Dr. Oliver Ludwig: There are over 20 bodily fluids present in the human body and I am proud to say I have tasted all of them.
Dr. Joseph Prang: Nice, doctor. While I'm down here trying to save this man's life, you're up there making FART jokes.
Annie: Attention: Starting Monday, all nurses must wear underwear.
Nurse Norine Sprockett: Find that duck!
Dr. Phil Burns: Relax, relax. Take off your key.
Dr. Joseph Prang: Doctor, I've decided to let you take out an appendix. Gall bladder, whatever...
P.A. Announcer: Your attention, please. Due to a mix-up in urology no apple juice will be served this morning.
Dr. Charles Litto: [introducing himself] Charles Litto. Chicago. Anesthesiologist. Because I like to pass gas.
Dr. Phil Burns: [introducing himself] I'm from the really ugly part of Long Island, Queens.
P.A. Announcer: Dr. Pepper. Dr. Pepper. Please report to the diabetes ward at once.
Doctor in Office: Let me see if I have this straight. You were shaving. You slipped. You cut your nose off. You then dropped your razor and you cut your toe off. The doctor made a mistake and he sewed your toe onto your face. And your nose onto your foot. And you're complaint is that every time you sneeze you blow your shoe off?
Floyd Kurtzman: But don't worry! There will be no pressure. It'll be just like any other operation you've never done.
Angelo: [dressed as Angela] My father didn't take me out a lot, you know? There was the track and there was Vegas, but like a fuckin' museum or a fuckin' concert? Fuckin' forget it then.
P.A. Announcer: Your attention, please. Dr. Prang will not be performing the operation today. He went meshuggah.
Malamud: I've had a lot of things done to the old wang, but roto-rootering ain't one of them.