Howard Hesseman: Pete Lassard
Photos
Quotes
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[Cmdt. Lassard's water in his fishbowl is boiling on the hibachi]
Pete Lassard : This fish is boiling.
Japanese Chef : Oh, you want stir fry?
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Pete Lassard : [over the CB radio] Come on, guys! Step on it!
[Vinnie's dog steps on Captain Lassard's lap]
Pete Lassard : [in pain] Not you, Lou!
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Chief Hurst : It's official, Captain Lassard. This is now the worst precinct in the entire city! Burglary up 25%, armed robbery up 30%, vandalism up 44%!
Lt. Mauser : Sir, I think if you'll check, burglary is actually up 48%.
Chief Hurst : [to Lassard] There? You hear that?
[to Mauser]
Chief Hurst : Who are you?
Lt. Mauser : Mauser, sir. M as in man A-U, S as in Sam.
Pete Lassard : Oh, shut up and sit down, Mauser. He didn't ask for your biography.
Lt. Mauser : E-R, sir.
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Lt. Mauser : [in the squad room where Mauser is seen wearing a horrible-looking wig] Well, it seems that yours truly was the object of a malicious prank. Now, can anybody in here tell me...
[exposes his hands covered in black glue residue]
Lt. Mauser : How this happened?
Carey Mahoney : I can, sir, and if you don't stop that, you could go blind.
[the other officers start chuckling as Mauser and Proctor react in fury]
Lt. Mauser : You think you're funny, don't you, Mahoney? Well, you're on report.
[to Proctor]
Lt. Mauser : Put him on report.
[Proctor immediately gets out his notepad as an angry Captain Lassard enters the room covered in spray-paint graffiti]
Lt. Mauser : We are not going to leave this room until we find out what happened!
[Lassard angrily slams his coat on the table as he looks at Lassard]
Lt. Mauser : What happened?
Pete Lassard : [annoyed] What's going on here?
Lt. Mauser : Oh, nothing, sir. I was just reprimanding your men.
Pete Lassard : Oh, the hell with your goddamn reprimands.
Lt. Mauser : No, sir, you don't understand.
Pete Lassard : Shut up, Lieutenant, I have something to say!
Lt. Mauser : [shows Lassard his hands] Sir, would you take a look at my hands?
Pete Lassard : I think it's a matter of personal hygiene. I am talking about public safety!
Lt. Mauser : [under his breath] Yes, sir.
Pete Lassard : [to the officers] Now, listen up, everybody. This is serious. We've got to do something. This is war! Now, we didn't start it, but we are going to finish it. I don't care if we have to work time in a half, I don't care if we have to work double-time, but mark my words, we are going to nail these punks, starting now!
[everybody jumps from their chairs waving their batons in glory]
Sistrunk : Let's kick ass!
[fires gun in the air, alarming everybody in the room]
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Pete Lassard : [he, Mahoney, and Schultman are sitting having dinner at a bar after all of them lose their jobs] We don't know where they come from, where they hide out. We don't even know who their leader is. Oh, I would just love to nail that bunch.
Carey Mahoney : I'd love to get my job back.
Vinnie Schtulman : I say we do what Baretta would do.
Carey Mahoney : Baretta?
Pete Lassard , Vinnie Schtulman : Yeah. Disguise yourself, go undercover, infiltrate that gang.
Carey Mahoney : Schultman...
Pete Lassard : You think YOU could do that?
Vinnie Schtulman : No.
[points to Mahoney]
Vinnie Schtulman : But he could.
Pete Lassard : [to Mahoney] He's right.
Carey Mahoney : No.
Pete Lassard : You're young enough. Hell, you look like one of the little creeps!
Carey Mahoney : Sir, he's talking about a television show!
Pete Lassard : All right, Mahoney, here's the deal. I can't pay you your salary, can't even give you expenses, and if you get yourself in a jam, I might not be able to bail you out. It could be dangerous.
Vinnie Schtulman : You could get killed.
Pete Lassard : He's right.
Carey Mahoney : [after a pause] Sounds awfully tempting.
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Lt. Mauser : [now the commanding officer of the precinct and is grilling the rookies in the squad room] From this moment on, I am the commanding de facto of this precinct. My name is Lieutenant Mauser. Mauser. On Thursday last, yours truly was the object of a disgusting, personal attack and I would like to hear some names. Just some names.
[everybody sits silently]
Lt. Mauser : Okay. Have it your way...
[walks over to Sistrunk]
Lt. Mauser : ... but I will suspend EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU!
Carey Mahoney : [stands up] Sir... I did it.
[Sistrunk points to Mahoney for Mauser and he walks over to him]
Lt. Mauser : Mahoney, what--what kind of clown do you think I am?
Carey Mahoney : A juggling clown?
[everybody starts stifling their laughter as Mauser's left eye begins to twitch in anger]
Lt. Mauser : You're suspended... INDEFINITELY! SIT DOWN!
Pete Lassard : [stands up, much to Mahoney's shock] You can't do that!
Lt. Mauser : What?
Pete Lassard : You suspend him, you suspend me!
Lt. Mauser : My pleasure! Sit down, smelly!
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Pete Lassard : [after Hurst angrily reads the city's crime statistics] Look, Hurst, what do you expect? You cut my budget, you cut my staff! I got nothing to work with! Look around! These guys are old, they're tired! They just can't cut it anymore.
Chief Hurst : Well, maybe they need a new captain, Lassard. The mayor wants results. You remember the mayor? She wants something done about this. Now, what do you propose?
Pete Lassard : I propose you take your nose out of MY business, go back to the mayor's office, and put it where it usually is.
