Governor Lepetomane: Holy underwear! Sheriff murdered! Innocent women and children blown to bits! We have to protect our phoney baloney jobs here, gentlemen! We must do something about this immediately! Immediately! Immediately! Harrumph! Harrumph! Harrumph!

[to two members of the KKK, while pretending to capture Bart]

Jim: Oh, boys! Lookee what I got heyuh.

Bart: Hey, where are the white women at?

Jim: [consoling Bart] What did you expect? "Welcome, sonny"? "Make yourself at home"? "Marry my daughter"? You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know... morons.

[Bart returns unexpectedly after being sentenced to death]

Charlie: They said you was hung.

Bart: And they was right.

Bart: [hears a crash in the prison cells] The drunk in number two must be awake.

[walks over to the cell]

Bart: Are we awake?

Jim: We're not sure. Are we... black?

Bart: Yes, we are.

Jim: Then we're awake... but we're very puzzled.

Mexican Bandit: [a reference to THE TREASURE OF THE SIERRA MADRE] Badges...? We don't need no stinking badges!

Bart: I better go check out this Mongo character.

[Bart reaches for his gun]

Jim: Oh no, don't do that, don't do that. If you shoot him, you'll just make him mad.

Hedley Lamarr: My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.

Taggart: God darnit, Mr. Lamarr, you use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore.

Bart: Well, Jim, since you are my guest and I am your host, what's your pleasure? What do you like to do?

Jim: Oh, I don't know. Play chess... screw...

Bart: [quickly] Well, let's play chess.

Taggart: What do you want me to do, sir?

Hedley Lamarr: I want you to round up every vicious criminal and gunslinger in the west. Take this down.

[Taggart looks for a pen and paper while Hedley talks]

Hedley Lamarr: I want rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists.

Taggart: [finding pen and paper] Could you repeat that, sir?

Lili Von Shtupp: Would you like another schnitzengruben?

Bart: No, thank you. Fifteen is my limit on schnitzengruben.

Lili Von Shtupp: Well, then how about a little...

[whispers in his ear]

Bart: Baby, please! I am not from Havana.

Lili Von Shtupp: Will I... see you again?

Bart: Well, it all depends on how much vitamin E I can get my hands on.

[Bart, disguised as a Klansman, describes his qualifications as a villain]

Bart: Stampeding cattle.

Hedley Lamarr: That's not much of a crime.

Bart: Through the Vatican?

Hedley Lamarr: [smiling] Kinkyyyy. Sign here.

Bart: Mornin', ma'am. And isn't it a lovely mornin'?

Elderly Woman: Up yours, nigger.

Hedley Lamarr: Meeting adjourned. Oh, I am sorry, sir, I didn't mean to overstep my bounds. You say that.

Governor Lepetomane: What?

Hedley Lamarr: "Meeting is adjourned".

Governor Lepetomane: It is?

Hedley Lamarr: No, you *say* that, Governor.

Governor Lepetomane: What?

Hedley Lamarr: "Meeting is adjourned".

Governor Lepetomane: It is?

Hedley Lamarr: [sighs, then gives the governor a paddleball] Here, play around with this for awhile.

Governor Lepetomane: Thank you, Hedy.

Hedley Lamarr: No, it's Hedley!

Governor Lepetomane: It is?

Jim: Well, it got so that every piss-ant prairie punk who thought he could shoot a gun would ride into town to try out the Waco Kid. I must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille. It got pretty gritty. I started to hear the word "draw" in my sleep. Then one day, I was just walking down the street when I heard a voice behind me say, "Reach for it, mister!" I spun around... and there I was, face to face with a six-year old kid. Well, I just threw my guns down and walked away. Little bastard shot me in the ass. So I limped to the nearest saloon, crawled inside a whiskey bottle... and I've been there ever since.

Taggart: What in the wide, wide world of sports is a-goin' on here? I hired you people to get a bit of track laid, not to jump around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots!

Lili Von Shtupp: Tell me, schatze, is it twue what they say about the way you people are... gifted?

[sound of zipper opening]

Lili Von Shtupp: Oh, it's twue. It's twue. It's twue, it's twue!

Hedley Lamarr: Men, you are about to embark on a great crusade to stamp out runaway decency in the west. Now you men will only be risking your lives, whilst I will be risking an almost certain Academy Award nomination for Best Supporting Actor.

Hedley Lamarr: My mind is aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought careening through a cosmic vapor of invention.

Taggart: Ditto.

Hedley Lamarr: "Ditto?" "Ditto," you provincial putz?

Jim: Uh-oh, Bart. I think Mongo here's taken a liking to you.

Mongo: Huh-huh, naw, Mongo straight.

Bart: What's your name?

Jim: Well, my name is Jim, but most people call me... Jim.

Taggart: I got it! I know how we can run everyone out of Rock Ridge.

Hedley Lamarr: How?

Taggart: We'll kill the first born male child in every household.

Hedley Lamarr: [after some consideration] Too Jewish.

Bart: Sir, he specifically requested two "niggers". Well, to tell the family secret, my grandmother was Dutch.

[the Johnsons load their guns and point them at Bart. Bart then points his own pistol at his head]

Bart: [low voice] Hold it! Next man makes a move, the nigger gets it!

Olson Johnson: Hold it, men. He's not bluffing.

Dr. Sam Johnson: Listen to him, men. He's just crazy enough to do it!

Bart: [low voice] Drop it! Or I swear I'll blow this nigger's head all over this town!

Bart: [high-pitched voice] Oh, lo'dy, lo'd, he's desp'it! Do what he sayyyy, do what he sayyyy!

[townspeople drop their guns; Bart jams the gun into his neck and drags himself through the crowd towards the station]

Harriet Johnson: Isn't anybody going to help that poor man?

Dr. Sam Johnson: Hush, Harriet! That's a sure way to get him killed!

Bart: [high-pitched voice] Oooh! He'p me, he'p me! Somebody he'p me! He'p me! He'p me! He'p me!

Bart: [low voice] Shut up!

[Bart places his hand over his own mouth, then drags himself through the door into his office]

Bart: Ooh, baby, you are so talented!

[looks into the camera]

Bart: And they are so *dumb*!

[Lamarr's posse rides up on Bart's diversion: a single tollbooth in the middle of the desert]

Taggart: *Le Petomane Thruway*? Now what'll that asshole think of next?

[turns to the posse]

Taggart: Has anybody got a dime?

[henchmen grumble, search their pockets]

Taggart: Somebody's gotta go back and get a shit-load of dimes!

[Jim downs a bottle of whiskey in one long guzzle]

Bart: A man drink like that and he don't eat, he is going to DIE.

Jim: [eagerly] When?

Taggart: Send a wire to the main office and tell them I said...

[Bart whacks him with a shovel]

Taggart: OW!

Lyle: [writing] Send wire, main office, tell them I said "ow". Gotcha!

Bart: [on grandstand to the townspeople] Excuse me while I whip this out.

[reaches into waistline as crowd gasps and screams; Bart pulls out paper, they sigh with relief]

Mongo: Mongo only pawn... in game of life.

[recalling his gunfighting career]

Jim: I must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille.

Hedley Lamarr: Sign here.

[Bart reaches for the pen... revealing his black hands]

Jim: [quickly] Why, Rhett! How many times have I told you to wash up after weekly cross burning?

[licks his fingers, then rubs Bart's hand]

Jim: See, it's coming off.

[Taggart whips off Bart's hood]

Bart: And now, for my next impression... Jesse Owens.

[runs off]

Hedley Lamarr: Qualifications?

Applicant: Rape, murder, arson, and rape.

Hedley Lamarr: You said rape twice.

Applicant: I like rape.

[Taggart spots Bart and Charlie on a hand-cart sinking into quicksand]

Taggart: Oh, shit. Quicksand!

[lassos the hand-cart and drags it but not the men out of the quicksand]

Taggart: Dang, that was lucky. Doggone near lost a four hundred dollar handcar.

[Gabby Johnson sees the sheriff riding into town]

Gabby Johnson: Hey! The sheriff's a nig...

[clock bell chimes]

Harriet Johnson: What did he say?

Dr. Sam Johnson: He said the sheriff's near.

Gabby Johnson: No, gone blame it dang blammit! The sheriff is a nig...

[clock bell chimes again]

[Harriet Johnson reads her letter to the Governor]

Harriet Johnson: [quietly] To the honorable William J. Le Petomane, Governor...

Townspeople: Louder! We can't hear you!

Harriet Johnson: I'm not used to public speaking.

[clears her throat]

Harriet Johnson: WE

[everyone jumps in shock]

Harriet Johnson: THE WHITE, GODFEARING CITIZENS OF ROCK RIDGE wish to express our extreme displeasure with your choice of sheriff. Please remove him immediately! The fact that you have sent him here just goes to prove that you are the leading asshole in the state!

Rev. Johnson: Now I don't have to tell you good folks what's been happening in our beloved little town. Sheriff murdered, crops burned, stores looted, people stampeded, and cattle raped. The time has come to act, and act fast. I'm leaving.

Buddy Bizarre: What in the hell do you think you're doing here? This is a closed set!

Taggart: Piss on you! I'm working for Mel Brooks!

[winds up to punch Buddy]

Buddy Bizarre: Not in the face!

[Taggart punches Buddy in the stomach]

Buddy Bizarre: [collapsing] Thank you...

Jim: Look at my hand.

[raises hand and holds it level]

Bart: Steady as a rock.

Jim: [raises his other hand, which is violently trembling] Yeah, but I shoot with this one.

Hedley Lamarr: [to himself] A sheriff! But law and order is the last thing I want. Wait a minute... maybe I could turn this thing into my advantage. If I could find a sheriff who so offends the citizens of Rock Ridge that his very appearance would drive them out of town.

[looks into the camera]

Hedley Lamarr: But where would I find such a man?


Hedley Lamarr: Why am I asking you?

Lili Von Shtupp: Hello, handsome, is that a ten-gallon hat or are you just enjoying the show?

Lili Von Shtupp: Hello, cowboy. What's your name?

Tex: Tex, ma'am!

Lili Von Shtupp: "Texmam"? Tell me, Texmam, are you in show business?

Tex: Well, no...

Lili Von Shtupp: Then why don't you get your fwiggin' feet off the stage?

[the Governor is having trouble putting his pen back into its holder]

Hedley Lamarr: Think of your secretary...

[the pen goes straight in]

Governor Lepetomane: Thank you. That's a good one.

Governor Lepetomane: [pointing to a member of his cabinet] I didn't get a "harrumph" out of that guy!

Hedley Lamarr: Give the Governor harrumph!

Politician: Harrumph!

Governor Lepetomane: You watch your ass.

Hedley Lamarr: If you will just sign this, Governor. Right here.

Governor Lepetomane: Yes, yes. What the hell is it?

Hedley Lamarr: Well, under the provisions of this bill, we would snatch two hundred thousand acres of Indian land, which we have deemed unsuitable for their use at this time. They're such children.

Governor Lepetomane: Two hundred thousand acres? Two hundred thousand acres? What'll it cost, man, what'll it cost?

Hedley Lamarr: [brings out a carton of paddleballs] A box of these.

Governor Lepetomane: Are you crazy? They'll never go for it. And then again they might. Those little red devils... they love toys!

Mongo: Mongo no go. Mongo stay with Sheriff Bart. Sheriff Bart first man ever whip Mongo. Mongo impressed. Have deep feelings for Sheriff Bart.

Taggart: I got it! I got it!

Hedley Lamarr: You do?

Taggart: We'll work up a Number 6 on 'em.

Hedley Lamarr: [frowns] "Number 6"? I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that one.

Taggart: Well, that's where we go a-ridin' into town, a-whompin' and a-whumpin' every livin' thing that moves within an inch of its life. Except the women folks, of course.

Hedley Lamarr: You spare the women?

Taggart: Naw, we rape the shit out of them at the Number Six Dance later on.

Hedley Lamarr: Marvelous!

Hedley Lamarr: Repeat after me: I...

Men: I...

Hedley Lamarr: ...your name...

Men: ...your name...

Hedley Lamarr: [to himself] Shmucks.

[continues aloud]

Hedley Lamarr: ...pledge allegiance...

Men: ...pledge allegiance...

Hedley Lamarr: Hedley Lamarr...

Men: Hedy Lamarr...

Hedley Lamarr: That's *Hedley*!

Men: That's Hedley!

Hedley Lamarr: ...and to the evil...

Men: ...and to the evil...

Hedley Lamarr: ...for which he stands.

Men: ...for which he stands.

Hedley Lamarr: Now go do... that voodoo... that *you* do... *so well*...!

[men shoot at the sky in joy and ride off]

Bart: Mongo was easy. The bitch was inventing the candy-gram. Probably won't even give me credit for it.

[a knock at the window; Bart gets up and sees the same woman who insulted him earlier]

Elderly Woman: Good evening, Sheriff. Sorry about the "Up yours, nigger". I hope this apple pie will in some small way say thank you for your ingenuity and courage in defeating that horrible Mongo.

Bart: Well, uh... thank you, much obliged. Good night.

[Bart closes the window and smells the pie... but returns to the window when he hears another knock]

Elderly Woman: Of course, you'll have the good taste not to mention that I spoke to you.

Bart: Of course.

Elderly Woman: Thank you.

Governor Lepetomane: Thank you, Hedy, thank you

Hedley Lamarr: It's not *Hedy*, it's *Hedley*. Hedley Lamarr.

Governor Lepetomane: What the hell are you worried about? This is 1874. You'll be able to sue *her*.

Gabby Johnson: I wash born here, an I wash raished here, and dad gum it, I am gonna die here, an no sidewindin' bushwackin', hornswagglin' cracker croaker is gonna rouin me bishen cutter.

Bart: I'm rapidly becoming a big underground success in this town.

Jim: See? In another twenty-five years, you'll be able to shake their hands in broad daylight.

[last lines]

Jim: [who still has his popcorn and soda from the Chinese Theater] Where you headed, cowboy?

Bart: Nowhere special.

Jim: Nowhere special? I always wanted to go there.

Bart: Come on.

[Jim mounts up and they ride off into the sunset... in a limousine!]

[while Mongo is beating the hell out of a bar full of toughs, Bart walks in, dressed as a messenger boy and carrying a box]

Bart: Candygram for Mongo! Candygram for Mongo!

Mongo: Me Mongo.

Bart: Sign, please.

[Mongo grabs the paper and makes some rough scratches on it]

Bart: Thank you.

[he gives Mongo the box and walks out of the bar, putting his fingers in his ears]

Mongo: Mongo like candy.

[he opens the box - boom!]

Taggart: The surveyors say they may have run into some quicksand up ahead. Better check it out.

Lyle: Okay, I'll send down a team of horses to check out the ground.

Taggart: *Horses*?

[hits Lyle's head]

Taggart: We can't afford to lose any horses, you dummy! Send over a couple of niggers.

Lili Von Shtupp: [singing] I've been with thousands of men/again and again/they promise the moon/they're always coming and going and going and coming... and always too soon.

Lili Von Shtupp: [spoken] Right, girls?

Hedley Lamarr: Qualifications?

Gum Chewer: [chewing gum] Murder... armed robbery... mayhem...

Hedley Lamarr: Wait a moment. What have you got in your mouth?

Gum Chewer: [stops chewing] Nuff'm.

Hedley Lamarr: "Nuff'm", eh? Lyle!

Lyle: [searches the man's mouth] Gum!

Hedley Lamarr: Chewing gum on line, eh? I hope you brought enough for everybody.

Gum Chewer: [panicked] I didn't know there was going to be so many!

[Hedley shoots the gum chewer]

Jim: [hidden behind a rock] Boy, is he strict!

Howard Johnson: [reading] As honorary chairman of the welcoming committee, it's my privilege to present a Laurel and Hardy handshake to our new...

[looks up and sees Bart]

Howard Johnson: ...nigger.

Olson Johnson: All right... we'll give some land to the niggers and the chinks. But we don't want the Irish!

[everyone complains]

Olson Johnson: Aw, prairie shit... Everybody!

[everyone rejoices]

Olson Johnson: [after Gabby Johnson's speech] Now who can argue with that? I think we're all indebted to Gabby Johnson for clearly stating what needed to be said. I'm particulary glad that these lovely children were here today to hear that speech. Not only was it authentic frontier gibberish, it expressed a courage little seen in this day and age.

[townspeople murmur and nod in approval]

Olson Johnson: What are we made of? Our fathers came across the prairies, fought Indians, fought drought, fought locusts, fought Dix... remember when Richard Dix came in here and tried to take over this town? Well, we didn't give up then, and by gum, we're not going to give up now!

Buddy's Singers: [singing] Throw up your hands/Stick out your tush/Hands on your hips/Give 'em a push/You'll be surprised, you're doing the French Mistake/Voila!

Man in Commissary Playing Hitler: They lose me right after the bunker scene.

Taggart: Now what the hell do you think you're doin' with that tin star, boy?

Bart: Watch that "boy" shit, redneck. You talkin' to the sheriff of Rock Ridge.

Taggart: Well, now if that don't beat all. Here we take the good time and trouble to slaughter every last Indian in the West, and for what? So they can appoint a sheriff that's blacker'n any Indian! I am depressed.

Lyle: Excuse me, Mr. Taggart, sir, but I sure do hate to see you like this. What if me and the boys was to shoot that nigger dead? Would that pep you up some?

Taggart: That might help.

Lyle: All right, boys! On the count of three!

Jim: I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Lyle: Don't pay no attention to that alkie. He can't even hold a gun, much less shoot it.

[Jim blows on his fingertips]

Lyle: Like I said, on the count of three. One... two... three!

[Jim draws. The cowboys' guns are suddenly shot of their hands in quick succession. Cut back to Jim, his arms folded, smoke pouring from his holsters]

Bart: Well, don't just sit there lookin' stupid, graspin' your hands in pain. How 'bout a little...

[he draws his own gun]

Bart: ... applause for the Waco Kid?

[dumbfounded, Taggart and his men start clapping]

Hedley Lamarr: Gentlemen, please rest your sphincters.

Bart: [watching Mongo's rampage] I don't know what it is.

[Van Johnson bursts into the office]

Van Johnson: Sheriff! Mongo's back! He's...

[realizes Bart is on the opposite side of the room, and turns around]

Van Johnson: Sheriff! Mongo's back! He's breaking up the whole town! You've got to help us, please!

Bart: Did you hear that? Now it's "please". This morning, I couldn't get the time of day. Who is this Mongo, anyway?

Jim: Well, Mongo ain't exactly a "who". He's more of a "what".

Van Johnson: What he said.

Bart: Well, now, I don't know...

Van Johnson: Oh, thank you, Sheriff! Oh, thank you very much! Thank you!

[runs to the door and flings it open]

Van Johnson: [shouting] The fool's going to... I mean, the sheriff's going to do it!

Rev. Johnson: Order, order. Goddamnit, I said "order".

Howard Johnson: [smugly] Y'know, Nietzsche says: "Out of chaos comes order."

Olson Johnson: Oh, blow it out your ass, Howard.

Church Congregation: [singing] Now is a time of great decision / Are we to stay or up and quit? / There's no avoiding this conclusion / Our town is turning into

[organist misses a note, which deletes the obscenity]

Church Congregation: .

Lili Von Shtupp: [singing] Here I stand, the goddess of desire / Set men on fire / I have this power. / Morning, noon, and night, it's dwink and dancing / Some quick womancing / And then a shower. / Stage door Johnnies constantly suwwound me / They always hound me, with one wequest. / Who can satisfy their lustful habits? / I'm not a wabbit. / I need some we...

[Takes a breath]

Lili Von Shtupp: ... est.

Taggart: [shouting] We'll head them off at the pass!

Hedley Lamarr: Head them off at the pass? I hate that cliché!

[shoots his foot]

[repeated line]

Lili Von Shtupp: Willkommen. Bienvenue. Welcome. C'mon in.

Dancer: They hit Buddy! Come on, girls!

Lyle: [railroad workers are singing "I Get A Kick Out of You"] Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! What the hell is that shit? I meant a song. A real song. something like


Lyle: Swing Low/ Sweet Chaaaariooooot

[workers look confused]

Lyle: Don't know that one, huh?

Jim: [to Bart] What's a dazzling urbanite like you doing in a rustic setting like this?

Hedley Lamarr: Wait a minute... there might be legal precedent. Of course! Land-snatching!

[grabs a law book]

Hedley Lamarr: Land, land... "Land: see Snatch."

[flips back several pages]

Hedley Lamarr: Ah, Haley vs. United States. Haley: 7, United States: nothing. You see, it can be done!

Governor Lepetomane: What the hell is this?

Hedley Lamarr: This is the bill that will convert the state hospital for the insane into the William J. Le Petomane memorial gambling casino for the insane.

Governor Lepetomane: [standing up proudly] Gentlemen, this bill will be a giant step forward in the treatment of the insane gambler.

Bart: Just give me twenty-four hours to come up with a brilliant idea to save our town. Just twenty-four hours, that's all I ask.

Townspeople: [in unison] No!

Bart: You'd do it for Randolph Scott.

Townspeople: [reverently] Randolph Scott...

Townspeople: [singing in the fashion of a church choir] *Randolph Scott!*

Howard Johnson: All right, Sheriff. Twenty-four hours.

Hedley Lamarr: Unfortunately there is one thing standing between me and that property: the rightful owners.

Reporter: Sir, those are dummies.

Governor Lepetomane: How do you think I got elected?

Reverend Johnson: We will now read from Matthew, Mark, Luke...

[stick of dynamite sails in through window]

Reverend Johnson: ... and DUCK.

[after meeting black pioneers]

Indian Chief: [speaks Yiddish, then German, then in English] They darker than us! Woof!

Buddy Bizarre: [stomps in time to music on each word] Watch me, faggots!

[Bart is bidding farewell to the people of Rock Ridge]

Bart: Work here is done. I'm needed elsewhere now. I'm needed wherever outlaws rule the West, wherever innocent women and children are afraid to walk the streets, wherever a man cannot live in simple dignity, wherever a people cry out for justice.

Crowd: [in unison] *Bullshit!*

Bart: All right, you caught me. To speak the plain truth, it's getting pretty damn dull around here.

Scared Mexican Man: Mongo! Santa Maria!

Lyle: Now, come on, boys! Where's your spirit? I don't hear no singin'. When you was slaves, you sang like birds. Go on, how 'bout a good ol' nigger work song?

Townsman: [being dragged through the street] Well, that's the end of this suit.

Hedley Lamarr: As per your instructions, I'd like you to meet the new sheriff of Rock Ridge.

Governor Lepetomane: I'd be delighted.

[extends his hand, then yanks it away on seeing Bart]

Governor Lepetomane: Wow!

[whistles, then drops his voice]

Governor Lepetomane: I gotta talk to you. Come here.

[grabs Bart and pulls him aside]

Governor Lepetomane: Have you gone berserk? Can't you see that man is a ni...

[turns and sees Bart]

Governor Lepetomane: Ha ha... wrong person. Forgive me. No offense intended.

[walks Bart back, then pulls Hedley aside]

Governor Lepetomane: Have you gone berserk? Can't you see that man is a ni?

Buddy Bizarre: [yells into the ear of an actor] *Wrong!*

[hits the actor in the head]

Buddy Bizarre: Watch me! It's so simple! Give me the playback! Watch me, faggots!

Buddy Bizarre: [after the rehersal] Everybody got that?

[the actors answer with a heavily lisping "yethhhh"]

Buddy Bizarre: Sounds like steam escaping.

Charlie: [as their handcart begins to sink] Bart?

Bart: Yeah?

Charlie: Am I wrong? Or is the world... rising?

Bart: I don't know. But whatever it is, I hate it.

[men slowly sink down offscreen]

Bart: Hey, Charlie? Let me ask you something: what is it that's not exactly water and it ain't exactly earth?

CharlieBart: Quicksand!

Bart: Well, can't you see that's the last act of a desperate man?

Howard Johnson: We don't care if it's the first act of "Henry V," we're leaving!

Hedley Lamarr: [to Lili Von Stupp] Shut up, you Teutonic twat!

[as the townspeople point guns at Bart, the newly arrived sheriff]

Rev. Johnson: Gentlemen, gentlemen, allow not hatred to rule the day.

[holds up his Bible]

Rev. Johnson: As your spiritual leader, I implore you to pay heed to this good book and what it has to say!

[townspeople shoot the Bible, blowing it apart]

Rev. Johnson: [to Bart] Son, you're on your own.

Hedley Lamarr: Lili. Lili, Lili, Lili, legs, Lili, Lili... I cannot finds the words to truly express my joy at the rekindling of our association.

Lili Von Shtupp: Bullshit. What's the job?

Hedley Lamarr: I love it when you talk dirty.

Elderly Woman: [looks to camera as she is beaten by two thugs] Have you ever seen such cruelty?

Rev. Johnson: [praying] O Lord, do we have the strength to carry off this mighty task in one night? Or are we just jerking off?

Townspeople: Amen.

Hedley Lamarr: [gives her a bunch of flowers] For you, my dear.

Lili Von Shtupp: Oh... how ordinawy.

[throws away flowers]

[Hedley arrives at Grauman's Chinese Theater]

Tourist Mother: [to her husband] Look, Irv. I'm in Hedy Lamarr's shoes.

Hedley Lamarr: [correcting her as he runs past them] HEDLEY.

Hedley Lamarr: Alright, I'm through being Mr. Goodbar, the time has come to act and act quickly.

Hedley Lamarr: [hurrying through the movie theater, he stops at the concession stand] Raisinettes!

Bart: [Bart dresses himself as a carnival barker and stands beside a wishing-well] ... Step right up, ladies and gentlemen and... Mongos! Dive, dive, dive for buried treasure! This is the exact spot where the Spanish Armada was sunk by the British Navy, leaving millions and millions of Spanish Dubloons at the bottom of the sea!

[Remember, they're in the middle of the desert, on America's Western Frontier!]

Mongo: Spanish balloons? Mongo take chance...!

[and, after suiting up]

Mongo: ... How Mongo get air?

Bart: From this wonderful antique pump. Good hunting!

[and, once Mongo climbs to the bottom of the well]

Bart: ... Time for my lunch break.

[He lowers a sign to Mongo which reads "For more air, deposit $.25"]

Hedley Lamarr: [dying words, while looking down at Douglas Fairbanks' panel in the Grauman Chinese Theater forecourt] How did he do such fantastic stunts with such little feet?

Lili Von Shtupp: A wed wose. How womantic.

Lyle: [after the farting] How 'bout some more beans, Mr. Taggart?

Taggart: [fans his hat in the air] I'd say you've had enough!

Hedley Lamarr: [speaking to Boris out the window] Well, do your best.

[hits his head on the window sill]

Hedley Lamarr: Ahh!

Governor Lepetomane: We've gotta protect our phoney baloney jobs, gentlemen!

Townspeople: The town saloon was always lively / But never nasty or obscene / Behind the bar stood Anal Johnson / He always kept things nice and clean

[Anal Johnson is standing behind the bar washing a beer mug; he spits into the mug, belches, and continues to wipe the mug]

Hedley Lamarr: Where's my froggy?

Bart: Well, raise my rent. You *are* The Kid.

Singer: "Blazing Saddles": He conquered fear, and he conquered hate, / He turned dark night into day, / He made his blazing saddle / A torch to light the way...

Lili Von Shtupp: Vhy don't you admit it? He's too much of man for you. I know. You're going to need an army to beat him! You're finished. Fertig! Verfallen! Verlumpt! Verblunget! Verkackt!

Hedley Lamarr: Yes, of course. It'll work.

Taggart: What'll work?

Hedley Lamarr: Elementary, cactus head.

Bart: Checkmate.

Jim: What?

Bart: Checkmate.

Jim: Why, you devious son of a bitch.

[picking up his whiskey bottle]

Jim: Happy days.

Olson Johnson: [in the bar discussing Pasteur's possible cure] Never mind that shit! Here comes Mongo!

Hedley Lamarr: [at the theater, cuts in front of a nun] You dropped your beads.

[heads to the cashier]

Hedley Lamarr: One, please. Uhh... student?

Cashier: Are you kidding?

Hedley Lamarr: [grumbling as he takes his ticket] Pain in the ass!

Bart: Hey, maybe you should eat somethin' first.

Jim: No thanks, food makes me sick.

Lili Von Shtupp: Why don't you... loosen your bullets?

Bart: Maybe you know why a high-roller like Hedley Lamarr is interested in Rock Ridge.

Mongo: Don't know. Got to do with where choo-choo go.

Bart: Mongo, why would Hedley Lamarr care about where the choo-choo goes?

Mongo: Don't know. Mongo only pawn in game of life.

[first lines]

Lyle: Come on, boys! The way you're lollygaggin' around here with them picks and them shovels, you'd think it was a hundert an' twenty degree. Can't be more than a hundert an' fourteen.

Lili Von Shtupp: Let's face it. Evewything below the waist... is kaput!

[Jim the Waco Kid has just shot the guns out of the hands of a dozen henchmen]

Bart: Well, don't just stand there looking stupid, grasping your hands in pain. How about a round of applause for The Waco Kid?

Jim: I'd better sit up.

[struggles to straighten himself]

Bart: Need any help?

Jim: Oh... all I can get.

Buddy Bizarre: Action! Oh, wait till I get out! Wait till I get out!

Jim: [Bart comes in after spending the night with Lili Von Stupp] Oh deary dear. Look what the cat dragged in.

[after Taggart comes crashing through the commissary with food splattered all over him]

Cashier: Yankee bean soup, coleslaw, and tuna surprise.

[rings up register]

Boris: Oh... Not to worry. All are equal in my eye.

Singer: "Blazing Saddles": [singing] He rode a blazing saddle. / He wore a shining star. / His job to offer battle / To bad men near and far.

Singer: "Blazing Saddles": He conquered fear and he conquered hate. / He turned our night into day. / He made his blazing saddle / A torch to light the way.

Singer: "Blazing Saddles": When outlaws ruled the West / And fear filled the land / A cry went up for a man with guts / To take the West in hand.

Singer: "Blazing Saddles": They needed a man who was brave and true / With justice for all as his aim. / Then out of the sun rode a man with a gun / And Bart was his name, yes Bart was his name.

Singer: "Blazing Saddles": He rode a blazing saddle. / He wore a shining star. / His job to offer battle / To bad men near and far.

Singer: "Blazing Saddles": He conquered fear and he conquered hate. / He turned our night into day. / He made his blazing saddle / A torch to light the way.

Bart: [Mongo walks down the street past a mannequin-like, penny-arcade-style "gunslinger" - Bart's voice is distorted and seems to be coming from the penny-arcade machine] I'm the marshal in this here town, and you're nothin' but a big fat ferret.

[Mongo starts to pull his gun on the offending "marshal"]

Bart: Hold it! If you wanna draw on me, put a quarter in the machine.

[Mongo deposits a quarter in the appropriate slot]

Bart: Ready? Now draw on the count of three. One, two...

[Mongo is about to draw when the "marshal" falls away to reveal a cannon, which blasts Mongo in the face - we can now see that Bart has been throwing his voice with a bullhorn]

Bart: ... Three.

Bart: Now, I suppose you're all wondering just what in the heck you're doing out here in the middle of a prairie in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night.

Crowd: You bet your

[horse neighs, which deletes the obscenity]

Crowd: !

Bart: I'm hip.

Rev. Johnson: Gentlemen, let us not allow anger to rule the day! As your spiritual leader, I implore you to pay heed to this good book and what it has to say!

[a towns-person shoots a hole in Rev. Johnson's Bible]

Rev. Johnson: Son, you're on your own!

Gabby Johnson: Reverend!

Howard Johnson: Think of it, gentlemen. Hoof and mouth disease a thing of the past.

Olson Johnson: Never mind that shit! Here comes Mongo!