[Tommy and Avram are in a saloon, where Tommy is sawing away at a huge steak, but Avram is too depressed to eat]
Tommy: Now, look. You go up and change, and then we'll go together and we'll tell your people that the new rabbi's arrived. All right?
Avram: I told you that I can't be a rabbi.
Tommy: [Tommy hurls a piece of bread at him] Don't you tell me that. Just don't say that again. Not after what I've been through to get your goddamn ass here alive. If you hadn't have shot that man, then we'd both be dead. Do you understand that, you ignorant asshole? You do understand that? He was gonna kill you and then he was gonna kill me, am I right? When you shot that son of a bitch, that was not a sin. Then what the hell are we talking about?
Avram: When those men were shooting at you, I ran to save the Torah.
Tommy: So? I understand that. You're a man of God. I understand that.
Avram: I wasn't thinking about God. I didn't do it because of God. I don't know one thing about God. I was thinking about a book. I cared more for a book than I did for my best friend. I don't know if you can understand that. I don't want to insult you. But do you understand what I mean? I chose a piece of paper instead of you!
Tommy: But I forgive you.
Avram: I know that you do.
Tommy: But you're a good man!
Avram: I am a good man. I am. But I'm not a rabbi.
Tommy: Don't say that!
Avram: Tommy, I'm not a rabbi.
Tommy: Don't say that! You are a rabbi. I'm a bank robber. I'm a card player and a whoremonger. That's what I am. You are a rabbi. You can fall in the mud, you can slip on your ass, you can travel in the wrong direction. But even on your ass, even in the mud, even if you go in the wrong direction for a little while, you're still a rabbi! That's what you are!
Avram: [Trying to catch a wild 'chicken'] Chicken, chicken, chicken! Chickie-chickie-chickie-chicken! Come here,
Avram: I don't want to hurt you, I just want to eat you.
[repeats in Yiddish, 'chicken' flies away]
Avram: Come here, wait! I don't want to hurt you! I just want to make you kosher!
Chief Gray Cloud: ...And you, who speak to Indians as if to little children: Your heart is big. Not as big as your mouth, but you have good feelings inside.
[Matt Diggs considers reaching for his gun]
Tommy: Reach for it! PLEASE!
Tommy: [Tommy sees Avram coming out of a Wells Fargo office] You did it, didn't you? You give 'em back the money?
Tommy: Yep. Well, that ain't the American way. What's more, now you ain't got no money. Well, now what'cha gonna do?
Tommy: You don't know. Well, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna get me a bath. Then I'm gonna get drunk. Then I'm gonna catch me a whore with great big tits. Then I'm gonna get drunk again. Then I'm gonna rob that Wells Fargo office and get me my money back, you dumb-ass Jew!
[Samuel Bender, his daughter Rosalie, and other members of the Jewish community enter the saloon, looking for their new rabbi. Rosalie points out the table where Tommy and Avram are sitting. Since Tommy is wearing a fine new suit, Bender approaches and begins welcoming him to town, in Yiddish]
[Bender continues in Yiddish; Rosalie gazes dreamily at Avram]
Tommy: What's he talking about? What's he talking about?
Avram: He wants to know if you're the rabbi.
Tommy: [amused] Me?
[Wealthy Mr. Bender and his affluent associates look back and forth between Tommy and Avram, frowning, because Avram is dressed in ordinary Western working clothes]
Tommy: You tell him.
Avram: I'm the rabbi.
Samuel Bender: [looking him up and down with contempt and disbelief] You're the rabbi? Funny, you don't look like a rabbi.
Avram: I just traveled three thousand miles across this country.
[He pulls his bandanna from his neck]
Avram: And I was thanking my best friend
[he pulls off his dusty coat]
Avram: for getting me here alive. My name is Avram Belinsky, and I come from a small village in Poland.
[He pulls on his black rabbi coat]
Avram: And don't you judge people by their appearance!
[He yanks off his cowboy hat, revealing his yarmulke]
Avram: [to Matt Diggs] This is a very big country. I'll tell you what I think is the best thing. I'll take San Francisco; you take the rest of America. And if you ever come back to this place again, I don't think you're gonna get off so easy.
[He hands back Matt's gun]
Avram: Now, get the hell out of here. Would somebody please show this poor asshole the way out of town?
[Tommy and Avram look out over the Pacific Ocean]
Tommy: Well, cuz, we made it. It was just like I told you. Right at that big tree; then left for a couple days; sharp right; and then straight as piss till you come to the ocean.
Avram: Who would have dreamed it could be so simple?
Tommy: Yeah. You don't know me the next time you see me, I'm gonna kick your ass all the way back to Poland.
Avram: Why wouldn't I know you? You going away someplace?
Tommy: Well, yeah. This is where we say goodbye, Avram.
Avram: What do you mean?
Tommy: Well, you follow that beach for a day and a half, you'll be in San Francisco. You don't need me no more.
[Avram can't believe what he's hearing]
Avram: Where are you going?
Tommy: Well, I'm going that way.
Tommy: Sutter's Mill. That's where the gold is.
Avram: But I don't want you to go.
Tommy: Well, I gotta go.
Tommy: Well, I got people to see. Banks to rob. You know. I gotta make a living.
Avram: Who's going to be the best man at my wedding?
Tommy: What do you mean? That's for one of your Jewish friends. You gotta pick your best friend for that.
Avram: [getting weepy] You... you *are* my best friend.
Tommy: I'm your best friend?
Avram: You're my only friend.
[Avram points to the back of his horse]
Avram: Now, listen to me, cuz. You keep your eyes on this tuchas, and don't you take them off till we get to San Francisco!
Tommy: I never had a best friend.
[Avram creeps up to the home of Mr. Bender, where Avram's intended fiancee lives, to leave the Torah at the door and sneak away. The younger daughter, Rosalie, unexpectedly opens the door]
[She exclaims in surprise as he tumbles to her feet, then scrambles to stand up]
Rosalie: Hello. Uh, howdy.
Avram: [stunned by her beauty, he repeats himself] Howdy. How do? Uh, hello there.
Rosalie: Do you want something?
Avram: Uh, well, um, do I want - No! Well. Goldang it, ma'am, my name is Tommy Lillard, and I come from the Texas. Uh, I come from Texas! And, um, excusing me if I gave you a little startle there. I was a little startled there for a second.
[Rosalie finds his clumsy attempts to hide his Yiddish accent rather endearing, so she plays along]
Chief Gray Cloud: [in reference to Avram's god] What does he do?
Avram: He... He can do anything!
Chief Gray Cloud: Then why can't he make rain?
Avram: Because he doesn't make rain. He gives us strength when we're suffering. He gives us compassion when all that we feel is hatred. He gives us courage when we're searching around blindly like little mice in the darkness... but He does not make rain!
[Thunder and lightning begin, followed by a downpour]
Avram: Of course... sometimes, just like that, he'll change His mind.
[Avram teaches some Indians how Jews dance]
Avram: Watch that lady. I think that lady's a Jewish Indian.
Avram: [voiceover] In the Talmud, it says "find thyself a teacher" and this I have done. However, there were times I feared that he would find another pupil.
[Tommy and Avram are being chased by a posse, but Avram won't ride on the sabbath]
Tommy: You give me the pee-doodles!
[the Diggs brothers and Jones ambush Tommy and Avram while they are romping on the beach and, in a shootout, Tommy kills Jones and sends Matt Diggs fleeing. Darryl Diggs shoots Tommy in the shoulder; Avram is obsessed with saving the Torah. Tommy, in pain and fear, screams most of his dialogue]
Tommy: He's out of bullets! He dropped the gun. Get the gun!
[Avram looks up, appalled]
Tommy: Shoot him! There, right there, look! It's in the sand! Don't let him get the other gun.
[Avram runs and gets the gun. Darryl is cornered]
Tommy: Shoot him! He's gonna kill us, shoot him! Shoot him, Avram!
[Darryl spots Jones's gun in the sand]
Tommy: He's going for the other gun! Shoot him, for Christ's sake, shoot him! Help me!
[Avram is pointing the gun at Darryl but is paralyzed. Darryl, walking slowly toward the gun in the sand, grins]
Tommy: He's gonna kill us; shoot him! Shoot him, Avram, shoot him! Don't you understand? He's going for the other gun. Don't let him grab that gun!
[Darryl, snickering, is almost to the gun]
Tommy: Don't let him grab the other gun! There, there, right there! Look! It's in the sand. Shoot him, Avram! Shoot him!
[Darryl is laughing out loud at Avram when Avram shoots him in the chest]
[Avram pretends that he is a random cowboy, delivering the Torah to the Bender family as a favor to his friend the rabbi. Rosalie Bender thinks he's cute]
Rosalie: What do you want?
Avram: Um, well, I came to bring this thing here
[he pats the Torah]
Avram: for, eh, for Mr. Bender, iffen I got the right house, an' all.
Rosalie: You do. I'm his daughter.
Avram: Yeah, I know that.
[He remembers that he is not supposed to have seen her photograph before, much less carried it from Poland]
Avram: Oh! Oh, you're the daughter! You're the Bender daughter. Oh.
[He nods politely; he also looks her up and down surreptitiously]
Rosalie: [starting to be charmed by this awkward stranger] Would you care to come in?
Avram: Well, I would like to, but I, ah - thanks, no, because I got a friend waitin' at the saloon and, uh, my other friend, the rabbi, asked me to bring this here to you. I mean, bring this to your father.
Rosalie: What is it?
Avram: This thing? I, I don't know. I think it's some kind of Torah.
Rosalie: A Torah!
Avram: Yeah, I think that's what he called it.
Rosalie: [smiling] So where is he?
Rosalie: The rabbi!
Avram: Where is the rabbi? Oh - where is the rabbi? The rabbi. Well, I don't rightly know, ma'am. Um, the last time I seen him, I was bustin' my britches in the cat-house. And, um, my friend the rabbi asked me, iffen I should ever come Frisco way, would I drop by this house and do him this favor.
Avram: Anyway, it was nice to, um, make your acquaintance, ma'am, and, um, I'd, uh...
Rosalie: Is something wrong?
Avram: No, no, no. No. It's just I didn't know that your eyes would be so brown.
Rosalie: [She laughs in astonishment] How would you know that?
Avram: How would I know that? Ha ha ha! How would I know that, that's right! How would I know that? I couldn't know that. Well, I'd, uh, I'd better get going. I hate to keep my sidewinder waitin'. So, I'll just give you that to give to, uh, to give to your father, and I'll say goodbye.
Rosalie: Just wait, wait. Papa!
Avram: No, no, no, don't call the papa! I'd, uh, I'd really better get my ass outta here. So, thanks, and adios for everything!
[Avram lifts Rosalie's veil to kiss his bride]
Avram: [voiceover] I've crossed rivers, and I've climbed high mountains, and I've, I was captured by wonderful Indians. I did so many things. God has truly blessed me. And what's more, how many rabbis can say that they had a bank robber for a best man?
[Avram steps aside, and Tommy steps in to kiss the bride. Mr. Bender pushes him out of the way, laughing]
Samuel Bender: Mazel tov. Music, maestro, please!
Avram: Go, horsie!
Tommy: What's the point of all my experience, if you don't listen to me?