[Cmdt. Lassard's water in his fishbowl is boiling on the hibachi]

Cmdt. Eric Lassard: This fish is boiling.

Japanese chef: Oh you want stir fry?

Mahoney: Never fool with a fuzz ball.

Lt. Mauser: You're not playing with a full deck, are you?

Sergeant Proctor: Oh, I don't play cards.

Lt. Mauser: Any day now, Mahoney, and your little ass is mine.

Mahoney: You wanted to see me, sir?

Lt. Mauser: Mahoney, didn't your mother teach you how to knock?

Mahoney: It depends. Sir? I hope this isn't going to be too personal? I heard what you said about my little butt and I don't know how to break this to you, sir, but I'm straight.

Lt. Mauser: Let me see your piece. There's no round in the chamber.

Officer Hooks: I was afraid it might go off.

Lt. Mauser: Oh, heavens to be, it might go off. That's one for Hooks.

Lt. Mauser: That is all. Thanks for your time.

Officer Hooks: What about me, sir? Don't I get a car?

Lt. Mauser: [imitating Hooks] "Oh, what about me sir? Don't I get a car?" No, you don't get a car. You get a nice little chair and a nice little desk and a nice little office for your nice little voice!

Officer Hooks: Asshole!

Lt. Mauser: That's two!

Lt. Mauser: Hey, wait a minute! My hands are stuck with my head! What the fuck?

Lt. Mauser: Mahoney, what kind of clown do you think I am?

Mahoney: A juggling clown?

[after seeing his cat pooped in the cereal]

Sgt. Vinnie: Oh I'm sorry, would you like some?

Mahoney: [shocked] I'm on a diet.

[Sargent Vinnie picks up a chocolate bar out of a rubbish bin]

Sgt. Vinnie: Look at that. A half eaten Nestle Crunch bar. It's hardly been touched.

Mahoney: Vinnie, you're not gonna eat that are you?

Sgt. Vinnie: Why, you wanna split it?

[Mahoney wears a microphone while infiltrating Zed's gang]

Mahoney: So what is this place? It smells like animals.

Sgt. Vinnie: They took him to my place?

Capt. Peter 'Pete' Lassard: Come on guys step on it.

[Vinnie's dog steps on Captain Lassard's lap]

Capt. Peter 'Pete' Lassard: Not you Lou.

Greengrocer: Not on broccoli!

Chief Hurst: Mauser, you're the most incredible ass-kisser I have ever seen.

Lt. Mauser: Thank you very much, sir. I do my best.

Sergeant Proctor: Hightower!

Officer Moses Hightower: Yo!

Lt. Mauser: Yo?

Officer Moses Hightower: Yo, sir!

Lt. Mauser: Yo, sir... You must be from the south! That's "Yes, sir." You got foot patrol.

Chief Hurst: It's official, Captain Lassard. This is now the worst precinct in the entire city! Burglary up 25%, armed robbery up 30%, vandalism up 44%.

Lt. Mauser: Actually, Chief, if you'd look, burglary is actually up 48%.

Chief Hurst: Thank you. Who are you?

Lt. Mauser: Mauser, sir. M as in man A-U, S as in Sam.

Capt. Peter 'Pete' Lassard: Oh, shut up and sit down, Mauser. He asked for your name, not your biography.

Lt. Mauser: E-R, sir.

Zed: Don't make me flare my nostrils!

Mahoney: You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to a court appointed attorney. You have the right to sing the blues. You have the right to cable TV... that's very important. You have the right to sublet. You have the right to paint the walls... no loud colors.

Tackleberry: [softly] Mahoney... Mahoney... I'm a virgin.

[Everyone in the bar stops and looks at Tackleberry]


Sgt. Vinnie: Hey, would it be OK if I eat real quick?

Mahoney: Yeah, go ahead, go ahead.

Sgt. Vinnie: Aw, thanks. Y'know, next to lunch and dinner, breakfast is the most important meal of the day.