talking about her ex-boyfriend] The bastard walked out on me. Stole my telly, two Picasso posters, and my hair dryer. Moved in with some skinny girl in Kensington... When I found out, would you believe I tried to kill myself?
Wendell Armbruster: No!
Pamela Piggott: Yes. I took my week's salary, bought myself a suitcase full of fish and chips and a dozen bottles of Guinness stout, and tried to eat myself to death. Took them hours to pump my stomach out.
Wendell Armbruster: Was it worth it, for a guy like that?
Pamela Piggott: It was stupid. But I've learned my lesson: No more fish and chips!
J.J. Blodgett: We don't need an export licence. We're gonna bypass all that bull...
Wendell Armbruster: Bypass, how can you do it?
J.J. Blodgett: No sweat. We're appointing your father commercial attaché to the embassy in Rome, and that entitles him to all the rights and immunities of a diplomat.
Wendell Armbruster: But wait a minute, we're going to appoint him...
J.J. Blodgett: Why not?
Wendell Armbruster: A dead man?
J.J. Blodgett: Just proves that we don't discriminate against anybody for reasons of race, creed, color, or state of health.
Wendell Armbruster: [as Pamela strips at the seaside] Miss Piggott! Please keep in mind that it's Sunday, and this is a Catholic country!
Pamela Piggott: Oh, they're a terrific group! They call themselves, "The Four Apostles" - Matthew, Mark, Luke and Bertram.
Wendell Armbruster: Aagh! Goddamn Ralph Nader! Who asked him!