Narrator: It is the middle of the Dark Ages. Ages darker than anyone had ever expected.

Dennis: I keep your potato.

King Bruno the Questionable: Guards... kill that man...

Dennis: Dennis is hiding in a shadowy alcove removing his nun disguise. As he is illuminated by torchlight he looks back over his shoulder...

Religious Fanatic #1: Look! It's a nun in the guise of the Devil!

Religious Fanatic #2: No! It's the Devil in the guise of a nun!

Religious Fanatic #3: Get her!

Religious Fanatic #4: Get him!

Religious Fanatic #5: GET THEM BOTH!

[he is pooping into the lake, and he does not seem embarrassed about it at all]

Mr. Fishfinger: Oh, hello Dennis! You've got garbage all over your vest. You really ought to look after your appearance, you know. Very bad for business.

1st Herald: As a reward for killing the monster, the king's champion will receive half the princess's hand and the entire kingdom in marriage.

[his assistant whispers in his ear]

1st Herald: Correction. It is, of course, it is, of course, the king's hand and half the princess's kingdom.

[his assistant whispers in his ear again]

1st Herald: Excuse me.

[he listens as his assistant whispers to him]

1st Herald: I've just received final confirmation of the final terms. It is, of course, the princess's hand and half the entire kingdom.

Mr. Cooper Senior: [on his deathbed] You're just a shallow, dull, pretentious...

Dennis Cooper: Father!

Mr. Cooper Senior: ...little stocktaker!

Dennis Cooper: Oh, father, you're delirious. You don't know what you're saying.

Mr. Cooper Senior: Oh yes, I do, you, you whimpering, snotty-nosed, cretinous oaf! I've wanted to say this for years.

Dennis Cooper: Father, we're not alone.

Mr. Cooper Senior: You're everything I despise!

Dennis Cooper: [to the other villagers gathered around the bed] Dad's raving, I'm afraid.

Villager: No, he's not.

[opening lines]

Narrator: 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe. All mimsy were the borogoves, and the mome raths outgrabe.