Buddy Ryan: ...but I'm feeling MUCH better now!
Dan Fielding: I have stood next to death, and people liked him better.
[after an electrician uses ashes from an urn in a coffee maker to test the circuit]
Judge Harold 'Harry' T. Stone: That wasn't herb tea... that was Herb!
Dan Fielding: [to Harry] If you weren't born, Walt Disney would have to draw you.
Harry Stone: [to a defendant] Well, I'm gonna find the defendant guilty of assault and battery, and Mr. Gunther, I am gonna give you two days in the slammer. Because you've got to learn, that this is not funny, no matter what you think of the man's musical talent!
[we see the victim who has a harmonica stuffed in his mouth]
Dan Fielding: Be grateful it was your mouth.
Judge Harold 'Harry' T. Stone: If I had a dime for every woman...
Assistant District Attorney Daniel Reinhold Fielding: You could make a phone call.
Bull Shannon: [approaches the cafeteria table where everyone is sitting. He is wearing boxers and a t-shirt] Hi, guys.
Harry Stone: Bull?
Bull Shannon: Oh, don't worry, Your Honor. I'm just having one of those dreams where you show up to work in your underwear.
Harry Stone: Bull, this isn't a dream.
Bull Shannon: It's not?
[everyone shakes their heads]
Bull Shannon: Yikes!
[Bull runs out]
Phil Sanders: That's the kind of failure I can only dream about.
[after Christine makes a joke]
Harry Stone: She is to comedy what Roy Rogers is... to comedy.
[during a Christmas episode, Harry happens to look outside of his chambers, and sees a reindeer in the hallway]
Harry Stone: [running back into chambers] Everyone, come quick, you have to see this!
[everyone runs out into the hallway. Selma is standing where the reindeer was]
Bull Shannon: It's Selma!
Harry Stone: Selma, did you see that?
Selma Hacker: I saw it, all right.
[she begins to walk away. Everyone runs to where she was standing]
Selma Hacker: If you think I'm cleaning that up, you're out of your mind.
Dan Fielding: I know every nook and cranny a body could fit into in this place.
Harry T. Stone: Fifty dollars plus time served.
Phil Sanders: [suggesting a slogan for Dan's mayoral campaign] The Big Apple needs a worm like Fielding!
[on trial are a group of beauty contestants who attacked their sneaky pageant coordinator]
Dan Fielding: Your Honor, according to witnesses, Miss Congeniality led the attack with a kick to the groin.
Yakov Korolenko: Go, Yankees! Lou Piniella!