Waldorf: How do they do it?

Statler: How do we watch it?

Waldorf: *Why* do we watch it?

Statler: [Breaking the fourth wall] Why do *you* watch it?

Waldorf: These seats are awful.

Statler: Why? Can't you see anything?

Waldorf: That's the problem. I can see everything.

Sam's Dance Partner: What's the difference between illegal and immoral?

Sam The Bald Eagle: Immoral is something that's not right and illegal is me with a tummy ache.

Sam The Bald Eagle: [Sam's dance partner looks at the camera in disgust] I didn't write it.

Waldorf: Just when you think this show is terrible something wonderful happens.

Statler: What?

Waldorf: It ends.

Statler: This show is awful.

Waldorf: Terrible.

Statler: Disgusting.

Waldorf: See you next week?

Statler: Of course.

Waldorf: Well, you gotta give them credit.

Statler: Why's that?

Waldorf: Well, they're gonna keep on doing it till they get it right.

[repeated line]

Announcer: And now, "Veterinarian's Hospital". The continuing storrrrry of a quack who's gone to the dogs.

Statler: Now why did you do that to poor Fozzie?

Waldorf: Do what? I really was on the Titanic.

Statler: I know. You still have the dress you wore so they'd let you in the life boat. Heh heh heh.

Waldorf: D'oh!

Statler: Please don't make me watch it.

Miss Piggy: Methinks thou doth protest too much.

Kermit: What?

Miss Piggy: Shakespeare.

Kermit: Sounds more like Bacon. From a ham.

Miss Piggy: How would you like a pork chop? Hi-yah!

[karate chops Kermit]

Miss Piggy: You always hurt the one you love.

Kermit: Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Muppet Show!

Statler: I like that last number.

Waldorf: What did you like about it?

Statler: It was the *last* number!

Statler: What have you got for an opening act this time? A Chinese gorilla dancing ballet?

Kermit: Cancel the opening number.

Chinese Gorilla: Dong day do dai dai do...

Statler: Ever heard of pig on bikes?

Waldorf: I've never heard of road hogs.

Miss Piggy: But I love him.

Rowlf: How could you love him? You're a nurse.

Miss Piggy: That may be true, but I am a woman first.

Rowlf: No, you're not. You're a pig first. Nurse second. I don't think woman made the top 10.

Kermit: Animal, you like the theme song, don't you?

Animal: [nods head emphatically] Yeah, yeah!

Floyd: No, no!

Animal: [shakes head emphatically] No, no.

Waldorf: Tell me, Statler. Do you have any naval experience?

Statler: Well, I once saved a rat from drowning.

Waldorf: Really, how?

Statler: I gave him mouth to mouse resuscitation!

Kermit: And now a man who needs no introduction, so what am I doing out here?

Miss Piggy: [as Nurse Piggy] It's too late, Doctor Bob. We've lost him.

Rowlf: [as Doctor Bob] Well, he couldn't have gone far. He was under the sheet just a second ago.

Announcer: And now Pigs in Space. Starring the ever handsome Link Hogwash, the illustrious first mate Miss Piggy, and the scientist Dr Jullius Strangepork. Our story begins when...

Statler: I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't watched it.

Waldorf: Believe what?

Statler: I don't know - I wasn't watching.

Waldorf: I can't believe those rats were responsible for this show.

Statler: Those rats were also responsible for the bubonic plague. Dohohohoh!

Rita Moreno: Kermit I was wondering if we could just forget the cue cards and just ad lib it.

Kermit the Frog: Ad lib it? Yes I don't mind doing that but there are others who may take offense.

Rita Moreno: Like who?

Kermit the Frog: Like the guy who holds the cue cards.

Sweetums: Nice lady not want Sweetums to hold cue cards?

Rita Moreno: Uh no.

Sweetums: Nice lady want Sweetums to hold something else?

Rita Moreno: Sure you can hold anything you want.

Sweetums: Great! That best offer Sweetums have all week.

[Sweetums picks up Rita like a football and walks off with her while Kermit shrieks]

Kermit the Frog: That's the problem with guests on this show. They seem to get carried away.

Fozzie: Kermit. Kermit. This time I have really got it. I have re-mastered the art of handling hecklers.

Kermit: Oh, you think so, huh?

Fozzie: Oh, I know so. I know so.

Kermit: OK, I tell you what - you tell a joke and I will heckle you.

Fozzie: Great.

Kermit: But, Fozzie - I expect a great comeback.

Fozzie: Right.

[clears throat]

Fozzie: Ahh, my cousin's so dumb he thinks Eggs Benedict's a mafia gangster.

Kermit: I've seen cheeseburgers funnier then that.

[Fozzie pounds Kermit with a rubber chicken]

Fozzie: What do you think, huh? Too subtle?

Muppet Newsman: Here is a Muppet News Flash.

[runs to the desk]

Muppet Newsman: There is no news tonight.

Fozzie: Hey, did you hear the one about the kangaroo that comes into a store, and a hippopotamus comes out and he says to the kanga

[curtains close]


Kermit: [the phone rings] Fozzie, will you get that?

Fozzie: [Runs up and answers it] Hello. Muppet Show backstage.

[Water squirts out of the mike on the phone]

Kermit: Who was that?

Fozzie: The water department.

[Hangs up and walks away]

Kermit: [Towards the camera] What the hey?

Fozzie: [the phone rings] I'll get it!

[Picks up]

Fozzie: Muppet Show backstage.

[Thick white smoke comes out of the phone]

Kermit: Fozzie, who was that?

Fozzie: [Coughing] The fire department.

Kermit: [Towards the camera] I think this is what's called a running gag.

[At that the Muppet Newsman runs by towards the stage]

Fozzie: [Pointing at him] No, THAT'S what's called a running gag.

Fozzie: [Phone rings] I'll get it!

[Picks up]

Fozzie: Muppet Show backstage.

[Coins start pouring out of the mike on the phone, and Fozzie takes off his hat quickly to catch them]

Kermit: Fozzie, who was it this time?

Fozzie: Las Vegas.

[Kermit walks off disgusted]

Fozzie: [Phone rings] I got it!


Fozzie: Muppet Show backstage.

[an explosion with bright light comes through the phone's mike]

Kermit: [a little shaken] Uh Fozzie, who was it this time?

Fozzie: The Atomic Energy Commission.

Waldorf: Well, this show certainly doesn't lay any eggs.

Chickens: Bwak bawk bawk!

Statler: Wanna bet?

Waldorf: [looking down from the balcony] He shouldn't have jumped. The show wasn't that bad.

Waldorf: [after the song "Happy Feet"] You know, on the show that wasn't funny.

Statler: True, true.

Waldorf: But on a record, it doesn't even make sense!

Waldorf: [after the ending theme plays] Uh, Statler?

Statler: Yeah, what?

Waldorf: Is that it?

Statler: Yes, it's over. How'd you like it?

Waldorf: Uh, I don't know. I slept through the whole thing.

Statler: Well, you didn't miss much!

Statler: Well the show tonight certainly didn't lay an egg.

Chickens: Bawk!

Waldorf: Wanna bet?

Waldorf: You are my sunshine! My only sunshine.

Statler: Why you old fool!

Waldorf: What?

Statler: I'm not your son and my name's not Shine.

Waldorf: And he calls me an old fool?

[the Swedish Chef is cooking, Miss Piggy appears]

Miss Piggy: I'm looking for Foofoo! Foofoo my dog, you idiot!

Swedish Chef: [cooking hot dogs, misunderstands] The dog is in the pot!

Miss Piggy: WHAT? You cook Foo-foo?

[tries to karate chop the Chef, but he blocks her]

Fozzie: I don't got rhythm.

Rowlf: That's for sure.

Fozzie: I don't got rhythm.

Rowlf: Who can ask for anything more?

Statler: We could!

Waldorf: Yeah! Earplugs!

Robot Kermit: Hey, listen you, how about you and me getting together and makin' some ste-e-e-am heat. Huh, snuggle bunny?

Miss Piggy: Snuggle bunny? Why, uh...

Robot Kermit: Yeah. Look, let me take you away from all this. Aaah, a marriage made in heaven. A frog and a pig. We can have bouncing baby figs.

Beauregard: Kermit! Kermit! I had a dream and it was so real! I... what does it mean when you dream people are walking on your head?

Kermit: It means you're sleeping on the floor!

Announcer: And now it's time for Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of an orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.

Fozzie: Let's all sing the rhyming song, the rhyming song, the rhyming song. Let's take turns and rhyme together... the rhyming song.

Pig: I left my niece in your car.

Fozzie: The rhyming song, the rhyming song.

Pig: My laundry's ready at half-past nine.

Fozzie: The rhyming song. Oh brother. Link?

Link: The stars are twinkling in the sky.

Fozzie: The rhyming song, the rhyming song.

Link: There's no hot water in my hotel.

Fozzie: The rhyming song.

Waldorf: Yeah, the show is good for what ails me.

Statler: Yeah? What does ail you?

Waldorf: Insomnia.

Kermit: Me, not crazy? I hired the others!

[dancing in the ballroom]

Janice: That man is annoying me!

Zoot: He didn't even look at you!

Janice: That's WHY he is annoying me!

Peter Ustinov: Psychiatry has it's own jargon, and it is only when you know all the terms, that you can begin to understand!

Harvey Korman: Speak, Demon! Speak!

Large Blue Creature: I hardly know where to begin. I was rereading Balzac the other day. Only in translation, of course...

Floyd: Uncopacetic!

Swedish Chef: Bork Bork Bork!

Chickens: Bawk Bawk Bawk!

Koosbanian: Wang wang wang wang! Arooo!

John Cleese: To dream the impossible dream!

Waldorf: Pay up! They made it through another one

Statler: Double or nothing next week's show?

Waldorf: You're on!

Statler: You know I never liked this show's theme music.

Waldorf: Niether did I.

Kermit: You promised!