Life of Brian (1979)
John Young: Matthias, Son of Deuteronomy of Gath
Photos
Quotes
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Matthias : Look, I don't think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying "Jehovah".
[Everyone gasps]
Jewish Official : You're only making it worse for yourself!
Matthias : Making it worse? How could it be worse? Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!
Jewish Official : I'm warning you! If you say "Jehovah" once more...
[Gets hit with a rock]
Jewish Official : Right! Who threw that? Come on, who threw that?
Stoners : She did! She!
[Suddenly speaking as men]
Stoners : Him! Him. Him.
Jewish Official : Was it you?
Stoner : Yes.
Jewish Official : Right...
Stoner : Well you did say "Jehovah".
[Crowd throws rocks at the stoner]
Jewish Official : Stop it! Stop! Stop, will you... stop that!
[Jumps angrily]
Jewish Official : Stop it! Now look: no one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle, do you understand? Even - and I want to make this absolutely clear - even if they do say "Jehovah".
[Crowd stones the Jewish Official to death]
Stoners : Gotcha!
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Centurion : You know the penalty laid down by Roman law for harboring a known criminal?
Matthias : No.
Centurion : Crucifixion!
Matthias : Oh.
Centurion : Nasty, eh?
Matthias : Could be worse.
Centurion : What you mean "Could be worse"?
Matthias : Well, you could be stabbed.
Centurion : Stabbed? Takes a second. Crucifixion lasts hours. It's a slow, horrible death.
Matthias : Well, at least it gets you out in the open air.
Centurion : You're weird!
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Matthias : All I did was say to my wife, "That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah!"
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Matthias : [Answering the summons of the door] My legs are old and bent, my ears are grizzled, yes?
Centurion : There's one place we didn't look. Guards!
[the guards troop into the house]
Matthias : ...Nose is knackered.
Centurion : Have you ever seen anyone crucified?
Matthias : Crucifixion's a doddle.
Centurion : ...Don't keep saying that.
Lead Search Guard : [Guards troop out, last guard pauses] Found this spoon, sir.
Centurion : Well done, Sergeant!
Centurion : We'll be back... Oddball...
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Reg : They've bled us white, the bastards! They've taken everything we ever had! And not just from us, but from our fathers, and from our father's fathers!
Stan : And from our father's father's fathers.
Reg : Right.
Stan : And from our father's father's father's fathers.
Reg : Alright Stan, don't labour the point. And what have they ever given us in return?
Revolutionary #1 : ...The aquaduct?
Reg : What?
Revolutionary #1 : The aquaduct.
Reg : Oh. Yeah, yeah they did give us that. That's true, yeah.
Revolutionary #2 : And, uh, sanitation.
Stan : Oh yeah, the sanitation, Reg. Remember what the city USED to be like.
Reg : Alright, I'll grant you the aquaduct and the sanitation. The two things the Romans HAVE done.
Matthias : And the roads!
Reg : Yeah, well obviously the roads! I mean, the roads go without saying, don't they? But APART from sanitation, the aquaducts and the roads...
Revolutionary #3 : Irrigation?
Revolutionary #1 : Medicine.
Revolutionary #5 : Education?
Reg : Yeah, alright, fair enough...
Revolutionary #5 : And the wine!
[Everyone murmurs in agreement apart from an increasingly annoyed Reg]
Francis : Yeah! Yeah, that's something we'd really miss, Reg, if the Romans left.
Revolutionary #6 : Public baths.
Stan : And it's safe to walk in the streets at night now, Reg.
Francis : Yeah, they certainly know how to keep order. Let's face it -- they're the only ones who COULD in a place like this.
[Everyone except Reg chuckles in agreement]
Reg : Alright, but APART from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health... what have the Romans ever done for us?
Revolutionary #1 : ...Brought peace.
Reg : Oh, peace! Shut up!
