Caddyshack (1980)
Ted Knight: Judge Elihu Smails
Photos
Quotes
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Judge Smails : You know, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean, he's been club champion for three years running and I'm no slouch myself.
Ty Webb : Don't sell yourself short Judge, you're a tremendous slouch.
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Judge Smails : I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
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[Ty has just been asked by Al to partner up against Judge Smails in a $20,000-per-person golf match]
Judge Smails : Can I have a word with you? ln private?
Ty Webb : Sure thing, Judge.
Judge Smails : Listen, your father and I prepped together, went to war together, played golf together. We built this club, he and I. And let's face it, some people simply do not *belong*. Let's not... cave in too easy. What do you say, Ty?
[Smails and Ty start to laugh]
Ty Webb : Let's make it $40,000.
Al Czervik : Hey, great!
Ty Webb : [to a glaring Smails] You know, Judge, my dad... never liked you.
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Spalding Smails : I want a hamburger... no, cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake. I want potato chips. I want...
[gets cut off by Judge Smails, who grabs him by the arms and yanks him to their table]
Judge Smails : You'll get nothing, and like it!
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Judge Smails : Spaulding, get dressed you're playing golf.
Spalding Smails : No I'm not grandpa I'm playing tennis.
Judge Smails : You're playing golf and you're going to like it.
Spalding Smails : What about my asthma?
Judge Smails : I'll give you asthma.
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Judge Smails : Well? We're waiting!
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Judge Smails : You - you will never be a member of Bushwood!
Al Czervik : A member? You think I actually want to join this scumatorium? The only reason I'm here is because I might buy it!
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Tony D'Annunzio : Another Rob Roy, Bishop?
Bishop : You never ask a Navy man if he'll have another drink, because it's nobody's goddamned business how many drinks he's had already, right?
Judge Smails : Wrong! You're drinking too much, Your Excellency.
Bishop : Excellency, fiddlesticks! My name's Fred and I'm a man, same as you.
Judge Smails : You're not a man, you're a bishop, for God's sakes.
Bishop : There is no God...
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Danny Noonan : I planned to go to law school after I graduated, but it looks like my folks won't have enough money to put me through college.
Judge Smails : Well, the world needs ditch diggers, too.
Lacey Underall : [to Danny] Nice try.
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Judge Smails : Danny, I'm having a party this weekend.
[pauses a beat]
Judge Smails : How would you like to come over and mow my lawn?
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[Judge Smails is preparing to hit the ball on the first tee while Al Czervick watches]
Al Czervik : Hey 'Whitey,' where's your hat?
[Smails looks over at Czervick, who is watching anxiously]
Al Czervik : ...let's go while we're young!
Judge Smails : Mind Sir? Trying to tee off.
Al Czervik : ...I bet ya slice into the woods! A hundred bucks!
Judge Smails : Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I never slice.
[the judge hits the ball, and it goes flying into some trees, in response, he shouts in frustration]
Al Czervik : Okay, you can owe me!
Judge Smails : [mad] I owe you nothing!
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Judge Smails : [to Bishop Fred Pickering] Say, Fred, did you hear the one about the Jew, the Catholic, and the colored boy who went to heaven?
Bishop : Yeah, Judge, that's a doozy.
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[Danny walks inside Judge Smails' office, where Smails is seated around, and has a seat, awaiting his disciplinary action for his involvement with Lacey]
Danny Noonan : Judge Smails, sir?
Judge Smails : [not realizing Danny's already seated] Sit down, Danny.
[turns around in his chair, slightly hitting his desk; Both Danny and Smails tries to see their faces]
Judge Smails : Danny, I think you know why you are here, so I'll... do us both the courtesy of not reviewing what happened yesterday...
[angrily shoves the lamp to the side, but calms down]
Judge Smails : Sorry. My niece is the kind of girl who has a certain... zest of living. The last thing any of us need right now is a lot of loose talk about her behavior.
Danny Noonan : I swear, I didn't tell anybody anything, sir.
Judge Smails : [relief sigh] Good. Good, good.
[stands up]
Judge Smails : You know, despite what happened, I-I'm still convinced you have many fine qualities and I... I think you can still become a gentleman some day if you understand and abide by the rules of decent society.
[pats Danny on his shoulder]
Judge Smails : Danny, Danny, there's a lot of, uh, well, badness in the world today. I see it in court today. I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't wanna do it, but felt I owed it to them. The most important decision you can make right now is what do you stand for, Danny? Goodness... or badness?
Danny Noonan : I know I make some bad mistakes in the past. I'm willing to make up for that. I wanna be good.
Judge Smails : Good. Good, very good. You know, I... I know how hard it is for young people today and I wanna help. Well, just ask my grandson, Spaulding. He and I are regular pals. Are you my pal, Mr. scholarship winner?
Danny Noonan : [shakes Smails' hand] Yes, sir. I'm your pal.
Judge Smails : [chuckles] How 'bout a Fresca?
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Judge Smails : How about a Fresca?
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Judge Smails : I demand satisfaction.
Al Czervik : [mocking] You demand satisfaction? Well I'll tell you what's satisfying: *cash*. I'll shoot you 18 holes for ten thousand bucks!
Judge Smails : [laughs] Wha... I could beat you with one arm!
Al Czervik : Well, how about teams then, for twenty thousand? You can have Dr. Frankenputz...
Dr. Beeper : [mortified] I beg your pardon!
Al Czervik : And I'll take Ty, here.
Ty Webb : Wait a minute guys... I don't play golf... for money... against people.
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Judge Smails : Ty, what did you shoot today?
Ty Webb : Oh, Judge, I don't keep score.
Judge Smails : Then how do you measure yourself with other golfers?
Ty Webb : By height.
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Judge Smails : Don't you people have homes?
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Judge Smails : It's easy to grin / When your ship comes in / And you've got the stock market beat. / But the man worthwhile, / Is the man who can smile, / When his shorts are too tight in the seat.
[chuckles several times]
Judge Smails : Okay, Pookie. Do the honors.
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Judge Smails : McFiddish, do you know what I just saw? A gopher. Do you know what gophers can do to a golf course?
Groundskeeper Sandy : Aye, Sir. I think they're tunneling in from that construction site over yonder.
Judge Smails : Czervik Construction Company? Well, I slap an injunction on them so fast it'll make their head spin.
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Spalding Smails : Turds.
Judge Smails : Spaulding, how many times have I spoken to you about your language?
Spalding Smails : Sorry grandpa I forgot.
Judge Smails : Oh Dr. Beeper, Bishop Pickering this is my niece Lacey Underall. Lacey's mother sent her to us for the summer.
Dr. Beeper : Must be a nice change from dreary old Manhattan.
Lacey Underall : Yes I was really getting tired of having fun all the time.
Judge Smails : Ah. Ho ho. Ha ha ha.
Spalding Smails : Double turds.
Judge Smails : *Spaulding*!
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Judge Elihu Smails : You're no gentleman!
Al Czervik : I'm no doorknob either, alright?
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Al Czervik : How are you, boys? Hey, we're both starving. When do we eat?
Judge Elihu Smails : You! You! You have worn out your welcome at Bushwood, sir!
Al Czervik : Is that so? Well, who made you Pope of this dump? Huh?
Judge Elihu Smails : Bushwood - a "dump"? Well, I'll guarantee you'll never be a member here!
Al Czervik : A member? Are you kidding? You think I'd join this crummy "snobatorium"? Why, this whole place sucks!
Judge Elihu Smails : Su..su..su..su..su...
Al Czervik : That's right. It sucks! The only reason I'm here is maybe I'll buy it.
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Judge Smails : Ohhh, Porterhouse!
Smoke Porterhouse : Yes SIR! Yes sir, Judge. Yes sir.
Judge Smails : Look at the wax build up on those shoes. This is fine leather. I want that wax stripped off there, then I want them creamed and buffed with a fine chamois. And I want them now. Chop chop.
Smoke Porterhouse : You got it. Got 'em, Judge.
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Judge Smails : Do you stand for *goodness*, or - for *badness*?
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Al Czervik : What're we, waiting for these guys? Hey Whitey, where's your hat?
Judge Smails : Do you mind, sir. I'm trying to tee off.
Al Czervik : I'll bet you a hundred bucks you slice it into the woods.
Judge Smails : Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I never slice.
[Swings club, slices ball into woods]
Judge Smails : *Damn*.
Al Czervik : OK, you can owe me.
Judge Smails : I owe you nothing.
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Judge Smails : Yes. Yes. Winter rules.
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Judge Smails : Don't you people have jobs?
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Judge Smails : Spalding get your foot off the boat!
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Ty Webb : Actually, Judge, I think it's up to us to pick our substitute.
Judge Elihu Smails : Well, who do you want?
Ty Webb : Sonja Henie's out. We'll take Danny Noonan.
