29 January 2003 | xtravaluemeal
If I were to pick two words to describe this movie it would be unbelievable and unpredictable. Unpredictable because not a single moment of this movie could be foretold. And unbelievable because it has above a 4 rating on this website. This movie doesn't deserve the use of stars, it should be given its own rating system of awful, like a 5 rectum review or something. I mean this movie stinks up something awful, so awful I had no choice but to express my sincere concern that someone else might one day view this movie, or worse pay for it. Please dont... Renny (the brilliant director of other favorites such as Cutthroat Island and Driven) has presented something truly unique to the world of cinema this time however. No protagonists and no antagonists, at least no clear ones, any time we start to develop any kind of sympathy for a character he kills them! any time something happens in this movie it is wasted, unused, unexplained. Here this should sum up the movie: 3 kids go to Finland (for spring break i guess, it has become quite the hotspot) and within 2 minutes are driving to the north pole for no reason. We soon find out that 2 of these guys are your traditional jocks/heros and one is a worthless nerd. The jocks bring guns and a bow and arrow set while the nerd just has unbelievably nerdy things for a vacation like, a camera! and clothes! and food! Our "protagonists" pick on the one normal and decent character in this movie to the point where A) its unbelievable they would be friends let alone the best of friends and B) we hate the kid too. They then shoot a few things on the border of lapland and Russia (during the cold war mind you) and decide it would be best to cross the border with their weapons to "check it out,'" like the ground would be paved with gold and the streams would flow with vodka. They then forcefully kidnap a girl so they can tell her "not to be scared," I mean i fully thought they were gonna rape this girl, but it turns out they just wanted to ask some questions. The girl screams and as you would expect they are then captured by villagers and accused of murdering a small girl by an occultist/demon possessed priest (no explanation of course) who has brain washed a village... So our americans kill everyone... EVERYONE! The military shows up so they kill more. You may be thinking... Why is this guy giving away the whole movie. I'M NOT, THIS IS ALL IN THE FIRST 10 MINUTES!!!! we havent even gotten to the HUMAN CHESS MATCH where the opponents fight to the death (apparently remmy doesnt quite get the concept of chess, what if the pawn took the knight when the knight was taking the pawn? well thats giving this movie too much credit). I watch bad movies a lot. If you are looking for one you've found it. Its damned funny, and a wonderful example in what drugs you should never take when you are on a deadline to make a movie. Just please understand, in no way is this movie good. It couldnt be good if it tried, it breaks every rule of film, theater, story, human relation, history, etc. This movie just, sucks.