Terrence 'Doc' Williams: [voice-over] Drain out all the water, take in plenty of oil, grease up that back end, get out on the highway and go at full speed for about ten miles. See how it feels.

Joan Pudillo: No-one's ever mentioned this to me before.

Amy Hopkins: I work at NASA, I am a rocket scientist.

Dana Cannon: Aren't you guys in the wrong room? Shouldn't you be next door at the pro acid rain rally?

Dana Cannon: [coming into classroom as if he were the instructor] All right people, settle down, take your seats, thank you...

[to kid wearing red shirt]

Dana Cannon: That means you too, Red.

[to black man with dredlocks]

Dana Cannon: Hey man, I've got all your albums, you're the greatest! All right, everybody stand up, please! Everybody up, c'mon!

[to Wink Barnes, who refuses]

Dana Cannon: You! In the back! You waiting for a special invitation?

Wink Barnes: [leaning back in his chair] You talkin' to me?

Dana Cannon: Yes, you too! Uppity-up-up-up!

[he rises]

Dana Cannon: You're gonna like this! C'mon! Now, breathe in...

[class members take deep breath in]

Dana Cannon: ... blow out

[they blow out]

Dana Cannon: . Breathe in, blow out. That's it. Now, shake it out

[all wiggle]

Dana Cannon: Good.

[Deputies Halik and Morris enter]

Dana Cannon: Now, if the women will all be so kind as to take off all their clothes, we can get things rolling.

Deputy Halik: Sit DOWN, Mr. Cannon!

Dana Cannon: Wait, wait. Could it be?

[to camera]

Dana Cannon: How big a coincidence is this?

[singing song]

Dana Cannon: Reunited, 'cause it feels so good!

[class collectively laughs]

Deputy Halik: We're your traffic school instructors!

Dana Cannon: Aren't you guys in the wrong room? Shouldn't you be next door at the pro-acid rain rally?

Deputy Virginia Morris: Sit down before I mold your face into an ashtray.

Dana Cannon: See, all you had to do was ask nicely.

Mrs. Loretta Houk: [sitting on the front of a urinal] What's a man doing in the Ladies Room?

Dana Cannon: This is the Men's Room, Mrs. Houk.

Mrs. Loretta Houk: Oh.


Mrs. Loretta Houk: Why is my back all wet?

Joan Pudillo: How can I be a hypochondriac when I'm sick all the time?

Deputy Virginia Morris: What is this powder?

Dana Cannon: Fertilizer.

Deputy Virginia Morris: [disgustedly spits it out] Ughhhh! Shit!

Dana Cannon: Exactly!

Dana Cannon: It's like I always say. When the going gets tough, the tough get going in their pants.

Deputy Halik: You've changed my life! You've taught me a whole new of looking at the law.

Judge Nedra Henderson: Well come on back to my place. I'll show you a whole new way of looking at my body.

Deputy Halik: So what's it going to be? Boxing? Karate? Wrestling?

Dana Cannon: Are you kidding? Look, wimp...

Amy Hopkins: [terrified] Oh, Jesus...

Dana Cannon: You come on as this big macho strong man. How about a real test of strength? How about arm wrestling?

Deputy Halik: Sounds good, Cannon. I happen to be Western Division arm wrestling champ, so don't be surprised when I break your arm in two!

Dana Cannon: Sounds fun. Come on, dickhead!

Wink Barnes: Ok I got it! First we kill him, then we cut off his face!

Dana Cannon: Wink, you're a sick man. I thought you should know that.

Judge Nedra Henderson: Are you going to be a good boy?

Deputy Halik: Yes, mommy, yes!

Scott Greeber: I hit a casket with a puppet stage. What am I doing here?

Deputy Halik: I got my promotion.

Deputy Virginia Morris: I got my period.

Dana Cannon: So instead of pissing and moaning about how bad off we are, let's zero in on the guy who made sure we'd never drive again. Let's get the guy who screwed us. Let's get Halik!

Mrs. Loretta Houk: Yeah fuck him! Rip his nuts off!

Deputy Halik: By the time you complete this course, you will know all the rules of the road, backwards and forwards.

Dana Cannon: [raises hand] Will there be any cooking tips, like what to do with those darned holiday leftovers?

Mrs. Loretta Houk: [after throwing a flare in the trunk of a car and setting it ablaze] Did I do something wrong?

Dana Cannon: Not from where I stand.

Dana Cannon: [to Mrs. Houk who is standing watch] Did you see anybody?

Mrs. Loretta Houk: I don't know.

Dana Cannon: Good.

[Mrs. Houk, who has been drinking, lets out a huge belch]

Deputy Halik: Before you go home tonight, we'd like to show you a little film on traffic safety called, "Blood Flows Red on the Highway."

Wink Barnes: All right!

Jeff Roth: [looking very concerned] I crashed the Mercedes, my dad is going to kill me!

Wink Barnes: Hey man, I got an advice for you, go to your local video store, and rent "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre". It will relax you.

Dana Cannon: Hey, Wink, do us a favor. Try to be a normal person for the next five minutes, okay?

[Dana and Halik are inside the Men's room; Dana attempts to make amends with Halik by apologizing and shaking hands]

Dana Cannon: Hey, look. I think we've got off on the wrong foot, and I'm sorry. Why don't we shake hands and wipe the slate clean?

[Halik angrly shoves Dana against the wall]

Deputy Halik: [cross] Now look, mister. I'll be straight with you: I hate your ass.

Dana Cannon: Oh, come on. This has gone too far.

Deputy Halik: [furious] Shut up! I'm teaching this shithead class 'cause you got me demoted! That's right. You screwed up my promotion, my career. And now I'm gonna screw things up for you.

Dana Cannon: Sounds fair.

Deputy Halik: You just watch yourself.

[cracks his right knuckle]

Deputy Halik: I'll crush you.

Dana Cannon: Okay, but just long as we can still be friends, okay?

Dana Cannon: [whining] Dad, are we there yet? I'm hungry.

Deputy Halik: Shut up!

[Halik pees in his pants as an 18 wheeler crashes into the traffic school's Chevrolet Malibu test car]

Dana Cannon: It's like I always say: When the going gets tough, the tough get going in their pants.

[Amy, Wink, and Jeff laughs; Halik covers his area]

Deputy Halik: [turns cross] Go ahead and laugh. None of you gonna finish Traffic School anyway. You're gonna all fail. And I guarantee you: None of you will ever see your cars again.

[Upon seeing the wrecked track, caused by Scott and rigged by Halik, the class automatically fails the course; The class walks from the course feeling devastated]

Spencer Popadophalos: We didn't do so hot.

Dana Cannon: How about "We all failed"?

Joan Pudillo: My God, we're never gonna drive again.

Scott Greeber: I don't believe it.

Jeff Roth: That's it. My Dad's coming back in town tomorrow. I'm dead

[Halik and Morris approaches]

Deputy Halik: Too bad. Tough break. If I were you, I'd get used to public transportation.

[the class are all at Dana's place, drinking beer and sulking in sadness]

Terrence 'Doc' Williams: I'm in the car business and I can't drive.

Spencer Popadophalos: We're screwed. We got shafted.

Jeff Roth: My Dad's gonna kill me.

Wink Barnes: Not if we get to him first.

Scott Greeber: Let's face it. We're never gonna drive again.

Dana Cannon: Wait a minute here! I can't believe I'm hearing this. You think we're finished, washed up, history? Well, I've got news for ya: It's not over till it's over! Look at Michael Jackson. His hair caught on fire. Did he give up? No. He called the fire department and went on a Victory tour. All right. Now instead of pissing and moaning about how bad off we are, let's zero in on the guy who made sure we'd never drive again. Let's get the guy who screwed us. Let's get Halik!

Mrs. Loretta Houk: [drunk] Yeah, fuck him! Rip his nuts off!

Dana Cannon: All right, I think she's had enough to drink, but she's right. Let's get some beers. Let's go get him! Come on! Right now!

Wink Barnes: [trying a pickup line] So. What's your favorite chainsaw massacre?

Wink Barnes: Hi

Amy Hopkins: Hi

Wink Barnes: Did you see Friday The 13th?

Amy Hopkins: No, no, I haven't.

Wink Barnes: Well, what about the 13th... two, three, or four? What about five?

Amy Hopkins: Missed them all!

Wink Barnes: Well, that's too bad... they were great. Hey, hey... did you like it more when Clint Eastwood got his hand carved off, or when the seven hands came out of the scar face?

Amy Hopkins: Let's see... oh, there's my bus, I gotta go!

Wink Barnes: Nice talking to you.

Dana Cannon: This should be good. Stay tuned.