Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid (1982)

Carl Reiner: Field Marshall VonKluck

Photos 

Quotes 

• Field Marshal Von Kluck : It is customary in zese situations for ze developer of ze plan to describe it.

  Rigby Reardon : I beg your pardon. It's also customary for the private eye to tell how he figured it out.

  Field Marshal Von Kluck : No, it is my right! We were able to dupe Dr. Forrest by posing as a humanitarian organization who planned to wipe out hunger, by ageing cheese faster.

  Rigby Reardon : But when your father finally saw what they were doing, he...

  Field Marshal Von Kluck : He started to assemble lists of our agents...

  Rigby Reardon : And seemed about to go to the FBI...

  Field Marshal Von Kluck : So we were obliged to kidnap him, drug him and bring him...

  Rigby Reardon : Here! First faking his death so there'd be no investigation...

  Field Marshal Von Kluck : But vile testing ze mold on a small island nearby...

  Rigby Reardon : The cruise ship "Immer Essen" passed by. Some of the passengers saw the tiny island dissolve...

  Field Marshal Von Kluck : Zey were zerfore labeled "enemies" because of what zey haf seen. We had Walter Neff cancel all further tours and our...

  Field Marshal Von Kluck , Rigby Reardon : Friends systematically began to eliminate everyone who was on that cruise ship!

  Field Marshal Von Kluck : Schweinhund!

  Rigby Reardon : Jerk!

• Juliet Forrest : Could I be your Reinemachefrau?

  Field Marshall Von Kluck : Ja, you could, you could be zat.

  Rigby Reardon : What's that? What is it?

  Juliet Forrest : Tell him what it means - Reinemachefrau.

  Field Marshall Von Kluck : Reinemachefrau! It means she could be my cleaning woman.

• Field Marshall Von Kluck : [to his Nazi minions]  Cowards! Fools! I'll do it myself!

  [He runs over to throw the lever that will launch the cheese mold bombs on America] 

  Rigby Reardon : Sorry, pal, you're through!

  [He fires his gun and shoots Von Kluck in the arm] 

  Field Marshall Von Kluck : Not quite!

  [He throws one of the five levers and runs to the map of the United States which is spread out on the table. Reardon throws an object at the lever and reverses it, as Von Kluck collapses over the map, part of which is beginning to dissolve] 

  Field Marshall Von Kluck : At least ve got Terre Haute, Indiana!

  Rigby Reardon : Damn. And they were just about to get a public library.

• [at Juliet's house after Rigby has been shot the first time] 

  Butler : Yes?

  Rigby Reardon : I'd like to see Ms. Forrest.

  Butler : Who shall I say is calling?

  Rigby Reardon : Rigby Reardon, tell her I've been shot.

  Butler : Very good, sir. May I tell her by whom?

  Rigby Reardon : No, I don't know myself.

  Butler : Are you all right? You look as though you're going to faint.

  Rigby Reardon : Faint? Never... Catch me.

  [Rigby Reardon falls on the floor, fainting] 

  Butler : Sorry, I'm a Butler, not a catcher.

• Field Marshal Von Kluck : When these switches are thrown, your meddling country will disintegrate - like a moldy hunk of Liederkranz!

• Rigby Reardon : Hold it! Stay where you are, you dirty, lying Nazi scum.

  Juliet Forrest : Rigby!

  Rigby Reardon : I should have known. I fell for a dame who played me for a sucker.

  Field Marshal Von Kluck : No, Mr Reardon. She did not play you for a sucker. *I* did. Pretending to be a butler, waiting on inferior races was galling to me. But I fooled everyone.

  Juliet Forrest : You see, Rigby? I didn't betray you.

• Juliet Forrest : How did they use daddy?

  Rigby Reardon : Simple. When "Bullet-head" here found out your father had developed a cheese mold so powerful it could decompose rocks, trees and mountains, he devised a plan to dissolve the entire United States.

  Field Marshal Von Kluck : We were able to dupe Dr. Forrest by posing as a humanitarian organization who planned to wipe out hunger by aging cheese faster.