Kolchak: The Night Stalker (1974–1975)

Darren McGavin: Carl Kolchak

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Carl Kolchak : If you want a job done right, you just have to foul it up yourself.

• Carl Kolchak : [voiceover]  Buck Finemann, seventy two years old. Cantankerous old geezer. No-one liked him much, but they allowed him to play poker with them once a week because he was a terrible card player and had been known to lose as much as seventy five cents in a single evening.

• Carl Kolchak : Son, I've seen more dead bodies than you've had TV dinners.

• Carl Kolchak : Captain Leo Winwood and I had a relationship that was long and bloody, like the Crusades, only without the chivalry.

• Carl Kolchak : I promised I'd show up with a haircut, a new hat, and pressed suit... but I lie a lot.

• [Asked why he's going to visit a ritzy interior decorator] 

  Carl Kolchak : We're thinking of brightening up the office.

  [Pointing at Updyke, then at Vincenzo] 

  Carl Kolchak : You are going to be replaced by Boston fern and you a snapdragon!

• Carl Kolchak : [about Updyke]  He's persona non grata down the library.

  Tony Vincenzo : He's what?

  Carl Kolchak : Yeah, yeah. You see, he, he takes books out. He's got half the books in the library out and they're all over due. As a matter of fact, they've got a warrant out for his arrest.

  Tony Vincenzo : Well, that's not like Ron.

  Carl Kolchak : Oh, I know. I know. I was terribly disturbed about it when I heard it. I don't know, it must be some kind of er, deep-seated illness, a compulsion of sorts, a Biblio... philiac.

• Tony Vincenzo : Your angle on the hospital dedication, Karl. How did you come up with it?

  Carl Kolchak : Oh, a little research and, er, imagination.

  Tony Vincenzo : Some angle. Two pages condemning the lack of geriatric facilities.

  [pointing to Emily] 

  Tony Vincenzo : What did you promise her this time, orthopedic glitter boots?

• Carl Kolchak : [about Updyke]  He got a raise?

  Emily Cowles : Not that I'm aware of.

  Carl Kolchak : He was promoted?

  [Emily shakes head] 

  Carl Kolchak : Then why's he so happy?

  Emily Cowles : You're in trouble.

• Carl Kolchak : You must really enjoy your work.

  Nurse Eisen : A well-done autopsy is a joy forever.

• [Told that a dead panda at the zoo died from a heart attack] 

  Carl Kolchak : A raccoon, with a heart attack... maybe you fed it too much cholesterol.

• Coach Toomey : Actually, Burdett never made the team.

  Carl Kolchak : No?

  Coach Toomey : You see, his butterfly stroke was like an effeminate moth.