'Allo 'Allo! (1982–1992)
Gorden Kaye: René Artois
Photos
Quotes
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[repeated line]
René : You stupid woman!
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Capt. Hans Geering : Do you not see that if you kill him with the pill from the till by making with it the drug in the jug, then you need not light the candle with the handle on the gateau from the chateau!
René : Simple plans are always the best.
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Lt. Hubert Gruber : You notice I am walking very gingerly.
René : Do not tell me you have dynamite in your trousers.
Lt. Hubert Gruber : You should not believe everything you hear, Rene.
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[Maria has disguised the airmen as waitresses, so René mimes to them that they must not go upstairs with the Germans]
Flying Officer Carstairs : [turning to Fairfax] What was all that about?
Flying Officer Fairfax : I think he means that if Hitler comes in and wants us to go upstairs with him, we're not to go.
Flying Officer Carstairs : Is he like "that," then?
Flying Officer Fairfax : Oh, yes.
René : [to the others] And they must not speak.
[Rene turns to the airmen and mimes that they must be silent]
Flying Officer Carstairs : What does that mean?
Flying Officer Fairfax : Well, if we do go upstairs with Hitler, we're not to tell anyone.
Flying Officer Carstairs : Well, it's hardly the sort of thing you boast about, is it.
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[upon seeing Leclerc's latest disguise]
René : Man of a thousand faces, every one the same.
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Michelle Dubois : Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once.
René : Well, in that case, could you please speak slowly?
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Monsieur Alfonse : Perhaps Madame Edith will make me the happiest man alive...
René : I thought you wanted to marry her?
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René : We will stick out like a carrot in an omelet.
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René : [to wife Edith] Youuuuuu stupid woman!
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René : But you won't shoot me?
Col. Von Strom : That goes without saying.
René : I would feel better if you said it, just the same.
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René : But if Herr Flick knows about that he will shoot me... slowly and painfully.
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[Rene is shaving in the bathroom when there is a knock on the door]
Yvette Carte-Blanche : Rene, what are you doing?
René : Cutting my throat, my love.
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[in order to save René from the duel with Monsieur Alphonse, the colonel intends to have a military practice at the site and kill him in the crossfire]
René : I don't know, is it possible to just wound him?
Capt. Hans Geering : With a 25lb shell, 'just wounding' may be difficult.
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[Edith has devised a plan to help get the airmen to the P.O.W. camp via the graveyard]
René : Edith, if this plan fails, there will not be a wall in Nuvion big enough to shoot us all against.
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Flying Officer Carstairs : Look at my knees
[lifts up his "skirt"]
René : Why is he showing you his knees?
Michelle Dubois : He was a scrubber at ze nunnery.
René : No wonder they threw him out.
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[repeated line]
René : Oh, 'eck!
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[repeated line]
René : [to Madame Fanny] You silly old bat!
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René : Let me tell you a legend. It is said that these champagne glasses are modelled on the bosom of Marie Antoinette.
Capt. Hans Geering : Ho-ho, they should have modelled them on Helga's bosom, then we'd all have got a bigger drink.
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[the airmen have come downstairs, minus their mustaches, dressed as serving girls]
Flying Officer Fairfax : Carstairs, you're standing like a tart again.
[Carstairs drops his arm to his side]
Edith : [looking the airmen up and down] No one will suspect them. They look just like the staff.
René : Edith, the Germans *take* the staff upstairs from time to time. If they took these two upstairs, do you not think that their suspicions will be aroused?
Yvette Carte-Blanche : We are much more attractive. They will take us.
René : And suppose there is a rush?
Flying Officer Carstairs : What are they saying, Fairfax?
Flying Officer Fairfax : I've no idea - it's all in French.
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[Michelle is disguised as a window cleaner]
René : Hang on a minute. You have not finished my windows.
Michelle Dubois : Screw your windows!
