Crime Killer (1985)

I have a confession to make – I watch way too many bad movies. Most of them end up being exactly that, just plain bad. But, as most bad movie junkies can attest to, you sometimes stumble upon a film that is so bad that it transcends its poor acting, directing and everything else to become entertaining in some tangible way. THE CRIME KILLER, courtesy of writer/director/lead George Pan-Andreas, is one such film. Pan-Andreas, apparently very proud of his Greek heritage, plays Zeus, a cop so super that he gets involved in everything from shootouts with LA street thugs to investigating who killed the President's ex-wife. After all, he is the killer of crime.

One of the film's biggest assets is the script. THE CRIME KILLER is filled with some of the most amazing dialogue ramblings I have heard in a long time. Every other line comes from the screenplay cliché book and some seem to go on and on. For instance, check out the subtle interplay between Zeus and the Police Chief as the Chief (predictably) asks Zeus to re-join the squad.

Chief: "I need you."

Zeus: "How can I come back now? You broke my heart. I have nothing to offer."

Chief: "I know."

Only enhancing the hilarity is that Pan-Andreas plays all of this totally straight and delivers it with a thick Greek accent that reminds me of my own Greek relatives.

Pan-Andreas does have his heart in the right place though and wedges in a fight scene or car chase every ten minutes or so. Sometimes they really feel forced like the scene where Zeus gets into a kung fu fight and tells his defeated foe that, "I need you to do something for me." The audience is never privy to that information and the character is never seen again! There is even a hazardous looking motorcycle stunt that surely sent the daring stunt man (who loses his wig in the process) to the hospital. Pan-Andreas also includes a topless tennis scene (apparently a past time of the wealthy), previously utilized in the early 80s kung fu/Richard Harrison vehicle CHALLENGE OF THE TIGER.

Being a film of the mid-80s, the obligatory Vietnam reference is thrown in with some flashbacks (Zeus and his two crime fighting brothers were in 'Nam together). Oddly, these three guys don't feel their war and POW experiences helped them enough in dealing with a mafia syndicate so they spend 10 odd minutes of the film (30 days in the movie world) training with a scrawny looking drill sergeant. And nearly everything he teaches them is useless because the trio end up shooting and stabbing everyone in the final showdown rather than climbing rope bridges.

THE CRIME KILLER was released on New World Home Video in 1987. Pan-Andreas actually filmed a sequel showing the further exploits of Zeus almost 20 years later titled GOLDEN TARGET. As of right now, it has only been sold to the German video market. Damn those lucky Germans!