Mahoney: Never fool with a fuzz ball.
Lt. Mauser: Any day now, Mahoney, and your little ass is mine.
Mahoney: You wanted to see me, sir?
Lt. Mauser: Mahoney, didn't your mother teach you how to knock?
Mahoney: It depends. Sir? I hope this isn't going to be too personal? I heard what you said about my little butt and I don't know how to break this to you, sir, but I'm straight.
Lt. Mauser: That is all. Thanks for your time.
Officer Hooks: What about me, sir? Don't I get a car?
Lt. Mauser: [imitating Hooks] "Oh, what about me sir? Don't I get a car?" No, you don't get a car. You get a nice little chair and a nice little desk and a nice little office for your nice little voice!
Officer Hooks: Asshole!
Lt. Mauser: That's two!
Lt. Mauser: Hey, wait a minute! My hands are stuck with my head! What the fuck?
Greengrocer: Not on broccoli!
Chief Hurst: It's official, Captain Lassard. This is now the worst precinct in the entire city! Burglary up 25%, armed robbery up 30%, vandalism up 44%.
Lt. Mauser: Actually, Chief, if you'd look, burglary is actually up 48%.
Chief Hurst: Thank you. Who are you?
Lt. Mauser: Mauser, sir. M as in man A-U, S as in Sam.
Capt. Peter 'Pete' Lassard: Oh, shut up and sit down, Mauser. He asked for your name, not your biography.
Lt. Mauser: E-R, sir.
Zed: Don't make me flare my nostrils!
Mahoney: You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to a court appointed attorney. You have the right to sing the blues. You have the right to cable TV... that's very important. You have the right to sublet. You have the right to paint the walls... no loud colors.