Head Office (1985)

Eddie Albert: Pete Helmes

Photos 

Quotes 

• Pete Helmes : [pointing out landmarks from the helicopter]  Colonel, that construction, that's us. That, that, I own all that. There, those two towers there. This one, over here, this one. Twenty years ago I came to this town, I had less then forty-three million dollars in my pocket. Now... I own all this. That's America, Colonel.

• [first lines] 

  Pete Helmes : Hi. My name is Pete Helmes. 30 years ago, I started a small company called INC Bearing and Tool, and with these balls of steel I built INC International. Now, we produce over 10,000 products, from a 50-megaton nuclear warhead to a creamer, nuttier peanut butter and a new, quieter, artificial heart. Every day at INC we're developing products that will improve your life, like Permalax, an all-new laxative implant, that relieves irregularity for up to 25 years with a one-step implantation. Uh, I had the, uh, Permalax implant, now I'm regular for life! Ha. But, more important, we care about you, and we care about our employees. INC is the company that cares about *people*.

• Max Landsberger : Since the 1984 oil discovery in New Guinea, we have sold the Bu!kais hill tribesmen 20 of our S-24 fighters. At $21 million per unit, that's $252 million. This has started a local arms race between the Bu!kais, and their local neighbors the Kla!klalas. Now the Kla!klalas also happen to be sitting an a large amount of oil. And now the Kla!klalas want to buy 20 of our new X-24/X-Ray Ultra Pursuit fighters for a total of $480 million.

  Pete Helmes : What are the chances of war between them?

  Bob Nixon : Very good sir. Our spare parts replacement contracts could be very lucrative.

  Pete Helmes : Who trains their flight personnel?

  Max Landsberger : Well, as near as we can assess it... well... they don't actually fly the planes. They sort of roll them down hills... crashing them into each other.

  Scott Dantley : Personally, I think that it's a shameful waste of incredible kill power.

  Pete Helmes : Make the deal.

  Bob Nixon , Scott Dantley : Absolutely.

• Pete Helmes : [1:00:41]  In the old days, I'd-a had that son of a bitch in cement and dumped into the river before you can say Henry Ford!

  Scott Dantley : Unfortunately, these are the post-Watergate '80s.

  Pete Helmes : Well, then shoot him!

  Scott Dantley : Not a wise idea, sir.

  Pete Helmes : I'm one of the most powerful men in the world, and if I can't have someone shot, then what the hell does it mean to have power anymore!

• Pete Helmes : I'm an optimist, Colonel. I look down there and see if there's anything else for me to buy.

• Pete Helmes : Okay now, what do you say Jack?

  Jack Issel : I say that you two guys, are two of the biggest assholes I've ever met.

  Scott Dantley : You're way out of line, Mister Issel!

  Pete Helmes : Jack, this is a very complicated foreign policy issue at stake here!

  Jack Issel : Don't give me this "foreign policy" stuff. I call it contemptible horse shit... sir! You just want to buy yourselves a country as if it was a stolen TV set. Then you launder hot goods and dirty dealings through something you call "foreign policy." My God. America's a democracy. We're not some international fried chicken chain!

• Bob Nixon : We have a very *nasty* terrorist problem in San Marcos, don't we, Senator?

  Sen. Issel : Mm-hmm.

  Scott Dantley : If the army had the guns, we just might be able to stop the killing.

  Pete Helmes : It's a bitch of a problem, isn't it, Jack?

  Jack Issel : Well, actually, I've been reading that it's the *army* that's doing most of the killing.

  Bob Nixon : Ha.

  Sen. Issel : Jack, the army has been busting its ass to eliminate the murder and the torture and the human rights violations down there.

  Scott Dantley : Left-wing terrorists fire-bombed our 26th Mr. Chicken franchise just yesterday.

  Pete Helmes : The Marxists are denying the people of Latin America their right to eat Mr. Chicken. And, they're denying Mr. Chicken his human right to franchise and make a profit.

  Scott Dantley : Well, I sure as hell don't want some made-in-Moscow Mr. Cabbage Roll shoved down my throat against my will.

  Bob Nixon : Absolutely. Those peasants deserve the dignity and human right to eat Mr. Chicken when and where they please.

  Pete Helmes : And Jack, when that right is threatened in the Western Hemisphere, it becomes a national security issue for the United States of America. We're talking of the very survival of the entire concept of internationally franchised chicken, Jack! You've got work to do.

• Bob Nixon : Unemployed, wall unit, push button, black 25 foot flex cord, ten weeks overdue.

  Pete Helmes : Not him again!

  Bob Nixon : Ten weeks overdue, on a balance of $154.88.

  Pete Helmes : Dis-co-nnect !