Norm Macdonald: Who are safer drivers? Men or women? Well, according to a new survey, 55% of adults feel that women are most responsible for minor fenderbenders, while 78% blame men for most fatal crashes. Please note that the percentages in these pie graphs do not add up to 100% because the math was done by a woman.
[audience laughs or hisses]
Norm Macdonald: For those of you hissing at that joke, it should be uh noted that that joke was written by a woman. So, now you don't know what the hell to do, do ya? Nah, I'm just kidding. We don't hire women.
George W. Bush: I'm gonna be around for a long time. On the job, making the tough decisions 24/7. That's 24 hours a week, 7 months a year.
Church Lady: [interviewing Anne Heche] So, Anne; you call yourself "bisexual". I guess that means that when you reach your little hand down the front of someone's pants, you're happy with whate-e-ver you find.
George H.W. Bush: [talking about George W. Bush] You always were a little bit slow. The doctors call it dyslexia. But when you were younger we just called it retardation...
["Weekend Update" opening line]
Chevy Chase: Good evening. I'm Chevy Chase, and you're not.
Host: Good evening. I'm Lawrence Flyshacker, and welcome to, "The Real Story." Tonight we continue our series on the U.S. Presidents. You know history often whitewashes itself? For example, for years it was thought that Thomas Jefferson was a man, and that his wife slept around... whereas we now know the opposite to be true. Tonight we'll go behind another of history's myths to learn, "The Real Story."
Abraham Lincoln: [Lincoln enters Ford's Theatre box, loudly and apparently drunk] Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me! Excuse me. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh.
[plops into his seat]
Abraham Lincoln: Sorry I'm late, guys, but I was freeing some Negroes! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
General: That's perfectly all right, Mr. President.
Abraham Lincoln: [Throwing his arm around his wife's shoulders] Hey, hey, hey, is this a First Lady or WHAT, huh? I just hope I'm her first man!
Mary Lincoln: Abraham, please, the play!
Abraham Lincoln: Oh, I've seen it five times, Mary...
Theatre patron: Yeah, well, some of US haven't!
Abraham Lincoln: [stands up and jeers him] Oh, well, hey, pardon me, pal, huh? What am I, just the President of the United STATES!
Abraham Lincoln: [loudly eating a candy bar; audience shushes him] SORRY! Oh, hey, I love this part! I love this. Watch this. Listen to how she tells this jerk off. Watch this.
Abraham Lincoln: [calls toward the stage] Hey, hey! You tell him, honey! YEAH! WHOOOOO!
[sits back down]
Abraham Lincoln: Some people, they just don't know how to enjoy theatre.
Theatre patron: Hey, quiet down, will ya?
Abraham Lincoln: [stands up] Hey, stick it here, pal!
[knocks drink and popcorn off balcony]
Abraham Lincoln: Whoa!
Theatre patron: Watch it!
Abraham Lincoln: Hey, I'm sorry, pal! Look, send me your cleaning bill! To my GETTYSBURG ADDRESS! Ah, ha ha ha ha!
General: Mr. President, Mr. President, I understand that the young woman taking the role of Sarah tonight is the talk of Washington.
Abraham Lincoln: Oh, yeah?
[looks through opera glasses]
Abraham Lincoln: WHOA, YEAH! Hey, I thought mine eyes had seen the glory, but get a load of that babe!
[stands up and waves toward stage]
Abraham Lincoln: Hey, hey, hey, angelpuss! Whooo, whoo, whoo! Up here, huh?
Theatre patron: [Confederate accent] Will you shut up, suh?
Abraham Lincoln: [stands up] Hey, hey, you gonna do something about it?
Theatre patron: I may, suh!
Abraham Lincoln: Yeah, you and what Confederate Army, cracker-barrel?
Theatre patron: I warned you, suh!
Abraham Lincoln: [losing temper] Yeah, well, why don't you come up here and do somethin'? What, what are you gonna do, shoot me, pal, huh?
Host: And the rest is history. Please join us next week on "The Real Story" for "Hiroshima: Insurance Fraud of the Century".
Joe Piscopo: Good evening. I'm Joe Piscopo. This year marks the 20th anniversary of the death of President John F. Kennedy. We've brought together these three people to share with us their members of the day they learned that President Kennedy had been shot. Jim, let's start with you. What were you doing when you heard President Kennedy had been shot?
James Belushi: Well, I was in college and I was walking across the quad to call and this guy runs up and says 'President Kennedy has been shot', so I...
Joe Piscopo: Wait; how old are you?
James Belushi: I'm 26. So anyway, I went looking for a TV and...
Joe Piscopo: Wait a minute. You're telling us you were in college at age 6?
James Belushi: No, I was 19. Anyway...
Joe Piscopo: Wait a minute! You didn't know President Kennedy had been shot until eight years ago?
James Belushi: Well, hey now; you know, I was busy with school and girls and playing sports and stuff and I really wasn't into current events.
Joe Piscopo: I can't believe this. Mary, when did you find out President Kennedy had been shot?
Mary Gross: Well, Joe, in light of what just happened, I'm ashamed to admit that Jim told me right before the show started.
James Belushi: [chuckling] What a dork, eh Joe?
Joe Piscopo: I can't believe this! This was one of the most important events of the 20th century and you people are totally clueless!
Tim Kazurinsky: [shocked] Wait a minute! President Kennedy is dead? How? When?
Joe Piscopo: Yes! My God, He was shot in Dallas!
Tim Kazurinsky: Oh, no! No! Please, No!
[begins crying uncontrollably and hanging onto the other guests]
Tim Kazurinsky: President Kennedy is dead!
Joe Piscopo: [shaking his head] This is Joe Piscopo; good night.
Kevin Nealon: In health news, scientists have announced the invention of a women's condom. The condom works by fitting snugly over a woman's wine glass.
Norm Macdonald: Actor Christian Slater was let out of prison for one night to attend the premiere of his new movie Hard Rain. Fifteen minutes into the film, Mr. Slater asked to be escorted back to prison.
Jimmy Fallon: Folks, we got our intern Sanji joining us. Now Sanji loved your movie. What do you think, Sanji?
[In Indian accent]
Jimmy Fallon: Ra da da da da da da da da da. Oh my God, I loved New York Minute. I love it, my favorite movie.
Ashley Olsen: Thank you, Sanji.
Jimmy Fallon: [as Radio DJ] No wait a minute. Sanji, you actually liked the movie?
Jimmy Fallon: Oh yes. New York Minute, a very good movie. Ra da da da da da da da.
[In black accent]
Jimmy Fallon: Yo, Sanji, hold up.
[In regular voice]
Jimmy Fallon: Uh oh, Tyrone Washington, our weather guy is just joining us.
Jimmy Fallon: Yo, Sanji, the only reason why your Arab ass liked that movie is because it was set in New York and it was a bomb.
Jimmy Fallon: Now Tyrone, come on man, that was below the line.
Jimmy Fallon: You son of a bitch, I am not an Arab. I told you this many times.
Jimmy Fallon: Oh yeah then why do you got a turbin on your head?
Jimmy Fallon: I told you I am a sheik. Why do you wear that Mets jersey? You play for the freaking Mets?
[as another man]
Jimmy Fallon: I think Sanji's gonna blow up the place, y'all.
Jimmy Fallon: I will kill you!
Jimmy Fallon: I don't know what to do. Ra da da da da da da.
Jimmy Fallon: Hey guys, guys, guys. Calm down. Calm down.
Amy Poehler: [On Weekend Update] USA Today reports that Britney Spears may once again be pregnant. Britney, Kevin; on behalf of all of the people on earth, stop repopulating! Brad and Angelina, Okay; but Britney and Kevin, please stop; now.
Julia Child: Welcome. I'm Julia Child. Today, we're going to make a holiday feast, and we're going to start with a half-boned chicken, a fine, fat roasting chicken. Now, first, remove the giblets - and you really should save the giblets. They make a fine stock for soup. Or you can save the liver and fry it up with some onions for a little snack; or if you have a number of livers, you can make a lovely liver pate, or a delicious liverwurst which you can spread on a cracker - a Ritz cracker, a Saltine... or rye bread, or pumpernickel bread... or if you're celebrating the Jewish holidays, you can make a chopped liver and shape it into the bust of a friend... if someone's getting married or bar-mitzvahed... am I saying that right? Bar-mitzvahed? Or, if you have a little cat or a dog, they love liver. Save the liver! Don't throw it away! I hope I've made my point. Don't throw the liver away. Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Anyway, it's time to bone the chicken. Now, for this, you need a very sharp knife. You can't do nothing without a sharp knife!
[She holds chicken and cuts along it with a sharp knife]
Julia Child: Now, you place the chicken on its stomach, and cut along the backbone to the pug nose like so...
[She suddenly drops the knife ]
Julia Child: Crap! Oh! Oh, now I've done it - I've cut the dickens out of my finger. Well, I'm glad, in a way, this has happened...
[Blood squirts out of her hand onto the chicken]
Julia Child: We have never really discussed what to do. First, we must stop the bleeding.
[She holds her apron over her hand]
Julia Child: The best way is to put pressure on the apron, like so...
[Blood keeps sqirting all over the kitchen]
Julia Child: Now, you want to raise your hand above your head so the blood doesn't pump all the way up.
[Blood continues to squirt, going everywhere]
Julia Child: Well, the apron doesn't seem to be working, so I recommend natural coagulants, such as chicken liver...
[picks up the chicken liver]
Julia Child: Remember not to throw away the liver!
[Blood gushes over the chicken liver]
Julia Child: Oh, God, it's throbbing! Well, a tourniquet can be made, using a chicken bone...
[She wraps a towel and a chicken bone around her hand]
Julia Child: Find a pressure point between the heart and the wound - in this case, the wrist - and cut off the blood. This is a last resort, however, because you could lose your hand if you tighten it too much!
[the blood keeps on squirting. She starts to get a little woozy]
Julia Child: If you're too woozy to tie the tourniquet, you might call Emergency Help - there's not much time left...
[She hobbles towards the phone on back wall and picks it up]
Julia Child: Now, every kitchen phone should have the Emergency number written on it somewhere...
[She looks at her phone ]
Julia Child: This one doesn't! 9-1-1!
[She tries to dial the number, but can't]
Julia Child: Oh, this phone is a prop, it doesn't work!
[She drops the phone, becoming increasingly woozy]
Julia Child: That's a shame, because I'm remembering a time when I was a little girl and I... had a dog named Admiral... and I used to give him liver... and my mother gave me a doll...
[She starts tipping from side to side and stares blankly at the audience]
Julia Child: Why are you all spinning? Uh... I think I'm going to go to sleep now... bon appetit...
[She falls headfirst onto the counter on top of the chicken, but manages to jump up one last time]
Julia Child: Save the liver!
[She falls back onto the counter and twitches before dying]
Marty Culp: Bobbi and I once faced the terrors of tripping on pot.
Stuart Smalley: ...because I'm good enough, smart enough, and - doggone it - people like me!
Norm Macdonald: [on Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett's divorce] Julia Roberts said that the turning point in their marriage was when she realized that she was Julia Roberts and that she was married to Lyle Lovett.
Harry Caray: Hey, if you were a hot dog, and you were starving, would you eat yourself?
Colin Quinn: I don't know.
Harry Caray: Don't jerk me around, Norm, it's a simple question. A baby could answer it. If you were a hot dog, and you were starving, would you eat yourself?
Colin Quinn: I guess so.
Harry Caray: Oh, you made a wise choice, my friend.
Danny DeVito: Lighten up, Church Lady. You act like you haven't had your ticket punched since Ike carried his own golf clubs.
Norm Macdonald: The Rolling Stones reunited for a twenty-fifth anniversary tour last week. Keith Richards said that he's happy to continue to do what he's been doing for the past twenty-five years: cheating death.
Langford T. Belmont: So when it comes time to fix that refrigerator magnet or put together a little house of popsicle sticks, you don't want some cheap synthetic glue. You want pure mutilated horse paste.
[on "Weekend Update", the FBI's sketch of the Unabomber is shown]
Norm Macdonald: Earlier this week, the FBI released this sketch of the Unabomber. Shortly afterward, a warrant was issued for the arrest of "Weird Al" Yankovic.
Mister Robinson: Do you know what these are, boys and girls? These are drums. Do you know where drums come from? They come from Africa.
[Sits down, begins playing and singing]
Mister Robinson: It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight...
Mister Robinson: This is how you answer a phone in my neighborhood. WHAT IS IT? LOUD? NAH, THAT AIN'T LOUD; THIS IS LOUD!
[Blows a whistle into the phone, sits down and begins playing the drums again]
Mr. T.: [Beating on the door] Robinson! Robinson! I told you to stop beatin' them drums!
Mister Robinson: That's my new neighbor, boys and girls. But, don't worry, I put a new lock on the door. He can't get in hear.
[Starts playing the drums again]
Mr. T.: [Kicks in door, walks in and grabs Mr. Robinson by the neck] Hello, boys and girls; the word for today, 'pain'.
[to Mr. Robinson]
Mr. T.: Sing the song.
Mister Robinson: [singing] A very happy tomorrow to you.
Mr. T.: [choking Robinson] Good night, boys and girls.
["Weekend Update" opening]
Norm MacDonald: Good evening, this is the fake news.
Tina Fey: In other news, Courtney Love took out a restraining order against an alleged stalker this week. Courtney, please, I know we can work it out if you'll give me a chance, please.
[blows a kiss]
Medical Reporter: [singing] Everybody doesn't like something; but nobody doesn't like... orgasms. For years it was thought that there was only one type of orgasm; however, thanks to research and our new found friend Mr. G-Spot, scientists have been able to identify several different types of orgasms. For example, people who have sex in sports cars experience Four-on-the-Floorgasms. Women who have sex with a few good men have Marine Corpsgasms; while Lou Grant experienced Mary Tyler Mooregasms. Mrs. Abraham Lincoln often had Four Scoregasms. Newlyweds often have Lets-do-it-'til-we're soregasms, while married couples later have I've-got-mine-you-get-yourgasms. Incidentally, women who are still having trouble reaching orgasm should call this man.
Medical Reporter: His name is Tim Kazurinsky and he is available at any time to help you with this problem.
Brad Hall: Wait a minute. This is the worst thing you have ever done. Go, just leave.
Tyrone Green: Dark and lonely on a summer's night. Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord. Watchdog barking. Do he bite? Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord. Slip in his window. Break his neck. Then his house I start to wreck. Got no reason. What the heck? Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord. C-I-L my land lord!
Dan Aykroyd: I'm Station Manager Dan Aykroyd. During the past few weeks in Los Angeles, actor Lee Marvin and his former live-in companion Michelle Triola Marvin have been in court to settle her claim that he owes her half his income from the six years they lived together. That is the subject of tonight's Point Counterpoint. Jane will take the Pro-Michelle Triola Point, while I take the Anti-Michelle-Triola Counterpoint.
Jane Curtin: Dan, times change, and so does the nature of relationships. People are reluctant to get married these days, and looking at divorce statistics, who can blame them? But the lack of a sheet of paper does not mean the lack of a total committment. A woman in this modern-day relationship may well give up all her own personal pursuits; as Michelle Marvin claims she did; to give her full support to her man's career. And Michelle Marvin is just asking that the courts recognize that reality. Dan, there's an old saying: Behind every successful man, there's a woman. A loving, caring, giving, woman. But you wouldn't know anything about that, Dan, because there's no old saying about what's behind a miserable failure.
Dan Aykroyd: Jane, you ignorant slut. Bagged-out, dried up slunk meat like you and Michelle Triola know the rules: if you want a contract, sign on the dotted line. Oh, but let's all shed a tear for poor Michelle Triola. There was only testimony that she had had sexual intercourse over forty times with another man while living with actor Lee Marvin. But I suppose that sort of fashionable promiscuity means nothing to someone like you, Jane, who hops from bed to bed with the frequency of a cheap Ham Radio. But Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and Michelle Triola, like a screeching, squealing, rapacious swamp sow, is after actor Lee Marvin's last three million dollars. I guess what you and Michelle Triola are saying is, while you're on your backs, the meter's running. Well, please spare us galls, and tell us the rates at the top. Then we can choose which two-bit parts and bargain basement sluts to shack up with.
["Weekend Update" closing line]
Colin Quinn: That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
Ross Perot: Now, I think the deficit is like a crazy old aunt that lives in the cellar: everybody knows she's down there, but nobody wants to talk about her. Well, I say bring her on up and give the bitch a good hosing.
Wayne Campbell: Wayne's World. Wayne's World. Party time. Excellent.
["Weekend Update" closing line]
Dennis Miller: That's the news, and I am OUTTA HERE.
Kevin Nealon: [adding onto a report on the Weekend Update] ... and in addition, two plus two equals four.
Jackie Rogers Jr.: This is the most effective memory enhancement drug on the market. It'll improve your short-term memory. It'll improve your long-term memory. And most of all, it'll improve your short-term memory.
Kevin Nealon: [after the audience groans at a gag on "Weekend Update"] Don't blame me. I just thought of it, wrote it, and delivered it.
George H.W. Bush: [during the 1988 Republican Presidential Debate] See, See! That's why people say Bob Dole is mean spirited; because of things like that!
Bob Dole: Now, hold on a minute, Mr. Bush. You know, I know, everyone knows where Bob Dole stands on the issues. I am not mean spirited; and if you call me that again, I'll stick my pen up your ass.
Dennis Miller: [picture of Vice Presidential Candidate Dan Quayle] What's the difference between these two spherical objects? Eventually, the one on the left will have a light in it.
[laughter and applause, some ooohs]
Dennis Miller: [turns to camera] Sorry, Dan-o, you make it too damn easy.
Dennis Miller: [after Jon Lovitz returns to the "Weekend Update" desk to lick his face] Licked by Lovitz... what concentric circle of hell is that?
Dennis Miller: [singing an off-key, parodied version of Cat Stevens' "Moonshadow."] I'm being followed by a big Muslim, big Muslim, big Muslim. Biiiig Muslim, Big Muslim!
[smirks at cheering audience, goes on to sing "Father and Son"]
Dennis Miller: If it was them, I'd agree, but it was not me, it's so hard, so hard, and now I must go away.
[turns to other camera, smirking while audience cheers]
Dennis Miller: [swings chair back around to face other camera, this time singing "Wild World"] Ooooooh, baby, baby, it's a wild world!
[makes guitar sound]
Dennis Miller: Ba-na-na-na-na!
Regis Philbin: We went to this little restaurant on the Upper East Side called Aboo Dabby which you know in Italian means...
Kathy Lee Gifford: [makes hand motions] "Affection".
Regis Philbin: No, no, it's actually "abundance".
Kathy Lee Gifford: Oh, ok. "Abundance".
[makes another hand motion]
Regis Philbin: And there was so much food, that at one point Gail looked at me and said, "You expect me to eat all this?"
Kathy Lee Gifford: [starts jumping up and down in the seat] Oh. Oh, what did Gail say? What did Gail say?
Regis Philbin: I, I just told you what Gail said.
["Weekend Update" closing line]
Kevin Nealon: I'm Kevin Nealon and that's news to me.
[on the new TV ratings system affecting SNL]
Lorne Michaels: There was a time where I would have condemned this ratings system as censorship. But I have children. Two adorable boys. And frankly, I don't want them watching this crap.
Mrs. T.: [Commercial for Mr. and Mrs. T Bloody Mary Mix]
Mrs. T.: 'scuse me! It's me and my husband, Mr. T for Mr. and Mrs. T Bloody Mary Mix!I pity the fool how doesn't use it! I'll kill him to death, but I'll pity him first!
Mr. T.: I pity the foo'!
Mrs. T.: First, take some vodka! Then add Mr. and Mrs. T Bloody Mary Mix! Then drink it! That's bad! Grrrr! So get Mr. and Mrs. T's Bloody Mary Mix!
Mr. T.: Buy it or I'll kill ya!
Jimmy Fallon: [as radio DJ] ... and we're back!