Sleeper (1973)

Woody Allen: Miles Monroe

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Quotes 

• Luna Schlosser : It's hard to believe that you haven't had sex for 200 years.

  Miles Monroe : 204, if you count my marriage.

• Miles Monroe : Do I believe in God? I'm what you would call a teleological, existential atheist. I believe that there's an intelligence to the universe, with the exception of certain parts of New Jersey.

• Miles Monroe : I haven't seen my analyst in 200 years. He was a strict Freudian. If I'd been going all this time, I'd probably almost be cured by now.

• Miles Monroe : My brain? It's my second favorite organ!

• Dr. Tryon : [Dr. Tryon shows Miles a videotape of Howard Cosell]  At first, we didn't know exactly what this was, but we've developed a theory. We feel that when citizens in your society were guilty of a crime against the state, they were forced to watch this.

  Miles Monroe : Yes. That's exactly what it was.

• Miles Monroe : When I asked my mother where babies came from, she thought I said "rabies." She said you get them from being bitten by a dog. The next week, a woman on my block gave birth to triplets... I thought she'd been bitten by a great dane.

• [last lines] 

  Luna Schlosser : Oh, I see. You don't believe in science, and you also don't believe that political systems work, and you don't believe in God, huh?

  Miles Monroe : Right.

  Luna Schlosser : So then, what do you believe in?

  Miles Monroe : Sex and death - two things that come once in a lifetime... but at least after death, you're not nauseous.

• Luna Schlosser : What's it feel like to be dead for 200 years?

  Miles Monroe : Like spending a weekend in Beverly Hills.

• Miles Monroe : Where am I anyhow, I mean, what happened to everybody, where are all my friends?

  Dr. Aragon : You must understand that everyone you knew in the past has been dead nearly two hundred years.

  Miles Monroe : But they all ate organic rice!

• Miles Monroe : [Miles gets to look at some pictures to identify the people on them]  This was Josef Stalin. He was a communist, I was not too crazy about him, had a bad moustache, lot of bad habits. This is Bela Lugosi. he was, he was the mayor of New York City for a while, you can see what it did to him there, you know. This is, uhm, this is, uh, Charles DeGaulle, he, he was a very famous French chef, had his own television show, showed you how to make souffles and omelets and everything. This is Scott Fitzgerald over here. A very romantic writer. Big with English majors, college girls, you know, nymphomaniacs. Very well, eh - This is Chiang Kai-Shek, who I was not too crazy about either. This is Billy Graham. He was very big in the religion business, you know. He knew God personally. Got him his complete wardrobe to go out on double dates together. It was a very big thing. They were romantically linked for awhile. This is some girls burning a brassiere. You notice it's a very small fire. This I don't know what that is. It's a photograph of Norman Mailer. He was a very great writer. He donated his ego to the Harvard Medical school for study. And this - this I can tell you - this is a centerfold from a magazine they used to call Playboy. Which - um - these girls didn't exist in actual life, you know. They were rubberized. You had to blow them up and then you'd fasten it and then you could spread ointment on them or anything else you - I'll just take this, you know, and study it later and give you a full report on it.

• Luna Schlosser : Miles, did you ever realize that "God" spelled backwards is "Dog"?

  Miles Monroe : Yeah. So?

  Luna Schlosser : It makes you think.

  Miles Monroe : Yeah. You want to push the car, please. Push the car, will ya.

• Miles Monroe : I'm not really the heroic type. I was beat up by Quakers.

• Luna Schlosser : "Regis - register commies, not guns." What's that mean?

  Miles Monroe : What?

  Luna Schlosser : "Register commies, not guns."

  Miles Monroe : Oh, he was probably a member of the National Rifle Association. There was a group that helped criminals get guns so they could shoot citizens. It was a public service.

• Miles Monroe : [Commenting about his new, robotic dog; Rags]  Is he housebroken, or is he going to leave batteries all over the floor?

• Miles Monroe : I don't know what the hell I'm doing here. I'm 237 years old, I should be collecting social security.

• Luna Schlosser : Sex is different today. You see, we don't have any problems. Everybody's frigid.

  Miles Monroe : Oh, that's incredible. So are the men are impotent?

  Luna Schlosser : Yeah, most of them, except for the ones whose ancestors are Italian.

  Miles Monroe : Alright, I knew there was something in that pasta.

• Miles Monroe : [Miles holds a gun to a disembodied nose]  Don't take another step or the president gets it between the eyes.

• Luna Schlosser : Do you want to perform sex with me?

  Miles Monroe : Perform sex? Uh, uh, I don't think I'm up to a performance, but I'll rehearse with you, if you like.

  Luna Schlosser : Okay. I just thought you might want to; they have a machine here.

  Miles Monroe : Machine? I'm not getting into that thing. I, I'm strictly a hand operator; you know, I, I... I don't like anything with moving parts that are not my own.

• Miles Monroe : I'm always joking, you should know that about me; it's a defense mechanism.

• Miles Monroe : [Far off, something howls]  What's that? Are there strange futuristic creatures out here that I don't know about? Like something with the body of a crab and the head of a Social Worker?

• Luna Schlosser : Men go crazy over for me. I'm great physically. I got a Ph.D. in oral sex.

  Miles Monroe : Yeah, they make you take any Spanish with that?

  Luna Schlosser : What?

  Miles Monroe : Well, I don't know. I was an English major, myself. You know, Chaucer, Pope, I minored in foreplay. It's a two credit course at NYU.

• Miles Monroe : We're here to see the nose. I hear it was running.

• Luna : You're biting my nails.

  Miles Monroe : It's because you're tense.

• Miles Monroe : What kind of government you guys got here? This is worse than California!

• Miles Monroe : I don't believe in science. I'm - you know, science is an intellectual dead end, you know? It's a lot of little guys in tweed suits cutting up frogs on foundation grants.

• Miles : You're a sucker. What you didn't realize is that you're dealing with one of the greatest minds you've ever seen.

  Luna : Yeah, and his isn't so bad either!

• Miles Monroe : This stuff tastes awful. I could make a fortune selling it in my health food store.

• Miles Monroe : Look, you gotta be kidding. I wanna go back to sleep! If I don't get at least 600 years, I'm grouchy all day.

• Luna Schlosser : Please! I wanna go home! I'm getting a headache! I'm hungry! I haven't had a stress pill! I haven't had a bath in seven hours! I'm telling you, I'm not accustomed to this. I need my orb! I want to relax. Look at me! Look at me. I'm shaking!

  Miles Monroe : Gee, you know you'd be great to take on a camping trip.

• Miles Monroe : You remind me of Lisa Sorenson

  Luna Schlosser : Who?

  Miles Monroe : An old girlfriend from the village. A Trotskyite, who became a Jesus freak, and was arrested for selling pornographic connect-the-dot books.

• Luna Schlosser : You have to give yourself up! They won't hurt you. They'll re-structure your brain.

  Miles Monroe : Hey, nobody touches my brain; they may drop it. Then I'll talk like Mr. Lepidus who got hit by lightning.

• Luna : Miles, I wrote a song about the revolution.

  Miles Monroe : There's not going to be any revolution, unless we stop the Aries Project.

  Luna : Don't you worry about that; you just relax. Now, listen:

  [Plays guitar and sings] 

  Luna : Rebels are we! Born to be free! Just like the fish in the sea!

  [Note: the rebels in Bananas, which Woody Allen had made two years earlier, sing the same song] 

• Luna Schlosser : Miles, Erno's going to lead the revolution and head the new government.

  Miles Monroe : Look, don't you understand? In six months we'll be stealing Erno's nose. Political solutions don't work. I told you that. It doesn't matter who's up there. They're all terrible.

• Miles Monroe : That's a big chicken.

• Dr. Melik : Why, they could torture you for months. What could you tell them?

  Miles : Only my name, rank, serial number... and YOUR name.

• Miles Monroe : I bought Polaroid at seven, it's probably up millions by now!

• Dr. Orva : Here, smoke this. And be sure you get the smoke deep down into your lungs.

  Miles Monroe : I don't smoke!

  Dr. Orva : It's tobacco! It's one of the healthiest things for your body.

• Miles Monroe : I'm a nice person. I have healthy life drives. I'm as good as gold. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I would never force myself sexually on a blind person.

  Luna Schlosser : You're the alien.

  Miles Monroe : Yes. Yes.

• Miles Monroe : Do you believe in God?

  Luna Schlosser : Well, I believe that - that there's somebody out there who watches over us.

  Miles Monroe : Unfortunately, it's the government.

• Miles Monroe : You'd probably feel a lot safer with Mr. White Teeth back there.

  Luna Schlosser : Who?

  Miles Monroe : The Rebel Chieftain with the wall-to-wall muscles on his chest.

  Luna Schlosser : You mean, Erno?

  Miles Monroe : Yeah, Erno. It's a great name, if you happen to be the star of a vampire movie.

  Luna Schlosser : He's brilliant.

  Miles Monroe : Yeah. He couldn't be with us today. He's got to go take his handsome lesson.

• Luna Schlosser : You were screaming out different names in your sleep.

  Miles Monroe : I was having sexual nightmares.

  Luna Schlosser : Who are the A&P Gypsies?

• Miles Monroe : My God! I beat a man insensible with a strawberry!

• Miles Monroe : I'm a clarinet player in 1973, I go into the hospital for a lousy operation, I wake up 200 years later and I'm Flash Gordon!

• Miles Monroe : You're living in a Police State! Your Government is Evil!

• Miles Monroe : I like to be watched while I clone. The more the merrier, you know. Never, never - never clone alone.

• Miles Monroe : I knew it was too good to be true. I parked right near the hospital.

• Luna Schlosser : [posing as Dr. Timken's Assistant]  I believe it's going to be a - a very difficult kroning job.

  Miles Monroe : Cloning, you idiot. Not, kroning.

  Luna Schlosser : Cloning!

• Miles Monroe : [posing as Dr. Timken]  After looking at the nose, I get the feeling that what we ought to do is, perhaps, postpone the cloning.

  Bio-Central Computer 2100 Series G : Excuse me, Doctor. But, that would be a tragic mistake.

  Miles Monroe : You see, I - I think what the computer's failing to take into account is what I call the Pinocchio effect - which states that the square root of the proboscis is equal to the sum of the sinuses over seven.

• Luna Schlosser : Miles, I cannot believe! I cannot believe it. We actually did it.

  Miles Monroe : An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, and a nose for a nose. I don't know what the hell that means; but, it sounds brilliant.

• Miles Monroe : Alright, just get your part right. Don't worry about me!

  Luna Schlosser : Well, if we get screwed up, it's because of you!

  Miles Monroe : [mockingly]  "If we get screwed up it's because of you!" "If we get screwed up it's because of you!"

  Luna Schlosser : Oh, you're retarded! You know that? I'm on a mission with Retarded Man.

• Miles Monroe : [jealous]  Can he do this?

  [prances] 

  Luna Schlosser : You're an idiot.

  Miles Monroe : We're going my way.

• Miles Monroe : Are there female robots? Because the possibilities are limitless.

• Miles Monroe : I can't believe this! My doctor said I'd be up and on my feet in five days. He was off by 199 years!

• Miles Monroe : This is what I call a cosmic screwing!

• Miles Monroe : Fly, God damn it, fly! God damn cheap Japanese flying packs!

• Luna Schlosser : I went the University at a population center.

  Miles Monroe : You went to a University? It's hard to believe. For what?

  Luna Schlosser : Cosmetic Sexual Technique and Poetry.

  Miles Monroe : No kidding? They teach you sexual technique in school?

  Luna Schlosser : You have to know it in case something goes wrong with the machine.

  Miles Monroe : What do you do? Switch to manual?

• Luna Schlosser : You want to get into the machine now?

  Miles Monroe : No! You know, we don't need that. You know, really I'm...

  Luna Schlosser : Really, I think it'd be great if we did, Miles. I wouldn't be frigid.

  Miles Monroe : You won't be frigid with me. I, believe me, nobody ever is. I got the magic fingers. You're gonna be, you know, I swear, I cured more women in frigidity. It's my specialty! Two minutes in bed with me and you'll sell that thing for scrap iron. Really! I've got a lot of fast moves. Really, I swear.

• Miles Monroe : [while being brainwashed as a 1970s Miss America contestant]  I wish to use my title to bring peace to all nations of the world, be it black, be they white, be it colored, be it whatever.

• Miles Monroe : Who are you?

  Luna Schlosser : Who am I? I'm Luna.

  Miles Monroe : Who?

  Luna Schlosser : Luna! Don't you remember? We were outlaws. Aliens! The police captured you, I escaped. I'm with the Underground. Remember! The Western District? Miles! I'm Luna! Luna! Remember! Luna!

  Miles Monroe : Your name is not Luna, is it?

• Miles Monroe : Oh, no. No, please. Don't enter the light. Oh, cover those lights, please. Please. Don't get up. I was just passing through. Oh!

  Luna Schlosser : Erno. Erno, what's happening?

  Erno Windt : Something's gone wrong with the treatment.

  Miles Monroe : Yes, I...

  Erno Windt : His brain is locked somewhere else. He believes he's another person.

  Miles Monroe : No, no, no. I need magic.

  Luna Schlosser : Miles! Miles, Who are you, Miles?

  Miles Monroe : I'm Blanche. Blanche DuBois. It means White Woods.

  Erno Windt : He's like a sleepwalker we can't upset him or it could be fatal.

  Luna Schlosser : What are we going to do?

  Erno Windt : You've read "Streetcar Named Desire." Play along with him.

• Miles Monroe : Try not to appear nervous. Smile. - Peasants.

  Luna Schlosser : Relax. You're shaking like a leaf!

  Miles Monroe : How do you want me to shake?

  Luna Schlosser : Everything's going to be fine.

  Miles Monroe : So, how come you're shaking?

  Luna Schlosser : Because, you're making me nervous.

  Miles Monroe : Don't blame me! - Hello.

  Luna Schlosser : Would you get a grip on yourself.

• Luna Schlosser : You're jealous.

  Miles Monroe : Jealous? Are kidding, honey? With a body like mine, you don't get jealous.

• Luna Schlosser : Certainly, you don't expect me to tie myself down to one man? My love is a free gift to all the Bolshevik brothers.

  Miles Monroe : Do what you want. You're over 21. Little tramp!

  Luna Schlosser : We're *here* on business.

  Miles Monroe : Free love. I created a bohemian monster. Next thing you know, she'll want to have group sex with the robots.

• Luna Schlosser : Erno said to take the north escalator.

  Miles Monroe : I'm running this. Not Erno. We're going my way.

  Luna Schlosser : It's Erno's plan. He knows what he's talking about.

  Miles Monroe : Why does he know what he's talking about? Because he's handsome? So he knows everything?