Squiggy: I woulda worn my tuxedo but my polo pony ate it!
Shirley Feeney: Laverne...
Laverne De Fazio: Hmm?
Shirley Feeney: I just thought of something awful.
Laverne De Fazio: What?
Shirley Feeney: Some day, God willing, I'm gonna be a mother. And if my daughter comes to me and says, Mama, I want to go to this bachelor party and come outta this cake... what can I tell her?
Laverne De Fazio: A lot more than most mothers!
Laverne De Fazio: Ahhhh! I just said bet your buns to a nun!
Rosie Greenbaum: Shirley, is that the sexiest thing you have to wear?
Shirley Feeney: Is there something wrong with this?
Rosie Greenbaum: Shirley, Shirley, ya gotta advertise a little! Put the goods in the window! That's what Big Rosie does.
Laverne De Fazio: Oh yeah? I always thought ya put 'em right out on the street.
Squiggy: Can we borrow your sheets?
Laverne De Fazio: Oh God, no.
Shirley Feeney: Why do you wanna borrow our sheets?
Squiggy: Well, we have a couple of gorgeous chickaroonies coming over tonight for dinner and crackers, and we kind of like to get to first base with them.
Leonard 'Lenny' Kosnowski: We figure some clean sheets will bring 'em over the old goal line.
Laverne De Fazio: What's the matter with your own sheets?
Squiggy: They're hard.
[Laverne and Shirley show shocked and disgusted reactions]
Rosie Greenbaum: Usually, Mr. Gunther, it's the bimbo with the bucks!
Squiggy: Wanda Titlebaum...
Laverne De Fazio: [reading outloud the poem Shirley wrote in her yearbook] To Laverne: If in heaven we don't meet, hand in hand we'll bear the heat. And if it ever gets too hot, Pepsi Cola hits the spot.
Carmine Ragusa: [singing] I know I would go from rags to riches...
Shirley Feeney: Don't you *ever* do that again!
Shirley Feeney: I feel worlds better.
Shirley Feeney: Laveeerne...
Laverne De Fazio: Are all those girls in those films really naked?
Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli: No, some of them wear socks!
Carmine Ragusa: Hey it's me, The Big Ragoo!