Caddyshack (1980)

Ted Knight: Judge Elihu Smails

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Judge Smails : You know, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean, he's been club champion for three years running and I'm no slouch myself.

  Ty Webb : Don't sell yourself short Judge, you're a tremendous slouch.

• Judge Smails : I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.

• Spalding Smails : I want a hamburger... no, cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake. I want potato chips. I want...

  [gets cut off by Judge Smails, who grabs him by the arms and yanks him to their table] 

  Judge Smails : You'll get nothing, and like it!

• Judge Smails : Spaulding, get dressed you're playing golf.

  Spalding Smails : No I'm not grandpa I'm playing tennis.

  Judge Smails : You're playing golf and you're going to like it.

  Spalding Smails : What about my asthma?

  Judge Smails : I'll give you asthma.

• [Ty has just been asked by Al to partner up against Judge Smails in a $20,000-per-person golf match] 

  Judge Smails : Can I have a word with you? ln private?

  Ty Webb : Sure thing, Judge.

  Judge Smails : Listen, your father and I prepped together, went to war together, played golf together. We built this club, he and I. And let's face it, some people simply do not *belong*. Let's not... cave in too easy. What do you say, Ty?

  [Smails and Ty start to laugh] 

  Ty Webb : Let's make it $40,000.

  Al Czervik : Hey, great!

  Ty Webb : [to a glaring Smails]  You know, Judge, my dad... never liked you.

• Judge Smails : Well? We're waiting!

• Tony D'Annunzio : Another Rob Roy, Bishop?

  Bishop : You never ask a Navy man if he'll have another drink, because it's nobody's goddamned business how many drinks he's had already, right?

  Judge Smails : Wrong! You're drinking too much, Your Excellency.

  Bishop : Excellency, fiddlesticks! My name's Fred and I'm a man, same as you.

  Judge Smails : You're not a man, you're a bishop, for God's sakes.

  Bishop : There is no God...

• Danny Noonan : I planned to go to law school after I graduated, but it looks like my folks won't have enough money to put me through college.

  Judge Smails : Well, the world needs ditch diggers, too.

  Lacey Underall : [to Danny]  Nice try.

• [Judge Smails is preparing to hit the ball on the first tee while Al Czervick watches] 

  Al Czervik : Hey 'Whitey,' where's your hat?

  [Smails looks over at Czervick, who is watching anxiously] 

  Al Czervik : ...let's go while we're young!

  Judge Smails : Mind Sir? Trying to tee off.

  Al Czervik : ...I bet ya slice into the woods! A hundred bucks!

  Judge Smails : Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I never slice.

  [the judge hits the ball, and it goes flying into some trees, in response, he shouts in frustration] 

  Al Czervik : Okay, you can owe me!

  Judge Smails : [mad]  I owe you nothing!

• Judge Smails : You - you will never be a member of Bushwood!

  Al Czervik : A member? You think I actually want to join this scumatorium? The only reason I'm here is because I might buy it!

• Judge Smails : [to Bishop Fred Pickering]  Say, Fred, did you hear the one about the Jew, the Catholic, and the colored boy who went to heaven?

  Bishop : Yeah, Judge, that's a doozy.

• Judge Smails : Danny, I'm having a party this weekend.

  [pauses a beat] 

  Judge Smails : How would you like to come over and mow my lawn?

• [Danny walks inside Judge Smails' office, where Smails is seated around, and has a seat, awaiting his disciplinary action for his involvement with Lacey] 

  Danny Noonan : Judge Smails, sir?

  Judge Smails : [not realizing Danny's already seated]  Sit down, Danny.

  [turns around in his chair, slightly hitting his desk; Both Danny and Smails tries to see their faces] 

  Judge Smails : Danny, I think you know why you are here, so I'll... do us both the courtesy of not reviewing what happened yesterday...

  [angrily shoves the lamp to the side, but calms down] 

  Judge Smails : Sorry. My niece is the kind of girl who has a certain... zest of living. The last thing any of us need right now is a lot of loose talk about her behavior.

  Danny Noonan : I swear, I didn't tell anybody anything, sir.

  Judge Smails : [relief sigh]  Good. Good, good.

  [stands up] 

  Judge Smails : You know, despite what happened, I-I'm still convinced you have many fine qualities and I... I think you can still become a gentleman some day if you understand and abide by the rules of decent society.

  [pats Danny on his shoulder] 

  Judge Smails : Danny, Danny, there's a lot of, uh, well, badness in the world today. I see it in court today. I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't wanna do it, but felt I owed it to them. The most important decision you can make right now is what do you stand for, Danny? Goodness... or badness?

  Danny Noonan : I know I make some bad mistakes in the past. I'm willing to make up for that. I wanna be good.

  Judge Smails : Good. Good, very good. You know, I... I know how hard it is for young people today and I wanna help. Well, just ask my grandson, Spaulding. He and I are regular pals. Are you my pal, Mr. scholarship winner?

  Danny Noonan : [shakes Smails' hand]  Yes, sir. I'm your pal.

  Judge Smails : [chuckles]  How 'bout a Fresca?

• Judge Smails : How about a Fresca?

• Judge Smails : Don't you people have homes?

• Judge Smails : It's easy to grin / When your ship comes in / And you've got the stock market beat. / But the man worthwhile, / Is the man who can smile, / When his shorts are too tight in the seat.

  [chuckles several times] 

  Judge Smails : Okay, Pookie. Do the honors.

• Judge Smails : I demand satisfaction.

  Al Czervik : [mocking]  You demand satisfaction? Well I'll tell you what's satisfying: *cash*. I'll shoot you 18 holes for ten thousand bucks!

  Judge Smails : [laughs]  Wha... I could beat you with one arm!

  Al Czervik : Well, how about teams then, for twenty thousand? You can have Dr. Frankenputz...

  Dr. Beeper : [mortified]  I beg your pardon!

  Al Czervik : And I'll take Ty, here.

  Ty Webb : Wait a minute guys... I don't play golf... for money... against people.

• Judge Smails : Ty, what did you shoot today?

  Ty Webb : Oh, Judge, I don't keep score.

  Judge Smails : Then how do you measure yourself with other golfers?

  Ty Webb : By height.

• Judge Smails : McFiddish, do you know what I just saw? A gopher. Do you know what gophers can do to a golf course?

  Groundskeeper Sandy : Aye, Sir. I think they're tunneling in from that construction site over yonder.

  Judge Smails : Czervik Construction Company? Well, I slap an injunction on them so fast it'll make their head spin.

• Spalding Smails : Turds.

  Judge Smails : Spaulding, how many times have I spoken to you about your language?

  Spalding Smails : Sorry grandpa I forgot.

  Judge Smails : Oh Dr. Beeper, Bishop Pickering this is my niece Lacey Underall. Lacey's mother sent her to us for the summer.

  Dr. Beeper : Must be a nice change from dreary old Manhattan.

  Lacey Underall : Yes I was really getting tired of having fun all the time.

  Judge Smails : Ah. Ho ho. Ha ha ha.

  Spalding Smails : Double turds.

  Judge Smails : *Spaulding*!

• Judge Elihu Smails : You're no gentleman!

  Al Czervik : I'm no doorknob either, alright?

• Al Czervik : How are you, boys? Hey, we're both starving. When do we eat?

  Judge Elihu Smails : You! You! You have worn out your welcome at Bushwood, sir!

  Al Czervik : Is that so? Well, who made you Pope of this dump? Huh?

  Judge Elihu Smails : Bushwood - a "dump"? Well, I'll guarantee you'll never be a member here!

  Al Czervik : A member? Are you kidding? You think I'd join this crummy "snobatorium"? Why, this whole place sucks!

  Judge Elihu Smails : Su..su..su..su..su...

  Al Czervik : That's right. It sucks! The only reason I'm here is maybe I'll buy it.

• Judge Smails : Ohhh, Porterhouse!

  Smoke Porterhouse : Yes SIR! Yes sir, Judge. Yes sir.

  Judge Smails : Look at the wax build up on those shoes. This is fine leather. I want that wax stripped off there, then I want them creamed and buffed with a fine chamois. And I want them now. Chop chop.

  Smoke Porterhouse : You got it. Got 'em, Judge.

• Judge Smails : Do you stand for *goodness*, or - for *badness*?

• Al Czervik : What're we, waiting for these guys? Hey Whitey, where's your hat?

  Judge Smails : Do you mind, sir. I'm trying to tee off.

  Al Czervik : I'll bet you a hundred bucks you slice it into the woods.

  Judge Smails : Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I never slice.

  [Swings club, slices ball into woods] 

  Judge Smails : *Damn*.

  Al Czervik : OK, you can owe me.

  Judge Smails : I owe you nothing.

• Judge Smails : Yes. Yes. Winter rules.

• Judge Smails : Don't you people have jobs?

• Judge Smails : Spalding get your foot off the boat!

• Ty Webb : Actually, Judge, I think it's up to us to pick our substitute.

  Judge Elihu Smails : Well, who do you want?

  Ty Webb : Sonja Henie's out. We'll take Danny Noonan.