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  • Sometimes you don't want to see Gone With The Wind. Sometimes you just want to see a good, old fashioned titty-flic. They don't make films like these anymore: films that fell somewhere between the drive-in, the grind house and late night cable. SPLITZ was one of the amazing topless-not-plot less popcorn movies that made it into regular rotation on HBO and Cinemax back in the glorious early 80s. Taking more than a cue from Animal House and then paying tribute to Russ Meyer's BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS, SPLITZ hits the ground running with a soundtrack reminiscent of either VALLEY GIRL or NEW WAVE HOOKERS, and it's thoroughly enjoyable in that Bevis & Butthead kinda way. A perfect night with the guys film, custom made for a movie marathon. Just add beer, bong and a bag of chips and you'll be happily on your way. Look for a very early cameo by Comedy Central regular (and Big Lebowski bit player) Dom Irrera. Perfectly captures the era in which it was made.
  • Warning: Spoilers
    A trio of sororities go into competition to save their house from being torn down to make way for a new sewage treatment plant, so an aspiring girl band joins the underdogs to ensure they're not the loser.

    I'm really surprised this movie doesn't have a minor cult following. During the mid-'80s it was in heavy rotation on HBO and Cinemax, I think it also aired on USA Up All Night (if you're old enough that should tell you what sort of film it is), and it stood out on video shelves because the front cover (a cheerleader doing the splits) was cleverly printed sideways. Like all of the corny T&A movies from that era, it doesn't aspire to be anything more than what it is: mindless silliness. There are heavy comparisons to "Animal House," but personally I think it's got more of a "Rock N Roll High School" type of vibe.

    The story jumps all over the map. The first 15 minutes focus on the band and their manager before the movie shifts gears to the sorority. Then we're off to visit the mobster family of guitarist Gina for a subplot involving her pathetic cousin Vinnie, who discovers he can hypnotize women to lure them into bed. Back to the sorority for a soccer game, then they go to seduce a dentist, back to school for lingerie wrestling and then they head off to the diner for a spontaneous (and infectiously catchy) musical number! And then it's time for strip-basketball (kinda disappointing since nobody gets fully naked)... If you're bored with one scene, rest assured that the story's soon to veer off into another direction! A lot of it is idiotic, but there are some golden moments scattered throughout.

    The film's biggest asset is its cast (although there is some obligatory bad b-movie acting). Robin Johnson, who attained a cult following all her own after landing the lead in "Times Square," had true star potential. In her role as Splitz's guitarist, receives star billing as well as many of the best one-liners, which she delivers with snarky gusto. Unfortunately they didn't bother to utilize her awesome singing voice, she fades into the background for huge chunks of the film and she doesn't bare all. Tom McCleister (one of Al Bundy's regular No Ma'am cohorts) also shines as horny Neanderthal Warwick, who winds up coaching the merry band of misfits. Shirley Stoler (The Honeymoon Killers) devours the scenery as the evil Dean Hunta, a character that would be right at home in a John Waters movies... and if you ever wanted to see Madam Lonely Hearts belt out a tune, here's your chance!. Character actor Dom Irrera (The Big Lebowski) injects the perfect combination of innocent naivety and sleaze into his hypnotist act; Amelia David could've built a career as the wisecracking fat chick (sadly this is her only IMDb credit); Tara King is pitch-perfect (shrill) as the snotty, virginal and aptly named nemesis Fern Hymenstein and Forbes Riley (Splatter University star and future infomercial host) seemed to delight in portraying condescending kiss-ass rival Lois Scagliani.

    The film's other big redeeming feature is its soundtrack, though no album was issued and the credits are riddled with errors (who REALLY sang "We're a Miracle?" Diane Scanlon said she didn't!). In addition to the movie's catchy original songs, there's prominently featured tracks by Del Shannon, Blondie, Rick Derringer, Bonnie Tyler, and John Hiatt.

    The film pales a bit next to some of its contemporaries, which could be why it's fallen through the cracks. It lacks the inherent sweetness of "Zapped!," "Midnight Madness" and "Meatballs 2," and the rampant sexuality of "Joysticks," "Young Doctors in Love" and "Hollywood Hot Tubs." Still "Splitz" is a fun little '80s flick that shouldn't be as completely obscure as it seems to be. Here's hoping someday we get a widescreen release of the original R-rated print, rather than the PG-13 version that was issued on VHS and briefly available on DVD.
  • Warning: Spoilers
    I gave this movie a 5 on the comic value of Fern Hymenstein, the busty blonde stuck up villain in this battle of the sororities. Right out of the box we learn that Fern's admirable assets are rumored to be less than authentic. A fact her lovable rivals find amusing. The movie stays true to form, showing Fern with her pointy pushed up bust-line for the whole movie. No other references to her false bust are made until the final scene she is knocked unconscious and her inflatable bra deflates. Obviously foreshadowed in the beginning of the movie, it was satisfying to see them follow through with the punchline. Artifice Exposed fans will love it.
  • Domonic Paris strikes again! Not content with resting on the laurels of his earlier (and only) DRACULA'S LAST RITES, a vampire film seen by less than 50 people I imagine, Mr Paris gives the world what can only be described as a cornball, low porn sorority caper with nothing but a few braless (read as brainless if you wish) co-eds on show.

    If one is to accept that attempting to stave off the closure of a sorority house due to lack of interest, makes for a viable movie plotline, by all means watch this. You'll probably be just the 9th person (the other 8 have already voted)

    What's next for Paris? GONE WITH THE NIPPLE?