Babes in Toyland (1986 TV Movie)

Richard Mulligan: Barnie, Barnaby Barnicle

Photos 

Quotes 

• Barnie : Hi there, beautiful. I've been watching you with the teddy bears. What do you think you're running here, a charity bazaar?

  Mary Piper : The merchandise was faulty. There was no refund. A customer took a punching bag in exchange and was quite satisfied.

  Barnie : One thing I can say for you, angel eyes, your personal merchandise is by no means faulty, but I when say, "Push the teddy bears", I mean, "*Push* the teddy bears". Clear?

  Mary Piper : I'm not a salesperson, Mr. Barnie. I'm customer service and I was doing my job.

  Barnie : Come here. Doing your job is pleasing me. Which in your case will not be difficult. You know what I mean?

  Mary Piper : No, I don't.

  Barnie : You know, for a smart-looking girl, you're really pretty dumb. Don't you know it's better business to be nice to the boss than to some pretty stock boy with his fingers in the tail?

  Lisa Piper : Don't you talk to Mary like that!

  Barnie : [sees Lisa]  What the heck is that?

  Mary Piper : That's my sister and she's absolutely right. Mr. Barnie, I suggest that you keep your smutty thoughts to yourself and stop making cheap accusations about a nice guy like Jack Fenton!

  Barnie : Oh, yeah? Well, with your attitude, you could be out of here real quick, you know that?

  Mary Piper : With your attitude, I could be out of here right now! There's a blizzard out there, it's Christmas Eve, but I'm gonna take my baby sister home.

  Lisa Piper : Mary!

  Mary Piper : I know. I know. You're not a baby, you're eleven years old. And if you have any conscience, which I know that you don't, you would advise all of your customers to get out of here while there's still time! Come on, Lisa. Let's go find Jack.

  Barnie : How do you like that? You ruin my biggest one-day take of the year. What are you, crazy?

• Mary Piper : [gives Lisa a Mountain Master]  Congratulations, Miss Piper, winning the "Sister of the Year" award.

  Lisa Piper : Oh, Mary. A Mountain Master. They're the best and so are you!

  Barnie : [sees Lisa holding the Mountain Master after Mary gives it to her]  Put that back, you little creep. That's stolen property!

  Lisa Piper : It costs exactly half of the salary that you own me, Mr. Barnie.

  Barnie : Well, you can sue me for the other half!

  Mary Piper : Come on, Lisa.

  [She and Lisa leave the toy store] 

  Barnie : And you two. The two of you? You can sue me too!

  George : That's just what we'll do. Merry Christmas.

  Jack Fenton : Merry Christmas.

  [They both pull down a net above him before leaving, and a pile of toys and balls fall on top of Barnie] 

• Lisa Piper : [takes out a microphone and uses it to get the customers attention]  Uh, excuse me, everybody. I just heard on tv there's gonna be a major snowstorm hitting Cincinnati any minute! It's Christmas Eve. You should all go home while you still can!

  Barnie : [sees Lisa holding the microphone and takes it from her]  Give me that! Give me that, you midget monster! There's nothing to worry about, folks. It's actually just a false alarm. Please, come on, now. It's just a little snow. I mean, what do you expect? It's Christmas!

  [uses the microphone to sing a song] 

  Barnie : Christmas time is snow time and no time it'll be Christmas again.

  Mary Piper : [gives Lisa a Mountain Master]  Congratulations, Miss Piper, on winning the "Sister of the Year" award.

  Lisa Piper : Oh, Mary. A Mountain Master. They're the best and so are you!

  Barnie : [sees Lisa holding the Mountain Master after Mary gives it to her]  Put that back, you little creep. That's stolen property!

  Mary Piper : It costs exactly half of the salary that you own me, Mr. Barnie.

  Barnie : Well, you can sue me for the other half!

  Mary Piper : Come on, Lisa.

  [She and Lisa leave the toy store] 

  Barnie : And you two. The two of you? You can sue me too!

  George : That's just what we'll do. Merry Christmas.

  Jack Fenton : Merry Christmas.

  [They both pull down a net above him before leaving, and a pile of toys and balls fall on top of Barnie] 

• Jack-be-Nimble : [grabs Lisa in her face with both of his hands menacingly]  You! So pretty! So nice! Now you come with me and be my trollog!

  Barnaby Barnicle : [grabs Barnaby, causing him to let go of Lisa]  Not quite yet, Uncle Barnaby.

  [lets go of Barnaby and punches him in the face] 

  Jack-be-Nimble : [grabs Jack by the throat, attempting to strangle him]  Jack not Be Nimble! Jack Be Dead!

  [Jack, however, punches Barnaby in the gut, thus causing him to release him] 

• Barnaby Barnicle : This is a very painful moment for me. My own nephew, a criminal! I'll be down to file formal charges in about three minutes.

• Jack-be-Nimble : Over my dead butt!

  Barnaby Barnicle : If necessary yes.

  Jack-be-Nimble : Everything Lisa warned us about you is true!

  Barnaby Barnicle : Oh, I hope so.

• Barnaby Barnicle : Jack not be Nimble. Jack be DEAD.

• Lisa Piper : How could you wish evil on the most wonderful place that ever existed? You're insane.

  Barnaby Barnicle : Well, yes!

• Barnaby Barnicle : For an evil person, I'm really very well organized, don't you think?

• Barnaby Barnicle : I'll smack the smiles off their faces, I'll kick the giggles out of their hearts. No more being - subtle!

• Barnaby Barnicle : Who are you?

  Lisa Piper : I'm Lisa Piper and I'm from Cincinnati.

  Barnaby Barnicle : Cinci-whatski?

  Lisa Piper : I'm not scared of you, Mr. Barnicle, let go of me.

  Barnaby Barnicle : Well, whoever you are, you will regret the day you ever set foot in Toyland.

  Lisa Piper : Oh, no, I won't. Except for you this looks like a wonderful place, and I'm glad I got here on the day Mary Contrary didn't marry you.

• The Toymaster : Ah, you two are the very first to see it. My newest creation.

  Lisa Piper : Toymaster, for once, there's something more important than a new toy. Jack and Mary have both disappeared and by the way things are looking, we could all end up disappearing.

  The Toymaster : Oh, why, poor Lisa, I can see that you're very upset.

  Lisa Piper : Yes, I am very, and this is no time for anybody to be playing with toys. Not even you.

  Georgie Porgie : Excuse me, Toymaster, we don't mean to be rude. It's just that we're both very concerned.

  The Toymaster : Well, it's a very tricky time around here right now working 24 hours a day and all. Santa Claus will be by soon to pick up his Christmas toys for the children of the world. We'll just have to manage, eh?

  Lisa Piper : Toymaster, I don't think you really realize what's going on in Toyland. The whole place is in great danger and you must do something right away. You really must.

  The Toymaster : Well, what exactly did you have in mind?

  Lisa Piper : Well, for instance: Don't you have the power to turn Barnaby into a... a wind-up pussycat or something? I mean, I don't think you realize how evil he is.

  The Toymaster : Oh, but what if there's still some good inside of him?

  Lisa Piper : There's no good in Barnaby, sir.

  The Toymaster : Lisa, I'm afraid that's not precisely true. The struggle between good and evil goes on inside of everyone.

  Barnaby Barnicle : [barges into the Toymaster's workshop]  Not in me, old man!

• Barnaby Barnicle : Oh, the beautiful flask of evil!

  Lisa Piper : We don't need anymore evil, Barnaby. You've got enough of your own.

  The Toymaster : [watches Barnaby walking towards her after being tied up by Barnaby]  Barnaby Barnicle, don't you dare touch the hair on that child!

  Lisa Piper : I'm not a child!

  Barnaby Barnicle : You're wrong, my interfering little cinci-whatski. I will use every ounce of evil the Toymaster has so kindly been collecting more every last drop.

• [At the Cookie Factory, Barnaby blows the whistle, the Cookie Factory Workers are heard and halted] 

  Barnaby Barnicle : Cookie break!

  [the Cookie Factory Workers are reacted and gasped] 

  Barnaby Barnicle : Yes, I mean cookie break! Cookie break!

  [the Cookie Factory Workers cheering and they are out of the Cookie Factory] 

• Barnie : Doing your job is pleasing me. Which in your case will not be difficult. You know what I mean?

  Mary Piper : No, I don't.

  Barnie : You know, for a smart-looking girl, you're really pretty dumb. Don't you know it's better business to be nice to the boss than to some pretty stock boy with his fingers in the tail?

  Lisa Piper : Don't you talk to Mary like that!

  Barnie : [sees Lisa]  What the heck is that?

  Mary Piper : That's my sister and she's absolutely right. Mr. Barnie, I suggest that you keep your smarty thoughts to yourself and stop making cheap accusations about a nice guy like Jack Fenton!

• Barnie : Oh, yeah? Well, with your attitude, you could be out of here right quick! You know that?

  Mary Piper : With your attitude, I could be out of here right now! There's a blizzard out there, it's Christmas Eve, but I'm gonna take my baby sister home.

  Lisa Piper : Mary!

  Mary Piper : I know. I know you're not a baby, you're eleven years old. And if you have any accumizations, which I know that you don't, you would advise all of your customers to get out of here while there's still time! Come on, Lisa. Let's go find Jack.

  Barnie : How do you like that? You ruin my biggest one-day take of the year. What are you, crazy?

• [Justice Grimm and the Bear Cops arrived at the Cookie Factory] 

  Barnaby Barnicle : Justice Grimm! You've arrived just in time, thank heaven.

  [points to Jack-be-Nimble] 

  Barnaby Barnicle : Arrest that man.

  [Grimm turns to Georgie Porgie] 

  Justice Grimm : Georgie Porgie?

  Barnaby Barnicle : No, imbecile. The other one.

  Justice Grimm : Your nephew?

  Barnaby Barnicle : Yes, him!