David Howard: Shut up Brad! Your song stunk, I hate your suit and I could hurt you!

David Howard: Say it! Say it! Say "I lost the nest-egg." Go on, say it!

David Howard: I've seen the future! And it's a bald-headed man from New York!

[at Hoover Dam]

David Howard: Nice dam, huh? Do you want to go first, or should I?

David Howard: He'll buy that boat from that stupid boat catalog he's been making me look at for the last two months, and he will crash that boat off Catalina Island, and he will drown and die and seals will eat him.

Casino Security Guard: [notices David wearing pajamas] You can't come in here dressed like that.

David Howard: I saw The Electric Horseman. An animal rode through here with lights on.

Employment Agent: You couldn't change your life on a hundred thousand a year?

David Howard: Did you ever see "Easy Rider"?

Employment Agent: No. But I saw "Easy Money." Rodney Dangerfield, I like him.

David Howard: As the boldest experiment in advertising history, you give us our money back.

Desert Inn Casino Manager: I beg your pardon?

David Howard: Weren't you scared? What were you talking about?

Linda Howard: Oh, God. I - He was telling me his whole life story. He was divorced. He got kicked out of the Army. He couldn't keep the job. Do you know he escaped from prison?

David Howard: What did he do?

Linda Howard: Well, to hear him tell it, he says those two guys were dead when he got there.

David Howard: Oh, God!

Desert Inn Casino Manager: You're a nice guy, you make me laugh. But our policy is: we can't give your money back.

David Howard: That's why I married her.

Skippy: That's why I hired her.

David Howard: What's this?

Bellman: Junior bridal suite.

David Howard: Gee, I gave a guy a hundred bucks to get the best bridal suite in the house. Is there a senior bridal suite?

Bellman: I don't know.

David Howard: But I gave him $100.

Bellman: I don't know.

David Howard: Can I get into this room? Is there a big living room that goes here?

Bellman: I don't know.

David Howard: Do you think there'd be a way to get one large heart mattress? I don't think you can push those together.

Bellman: I don't know.

David Howard: Not at all?

Bellman: I don't know.

David Howard: We're in hell. We've entered hell! When?

David Howard: [to Linda, after she has gambled away their money] If you pick up that Keno card, I'll kill you. I'll kill you.

Linda Howard: [repeated line, at the roulette table] Twenty-two, twenty-two, come on back to me, come on back to me!

David Howard: Why didn't you tell me when we got married that you were this horrible gambling addict? It's like when you have a venereal disease - you tell somebody!

Linda Howard: I've only gambled twice in my life. This was the second time.

David Howard: I lost a woman! A whole woman!

David Howard: Linda, quit, I'll wait right here.

Linda Howard: Why - I can't quit now.

David Howard: Yes you can!

Linda Howard: No I can't!

David Howard: I did!

Linda Howard: I know, but even if I wanted to, my boss isn't here, there's no one I can quit to.

David Howard: Well, it's time to get out. We have to touch Indians. We have to see the mountains and the prairies and the whole rest of that song. Let's make love right now. I want to have sex with you right here. Right now! Right here!

David Howard: I'm insane and responsible. This is a potent combination.

David Howard: Why don't you spend $10,000? You could rent the Goodyear blimp, fly around and flash positive things!

David Howard: I was on the road to nowhere. Do you know the road? It's a nowhere road. It goes nowhere! You're on it! You don't know it?

Linda Howard: No.

David Howard: It's a nowhere road.

Pharmacist in Safford AZ: I don't believe an older man in a motor home would work out.

David Howard: We're up!

Linda Howard: We're still down.

David Howard: How down?

Linda Howard: Down.

David Howard: How down is she?

Desert Inn Casino Manager: Down.

David Howard: Quit!

Linda Howard: What?

David Howard: Quit your job.

Linda Howard: Quit my job?

David Howard: I did. You too do it.

Linda Howard: You quit your job?

David Howard: Well, I didn't really quit, but I got fired. But it was the same thing. Linda, you were right. No more "responsible David". I'm free! I was responsibly blind, honey. I was a dead man.

Linda Howard: I would never have used that word, if I knew you'd have taken it so literally. I didn't mean anything by it.

David Howard: I'm crediting you for saving my life.

Linda Howard: It was just a word!

David Howard: Linda, they were jacking me off!

Linda Howard: Ssssh!

David Howard: [in hushed tone] They were jacking me off!

David Howard: Now, play devil's advocate. Can't you live 20 years on $145,000 if you're living out of a motor home and just eating and painting and writing books? I mean, this is what we talked about when we were 19. Remember, we kept saying, "Let's find ourselves," but we didn't have a dollar! So, we watched television instead.

Linda Howard: This morning, after the contractor left, I was all alone and I sat in the middle of the living room floor. I got so sad. You know, a preview of the next ten years. I just started shaking. I don't like anything anymore. I don't like my life. I don't like my house. I don't like anything.

Patty: What do you mean?

Linda Howard: Nothing's changing. I'm not. David's not. We've just stopped. Life's just going by.

David Howard: This is just like "Easy Rider." Except, now it's our turn. I mean, we can drop out and we can still have our nest egg!

David Howard: After tomorrow, everything is going to be better. I'm positive. Don't you think so?

Linda Howard: You always say that.

David Howard: I know, but, for eight years its been one way. I've been this employee. And then tomorrow, I'll get this promotion and that's it! I mean, I'll have stock in this agency. That makes me responsible. Genuinely responsible. So, I can fool around now. Now, I can be irresponsible. I'll get a position of responsibility. Do you know what I mean?

Linda Howard: We really can do anything we want, can't we?

David Howard: Who's stopping us?

Linda Howard: Nobody.

David Howard: In the campaign you make a clear distinction between the bold, who would be my wife and l, and then all the other schmucks who come here to see Wayne Newton.

Desert Inn Casino Manager: I like Wayne Newton.

David Howard: I said Wayne Newton?

Desert Inn Casino Manager: What? What are you talking about? I heard you say, "Schmucks see Wayne Newton." I like him. That makes me a schmuck?

Boy on Bicycle: Get us across the street, retardo!

David Howard: Don't call me "retardo."

Boy on Bicycle: Come on, retardo!

David Howard: I'm driving a whale here.

Linda Howard: Why don't we make this like a real old-fashioned honeymoon? Let's go to the best hotel, get a honeymoon suite and just celebrate our heads off.

David Howard: We don't want to stay in Las Vegas. This represents everything we left. This is the worst money-grubbing place in the world!

Linda Howard: Yeah, I know. But, just tonight. Wouldn't it be fun to have room service, make love in a big bed, and watch porno movies? Wouldn't that be fun?

David Howard: Porno movies? We want to touch Indians.

David Howard: To America - look out! Here we come.