Bill: You tellin' me to shut up?

Chuck: I'm telling you to shut up! I will tell your recorder so that you don't forget!

[Chuck picks up tape recorder and turns it on]

Chuck: Hello, this is Chuck to remind Bill to SHUT UP!

Bill: What are we really talking about here? Huh? What's the essence of what we're talking about? Spell it out for you if I have to.

[writing on chalkboard]

Bill: PROSTITUTION! Prostitution. Yeah, we can say it. We're big kids now, right? You know a lot of times it'll help you to understand a word if you break it down, so let's do that now, shall we? PROS... it doesn't mean anything. Forget about that... TIT, I think we all know what that means. TU, kay two tit and TION, of course, from the Latin to shun... to say no, uh-uh, thank you anyway I don't want it, to push away... it doesn't even belong in this word really, so let's get rid of that.

Chuck Lumley: As we sit here and idly chat, there are woman, female human beings, rolling around in strange beds with strange men, and we are making money from that.

Bill Blazejowski: Is this a great country, or what?

Bill Blazejowski: [picking up photo from desk] Hey Chuck? Who is this? Your wife?

Chuck Lumley: Fiancée.

Bill Blazejowski: Nice frame!

Belinda Keaton: Franklin once told me that he wanted to be buried in his car.

Chuck Lumley: We don't do that.

Belinda Keaton: Oh.

Chuck Lumley: You'll probably have to call the funeral home or the department of motor vehicles.

Bill: I'm an idea man Chuck, I get ideas all day long. I can't control them. I can't even fight 'em

[could be 'find 'em']

Bill: if I want to. You know, 'AAAA!' So I say 'em in here and that way I never forget 'em. You see what I'm sayin'?"

Bill: So, I get down to Atlantic City this weekend. I'm sittin' in the casino with my wash-n-dries, did I tell you I had they idea for them - first?

Bill: What if you mix the mayonnaise in the can, WITH the tunafish? Or... hold it! Chuck! I got it! Take LIVE tuna fish, and FEED 'em mayonnaise! Oh this is great.

[speaks into tape recorder]

Bill: Call Starkist!

Leonard: Oh, that Barney Rubble. What an actor.

Chuck: [elevator door opens; Chuck sees Belinda lying on the elevator floor] Oh my God. Did you fall down? Did somebody hit you?

Belinda Keaton: Other way round. Somebody hit me and then I fell down.

Bill Blazejowski: All you ever think about is yourself. You don't care what happens to me. You don't care what happens to Belinda. You don't care what happens to the Girl Scouts of America! America! I'm fed up, man. I'm fed up with you. I wash my hands and my feet of you!

Belinda Keaton: Bill, Bill, are you all right? Did you break anything, Bill?

Bill Blazejowski: I caught an updraft.

Chuck Lumley: Are you ok?

Bill: Yeah, I'm all right, don't worry, I'm all right, fortunately the ground broke my fall.

Bill Blazejowski: What's our job? We like drive around and pickup stiffs, or what? Is that what we are supposed to do?


Bill: [Chuck is spitting on himself in the jail cell] Chuck, come on - it looks bad in front of the other guys!

Chuck Lumley: So what am I running for, cell president?

Bill: No!... they have that?

Chuck Lumley: [reads the forms that Lenoard, the day shift guy left] Name of the deceased... something Polish?

Bill: Wanna know why I carry this tape recorder? To tape things. See, I'm an idea man, Chuck. I get ideas coming at me all day. I can't control 'em. I can't even fight 'em if I want to. You know, 'AHHH!' So I say 'em in here, and that way I never forget 'em. You see what I'm sayin'?

[speaking into tape recorder]

Bill: Stand back, this is Bill. Idea to eliminate garbage. Edible paper. You eat it, it's gone! You eat it, it's outta there! No more garbage!

Chuck: I used to be an investment counselor.

Bill: Yeah?


Bill: What's that?

Chuck: It's like a stockbroker.

Bill: So what're you doing babysitting stiffs? What were you... drinker? Big drinker?

Chuck: No!

Bill: Doper! Toothead! Nose candy! Coke!

Bill: [points to morgue cold chambers] What's in here, just stiffs and stuff?

Chuck: Uh, no, we call them "corpses."

Bill: Can I take a peek?

Chuck: Sure.

Bill: Alright!

Chuck: I think there's one in #7.

Bill: Hey, this Carboni guy! What's he, like, our boss or what?

Chuck: No, no, he's the supervisor. He's not here at night.

Bill: Nuh-uh! Get outta town! Just you and me and the stiffs alone? Here? That's gonna be radical, Chuck!

[Chuck opens morgue drawer]

Bill: That guy's dead!

Sgt. Averbach: Now can you tell me who sent him to Pimp Heaven?

Belinda Keaton: Oh, sure! Now can you kiss my ass?

Sgt. Averbach: For how much?

Bill: Get this, I'm livin' with this chick, right? I come home one night and I catch her in bed - with another girl. I went, "No!" I couldn't believe it, you know. She went lesbo on me like that! Unbelievable. I just finished eatin' my dinner and walked right out of there. What do you think? Was that wrong?

Charlotte Koogle: [in bed] Are you excited?

Chuck: Like the French when Lindbergh landed.

Charlotte Koogle: Am I fat?

Chuck: Huh?

Charlotte Koogle: Am I fat?

Chuck: You're a willow. You're a reed. You're Audrey Hepburn!

Chuck: See, you let too many things bother you. That way, you'll never have an orgas...

Charlotte Koogle: [covers Chuck's mouth] Don't you say that word!

Belinda Keaton: Why don't you go back inside. I'll be right in. Okay? Go - play with your rope.

Chuck: When did you get fully dressed?

Sgt. Averbach: It wasn't going to be any good tonight anyway. I feel so guilty! I cheated today.

Chuck: You're kidding.

Sgt. Averbach: I had a Nestle's Crunch Bar.

Bill: Boy, I tell you Chuck, this weekend is it! This weekend I go to Atlantic City and I do nothing but play blackjack. Straight and through. I'm not even gonna get a room. I'm just gonna get those wash-n-dries, you know. Did tell you I thought of them first? Only they already had 'em.

Bill: Wall Street Journal. What are you reading this for? What's the matter with the Inquirer?

Bill: Vegas knows how to treat you right, you know, Chuck. He's got broads, you know, Wayne Newton. Got him. He's an Indian. Did you know that? I'll introduce you if you want me to.

Bill: Wait a minute. Hold the phone, Chuck. We got all that space down at the morgue. All those cars. All that time at night. Nobody watching us. We could handle things for your next door neighbor and all of her girl friends right out of the morgue!

Chuck: Pimps? Are you saying we should become pimps?

Bill: Pimps is an ugly word. We could call ourselves love brokers.

Chuck: It's a sick world.

Belinda Keaton: Yeah, thank God.

Bill: If I can take a moment here and I mean what I'm about to say. I feel a lot of love in this room. I don't know, maybe it's me; but, I'll tell you something. It was here a minute ago and it was really beautiful. So, at this moment, I think it's important that I see all of your breasts.

[objects thrown at Bill]

Bill: Or, I don't have to...

Dawn: Come on, let's get outta here. This guys no pimp, he's a wimp!

Bill: Hey, Chuck! How you doin' bud? Boy, I am cookin' like Betty Crocker tonight, sport.

Bill: What's the matter?

Chuck: Ever since we started this I have been in hell. I have headaches, stomachaches. I get the chills. My gums are bleeding and my hair keeps falling out into the sink.

Bill: So?

Bill: [into tape recorder] This is Bill. Mission in life: make Chuck - a man.

Belinda Keaton: Everybody's lookin' for a new way to do it. A guy once took me up in a helicopter... had me do it with him as we hovered over his ex-wife's house.

Chuck: No.

Belinda Keaton: Yeah! Don't you ever fantasize different ways you wanna do it?

Chuck: Can you turn down the music?

Bill: Huh?

Chuck: Can you turn the music down?

Bill: Yeah! I can turn it down, I can turn it up. I can switch it to the back seat and the front. I can make it reverberate.

Lupe: Don't be snobs. I used to be the pickle girl here once.

Bill: This guy - he doesn't have fun. I'm gonna teach him - this wild man - how to have fun right now.

Belinda Keaton: I have to talk to you.

Chuck: What about?

Belinda Keaton: About this.

[long kiss]

Chuck: You're a very good talker.

[long kiss]

Belinda Keaton: Mmm. Mmm.


Belinda Keaton: Chuck...

Chuck: Huh?

Belinda Keaton: The zipper's on the side, honey.

Chuck: The side?

Chuck: Did you ever see the movie "Klute"?

Belinda Keaton: What?

Chuck: The movie with Jane Fonda, "Klute".

Belinda Keaton: No, I don't think so.

Chuck: She plays a call girl and she's with this guy, a customer. And they're doing it and she's screaming and moaning as if its like the end of the world for her. And then right in the middle, when the guy's not looking, she looks at her watch. And you just know it's an act.

Belinda Keaton: Hey, I don't wear a watch.


Chuck: I can't get over the fact that you didn't quit.

Belinda Keaton: Right! I didn't quit! Did you quit?

Chuck: I'm not a whore!

Belinda Keaton: No, you're a pimp.

Cleon: We're angry. We're insulted.

Pig: Besides, wouldn't be right to let you live after we killed Franklin. He was our friend.

Chuck: I'd like to be your friend. Please, God! Let me be your friend...

Cop: Party's over, numb-nuts!

Chuck: That's great. That's great. You get me in jail with Peter Lorre's son.

Chuck: "Oh, come on. We have to be pimps. Let's be pimps."

Bill: We couldn't be doctors! We were rolling there for a while though. Cash, clothes. I'll tell you somethin', Chuck. You couldn't do what we did in Russia. You know? Seriously.

Charlotte Koogle: Chuck. Chuck!

Chuck: Charlotte, I thought you were in Indiana. My mom called. And you flew all the way back here. I thought for sure when you found out what I was doing, you'd just hate me. No, not you. You came to be by my side. You are one in a million.

Charlotte Koogle: [spits in Chuck's face] Goodbye, Chuck.

Chuck: Here's an idea: Get a ticket on the first space shuttle and get out of here!

Manetti: Now, listen, helium-head, how hard is it to pass out some towels?

Bill: Well, it's a skill like anything else.

Manetti: These people pay $8,000 a year just to join this club. They expect service. Stop screwing around or I'll bust your ass out of here! Do you understand?

Bill: Yes. Alright.

Manetti: Beat it!

Bill: Jackoff.

Bill: Come on, these guys are tough! Chuck, hey. Chuck, I'm not kidding you. These guys are built like Checker Cabs, man.

Chuck: Are you okay?

Bill: Yeah, I'm alright. No, don't worry. I'm alright. I'm alright. Fortunately, the ground broke my fall.

Chuck: He's not a towel boy. He's an idea man!

Manetti: He couldn't find his asshole with a funnel.

[last lines]

Bill: I'm cold!

[Chuck gives Bill his jacket]

Bill: Hey, Chuck, here you go. Microwave clothing. Listen to this!

Chuck: Yeah?

Bill: That way you can stay warm and bake a potato in your pants.

Chuck: I think you can do better than that.

Belinda Keaton: Baked potato. I could kill for a baked potato.

Bill: Let's eat!

Belinda Keaton: We are all yours, Chuck!

Carl: Where the fuck is 4-K?

Chuck: What?

Carl: I'm sorry, I didn't know you was deaf! 4-K!