Sigerson Holmes: I wish I knew what in God's name they were saying out there!

Orville: [bumps head, starts imitating Gambetti] Professore! This little room is-a 15 inches-a wide! My little saw gonna come right-a down-a the middle! I hope ya like-a the color red! A-ha-ha-ha-haaaa! Aaa-ha-ha-haaa!

[normal voice]

Orville: I also read lips.

Sherlock Holmes: While Sherlock is gone, he will pass on one or two of his less urgent assignments to his brother, Sigerson.

[clock goes off]

Dr. Watson: Holmes! You never told me you had a brother, Sigerson.

Sherlock Holmes: I never told you I had a brother Mycroft... until the occasion arose.

Dr. Watson: Well, who is the fellow?

Sherlock Holmes: Sigerson is my younger brother. And he has spent the past thirty years getting hopelessly twisted in my shadow.

Dr. Watson: Extremely jealous, is he?

Sherlock Holmes: Mm, something of the sort.

Dr. Watson: Love and hate, eh?

Sherlock Holmes: I should say hate... and dislike.

Sigerson Holmes: What did the letter say Mrs.Hill?

Jenny Hill: IT SAID I WANTED TO TOUCH HIS WINKLE!

Sigerson Holmes: Ohh...

Orville: His what?

Sigerson Holmes: Never mind, I'll explain later.

Orville: Are you Mister S., for Sigerson, Holmes?

Sigerson Holmes: Perhaps.

Orville: Do you have a brother whose first name is Sherlock?

Sigerson Holmes: I do not.

Orville: You do have a brother?

Sigerson Holmes: I do.

Orville: Might I inquire as to his first name?

Sigerson Holmes: "Sheer luck."

Sigerson Holmes: You call this tea?

Orville: No, I call that hot water.

[first lines]

Royal Herald: The Foreign Secretary, Lord Redcliff!

Lord Redcliff: [rehearsing what to say under his breath] Your Majesty, being inside of your confidence is the greatest joy I've ever known. Ahem...

Queen Victoria: [handing him the document] Lord Redcliff, the fate of England is now in your hands.

Lord Redcliff: Your Confidence... being inside of Your Majesty is the greatest single joy I've ever known.

[realizing what he's said, he tosses the document away]

Lord Redcliff: Woof!

Lord Redcliff: It's alright, Your Majesty! I've got it! I've got it. All's well that ends well!

Queen Victoria: Shit.

Man in Audience at Opera: Is this rotten or wonderfully brave?

Moriarty: You're too shit smart for your own good, boy.

Moriarty: [Gambetti's just caught him trying to break a vase over his head] You've got a lovely vase.

Eduardo Gambetti, Blackmailer: And *you* got a lovely face!

Jenny Hill: I don't wish to talk about it.

Sigerson Holmes: The problem won't go away because you don't wish to t...

Jenny Hill: I don't wish to talk about it!

Orville: You're making a tragic mistake, love.

Jenny Hill: I've made a tragic mistake. More tragic than you can possibly imagine. And unless I am very careful... I am going to die for it.

Dr. Watson: Holmes, how will you ever repay him?

Sherlock Holmes: By playing the violin, Watson. By playing the violin.

Gambetti's Opera Troupe: [rushed, panicked singing] The chicken was in peril/The princess was delicious...

[singing]

Sigerson Holmes: Why don't we all drink/Some very sexy wine?

Sigerson Holmes: The clue obviously lies in the word "cheddar." Let's see now. Seven letters. Rearranged, they come to, let me see: "Rachedd." "Dechdar." "Drechad." "Chaderd" - hello, chaderd! Unless I'm very much mistaken, chaderd is the Egyptian word meaning "to eat fat." Now we're getting somewhere!

Jenny Hill: My name is Jenny Hill, and I'm simultaneously funny and sad.

Jenny Hill: How do you do? My name is Bessie Bellwood.

Sigerson Holmes: LIAR!

Jenny Hill: Oh! You don't fool around, do you? How do you know that I'm not Bessie Bellwood?

Sigerson Holmes: [singing] There's no harm in taking a kiss/It's never missed...

Jenny Hill: [singing next line] If I'd known that love was like this, should I have kissed?

Sigerson Holmes: [singing] Love's a game if you are clever/Play your cards and go...

Jenny Hill: [singing next line] Love with me will last forever/That is all I know - chorus! - But you don't love as I love...

Sigerson Holmes: All right, all right, enough!

[singing]

Sigerson Holmes: Piggy, piggy, piggy, piggy, piggy, piggy poo/Cried the farmer's daughter, Phyllis...

Jenny Hill: [hesitant singing] Piggy, piggy, piggy, piggy, pig - Well, I don't think I know that one.

Sigerson Holmes: Pity! Next time you decide to impersonate a music hall singer who's been dead for the past twelve years, I suggest you learn her full repertoire! Won't you come in, MISS LIAR?

Sigerson Holmes: "Eduardo Gambetti"? The name strikes a bell. Ever heard of him, Sacker?

Orville: [slaps head; low voice] "Oh, not Gambetti again!"

[high voice]

Orville: "'Fraid so, sir."

[low]

Orville: "Fat little fart, fancies himself as an opera singer."

[high]

Orville: "That's him, sir."

[low]

Orville: "Pour us some tea, will you, Sacker?"

[normal voice]

Orville: Yes, sir.

[low]

Orville: "How does he do it, Greerson?"

[high]

Orville: "Pays the highest prices for spicy letters, sir. Everything on the market goes to Gambetti."

[low]

Orville: "Oh, the swine."

[high]

Orville: "Swine he may be, sir, but he certainly is the cleverest of all the blackmailers."

[smiles]

Jenny Hill: I'm not sure... What just happened?

Sigerson Holmes: Never mind. I'll explain it to you later.

[Sigerson is trying to seduce her]

Jenny Hill: Would you like me to warm your pe - your tea?

Jenny Hill: I'm not proud of what I did!

Sigerson Holmes: You've just told me a magnificent success story! Overlooking the fact that you're a liar, a thief, a traitor, and a whore, I don't see what should be bothering you!

Jenny Hill: [singing] Oh, what regret when love devours my heart? Ohhhhhhhhh...

[two gunshots]

Jenny Hill: Shit.

[singing]

Jenny Hill: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Moriarty: Father forgive me for I have sinned. I don't know why... but ever since I was a little boy... I've been struck with a compulsion to do something ABSOLUTELY ROTTEN every twenty minutes.

Jenny Hill: Mr Gambetti told me he would give me back my letter if I would promise to steal a certain document from my father's wall safe.

Sigerson Holmes: What does your father do?

Jenny Hill: He's the janitor in Browning's bank in Clearwater Street.

Sigerson Holmes: Browning's doesn't have a bank in Clearwater Street.

Jenny Hill: [unconvincingly] Poor papa! I wonder if he knows.

Sigerson Holmes: What does your father do, Miss Hill?

Jenny Hill: How did you know so quickly that Browning's doesn't have a Clearwater branch?

Sigerson Holmes: I assumed you were lying. What does your father do, Miss Hill?

Jenny Hill: ONE OF THESE DAYS YOU'RE GOING TO ASSUME A BROKEN ASS, MR HOLMES!

Sigerson Holmes: Jenny!

[singing]

Sigerson Holmes: Have you seen the latest dance that's come along?/Jenny, go and put your Sunday hat and jacket on/There's going to be some jollicky, come with me, happy-py, fill your heart with ecstasy/Jenny/

Jenny Hill: It's the greatest thing creation's ever known/

Sigerson Holmes: Take a little tip from me/Hold tight/

Jenny Hill: I'm all right/

Sigerson Holmes: When you do the/

Jenny Hill: H/

Sigerson Holmes: O/

Jenny Hill: P/

Orville: Come... on... and/

Sigerson HolmesJenny HillOrville: Hop/Hop/Come and do the kangaroo hop/Hop/That's the dance for me and you/If you're over 80, you can waltz a little while/But hopping about the parlor is the very latest style/Come on and hop/Hop/Hear the music goin' pop/You'll never, never want to stop/There's no other kind of dance at all/So come along, my honey, make the others look small/Come and do the kangaroo/If you know what's good for you/Come and do the kangaroo hop...

Jenny Hill: [fearfully wailing a song] Away, away, away, away, away, away, away...

Sigerson Holmes: What are you doing?

Jenny Hill: Whenever I'm petrified, I either cry or sing.

[continues]

Orville: London streets and places of all interest! Abbey Road! Abbey Street! Abigail Gardens! Abbington Road! Adelphi Terrace! Adelphi Theatre!...