[O.C. and Stiggs are at Lenora Schwab's wedding and are fooling with the Uzi they gave as a present.]

Randall: Hey, whatcha got?

Stiggs: Randall, how would you like to have more fun than you've ever had in your life?

Randall: I don't know. I've had a lot of fun. I have Legos, you know.

Oliver Cromwell 'O.C.' Ogilvie: I dunno about this, Stiggs. That goon has a gun!

Mark Stiggs: It's OK! He's crazy!

Oliver Cromwell 'O.C.' Ogilvie: [talking about the car dealer, Ms. Bunny] It was the last case that gramps had before he retired... she got off with a hung jury.

Mark Stiggs: They hung the whole jury?

Mark Stiggs: [specifying the Gila Monster car to Ms Bunny] OK, Ms. Bunny! Number 1, we want zero miles to the gallon.

Oliver Cromwell 'O.C.' Ogilvie: Right. No MPGs. It has to be a vulgarlay inefficient mode of trasnportation.

Mark Stiggs: Loud, real loud. It has to generate a terrifyingly seismic field of noise. If we could combine really loud noise with the ugliness of poverty, we'd have the ideal car.

Mark Stiggs: ...making people think that you're poor, so they know you've got nothing to loose if they crash into your car....

Mark Stiggs: Here's a list of places I want this car to be totally unwelcome. Number one: funerals. Number two: affairs of state, you know, real formal ones...ones with...chamber music. Number three: wet golf greens. Number four: the acropolis.

Oliver Cromwell 'O.C.' Ogilvie: Ah, yes. Driving this car right in the acropolis should be completely horrifying to every civilized guy on earth.

Mark Stiggs: [speaking to Sponson about what wedding gift to buy for Lenore Schwab] She's real frail and introverted, she likes to dance to ballet and play her harp. We thought she'd be happier with a... machine gun.

Mr. Granger: Oliver, is it? Oliver Cromwell Ogilvy.

Oliver Cromwell 'O.C.' Ogilvie: Uh, just O.C.'s fine.

Stiggs: It stands for "Out of Control".

Sponson: Here, blow the place.

[hands him a grenade]

Stiggs: This is re... This is real!

Sponson: Yeah, everything gets to be sooner or later.

Stiggs: Hey, you know, you guys better have badges.

Bandito: Badges? Badges? We don't have no stinkin' badges. We got souvenirs. You wanna buy some goodies? Machetes? Come again, amigo. Top discount.

Pat Coletti: This is the life, isn't it? I wonder what the poor people are doing tonight.

[scoffs]

Pat Coletti: I know where 624 of them will be on Monday morning. Workin' for me. In my sweatshop.

[toasting]

Pat Coletti: To Mexico.

Stiggs: So, what do you, like, do?

Pat Coletti: Basically, I drink. And I make a lot of money.

Stiggs: I mean, what kind of work do you do, that you *can* do, really wasted?

Pat Coletti: Hog couture, boys.

Stiggs: Hog couture? How's that?

Pat Coletti: I manufacture clothes for fat women.

[last lines]

Gramps: [meeting his new nurse] Hey, if you're gonna be hanging around the house, I need to know two things.

Nurse: What are those?

Gramps: Can you make huevos rancheros?

Nurse: Oh, I can manage that.

Gramps: Good. Now, what's your story on menopause, huh?

Nurse: I always pause for men, Harry.