Quotes (43)

[a candy-striper, with a 'Buffy' nametag, approaches Violet who's hauling a dead corpse on a gurny under a sheet]

Buffy: Excuse me. Could you tell me where the coffee shop is?

Violet Newstead: [nervous tone] The what?

Buffy: The coffee shop.

Violet Newstead: The coffee shop? No, I'm new here, I don't drink coffee.

Buffy: I'm new here too. Where do you work?

Violet Newstead: Uh... downstairs.

Buffy: In the morgue?

Violet Newstead: [nervous tone] Yes, that's right!

Buffy: [looks at the body on the gurny] How did he... ?

Violet Newstead: Coffee... too much coffee. I'm just taking him out for some air. Uh, I mean fresh air for me, he's just coming along for the ride.

[Buffy gasps]

Violet Newstead: *What?*

Buffy: Oh, you're a doctor! I'm sorry, I didn't see your badge.

[Violet looks at the badge and finally realizes that the white lab coat she's stolen is a doctor's]

Violet Newstead: Oh yeah... I'm a doctor. So why the hell am I talking to you? Piss off!

Doralee Rhodes: Well, I say we hire a couple'a wranglers to go upstairs and beat the shit out of him.

[Violet's fantasy - she's Snow White and Hart is the villain]

Violet Newstead: Your coffee, Mr. Hart.

[Hart drinks the coffee, steam comes from his ears, he screams and his head spins around on his neck]

Franklin Hart, Jr.: I think there was something in that coffee.

Violet Newstead: I think you're right.

Franklin Hart, Jr.: I think it was poison.

Violet Newstead: Right again.

Franklin Hart, Jr.: I think you did it.

Violet Newstead: [singing] Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

[sticks tongue out]

Franklin Hart, Jr.: Why?

Violet Newstead: Why do you think?

Franklin Hart, Jr.: Because I'm a sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical bigot?

Violet Newstead: Bingo.

Violet Newstead: One thing you should know about dear old Roz... She's the eyes, ears, nose, and throat of Mr. Hart. Anything she hears, he hears.

Judy Bernly: You mean she's a... a company spy?

Violet Newstead: I wouldn't exactly say that, I'd just say that if you want to gossip in the ladies' room, I'd check under the stalls, first, for her shoes.

Violet Newstead: Oh, God. They know about the rat poison. I might as well just turn myself in.

Doralee Rhodes: Violet, it was an accident.

Violet Newstead: I'm a murderer.

Judy Bernly: No, you're not.

Violet Newstead: I'm a murderess. I'm gonna go to the pen. My poor kids. I'm gonna lose my job.

Judy Bernly: Violet, stop this.

Violet Newstead: I'm no fool. I've killed the boss, you think they're not gonna fire me for a thing like that?

Violet Newstead: He wants to prosecute.

Doralee Rhodes: Well why wouldn't he? He's got you for poisoning him, and me for roping him, and *you* for acting like he was first prize at a turkey shoot!

Violet Newstead: What could we use to keep Hart quiet?

Judy Bernly: Blackmail?

Violet Newstead: Blackmail, oh that sounds good! What could we get on him...?

Judy Bernly: A sex scandal! Take a picture of him in bed with a prositute.

Doralee Rhodes: No, who'd care?

Violet Newstead: Yeah, Hart would just buy up all the copies and then distribute them as Christmas cards.

Violet Newstead: What are you, a man or a mouse? I mean, a woman or a wouse?

Franklin Hart, Jr.: [Hart is about to be "promoted," and shanghaied from CC to Brazil, by Tinsworthy] Mister Tinsworthy, I can't tell you how much I appreciate this; but...

Tinsworthy: So you accept. Very good. Let's just go on up to Hinkle's office and work out the details, shall we?

Franklin Hart, Jr.: How can I move to Brazil?

Tinsworthy: Oh, we're talking about an indefinite leave of absence. I'll have my own people liquidate your assets, so you won't need to hire a house-sitter. And you've done an incredible job of training your assistants, so we'll let them take over. Violet, how would you like to fill this man's shoes?

[He doesn't even wait for her response]

Tinsworthy: Good. The spot's yours. Keep making us proud.

[She beams, while Tinsworthy marches Hart into the elevator]

Franklin Hart, Jr.: Mister Tinsworthy, the jungle...

Tinsworthy: Jungle, hell! I'm offering you the chance of a lifetime! Two or three years down there, and you'll never wanna come back.

Franklin Hart, Jr.: [stutters uncontrollably] D-d-did y-you s-say *years*?

Tinsworthy: Yeah, the climate down there will do your health a world of good. Besides, I hear your wife just LOVES to travel.

Franklin Hart, Jr.: My wife? Oh, God...! Really, Mister Tinsworthy, I just...!

Tinsworthy: [firmly cutting him off] Hart! Before you say another word, let me make this perfectly clear: I didn't get where I'm at today by taking "no" for an answer! That said, welcome aboard. You know, in the words of Humphrey Bogart, "I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship".

Franklin Hart, Jr.: [feebly to himself as the elevator doors close] Brazil...? I guess it beats Alcatraz.

Doralee Rhodes: That's just great! We just waltz into the hospital and say, "We're sorry, we made a mistake." Well, maybe they'll give us Hart's body in exchange!

Violet Newstead: There is no need to get sarcastic!

Margaret: [repeated Line] Atta Girl!

Violet Newstead: Okay, I'm gonna leave, but let me tell you one thing before I go: don't you *ever* refer to me as "your girl" again.

Franklin Hart, Jr.: What in God's name are you talking about?

[Doralee enters]

Franklin Hart, Jr.: Doralee, now what are we gonna do about this chair?

Violet Newstead: I'll tell you what I'm talking about: I'm no girl; I'm a woman, do you hear me? I'm not your wife - thank God - or your mother...

[gesturing toward Doralee]

Violet Newstead: ... or even your mistress.

Doralee Rhodes: [shocked] What?

Violet Newstead: I am your *employee* and, as such, I expect to be treated equally, with a little dignity and a little respect!

Doralee Rhodes: What do you mean, *mistress*?

Violet Newstead: Doralee, just come off it, for God's sake. The whole office knows you two are having an affair.

Doralee Rhodes: WHO'S BEEN SAYING WE'RE HAVING AN AFFAIR?

Violet Newstead: Who's been saying it? HE has.

[leaves]

Doralee Rhodes: What? So! You've been telling everybody I'm sleeping with you, huh? Well, that explains it; that's why these people treat me like some dime-store floozy. They all think I'm screwing the boss!

Franklin Hart, Jr.: No, no... That's not it at all...!

Doralee Rhodes: Oh, and you just love it, don't you! It gives you some sort of cheap thrill, like knocking over pencils, and picking up papers...

Franklin Hart, Jr.: Doralee, let's don't get excited here...

Doralee Rhodes: Get your scummy hands off me. Look, I've been straight with you since the first day I got here. And I've put up will all your groping and ogling and hollow apologies and chasing me around the desk, because I need this job. BUT THIS IS THE LAST STRAW!

Franklin Hart, Jr.: All right, now, let's... Let's just sit down here and...

Doralee Rhodes: Look, I've got a gun out there in my purse. And up to now, I've been forgiving and forgetting because of the way I was brought up. But I'll tell you one thing: If you ever say another word about me or make another indecent proposal, I'm gonna get that gun of mine... And I'm gonna change you from a rooster to a hen with one shot!

[calls back over her shoulder while storming out of the office]

Doralee Rhodes: DON'T THINK I CAN'T DO IT!

[slams the door and then keeps going]

Judy Bernly: What did you say it was called?

[Passes joint to Violet]

Violet Newstead: Maui Wowee!

Judy Bernly: Well, I love it!

Violet Newstead: It's *primo!*

Franklin Hart, Jr.: [Judy's fantasy - she's a big game hunter and Hart is the prey] Judy? Judy, you've got to help me; that mob out there is crazy; they're trying to kill me!

Judy Bernly: Now, why would they want ot do a nasty little thing like that?

Franklin Hart, Jr.: I don't know! I'm not such a bad guy!

Judy Bernly: You're a sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical bigot.

Franklin Hart, Jr.: So I have a few faults; who doesn't? Is that any reason to kill me?

Judy Bernly: You're foul, Hart. A wart on the nose of humanity and I'm going to blast it off.

[she points her shotgun at him]

Franklin Hart, Jr.: [giggling nervously] Judy... Judy... Judy...

Judy Bernly: Goodbye boss man. It's quittin' time.

[Doralee's fantasy - she is a rodeo competitor and the boss is her target]

Rodeo Announcer: [voice-over] And he's out of the shute ladies and gentlemen, he's out of the shute. The pen is open and that's a mean-looking bronc. Our next contender is Miss Doralee Rhodes. Whoa, she's already got him! Now, let's see how long it takes her to hogtie this sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical bigot. Five seconds! Just five seconds! And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen, five seconds for Miss Doralee Rhodes.

Doralee Rhodes: You know... I just don't get it, Dwayne.

Dwayne Rhodes: What's that, honey?

Doralee Rhodes: I'm as nice as I know how to be to every single person in that office. Everyone treats *me* like a... *bastard* at a family reunion.

[in Doralee's fantasy, she's the boss making advances toward her secretary Hart]

Franklin Hart, Jr.: Mrs. Rhodes... I am a married man.

Doralee Rhodes: Forget about your wife! I mean, you may be hers in the evening, but you're my boy from nine to five!

Doralee Rhodes: [Hart mistakenly believes Doralee, Violet and Judy have attempted to murder him] ... But it really was a mistake, Mr. Hart! Violet put the poison in strictly by *accident*!

Franklin Hart, Jr.: Oh, really? Well, she might be able to get a jury and the press to believe that; then again, she might not. But I think the real question, here, is whether or not *you* want to take that chance.

Doralee Rhodes: Just what are you driving at?

Franklin Hart, Jr.: It's very simple. You come over to my house for the night, and I'll forget the whole thing - maybe.

Doralee Rhodes: [disgusted] Mr. Hart, you are a *MONSTER*!

Franklin Hart, Jr.: Is that a "no"? Too bad.

Doralee Rhodes: Mr. Hart, I'm begging you, think about what you're doing here! Do you really wanna destroy all three of our lives, for no reason?

Franklin Hart, Jr.: I'm not the one who started this; it was you three who did the plotting, and now you gotta pay the consequences.

Doralee Rhodes: Well, I'm not gonna let you do this!

[She rips out the cord for his desk-phone]

Franklin Hart, Jr.: There's another phone over there, Doralee... which reminds me of something else I wanted to talk with you about. See, I have a great sense of humor about most things...

[He holds up the scarf which Violet was tricked into buying for Doralee]

Franklin Hart, Jr.: ... But I just don't appreciate it, at all, when people like you give back my presents.

Doralee Rhodes: You are *rotten*, Mr. Hart; has anybody ever told you that? I don't know whether you were born this way, or whether you actually had to work on it, but you are *EVIL*!

Franklin Hart, Jr.: Oh, good. I love when you get angry like that.

[He reaches for his other phone]

Doralee Rhodes: Mr. Hart, if you touch that phone, I'm gonna jerk it clean out of the wall!

[With an exaggerated diabolical laugh, he sticks his finger in the dial. She wrenches his hand away from the phone, and behind his back, with a force that nearly snaps his wrist. Then she hog-ties him with the cord and gags him with the scarf]

Eddie: How am I supposed to get out of this mail room prison if they keep hiring people from the outside?

[to Judy Bernly]

Eddie: Lady, you're gonna *hate* it, here.

Dick: [after seeing Hart tied up and drawing the wrong conclusion] So! This is what you're into now. Bondage, S&M, sex games!

Judy Bernly: [thinking fast] Uh... that's right, all of it! I'm into... everything. Now, get out of here!

Dick: Who is that guy?

Judy Bernly: He's my boss.

Dick: Oh, so you're having an affair with your boss, huh? Isn't that typical!

Judy Bernly: Just like you had an affair with your secretary! Getting her PREGNANT, no less!

Dick: But, Judy, this isn't you at all! You can't be serious about this!

Judy Bernly: Don't you tell me what I can or can't be serious about, or what is or isn't me! If I want to play S&S and M&M and all those other bondage games, or even smoke pot, that's my business!

Dick: Smoking pot? I can see what all that has done to you...! And to think I actually came here tonight and asked you to come back to me! HA!

Judy Bernly: "HA" is right! Would *you* come back to you? Remember, you're the one who wanted the divorce; *I* wanted to hire a marriage counselor and patch things up, but NO-OOO! Not that I'm ungrateful; actually, I opened a bottle of wine the day after you flew off with Liza!

Dick: If that's the way you feel, then there's nothing more to say.

Judy Bernly: Oh, yes there is!... HIT THE ROAD, BUSTER! THIS IS WHERE YOU GET OFF!

[shoves him out of the house and slams the door after him]

Doralee Rhodes: Is that one of those marijuana cigarettes?

Violet Newstead: [Under her breath] We don't have enough for everyone, cool it!

Judy Bernly: [the girls have stolen the wrong body from the hospital] Oh, this is terrible. It's so improper. It's so disrespectful!

Violet Newstead: He's dead! He doesn't mind!

Violet Newstead: [she's about to give Judy a guided tour of Hart's floor] ... Welcome to the front lines.

[sees Roz approaching]

Violet Newstead: Uh oh, here comes Colonel Klink.

Doralee Rhodes: [stepping out from behind the car after seeing that the wrong corpse is in the trunk of the car] Uh, Judy? Would you come back here for a second?

Judy Bernly: What?

Doralee Rhodes: Look.

Judy Bernly: Who's that?

Doralee Rhodes: I don't know.

Judy Bernly: Where's Hart?

Doralee Rhodes: I don't know.

Judy Bernly: Oh, my God, you mean she... *oh my god!*

Doralee Rhodes: [stepping out from beind the car] Violet, honey, would you come over here for a second?

Violet Newstead: What is the matter with you two? We have got to get the - who is that?

Janitress: [seeing the corpse hidden in the bathroom, sitting in a wheelchair] Hey, Vera. We've got another stiff in the john.

[Violet, planning to get rid of a dead corpse from the hospital that she thinks is Hart's body, drives crazily and speeds along the highway with Doralee and Judy in the car with her]

Judy Bernly: Where's the body?

Violet Newstead: In the trunk! Look, all we have to do is get some cement blocks, chain them to his feet and pitch him off the end of the pier, and no one will ever know.

Doralee Rhodes: You are crazy! They'll find it, they always find it!

Violet Newstead: Oh-hoh, crazy am I? They never found Jimmy Hoffa!

[last lines]

Roz: Holy merde!

Violet Newstead: [about Judy] But Norman, she has never worked a day in her life before.

Norman Lane: I thought you'd be sympathetic.

Violet Newstead: I am sympathetic, Norman, but please, why do I have to train her? Let her go work in somebody else's section.

Norman Lane: She's very willing and she needs the job, she's recently divorced.

Violet Newstead: So, and I'm a widow with 4 kids; Jerry should have never died, I could - I'd have been better off, I could have divorced him. Is that her?

Norman Lane: Yes.

Violet Newstead: We're gonna need a special locker for the hat.

Roz: Here, Violet, you can put this up on the bulletin board.

Violet Newstead: Thanks, Roz, I know just where to *stick* it.

Violet Newstead: I have to go shopping. We're running out of everything: cat food, fish food, ant spray, rat poison.

Roz: Did you get my memo?

Violet Newstead: [ambiguously] I did, Roz. I tore right through it.

Violet Newstead: [getting high with the other two women and discussing Hart] I don't think I could ever shoot a gun, I don't care... I can't understand guys like Hart, who go out and shoot things, like Bambi and Thumper... and that cute little skunk?

Judy Bernly: You gave me your word that you wouldn't escape if I loosened the ropes.

Franklin Hart, Jr.: I lied!

Violet Newstead: I guess I must've made a mistake.

Doralee Rhodes: You steal the wrong body from the hospital and all you can say is I must have made a mistake!

Violet Newstead: It could happen to anyone.

Violet Newstead: [Hart has recently stolen Violet's plan for color-coding CC's accounts, presenting said plan as his own; Violet let him do so, hoping that he'll compensate by giving her a promotion scheduled for the near future. But, instead...] ... How dare you give that promotion to *Bob Enright* instead of me! I've got *five years* seniority over him!

Franklin Hart, Jr.: I know that. Don't go flying off the handle, now...

Violet Newstead: For Chrissakes, I *trained* him - just like I trained *you*!

Franklin Hart, Jr.: I know that, too, but the Company...

Violet Newstead: Don't you give me that song-and-dance about the Company! It was *your* decision; *you* promoted him; just tell me why.

Franklin Hart, Jr.: First of all, Bob does have a college degree...

Violet Newstead: What kind? Is it a Master's Degree, like mine? Or is it just a Bachelor's Degree?

Franklin Hart, Jr.: ...It's an Associate's Degree.

Violet Newstead: Oh, *brilliant*! While he's earning his pathetic little *Associate's* Degree, I'm working my hands to the bone for this Company!

Franklin Hart, Jr.: Second of all, Bob does have a wife and a newborn child to support...

Violet Newstead: And *I'm* just a *widow*, with *four teenagers*? Since when does that make a difference, anyhow? Especially to you; you can't stand kids! That's not exactly classified information around here.

Franklin Hart, Jr.: Violet. My hands are tied. *The Company needs a MAN in this position*. Surveys show that clients would rather deal with men when it comes to figures.

Violet Newstead: Oh, now I get it. I lose a promotion because of some idiotic, biased *survey*. The Boys in the Club are all threatened and intimidated by any woman who doesn't ride at the back of the proverbial bus.

Franklin Hart, Jr.: Spare me the Women's Lib crap, all right? Now, I know how you feel, and I understand.

Violet Newstead: How could you understand, when you've never been passed over for being the wrong gender?

[repeated line]

Judy Bernly: Don't panic! Don't panic!

Violet Newstead: Hey, I just got some bad news. It's a telex from the head office in New York. They received our request, but due to a new computer system download and overhaul at their office... they won't be able to send us the invoices from Ajax Warehouse for another month - four to six weeks.

Judy Bernly: Four to six weeks! We have to keep Hart tied up all that time?

Violet Newstead: [shrugs] Do we have a choice?

Doralee Rhodes: Yeah, I think we can pull it off. I really do. Until today, I never knew just how unpopular Hart is around here. Believe me, nobody in this whole building wants to face that man, not if they can avoid it!

Judy Bernly: Except the one person who WOULD want to.

Violet Newstead: Yeah, Roz. Not that it doesn't add up; she's even less popular than he is... So what are we going to do about her?

Judy Bernly: Why don't we send Roz away on vacation?

Violet Newstead: Judy, a vacation is only two weeks. We've got to keep her away longer then that.

Judy Bernly: Hey, I've got a better idea. Have you ever heard of those Aspen language schools in Europe where they send executives to learn foreign languages? Why don't we send her there?

Violet Newstead: You know, that idea's not half-bad. We could write it up that it's... top secret. Consolidated is looking to open overseas offices in Europe and they need executives who can... speak French or something. We could enroll Roz at one of those schools in Paris and send her there for a six-week learning course to take.

Judy Bernly: But will she go?

Doralee Rhodes: Are you kidding? If Hart asked her?

[the captive Franklin Hart, tied down to his bed, has just been informed by Judy and Company about their finding the company-owned Ajax Warehouse cleaned out]

Franklin Hart, Jr.: An empty warehouse? What's wrong with that?

Violet Newstead: That's what Billy Sol Estes said, remember? He got 15 years on Alcatraz for embezzlement.

Judy Bernly: That warehouse is supposed to be filled with inventory from Consolidated. But you sold all of it and you pocketed the money... which explains how you could afford this mansion.

Doralee Rhodes: We keep underrating you, fella. We always knew you were an obnoxious, philandering, sexist backstabber... but we didn't realize you were a crook to boot.

Franklin Hart, Jr.: You'll never be able to prove any of that.

Violet Newstead: Well, I'm gonna order the invoices from CC's head office on Monday. I think you'll see things our way, once they arrive.

Franklin Hart, Jr.: [getting angry] You tangle with me, and I hope you're prepared to play dirty and rough. I'll be damned if I let myself be stopped by three dim-witted broads! I'm gonna get...

[struggling against the ropes]

Franklin Hart, Jr.: I'm gonna get loose, even if I have to kill someone to do it!

[repeated line]

Franklin Hart, Jr.: Holy shit!

Judy Bernly: What are we going to do? Roz is coming back from Paris this Friday after completing her six-week schooling of French. What if we still don't get the Ajax Warehouse invoices then?

Doralee Rhodes: Well... if she gives us anymore trouble, we'll just send her back to that language school and this time, let her learn to speak German!

Judy Bernly: All I've done is be a housewife.

Roz: [departing for a bogus journey to learn French, reading from a manual] Bonjour... bonjour... bonjour! Hmmm.