S.O.B. (1981)
Robert Preston: Dr. Irving Finegarten
Photos
Quotes
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Dr. Irving Finegarten : Hello Polly.
Polly Reed : Irving!
Dr. Irving Finegarten : You look like an anemic turtle.
Polly Reed : You're gonna let that SHYSTER on?
Dr. Irving Finegarten : I could sue you for calling me that, Polly! A shyster is a disreputable lawyer. I'M a QUACK!
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Dr. Irving Finegarten : Come to think of it, why should I give you a vitamin shot? I'm the one with the hangover. B-12, B-Complex, Crude Liver, and a generous jolt of adrenal cortex. Chased by a Bloody Mary. L'chaim!
Tim Culley : I thought that was a chaser.
Dr. Irving Finegarten : Where would Salk or Pasteur be if they hadn't taken chances?
[Turns to Lila]
Dr. Irving Finegarten : Now Lila, in order to inject this properly I have to expose my gluteus maximus.
Lila : Want me to do it for ya?
Dr. Irving Finegarten : Are you perchance a nurse?
Lila : No, I used to be a junkie.
Dr. Irving Finegarten : Would it endanger your amateur standing if I asked you to use a sterilized needle?
Lila : You're the doctor.
Dr. Irving Finegarten : Oh, that's the nicest thing anyone's said to me all week.
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Tim Culley : What'd you give him?
Dr. Irving Finegarten : Oh, a pinch of this, a dash of that. Sometimes referred to in the trade as a Sleeping Beauty Boilermaker. Take no notice if he begins to levitate. It's a common side effect.
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Felix Farmer : Can she work?
Dr. Irving Finegarten : Is Batman a transvestite? Who knows? I was specifically requested to alleviate her anxiety. Work was never mentioned.
Felix Farmer : Irving, she's got a very big scene to do!
Sally Miles : [laughing] I'm going to show my boobies. What do you think, Irving, you've seen my boobies. Hmm, are they worth showing?
Dr. Irving Finegarten : Well, since I can only render an evaluation based on a completely impersonal, purely professional examination of the subject, uh, subjects, I would have to say that in my humble opinion you've got a terrific pair of knockers.
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[Polly Reed is about to enter through the back door]
Dr. Irving Finegarten : I remember this scene in "The Thing." There was this horrible monster on the other side of the...
Ben Coogan : [distressed] Will you shut up! I swear...
[Polly Reed comes through the kitchen door]
Ben Coogan : Hi, Polly!
Dr. Irving Finegarten : Amazing coincidence! I was just talking about you.
Polly Reed : Oh, were you really, Irving?
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Ben Coogan : What are we going to do with him? It?
Tim Culley : I've been thinking: a burial at sea.
Ben Coogan : Beautiful. A burial at sea.
Ben Coogan : I don't like to be a party pooper, but I get seasick.
Dr. Irving Finegarten : A-ha! The last of your excremental bodily functions! Worthy of the Guinness Book of Records.
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Ben Coogan : [looking at Felix's corpse with a fishing rod in his hands] What if he catches something?
Dr. Irving Finegarten : [laughs]
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Dr. Irving Finegarten : Ben, do you realize that in a matter of a few hours you have demonstrated most of your excremental bodily functions.
Ben Coogan : I haven't sneezed.
Dr. Irving Finegarten : A sneeze is expiratory, not excremental.
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Dr. Irving Finegarten : What is that?
Tim Culley : Sounds like someone left a faucet running.
Ben Coogan : I'm peeing!
Dr. Irving Finegarten : Into what?
Ben Coogan : My pants!
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[after placing Felix's corpse in the back seat of a convertible]
Dr. Irving Finegarten : He'd be less conspicuous if he had his eyes open.
Ben Coogan : He'd be less conspicuous if he was back in his box!
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Dr. Irving Finegarten : He bought her this boat on their 14th wedding anniversary. They sailed her to Catalina. Sally flew home. I don't think Felix has been on her more than once or twice since then.
Ben Coogan : No wonder Sally wants a divorce.
Dr. Irving Finegarten : Because he bought her a boat?
Ben Coogan : Well, he's only been on her once or twice since!
Dr. Irving Finegarten : On the BOAT!
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Dr. Irving Finegarten : If he doesn't remember me, mention his first clap.
Ben Coogan : I'm gonna kill you one day!
Dr. Irving Finegarten : I didn't give it to him. I cured him!
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Tim Culley : You stay in the car.
Dr. Irving Finegarten : Who stay in the car?
Tim Culley : Him. Stay in the car.
Ben Coogan : I don't wanna stay in the car.
Tim Culley : Look, we've got to be sly and stealthy, and you're too pissed!
Ben Coogan : Bullshit, I can be just as sty and slealthy as you can.
Dr. Irving Finegarten : It's rise or fall together, culley. It's The Three Muscatels.
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Ben Coogan : [Observing Sally Miles on the set, who is acting noticeably high after Dr. Finegarten's dressing room injection] Is she gonna' be all right?
Dr. Irving Finegarten : [matter-of-factly] Well, it depends on what you mean by "all right." I once cured an amateur skydiver of acute acrophobia. Now, you could say he was all right, because he was able to jump. But you could also say he was *not* all right, because he was so stoned he neglected to open his parachute.
Ben Coogan : You know, Irving, you're a real *twat*!
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Polly Reed : [after being denied entry to the studio while Dr. Finegarten is allowed into it] You're gonna let that shyster in?
Dr. Irving Finegarten : [coming back out to address Polly] I could sue you for calling me that. A shyster is a disreputable lawyer. I'm a quack!
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Ben Coogan : [Culley, Ben and Dr. Finegarten are toasting Felix, whose corpse is seated with them at the table] To our late, great host.
Dr. Irving Finegarten : A sweet soul adrift in a sea of sour grapes.
Ben Coogan : "A sea of sour grapes"?
Dr. Irving Finegarten : Think about it.
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Dr. Irving Finegarten : He'll be fine. But i'm not so sure about you, Ben.
Ben Coogan : What's the matter?
Dr. Irving Finegarten : You look like 180 pounds of condemned veal.
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Lila : Cully!
Tim Culley : Yeah?
Lila : I'm starved. What do I do about dinner?
Tim Culley : What do you normally do about dinner?
Lila : Eat.
Tim Culley : Well, why should today be any different?
Dr. Irving Finegarten : And we're out of vodka.
Tim Culley : Geez, Irving, I just opened another fifth!
Dr. Irving Finegarten : Then it's only fair that I open the next one.
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Ben Coogan : Bullshit.
Dr. Irving Finegarten : Bullshit?
Ben Coogan : Bullshit! I mean, S.O.B. Standard Operational Bullshit!
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Dr. Irving Finegarten : "In grateful appreciation from the cast and crew of 'The Pagan Plunder'." I never saw that one.
Ben Coogan : Terrible reviews, grossed a fortune.
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Dr. Irving Finegarten : There isn't a man among us with half a conscience, who doesn't keep a hair shirt as a permanent part of his wardrobe.
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Dr. Irving Finegarten : Are you still peeing?
Ben Coogan : No, but now I've gotta - clench.
Dr. Irving Finegarten : Draw up. Think about being sodomized by a bull elephant.
