Jeff Spicoli: What Jefferson was saying was, Hey! You know, we left this England place 'cause it was bogus; so if we don't get some cool rules ourselves - pronto - we'll just be bogus too! Get it?
Stu Nahan: [Spicoli is dreaming that he's won a surfing competition] Hello everybody! I'm Stu Nahan, and I'd like you to meet this young man. His name, Jeff Spicoli. And Jeff, congratulations to you. Things looked kind of rough out there today.
Jeff Spicoli: Well, I'll tell you Stu, I did battle some humongous waves! But you know, just like I told the guy on ABC, "Danger is my business!"
Stu Nahan: You know, a lot of people expected maybe Mark "Cutback" Davis or Bob "Jungle Death" Gerrard would take the honors this year.
Jeff Spicoli: [laughs incredulously] Those guys are fags!
Stu Nahan: [oblivious] That's fantastic! Let me ask you a question. When you get out there, do you ever fear for your life?
Jeff Spicoli: Well Stu I'll tell you, surfing's not a sport, it's a way of life, it's no hobby. It's a way of looking at that wave and saying, "Hey bud, let's party!"
[focuses on Stu's sport coat]
Jeff Spicoli: Where'd you get this jacket?
Stu Nahan: [evasive] I got this from the network. Let me ask you a question. What's next for Jeff Spicoli?
Jeff Spicoli: Heading over to the Australian and Hawaiian internationals, and then me and Mick are going to wing on over to London and jam with the Stones!
[to the two girls next to him]
Jeff Spicoli: And you guys are invited too!
Mike Damone: I mean don't just walk in. You move across the room. And you don't talk to her. You use your face. You use your body. You use everything. That's what I do. I mean I just send out this vibe and I have personally found that women do respond. I mean, something happens.
Mark Ratner: Well, naturally something happens. I mean, you put the vibe out to 30 million chicks, something is gonna happen.
Mike Damone: That's the idea, Rat. That's the attitude.
Mark Ratner: The attitude?
Mike Damone: Yeah! The attitude dictates that you don't care whether she comes, stays, lays, or prays. I mean whatever happens, your toes are still tappin'. Now when you got that, then you have the attitude.
[Spicoli has had a pizza delivered to class]
Mr. Hand: Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing?
Jeff Spicoli: Learning about Cuba, and having some food.
Mr. Hand: Mr. Spicoli, you're on dangerous ground here. You're causing a major disturbance on my time.
Jeff Spicoli: I've been thinking about this, Mr. Hand. If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? Certainly, there's nothing wrong with a little feast on our time.
Mr. Hand: [takes away box of pizza from Spicoli] You're absolutrly right, Mr. Spicoli. It is our time. Yours, mine and everyone else's in this room. But it is my class.
[calls up a couple of students]
Mr. Hand: Mr. Spicoli has been kind enough to bring us a snack. Be my guest. Help yourselves. Get a good one.
Jeff Spicoli: [driving and stoned] People on 'ludes should not drive.
Brad Hamilton: [after Linda opens the door on him while he is masturbating] Jeez. Doesn't anyone fucking knock any more?
[the "five-point plan"]
Mike Damone: All right, now pay attention. First of all Rat, you never let on how much you like a girl.
[standing next to a life size cut out of Deborah Harry in a Record Store]
Mike Damone: "Oh, Debbie. Hi." Two, you always call the shots. "Kiss me. You won't regret it." Now three, act like wherever you are, that's the place to be. "Isn't this great?" Four, when ordering food, you find out what she wants, then order for the both of you. It's a classy move. "Now, the lady will have the linguini and white clam sauce, and a Coke with no ice." And five, now this is the most important, Rat. When it comes down to making out, whenever possible, put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.
[Spicoli, talking on the phone, hits his head with a shoe]
Jeff Spicoli: That was my skull! I'm so wasted!
Jeff Spicoli: This is U.S. History, I see the globe right there.
Brad Hamilton: Hope you had a hell of a piss, Arnold!
[after Spicoli wrecks Jefferson's car]
Jefferson's Brother: My brother's gonna kill us! He's gonna kill us! He's gonna kill you and he's gonna kill me, he's gonna kill us!
Jeff Spicoli: Hey man, just be glad I had fast reflexes!
Jefferson's Brother: My brother's gonna shit!
Jeff Spicoli: Make up your mind, dude, is he gonna shit or is he gonna kill us?
Jefferson's Brother: First he's gonna shit, then he's gonna kill us!
Jeff Spicoli: Relax, all right? My old man is a television repairman, he's got this ultimate set of tools. I can fix it.
Jeff Spicoli: Aloha, Mr. Hand.
Mike Damone: You are a wuss: part wimp, and part pussy.
Desmond: That kid's been stoned since the third grade
Mike Damone: I think I just came... didn't you feel it?
Mike Damone: I woke up in a great mood; I don't know what the hell happened.
Mr. Hand: [handing out graded test] C. D. F. F. F. Three weeks we've been talking about the Platt Amendment. What are you people - on dope? A piece of legislation was introduced into Congress by Senator John Platt. It was passed in 1906. This amendment to our Constitution has a profound impact upon all of our...
[notices Spicoli's seat is empty]
Mr. Hand: Where is Jeff Spicoli? I saw him earlier today, near the first floor bathrooms. Is he still on campus? Anyone?
[Desmond raises hand]
Mr. Hand: Yes, Desmond?
Desmond: I saw him by the food machines.
Mr. Hand: How long ago?
Desmond: Right before class.
Mr. Hand: Okay. Bring him in.
Mr. Hand: What is this fascination with truancy? What is it that gets inside your heads? There are some teachers in this school who look the other way at truants. It's a little game that you both play. They pretend they don't see you. You pretend you don't ditch! Now, who pays the price later? *You!*
[Desmond re-enters; Spicoli follows him. He has a bagel stuffed into his pants; with open shirt, barefoot, holding Vans]
Jeff Spicoli: Wait a minute, there's no birthday party for me here! Hello, Mr. Hand.
Mr. Hand: What's the reason for your truancy?
Jeff Spicoli: Just couldn't make it on time.
Mr. Hand: You mean you couldn't or you wouldn't?
Jeff Spicoli: It was like a full crowd scene at the food lines.
Mr. Hand: Food will be eaten on your time. Why are you continuously late for this class, Mr. Spicoli? Why do you... shamelessly waste my time like this?
Jeff Spicoli: [long pause, but then with complete truth in his answer] I don't know.
Mr. Hand: [Mr. Hand goes to blackboard and writes the words "I DON'T KNOW", then underlines them] I like that. "I *don't* know." That's nice.
Mr. Hand: [imitating] "Mr. Hand, will I pass this class?" "Gee, Mr. Spicoli, I don't know!" That's nice. I really like that! You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to leave your words on this board for *all* my classes to enjoy, giving you full credit of course, Mr. Spicoli.
Jeff Spicoli: All right.
Mr. Hand: What are you, people? On dope?
Brad Hamilton: Get off my case, motherfucker!
[Stacy Hamilton exits the abortion-clinic building, which is across the street from a bowling alley]
Brad Hamilton: [to Stacy] Since when do you go bowling?
Jeff Spicoli: Awesome! Totally awesome! All right, Hamilton!
Jeff Spicoli: Those guys are fags.
Mike Damone: Look at you: member of the honor roll, assistant to the assistant manager of the movie theater. I'm tellin' ya, Rat, if this girl can't smell your qualifications, then who needs her, right?
Mr. Hand: Aloha. My name is Mr. Hand.
Mike Damone: I can see it all now, this is gonna be just like last summer. You fell in love with that girl at the Fotomat, you bought forty dollars worth of fuckin' film, and you never even talked to her. You don't even own a camera.
Damone: Can you honestly tell me you forgot? Forgot the magnetism of Robin Zander, or the charisma of Rick Nielsen?
Jeff Spicoli: Hey, Bud, let's party!
Brad's Bud: Brad, your sister's turning into a fox!
Mike Damone: This is going to be great, Rat. It's like the highlight of their day.
Mark Ratner: Hey maybe we'd better call first. I dunno about dropping in like...
Mike Damone: What are you kidding? We're gunna surprise them. Look, just fix your collar, alright? Relax, just be cool, attitude, remember? Where'd you get that, outta the hamper?
Mark Ratner: Hey, come on, this is clean.
Mike Damone: Look Rat, it's like riding a bike. Fall off; you're right back on. Mess up a date, do it again.
Jeff Spicoli: People on 'ludes should not drive!
Charles Jefferson: Don't fuck with it.
Linda Barrett: Hi Brad, you know how cute I always thought you were.
Brad Hamilton: [Television Version, when Mrs. O'Rourke discussed to Brad about his life, and he fires back at her] You know what Mrs. O'Rourke, you don't know me at all. I broke up with my girlfriend this year, I lost my job at All American Burger and two other places. I wake up, at 5:30 to go to work at Mi-T-Mart. Then, I go to school and, go back to Mi-T-Mart. My grades aren't that bad and, you're telling me the fun is over. Man, I'm still waiting for the fun to start!
[Mrs. O'Rourke, shakes her head]
Mike Damone: [at home watching TV, the phone rings, Mike picks it up] Hello?
Mark Ratner: Mike, it's Mark.
Mike Damone: Hey, what happened to your date?
Mark Ratner: It's happening right now. Everything's fine except...
Mark Ratner: ... I left my wallet at home.
Mike Damone: Why don't you go home and get it?
Mark Ratner: No, I can't! I'm here! The food's coming and everything. Look, would you do me a favor and just borrow your mom's car, drive to my house, get my wallet and-and bring it back here.
[Mike says nothing, unenthusiastic about the idea]
Mark Ratner: Hello? Mike? Mike?
Mike Damone: Jeez, I'm really kinda busy, Rat.
Mark Ratner: [desperately] Look, just do me this one favor, I swear I won't ask you for anything again in this lifetime or any other but just please do this for me.
Mike Damone: All right, but you owe me for this one.
Mark Ratner: [smiles, relieved] Okay, thanks. Thanks a lot. Thanks.
Mike Damone: [hangs up, looks back at the TV] What happened?
Stacy Hamilton: Do you think guys find that more attractive?
Linda Barrett: Oh, Stacy, please. Give me a break! You are so much prettier than them.
Stacy Hamilton: Yeah, I know. But, I think they'd be better in bed.
Linda Barrett: What do you mean? Better in bed? Either you do it or you don't.
Stacy Hamilton: No. There are, like, variables that I might not be good at.
Linda Barrett: Like what variables?
Stacy Hamilton: Like, you know, giving blow jobs.
Brad Hamilton: [dumping out cold fries] I shall serve no fries before their time.
Jeff Spicoli: Hey, wait a minute, there's no birthday party for me here!
Linda Barrett: What do you mean, better in bed? Either you do it or you don't.
Mark Ratner: [inside the locker room] Mike tell me what went on between you and Stacy?
Damone: We were out messing around and something happened.
Mark Ratner: What do you mean something happened.
Damone: Look I never even talked to her again. Rat if you asked me she's a very aggressive girl.
Mark Ratner: No, I don't know what you mean.
Damone: Rat, She never really was your girlfriend.
Mark Ratner: [Rat gets on the defensive] You know Damone I always stick up for you. They say oh, Damone that loud mouth - and they say that a lot. I say oh, no you just don't know Damone. I mean when they call you an idiot, I say Damone's not an idiot. Well, you know something maybe they know you pretty good. Maybe I'm just starting to find out.
Damone: [Damone gets annoyed] Get lost.
Damone: [after getting shoved by Rat] You want to do something about it, huh, you little wuss.
Mike Damone: What can I do for you gentlemen?
Arnold: Are you the guy with the Van Halen tickets?
Mike Damone: I could be.
Ticket Customer: How much you want for something in the first ten rows?
Mike Damone: Twenty bucks a piece.
Arnold: Those tickets were only twelve fifty!
Arnold: Well, don't buy 'em.
Linda Barrett: Go for it! He's cute. Just take his order. Look him in the eye. If he says anything remotely funny, just laugh like you've never heard anything so funny. And smile!
Mike Damone: It's never too soon, Rat. I mean, a girl decides how far she's gonna let you go in the first five minutes.
Santa Claus: How fuckin' long do I have to wait?
Mr. Vargas: This gentleman here is named Arthur. Arthur was good enough to die last week of heart failure and we are fortunate enough today to view his body in it's pristine state. Now, here, an incision has been made. The ribs have been sawed off allowing us to remove the breast plate and *really* observe the human organs as they exist in their natural state! Here we have the human lungs. And here is the human heart, which you can see is actually located in the center of your chest.
[lifts the heart out of the body to show his class]
Jeff Spicoli: Oh, gnarly!