Squiggy: I woulda worn my tuxedo but my polo pony ate it!

Shirley Feeney: Laverne, I'm telling you, flying is safer than driving! Nobody has ever crashed into a cloud!

Laverne De Fazio: Yeah well nobody ever fell 40,000 feet from a DeSoto either.

Shirley Feeney: Laverne...

Laverne De Fazio: Hmm?

Shirley Feeney: I just thought of something awful.

Laverne De Fazio: What?

Shirley Feeney: Some day, God willing, I'm gonna be a mother. And if my daughter comes to me and says, Mama, I want to go to this bachelor party and come outta this cake... what can I tell her?

Laverne De Fazio: A lot more than most mothers!

Shirley Feeney: Laverne! The only kinda parties we've ever been to are bring your own!

Laverne De Fazio: I like bringin' my own... then I know what I'm gettin'.

Laverne De Fazio: Ahhhh! I just said bet your buns to a nun!

Rosie Greenbaum: Shirley, is that the sexiest thing you have to wear?

Shirley Feeney: Is there something wrong with this?

Rosie Greenbaum: Shirley, Shirley, ya gotta advertise a little! Put the goods in the window! That's what Big Rosie does.

Laverne De Fazio: Oh yeah? I always thought ya put 'em right out on the street.

Shirley Feeney: What did you call that woman again?

Laverne De Fazio: Banana-face.

Shirley Feeney: People do not like to be called fruit!

Shirley Feeney: I do NOT vo-dee-oh-doh-doh!

Laverne De Fazio: You vo-dee-OH...

Squiggy: Can we borrow your sheets?

Laverne De Fazio: Oh God, no.

Shirley Feeney: Why do you wanna borrow our sheets?

Squiggy: Well, we have a couple of gorgeous chickaroonies coming over tonight for dinner and crackers, and we kind of like to get to first base with them.

Leonard 'Lenny' Kosnowski: We figure some clean sheets will bring 'em over the old goal line.

Laverne De Fazio: What's the matter with your own sheets?

Squiggy: They're hard.

[Laverne and Shirley show shocked and disgusted reactions]

Rosie Greenbaum: Usually, Mr. Gunther, it's the bimbo with the bucks!

Squiggy: Wanda Titlebaum...

Shirley FeeneyLaverne De Fazio: [first lines in opening sequence, in the style of a jump-rope or hopscotch chant] One, two, three, four! Five, six, seven, eight! Schlemiel! Shlimazl! Hasenpfeffer Incorporated!

Carmine Ragusa: I once met Eddie Fisher!

Shirley Feeney: Oh really? And just what was his excuse for breaking poor Debbie's heart?

Carmine Ragusa: I don't really know. I gave him the towel, he gave me the quarter and that was it!

Squiggy: Hey, what's with all the tropical flora?

Leonard 'Lenny' Kosnowski: Didn't you used to date her?

Squiggy: Nah, that was Teresa DeFluca.

Laverne De Fazio: [reading outloud the poem Shirley wrote in her yearbook] To Laverne: If in heaven we don't meet, hand in hand we'll bear the heat. And if it ever gets too hot, Pepsi Cola hits the spot.

[repeated line]

Carmine Ragusa: [singing] I know I would go from rags to riches...

[repeated line]

Shirley Feeney: Don't you *ever* do that again!

Shirley Feeney: I feel worlds better.

[repeated line]

Shirley Feeney: Laveeerne...

[repeated line]

Squiggy: HELLO!

Laverne De Fazio: Are all those girls in those films really naked?

Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli: No, some of them wear socks!

[repeated line]

Carmine Ragusa: Hey it's me, The Big Ragoo!