Conan the Barbarian

It took a long time for Robert E Howard's wonderful creation to make it to the big screen,and the result is something of a mixture.Some of Conan is very impressive,with the atmosphere of Howard's writing perfectly captured on screen,but some of the film is badly misjudged,with daft moments,botched action,and an uneven performance from schwarzenneger.He looks the part but in some scenes comes across as a muscle bound buffoon.Something the literary hero definitely wasn't.The story is ok,apart from having Conan spend half his life chained to the wheel of pain!But it's a dissapointing script,considering greats Milius and Oliver Stone wrote it.There are some excellent sequences in the film though,that are beautifully photographed.The opening attack on conans village is impressive,and Conans encounter with a weird witch is pretty good.But best of all is the orgy sequence,where the action,sets,and music blend together perfectly.It's like a Frank Frazetta painting come to life!The climactic battle of the mounds is ok,but it's all over far to quickly.The film does look good with some gorgeous photography,and set design.Best of all though,is the music by Basil Poledouris.This is an absolutely stunning score,that really captures the savage world of Conan.I'll stick my neck out and say that it's the best film soundtrack ever composed!General Cromwell,over and out.

In an age of Xena-esque fantasy adventure films (al la the tepid Scorpion King) It is startling to go back and see just how good this movie still is. "Conan" is not for the faint of heart, and not just for gore - there are far more bloody movies out there - but for the uncompromising warrior-ethos John Milius infused into his vision. There is nothing PC about this fantasy world. When he is asked "what is best in life?" Conan paraphrases Genghis Khan: "Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their women!" We are not led to believe he is kidding. It is true that Arnold is no great actor, but it is also true he has always stuck with parts he can handle, and he does a fine job as Conan, but the real star here is the director. John Milius is one of the greats, totally unappreciated in his time, and his sweeping scope and epic, gritty battle sequences add a dimension lacking from almost every other S&S film. There is a grim aura of doom pervading the movie that fits the original Howard stories to a T, and I think Robert E Howard would have really liked this movie. James Earl Jones gives a killer performance as the evil Thulsa Doom, rivalling Darth Vader himself. A last point in this film's favor is the score. Basil Poledouris turned out his best score ever for this film: Brooding, powerful and operatic, it lends the film a grandeur Hercules could only dream of. I must have seen this film 40 times and I still never get tired of it.

Back when it was originally released, CONAN THE BARBARIAN was dismissed by the critics as a disposable Sword & Sorcery B-movie. It was criticized for it's excessive violence and Arnold's wooden performance. It's brilliant score and memorable sets are ignored by reviewers, as is the well choreographed swordplay. Thirteen years later, BRAVEHEART is showered with praise and Oscar respectability. It is embraced by critics despite it's graphically violent battlefield sequences, which are praised as exhilarating and authentic. Many of these battle sequences (as well as some of the costume design) bare just a little resemblance to the ones in CONAN THE BARBARIAN. Eighteen years later, GLADIATOR becomes a box-office blockbuster in a matter of weeks, taking in almost one hundred thirty million thus far. It receives generally good notices from critics despite it's historical inaccuracies, poorly edited action scenes and predictable plot. The basic story is reminiscent to the one told in CONAN, and the films violence is every bit as brutal. Isn't it funny how times change? What was once laughable and disposable is now respectable.

Directed by John Milius, this hugely entertaining slice of sword and sorcery is epic stuff from start to finish, opening with Conan as a young boy witnessing the slaughter of his tribe by the evil snake-cult leader Thulsa Doom (James Earl Jones) and his henchmen, charting Conan's subsequent life as a slave, a gladiator, and a thief, and following him as he and his loyal friend Subotai (Gerry Lopez) and sexy squeeze Valeria (Sandahl Bergman) travel to Thulsa Doom's mountain lair to rescue a king's daughter and exact a little revenge.

As an actor, five times Mr. Universe and seven times Mr. Olympia Arnold Schwarzenegger might only be slightly less wooden than The Tree of Woe to which he is nailed, but with more muscle mass in one arm than the average man has in his entire body, he makes a perfect Conan the Barbarian. As expected, Arnold mauls his dialogue like he's chewing on a vulture's neck, but he gives the role everything he's got, especially when it comes to swinging a sword and slicing up men like they're so much Extrawurst. Arnie flexes his muscles, blood and limbs fly in all directions, and Hollywood's greatest action star is born.

Milius's film might threaten to become mired by a sense of self importance at times, but with bags of atmosphere, superb production design by Ron Cobb, and stunning cinematography, plus oodles of brutal hacking and slashing, all accompanied by a breath-taking symphonic score by Basil Poledouris, Arnie's first major movie ultimately emerges triumphant.

You know, Conan doesn't speak for the first 22 minutes of the movie, but it's worth the wait. "Crush enemies, see them driven before you, hear the lamentations of the women" is Conan's description of what is best in life.

If you're a dialog person, this movie may not be for you. If you never paid attention to the dialog, you might do so now. Sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll! (except, without the rock'n'roll. The soundtrack is pretty awesome, though).

What can I say? It's a classic. Intense blood and gore, Eighties-esquire special effects, intense sensuality with were-vixens, magic, revenge, true love...sounds like the Princess Bride with an R rating. Just kidding.