Vampire Hookers (1978) User Reviews (28)

Sexy horror/comedy was not Cirio H. Santiago's forté (but then what was?).

[BA_Harrison · 3/10 · 18 November 2011]

Take one word from group A (Ninja, Robo, Samurai, Vigilante, Zombie, Vampire, Alien, Cyborg, Barbarian) and one from group B (Cop, Princess, Assassins, Hookers, Warriors, Strikeforce, Muthaf***kers) and you'll have yourself a movie title that sounds awesome. Get Ciro H. Santiago to direct it, and it'll be crap.

Vampire Hookers, for example, has the potential to be a hugely entertaining piece of bloody, sexy schlock horror; in the hands of Santiago, though, the idea becomes a dreadfully unfunny camp comedy/horror full of juvenile humour (bumbling 'Abbot & Costello' type sailors; a flatulent vampire; lady-boy gags), embarrassing performances (poor old John Carradine as a poetry spouting vamp), and cheap props (styrofoam 'stone' blocks), but zero gore.

About the only thing Cirio does right is to cast three absolute stunners as his titular ladies of the night and get them naked a lot—although, somehow, he even manages to botch a scene in which the lusty bloodsucking babes tag-team a lucky sailor: torturously long and amazingly unerotic, it's hard to believe that anyone can make a three-on-one sex session seem so boring!

Pure 70's T&A

[beatlesfandavis · 3/10 · 6 January 2010]

Vampire Hookers is certainly a bad movie but that is part of its charm. If you are a fan of 70's T&A films, this one will should appeal to you. I first saw it at an old downtown theater that ran mostly B horror movies and soft core porn. That was many years ago so I guess something about this film impressed me as I have never quite forgotten it although some of the people in the cast would probably like to.

My main question is, what is John Carradine doing in this? I know he was at the end of a fine career (hey, the guy was in Stagecoach and The Grapes of Wrath for crying out loud) but Vampire Hookers?!? I can only guess that he either A. needed the money, B. wanted to help out a producer or director friend, or C. lost a bet in a poker game with this film's producer.

John Carradine in one of his last starring roles

[kevinolzak · 5/10 · 30 July 2010]

"Vampire Hookers" (1978) has been issued under a dizzying array of alternate titles, but apparently this was its only theatrical monicker. For his lone feature shot in the Philippines, 72-year-old John Carradine looks splendid in an immaculate white suit and sombrero, playing a vampire with the startlingly original name of Richmond Reed (his own birth name). Whether quoting Shakespeare, which he enjoyed doing all his life, or wondering if Walt Whitman was a vampire, Carradine never fails to pump some much needed life (pun intended) into the often tired proceedings. Of the three young beauties who bring their victims to Reed's hidden underground lair, former Playboy Playmate Lenka Novak is the only recognizable face, having done similar work as 'Linda Chambers' in 1977's "The Kentucky Fried Movie." The IMDb biography for Lenka Novak is skimpy on details, but it was apparently written by a dedicated fan, who did a good job encapsulating her numerous credits. Karen Stride went on to do only two more features, while Katie Dolan never made another film. Although not blessed with great acting skills, they are lovely to look at, despite only appearing topless, while the slow-motion sex is botched by director Cirio H.Santiago, who indulges far too much footage to the unfunny flatulence of Vic Diaz, whose servant character yearns to one day become a vampire himself (a pity he gets his wish). Carradine would go on to play Dracula one final time, in another 1978 comedy "Nocturna," a vanity film for star and producer Nai Bonet, admittedly a beautiful dancer who gyrates nicely for the camera. Only three more titles offered the veteran character actor top billing- "The Best of Sex and Violence," "The Scarecrow" (both 1981),and "Demented Death Farm Massacre...The Movie" (1986), from director Fred Olen Ray.

Best Worst Movie Ever!!

[ncorsten · 11 September 2004]

Oh man, this movie is worth watching just for the theme song!! If you are a collector of B horror movies or like to pop 'em late at night you must see this movie. Most John Carradine movies are bad and this is for sure no exception! This gem is complete with bad voice overs, bad acting and a Super Awesomely Bad orgy scene. This movie is pee your pants funny and it's one of the worst movies your little peepers will ever view. Seriously, this needs to go in any B Horror movie collection. Jeese, I can't believe they made this movie, but I'm glad they did. It's just too funny.

In the Navy, Come on get killed by Vampire Ho's

[Coventry · 2/10 · 18 September 2017]

I haven't figured out yet whether "Vampire Hookers" is the most retarded movie of all times, but I can most certainly confirm already that it earned a spot in the top ten for sure. Basically this means that I cannot possibly reward it with a rating higher than 2 out of 10, but – and this is contrary to all genuine bad movies with a similar rating – I don't want the rating to discourage anyone from watching it! Quite the opposite, in fact, "Vampire Hookers" comes with my warmest recommendation in case you're an avid fan of cheap and sleazy 70s exploitation cinema. Why? Simply because it's pure brainless and unscrupulous entertainment with a non- existent plot, lunatic characters, infantile toilet humor and gratuitous sex; that's why! Cirio H. Santiago was the contemporary king of Filipino exploitation rubbish and here he even managed to cast John Carradine in a top-billing role. However, like in most of the films released during the last decade of his career, he only just stands around with a disinterested look on his face and whines his lines almost inaudibly. He depicts a sort of fancy white-suited vampire patriarch living underneath a graveyard in a Filipina coastal town, together with his three beautiful, luscious and voluptuous…err…brides! They have local slaves, aspiring vampires actually, that lure horny men to the graveyard so that they can feast on their bodies and blood. When their supervisor doesn't return after a wild night of fun, two worried Navy Sailors start their own investigation. The screenplay of this lousy but charming flick is full of bad jokes, but you'll laugh out loud anyway because the comical situations are so cheesy, inappropriate and misfit. The type of humor featuring in "Vampire Hookers" is probably best illustrated through the character of the exploitation regular Vic Diaz. He plays a fat and filthy henchman who farts continuously, and when he discovers he finally receives vampire fangs, he gets so ecstatic and jumpy that the walls of the entire underground lair come tumbling down. Also, and this is truly remarkable, Cirio H. Santiago proves with "Vampire Hookers" that even 10-minute sex orgies featuring three beautiful women can be overlong and boring; especially when they keep their panties on!

Really bad

[ethylester · 2/10 · 6 August 2003]

This movie was really stupid. It was like one of those late 60's comedies that aren't funny at all. It must have been written by a really lonesome nitwit who had no friends and wasn't funny.

This movie is full of slapstick, believe it or not. Really bad slapstick. For instance, there's a guy who lives with the vampires (who live in a pretty slick crypt in a graveyard) and he wants so bad to be a vampire. He even sleeps in his own coffin made out of plywood. There's a really strange part that I can't understand what was happening - he gets in the "coffin" and puts a plastic hose in his mouth and starts breathing in and out with it. Then he starts farting a lot. He farts so much that he opens the lid to the coffin and starting wafting his nose. Then the scene is over. ? Yeah, it made no sense.

And there is an ULTRA long orgy scene that lasts for like 10 minutes. It's not even a good orgy. A lot of slow motion hair-flipping, and long long long kisses. It's one guy and three vampire ladies. They show the same kissing parts over and over to this very cheezy porn/helicopter music.

The main vampire man (Carradine) is almost funny. He keeps quoting poetry and claiming that Shakespeare and Whitman must have both been vampires because he really understands their poetry. It's kind of pathetic because he can never find anyone else that cares about his poetry fascination.

And whoever wrote on here about vampires having tan lines, that's a good point. One vampiress is constantly complaining that she can't go play on the beach or get a sun tan, but when the orgy scene comes up, she's got giant tan lines.

The voices they use and the audio system they had are really terrible. This young sailor guy who is always trying to get laid has an old man who smoked and drank all his life voice. Then the young sailor who has the orgy has a voice like that red head kid from Happy Days. It just doesn't fit.

Vampire Hookers = Really bad slapstick humor, awful choices for voice dubbing, a long and boring orgy scene, lots of taxi rides, guys who wear sailor outfits the entire time, and a funny ending credits where each character has their own screen with a shot of them talking and their name.

LAME

Fast Forward to the Credits

[clavallie · 1/10 · 23 August 2008]

This is an absolutely horrible movie (though still better than both Queerwolf and On Deadly Ground (best use of Michael Caine's hair to sop up oil spills)). However, it is almost worth owning if you choose to just fast forward to the credits for the theme song. Any vampire movie with the line "Vampire hookers... they'll suck more than your blood" in it is worth putting next to your copy of A Polish Vampire In Burbank on your schlock shelf. There isn't much more to say about this movie except that it is very difficult to fill out ten lines of commentary about it that aren't merely "Ow... that hurt my brain" repeated over and over and over. Ow... that hurt my brain.

A film of legend

[jonathan-577 · 1/10 · 29 December 2006]

I dunno. Do you give points for enthusiasm? This is like John Landis's "Schlock" or "A Polish Vampire in Burbank." The script reads like Hecht-MacArthur for morons. "Coffins are for being laid to rest, not for being laid." Like that. But the botched attempt to be snappy means that it looks REALLY good up against the trudgery of Astro-Zombies or my last Filipino outing, Curse of the Vampire. John Carradine must have been on set at least two or three days, and they give him some Whitman and Shakespeare to recite for old times sake. There are three vampire babes - the blonde does a great Swedish deadpan - and they do this endless ten-minute three-on-one sex scene, complete with wah-wah guitar, with this guy who might as well BE Steve Guttenberg. He must have been a co-producer. They live in the cemetery under this stone trap door which closes with a perfect styrofoam 'thud'. The music cues cut in and out abruptly all over the climax. The theme song, bearing the original title "Vampire Hookers," is goofy and tasteless, like the rest of the movie, which gives you xenophobia (locals feed the sailors duck embryos) and homosexual panic (a cross-dresser at a urinal, plus the line "Hey! You've got balls!") in the first five minutes. But I am also responding to the fact that this is a film of legend, which Sean Welbourn described to me in wonderment back in Grade 11. It is the film with the guy who sucks his farts through a hose. This actually happens. What does NOT happen is, nobody says "Sounds like a fart - let's get out of here!" My world is shattered. But I guess it's better to know. I'm rating it low as a push to get it on the bottom 100, it's some kind of glory anyway.

"You've been talking for 136 years."

[bensonmum2 · 2/10 · 21 June 2006]

And to think that I've always felt sorry for some of the trash Boris Karloff was reduced to appearing in late in his career. But this thing that John Carradine made late in his career makes Karloff's Snake People look like Citizen Kane. It's embarrassing. Carradine is some sort of Shakespeare spouting vampire who uses a trio of vampire babes to help him lure his victims. It's supposed to be some sort of horror/comedy, but it's neither scary nor funny. The obviously plastic-toothed vampires in Vampire Hookers couldn't scare a three year old. And unless your idea of humor involves an overweight vampire who has a problem with gas, you won't find anything to laugh at. Oh, I suppose there are moments that are so bad they're almost funny, but the intentional attempts at comedy are utterly ridiculous. I'm being more than generous by giving this one an extra point on its rating for these moments of unintentional humor.

Vampire Hookers (1978)

[suspiria10 · 6/10 · 6 May 2009]

Rating…3 / 5 Genre…Horror, Vampires, Comedy, Filipino Cinema Director…Cirio H. Santiago Stars…John Carradine, Bruce Fairbairn, Trey Wilson, Karen Stride, Lenka Novak, Katie Dolan, Lex Winter, Leo Martinez, Vic Diaz, Erna Martha Bauman Synopsis…Two sailors are on leave in a Filipino port well on their way to looking for love in all the wrong places. After a beer brawl separates them one finds himself in the clutches a bevy of fanged beauties. It seems that a poetry spouting vamp (poor John Carradine) has set up shop uses his Vampire Hookers to nab unsuspecting prey ala Dracula and his brides.

Thoughts…Vampire Hookers is far from the worst thing I've ever seen it's silly as all hell but it still entertains none-the-less. The two bumbling sailors were obviously graduates with honors from the Bruce Campbell School of Cinematic Snickers with the screen shenanigans peaking with a stinky, flatulent vampire. You really have to feel for John Carradine who has horrible lines but at least he had most of his scenes with title bloodsuckers ("'cause blood is not all they suck").

In Conclusion…It's crude. It's silly. You know you want to see it.

"Coffins are for being laid to rest... not for being laid." - Fair enough I suppose! Average at best.

[poolandrews · 5/10 · 21 May 2006]

Vampire Hookers starts with a Vampire named Richmond Reed (John Carradine) talking incoherent nonsense to the camera, don't worry about it though as it happens a lot. Two U.S. Navy sailors & best buddies named Tom Buckley (Bruce Fairbairn) & Terry Wayne (Trey Wilson) are on shore leave in an exotic oriental port & decide to have a night on the town, lots of beer & plenty of women. Unfortunately the closest they come to scoring is a transsexual, then they meet up with another sailor named Eddie Taylor (Lex Winter) & his guide, a local taxi driver named Julio (Leo Martinez) who takes them to the San Francisco Bar where Julio introduces Eddie to a woman he knows called Cherish (Karen Stride). Eddie & Cherish then hop in Julio's taxi & Julio takes them to a cemetery where Cherish lives. Cherish takes Eddie down into a crypt where she introduces her two friends Suzy (Lenka Novak) & Marcy (Katie Dolan) plus head Vampire Reed who never changes his clothes, they all feast on his blood. When Eddie fails to return to base Tom & Terry become worried so they decide to look for him, they manage to find Cherish & see her get into a taxi with another man & they decide to follow her. They discover the truth but none of the authorities will believe them, it's down to Tom & Terry to put an end to the Vampire hookers bloodsucking ways...

This Philippine American co-production was directed by the prolific Cirio H. Santiago & Vampire Hookers was one of three films made by Santiago in '78, the other's being Hell Hole (1978) & Death Force (1978), which probably says a lot about the time & effort he puts into his films. The script by Howard R. Cohen is best described as an adult horror comedy, while it never quite satisfies in any department it has a certain something about. It's fairly entertaining to watch on a silly level, it moves along at a nice pace & isn't dull or boring & at less than 80 minutes long at least it's short. The story is virtually none existent, the character's are basic & John Carradine looks like a knob in that white suit & cowboy hat. The comedy comes mainly in the form of silly one-liners & a bit of slapstick, the funniest thing about Vampire Hookers has to be the dumb farting servant Pavo (Vic Diaz), there is a funny bit where he gets into a coffin & starts to fart so he has to breathe through a plastic tube! They may be juvenile & lowbrow but a joke about a fart can just raise a smile no matter what. The adult elements come in the form of the three Vampire Hookers & a 10 minute orgy scene which felt like it went on forever, it's not that graphic & I actually found it got pretty boring to watch. Horror wise we have John Carradine looking like he is about to fall over & die at any moment wearing the most hideous white suit, red bow-tie & cowboy hat bizarrely spouting lines of Shakespeare whom he claims was a Vampire. Well, that's as scary as Vampire Hookers gets anyway. Basically if you want your horror quite light hearted, not too taxing & fairly fun then Vampire Hookers might be worth a punt.

Director Santiago does an OK job although Vampire Hookers is basic, the sets are alright although I can't remember the last time I saw a stone tomb with an electric lid & revolving steps! Are the filmmakers seriously trying to sell those styrofoam bricks as real? They are the most fake looking bricks I've ever seen as bricks don't usually bounce. Vampire Hookers isn't really scary but it does have that 70's horror film atmosphere to it. Forget about any blood or gore as there isn't any apart from John boy shooting a rat with a crossbow, maybe a real one but the shot was very quick so I couldn't be sure.

The budget for this thing must have been low to say the least, the entire film looks like it was dubbed, even Carradine. Vampire Hookers looks OK & for the most part it's competent, fake bouncing bricks apart. The end credits feature the truly terrible 'Vampire Hookers, Blood is not all they Suck' theme song, don't forget to check it out! If you make it that far. The acting isn't up to much, by this stage of his career Carradine would appear in just about anything & he is far too old & he doesn't impress. The Vampire hookers themselves are alright to look at but their far from the best looking girls I've ever seen.

Vampire Hookers has a great title, how could anyone not be interested in a film called Vampire Hookers? Unfortunately as is so often the case the film itself fails to live up to expectations, it has little in the way of sex or nudity, has little in the way of blood, gore or horror & the funniest thing about it are the fart gags. Just about worth a watch but I doubt it will knock anyone's socks off.

A delightfully dumb lowbrow horror comedy riot

[Woodyanders · 8/10 · 26 November 2008]

Amiable horny sailors Tom Buckley (likable Bruce Fairbairn) and Terry Wayne (the equally engaging Trey Wilson of "Raising Arizona" fame) are looking for some female action while on shore leave in the Philippines. The duo run afoul of droll vampire count Richmond Reed (the ubiquitous John Carradine hamming it up with his usual eye-rolling aplomb) and his three gorgeous sex-starved bloodsucking nymphets Cherish (luscious brunette Karen Stride), Suzy (comely blonde Lenka Novak), and Marcy (deliciously voluptuous knockout Katie Dolan). Veteran exploitation feature director Cirio H. Santiago and screenwriter Howard R. Cohen offer a constant barrage of amusingly dumb jokes about such topics as eating duck, transvestites, the inevitable barroom brawl, and Bloody Mary drinks (groan!). This flick reaches its gloriously ghastly peak during a marvelously protracted ten minute orgy sequence set to crudely thumping and monotonous disco music that seems to go on forever. The cast have a field day with their broad parts: Fairbairn and Wilson make for affable leads, Carradine recites poetic dialogue with infectiously hearty gusto, and legendary Filipino B-movie favorite Vic Diaz is a gas (literally!) as Pavo, a bumbling idiotic servant who desperately wants to be a vampire and suffers from severe flatulence (he even backfires in his coffin!). Better still, Stride, Novak and Dolan are all smoking hot babes who aren't the least bit bashful about baring their beautiful bodies. Both the competent cinematography by Johnny Araojo and Ricardo Remias and Jamie Mendoza-Nava's generic ooga booga score are suitably cheesy. The goofy ending credits theme song is absolutely priceless. Sure, this picture is total schlock, but it's way too good-natured in its campy stupidity to either resist or dislike. A hilariously dippy hoot and a half.

"The last time I saw her it wasn't blood that she was sucking!"

[Stevieboy666 · 6/10 · 9 September 2021]

Vampire Hookers has two comedy American sailors go ashore in San Francisco, not California but The Philippines, looking for a good time (women and booze). They cross paths with a vampire called Richard Reed (played by horror legend John Carradine), his three sexy female vampire companions plus a funny character called Pavo (Vic Diaz). Pavo is not a vampire himself but he does sometimes wear false fangs, sleeps in a wooden box and farts a lot! Yes, this is a horror comedy, sexploitation, Grindhouse flick. I have been watching horror movies for over 40 years but until a couple of days ago I had never heard of this little movie. In addition to farting gags there are corny one liners throughout, "It's not my eardrums I want blowing", sailor - "That is not death, it's murder", vampire - "It's not murder, it's dinner!", and so on, and so on. I believe that horror/comedy is quite a hard genre to get right but credit to the makers, they did a fairly good job here. The film is very rich in colour and the vampire scenes reminded me of Euro Gothic horror, nicely shot. One sailor gets to make love to the three vampires, all at the same time. There is topless nudity and oral sex is implied, the scene goes on for a while but it is very soft in nature. Throw in a very catchy end credits song I found Vampire Hookers to be fun and utterly trashy in equal amounts, certainly not a classic but worth watching for a few good laughs, plus of course for the late Mr Carradine.

Just awful.

[Steve_Nyland · 2/10 · 4 October 2004]

I have been trying to make myself "like" this nearly unwatchable horror/comedy for a couple years now and am getting nowhere.

Shot in the Phillipines on the cheap, starring a bunch of nobodies and featuring John Carradine's most forgettable screen appearance as Count Dracula [though sharply outfitted with a white linen suit complete with Panama hat; he looks great!], VAMPIRE HOOKERS pretends to be kinky horror fare but wallows in fart jokes, transvestite jokes, racial humor and awful disco music. Nai Bonet's NOCTURNA with it's sleepy boogie scenes and breathtaking bathtub scene by it's star doesn't seem like such a bad movie after suffering through VAMPIRE HOOKERS again. At least they could dance -- all the jokes in HOOKERS fall flat on my eyes & ears, there is no real horror, and the question of whether or not there are really girls in this movie at all sort of reduces it all to a cringe inducing slog of 90 minutes. The fact that it seems to go on and on forever doesn't help, and while I am as nostalgic for the late 1970's as the next guy one can at least take heart in the fact that human kind effectively evolved beyond a state where movies like this are possible. If you've ever wondered why there hasn't been a re-release of this for the digital age, STOP, because people often find themselves getting exactly what they asked for and regretting it. Beyond a fabulous title, VAMPIRE HOOKERS is unredeemable, uninteresting crapola, and that is what Out of Print prior rental tapes were invented for.

Avoid it; * 1/2 out of a possible ****.

Vampire Hookers shouldn't have tanlines!

[FieCrier · 16 May 2002]

Vampire Hookers shouldn't have tanlines...

should they?

They're VAMPIRES!

Vampires don't sunbathe!

If the toothy beauties didn't get them, the critics would slaughter em'!

[mark.waltz · 2/10 · 10 February 2023]

Having been around since the early 1930s and made probably more films than practically everybody, Carradine patriarch John continued going as long as he could, showing up in this dreadfully unfunny spoof of the horror genre as an aged vampire pimp who uses a bunch of undead Filipino hookers to get plasma. With all the horny, dumb young sailors on leave, he won't have any issues, but obviously the critics had plenty of garlic and crucifixes at their beck and call to take this down.

Everybody seem to want to get into the act after Mel Brooks had a huge success with "Young Frankenstein", and while there were a few moderately enjoyable ones (David Niven as "Old Dracula" comes to mind), most of them truly were just lame and unwatchable, this one and "Transylvania 5000" at the top of my list. Carradine predictably overemotes, but is the only classy element about this, and even he doesn't make this worth watching all the way through.

"It's Not Murder, It's Dinner"

[CaptainSick · 4/10 · 17 January 2020]

This film is almost never funny intentionally. All the laughs come from the rushed dialogue, the odd pauses and fast responses, the awkward cuts and the I don't really give a crap about this shot attitude present in 80% of the movie. Is the acting bad? The worst. Is the Story bad? It's Vampire Hookers, the story is the title, if you don't want a laugh at that idea don't watch this movie. Fart Jokes Included.

This is a below average addition to the horror genre that's still worth seeing once

[kevin_robbins · 4/10 · 12 September 2022]

Vampire Hookers (1978) is a movie that I recently watched on Tubi. The storyline follows a vampire that has three wives that serve him and wants one more. The wives lure women back to the lair for them all to eat. As the husband vampire courts his next wife the other wives will need to teach her their ways.

This movie is directed by Cirio H. Santiago (Firecracker) and stars John Carradine (The Ten Commandments), Trey Wilson (Twins), Lenka Novak (Kentucky Fried Movie) and Vic Diaz (Black Mama White Mama).

This movie is about as uneven as it gets. I loved seeing John Carradine but most of this acting and writing is awful. The dialogue was awkward at times and a lot of the comedy was cheesy. The sailors were annoying characters but the fart sequence was hilarious. There is some classic 70s nudity in this.

Overall, this is a below average addition to the horror genre that's still worth seeing once. I would score this a 4/10.

Wow, this was bad...

[paul_haakonsen · 2/10 · 1 September 2023]

Needless to say that I had never heard about this 1978 horror comedy titled "Vampire Hookers" prior to stumbling upon it by random chance here in 2023. And given the movie's title, it being a horror comedy, and a movie that I hadn't already seen, of course I opted to sit down and watch it.

Well, I made it halfway through, then I just gave up. The narrative, script and storyline in "Vampire Hookers", as written by Howard R. Cohen, was just utter rubbish. It was incredibly boring to sit through, especially since nothing interesting happened, and having bland characters spew forth bland dialogue wasn't really working for me.

The acting performances in "Vampire Hookers" were a bag of mixed nuts. Some of the actors and actresses actually put on fair enough performances, while others delivered rigid performances that would make a wooden puppet jealous. So yeah, you're not in for an evening of Shakespearian theater here, not that I was expecting such.

The movie is listed as a horror comedy. But throughout the first half of the movie, which I managed to suffer through, there was nothing of neither comedy or horror to be seen anywhere. Unless wooden acting performances and pointless characters count as being horror.

This is not a movie that I will return to watch the rest of, because I simply have zero interest in the storyline and the characters. So there really is no point on prolonging the suffering.

My rating of director Cirio H. Santiago's 1978 movie "Vampire Hookers" lands on a two out of ten stars.

Vampires and hookers

[BandSAboutMovies · 4/10 · 10 January 2022]

Cemetery Girls, Vampire Hookers of Horror, Night of the Bloodsuckers, Sensuous Vampires and Twice Bitten. Whatever name we give this co-production of the Philippines and the United States - directed by the infamous Cirio H. Santiago - we can all appreciate that John Carradine plays the vampire Richmond Reed, who has hired a gang of women to draw in new blood for his veins.

Suzy (Lenka Novak, who made her first living as a nude model in Europe, appeared in Mayfair and had a brief career in films like Moonshine County Express and as one of the naked women in "Catholic High School Girls in Trouble" in The Kentucky Fried Movie), Cherish (Karen Stride, Three-Way Weekend) and Marcy (Katie Dolan, one and done with this movie) are the girls and yeah, you can see that Richmond Reed is a man with a great plan.

Vampire Hookers was written by Howard R. Cohen, who may have only lived 56 years on this planet, but still found the time and energy to be a party joke editor for Playboy, write books and also write Unholy Rollers, Stryker and episodes of The Care Bears and Rainbow Brite, as well as direct Saturday the 14th, Saturday the 14th Strikes Back and Deathstalker IV: Match of Titans.

Sure, the movie isn't great, but it did teach me that John Carradine's real name is Richmond Reed Carradine.

Hard to resist for this schlock fan.

[Hey_Sweden · 7/10 · 14 October 2012]

If you're looking for a cheerfully inane, lowbrow "late show" type of movie that just has fun with itself, look no further than Cirio H. Santiagos' "Vampire Hookers", an endearingly silly enterprise with gorgeous gals, a fair bit of atmosphere, and absolutely no shortage of fart gags.

John Carradine stars as Richmond Reed, suave blood sucking pimp with a trio of amazingly luscious ladies of the night - Cherish (Karen Stride), Suzy (Lenka Novak), and Marcy (Katie Dolan). They set their sights on a bumbling pair of horny Navy sailors, Tom (Bruce Fairbairn, 'The Rookies'), and Terry (Trey Wilson, "Raising Arizona") who've been out and about looking for a good time. Both Tom and Terry are cowards, but Tom can't resist the ladies for too long.

Even at 80 minutes, one can feel the padding on this thing, but it's good for laughs and cheap thrills all the way. Ever lovable Vic Diaz has one of the silliest parts of his career as the servant to Reed and his girls, a man who desperately wants to be a vampire but who has an uncontrollable flatulence problem that makes lying in a coffin difficult. Fairbairn and Wilson are a reasonably engaging comedy pair, with Wilson particularly funny as a guy who feels the need to tell a certain story over and over. Stride, Novak, and Dolan are oh so delectable and help to keep the movie compulsively watchable, while the always reliable Carradine is clearly having a whale of a time as the dapper villain who just loves to quote poetry, and who informs us that while Shakespeare was a vampire, Walt Whitman was not. The music by Jaime Mendoza-Nava is enjoyable, as are the various sets. Best of all, there's a folksy title theme song playing over the end credits (as the main actors get a curtain call) that is simply awesome. You've just gotta hear it.

All in all, this is an agreeable midnight movie for genre fans looking for some undemanding fun.

Seven out of 10.

Bad (but very funny) low budget vampire movie

[robertmurray-70637 · 10/10 · 4 January 2024]

A vampire movie that isn't afraid to make fun of itself. Examples: it has a vampire wannabe who frequently farts, two US Navy sailors who are possibly the dumbest sailors I've ever seen (I spent 4 years in the Navy), a young female vampire who only regrets she can't go out into the sun to get a tan (although she has tanlines when she takes off her top), a vampire leader who quotes Shakespeare, and a duck egg. You might not think a duck egg is funny until you see it what happens to it. I think this was shot in the Phillipines ... Filipinos LOVE vampire movies, by the way. Usually they are serious but this one was done for laughs. A great movie to watch if you are one of those people who loves "bad" movies. How did MST 3000 miss this one?

Vic Diaz is like a Filipino Lon Chaney Jr.

[verbusen · 7/10 · 19 February 2019]

I would only recommend this film for exploitation film fans or those that like to make fun of low budget films. I watched this being riffed at from a movie host on the Sleazy After Dark Show on OSI74 online network. Sleazy is part of the hard rock band Gwar who is a manager character who pushes crack cocaine on them to control their minds. In his movie host show he introduces the film and interjects during it but not to the non stop extent of Mystery Science Theater 3000. This film is rated R for an extended soft core scene but not much else. The soft porn parts are really bad showing minutes of kissing up close, lame. The film is memorable for me as a John Carradine fan and also because I was a sailor who went to the Philippines in the 1980s. Its interesting to look at Subic Bay back then, they really downplayed it as far as the women in the streets showing mostly school girls and maids it seemed. The sailors are entirely too naive to be like that eating balut eggs. I had to "eat" one for my crossing the equator ceremony and it was a big phobia to do, I'm glad I talked my way out from having to swallow that stuff. Watch this film being riffed and you will enjoy it a lot more. Vic Diaz is like a Filipino Lon Chaney and has some good material here trying to see if he is a vampire by looking in a mirror (Filipino Renfield). Could have been much better but I enjoyed the riffed version, 7 of 10.

Classic Trash

[Michael_Elliott · 30 October 2008]

Vampire Hookers (1978)

** (out of 4)

A rather insane horror film from the Philippines has a couple sailors on leave when they notice a buddy taken to a cemetery by a hooker. When their buddy doesn't show back up they go out looking for him and discover a vampire pimp (John Carradine) and his three vampire hookers. This is a really stupid film that is pure exploitation but if you enjoy bad movies then there's enough here to keep you going. If the thought of a fair to poor movie scares you then it's best you stay away from this one. The movie is incredibly stupid on so many levels and that includes dialogue like "Coffins are for being laid to rest...not for being laid". You also have exploitation legend Vic Diaz playing a loser who wants to be a vampire but can't help farting inside his coffin, which keeps him from being able to sleep at night. The performances, as expected, are beyond bad and that includes the three hookers, although thankfully they do get naked. They get naked during a nearly ten-minute orgy scene, which has to be one of the worst ones ever filmed. Then we have Carradine who is once again playing a vampire and here we get to see him with fake plastic fangs. He appears to be having fun at the age of 72 so you can't blame him. The Philippines have delivered all sorts of strange exploitation films over the past few decades but none of nutty as this one here. It's certainly trash but just sit back and try to laugh. And don't forget to stay tuned during the closing credits to here the song "Vampire Hookers (They Suck More Than Blood)".

Entertaining and fun

[PeterBradford · 7/10 · 29 June 2021]

Hard to believe this was shot on 16mm film, as it looks great. Well-lit, colorful costumes on the babes, atmospheric sets, and overall good cinematography. John Carradine, in one of his later-career starring roles, is terrific. He actually gets a lot of screen time, unlike in the 80s when he was relegated to cameos. Bruce Fairbairn, who starred on TV's "The Rookies," is great in a leading role. He's an actor who should have gotten a lot more work.