B.B. King: Did you know that every 7 minutes, a black person is born in this country with no soul?

Bernice Pitnik: I'm glad to see Slappy White here today. Now at least I know my hubcaps are safe. And Rip Taylor, is that a toupee, or did a beaver curl up and die on your head? As I look at Henny Youngman today, I'm not so sure we're burying the right guy.

Steve Allen: Harvey himself is gonna throw in his two cents as soon as we take 'em off his eyelids.

Rip Taylor: What's this, an audience or a funeral? Now, pay attention, please. But I'm a little nervous because Harvey was a personal friend of mine, and there's not a person in this room that Harvey Pitnik did not touch. I must say, he touched me for 40 bucks and Steve for 20.

Rip Taylor: But I do feel for his widow, Bernice. That was a romantic marriage. She learned everything about sex from a manual. Immanuel was their gardener.

Rip Taylor: I'm sorry, I better wrap it up now, folks. 'Cause you know the old axiom in show business - 'get off quick.' Like Harvey on his wedding night.

Slappy White: But in conclusion, I'd like to say congratulations, Harvey. Rigor mortis is the closest you've ever come to a hard-on in 15 years.

Pirate 1: Help yourself, mates. A chest full of video discs.

Pirate 2: No!

Pirate 3: What good are they?

Pirate 4: Can't record on 'em.

Pirate 2: They're not compatible with my system.

Pirate Captain: [looking at the FBI Warning on the video] Ohhh, I'm so scared.

Apartment Victim: [Arsenio Hall has been on the receiving end of a wrong number for the same person three times in a row, and is getting frustrated] Ain't no fuckin' Thelma here, man! Look, the bitch don't LIVE here!


Apartment Victim: Fuck you, too!

Steve Allen: Henny, you were never funnier - and it's a shame.

Butch: I never thought I'd be miserable surrounded by beautiful dames.

Capt. Nelson: Cut the gags, Butch, we're in enough trouble...

Henry Silva: Is this the way it happened? Was Jack the Ripper in fact a sixty-foot sea serpent from Scotland? Did I take this job to make a quick buck? We may never know the answers to these questions.

Murray: Now I'm trapped in a rock video - anything but this!

Pimp: Safety and good mileage are the two things I looked for in a new car. That's why I bought a Volvo stationwagon.

Son of the Invisible Man: Being invisible is the best.

Henny Youngman: Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. Why do Jewish guys die before their wives? They want to.

Slappy White: But I was asked to say a couple of words about Harvey. How about "ugly" and "cheap"? Harvey wrote his will on his cock, and his lawyer said it would not stand up in court.

Murray: [after having been zapped into his television] Oh no! I'm in black and white!

Murray: Where am I?

Selma: On the Disney Channel. At least there I know you won't catch anything.

[the Pethouse Girl tells about her life]

Taryn Steele: I have grown so much since then. I can't hardly believe it's me. I am a beach person and a night person. I'm really sorry for everybody who doesn't live in California, because we got it all, the mountains, the sun.

Man in Pub: [humoring the "invisible man"] Oh, my. Now, how did that happen? There must be a ghost in here.

Son of the Invisible Man: Ever see a shirt make a phone call?

Harry Landers: That's not a baby, that's a Mr. Potato Head!

Selma: Murray, what are you doing on the weather?

Sy Swerdlow: Hi, I'm Sy Swerdlow... and I invented the patented process known as hair looming... If you suffer from premature hair loss... let our team of technicians visit you in the privacy of your own home, so there will be no embarrassment... You'll choose from our selection of over two hundred colors and styles... then your head will be carpeted... with 100 percent pure acrylic fiber... completely natural-looking.

Butch: What's she looking at? She acts like she's never seen a man before.

Queen Lara: She hasn't. Have you, Alpha-Beta?

Alpha Beta: No, My Queen. What are men good for?

Butch: I'm pretty good in the backseat of a Studebaker...

Dutch: Here... Dunk your whiskers in this, sister.

Butch: [takes deep breath on the moon] Ahhh... good ol' H2O!

Brenda Landers: [very upset] What kind of hospital is this?

Doctor: Alright, Mr. and Mrs. Lamaze! You see, due to a slight clerical error your son has been temporarily misplaced.

Brenda Landers: You lost our son?

Doctor: Did I say lost? I said misplaced.

Harry Landers: I'm suing you for malpractice, negligence, you name it!

Doctor: Oh great! Just jump all over me, why don't you! Just jump all over me! What about the 9 kids I didn't lose this week?

Easterbrook (segment "Pethouse Video"): [neatly suited, boring man] Hello. I'm Dr. Warren G. Easterbrook, Chairman of the President's Commission on Education. And I would like to talk to you about an ever-increasing problem: The short attention span of today's youth. Weaned as they are on television, young people today can't seem to pay attention for more than a few minutes...

voice of the announcer on the video: [interrupting, with pony logo] Pethouse Video presents an in-depth, up close and personal look at Pethouse Plaything Taryn Steele.

[nude model toying with long string of pearls]

Taryn Steele: [on four-poster brass bed, nude, fur and jewelry as accessories] Oh, so many neat things have happened to me in my life, being named Homecoming Queen, making the cheerleading squad, but the neatest thing ever was when I was recently chosen as the Pethouse Plaything of the Month. But being a Plaything hasn't changed me, I'm still the same Taryn. When I was first chosen, I was, like, really immature, but I've grown so much since then, I can hardly believe it's me.

[now outside, walking along shopping arcade balcony, nude]

Taryn Steele: I'm a beach person and a night person. I really feel sorry for anyone who doesn't live in California, 'cause we got it all, the mountains, the sun. And, like,

[going down stairs]

Taryn Steele: there's no humidity, it really blows me away.

[mingles with crowd, nude]

Taryn Steele: Here, out of the public eye, I can just fade into the crowd.

[red over-shoulder handbag, yellow earrings, nothing else]

Taryn Steele: In New York, I get hassled all the time. I don't understand it. Laguna offers me peace and solitude, away from the pressure of being a Plaything. Here, in Laguna, I can just let my mind go blank.


Taryn Steele: Art is my life. I love to browse Laguna's art galleries.

[perusing art gallery; white over-shoulder handbag, white earrings, nothing else]

Taryn Steele: And my dream is to one day have some of my things hanging here.

[nobody gives her any bother]

Taryn Steele: But, my real strength comes from my family and religious upbringing.

[in church, on pew, next to her parents; pillbox hat, veil, long white silk gloves, but nude]

Taryn Steele: I'll always be grateful to my Mom and Dad and the values they've given me, which helped me take on the awesome responsibilities of Plaything of the Month.

[sitting there reverently, butter wouldn't melt in her mouth]

Harry Landers: Now, as soon as we get our son, I'm gonna report this quack.

Brenda Landers: Thank God you took that Assertiveness Training Course.

Harry Landers: Yea.

Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s"): [blind date, he knocks at her apartment door, she opens] Karen?

Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s"): Hi.

Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s"): Hi. I'm Jerry Stone.


Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s"): Hi, Jerry, nice meeting you. I'm sorry, I'm running a little bit late.

[closes the door]

Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s"): Oh, don't worry about it. You look nice

Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s"): Thank you.

Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s"): [looking around] This is a great apartment.

Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s"): [off to bathroom mirror to check up on how she looks] Thanks.

Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s"): [uses breath spray, stands mesmerized by the sight of the lovely girl preening herself] Uh, I hope you like sushi. I made reservations at, uh, Tokyo Rose on Columbus.

Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s"): Great. I hear it's terrific.

Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s"): Normally there's a waiting list, but I know the maitre d'.

[she emerges from bathroom, goes to hall closet]

Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s"): You know, I gotta tell you, I never go on blind dates, but, uh, I just have a feeling that this might be special.

[she is putting on a leather coat]

Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s"): Jerry, before we leave, do me one small favor, will you?

Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s"): Sure. What?

Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s"): Would you mind showing me a credit card and a valid driver's license?

Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s"): You're kidding. Why?

Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s"): Well, I'd like to run a couple's compatibility check.

Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s"): What... what the heck is that?

Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s"): You know, Jerry, it's tough being a single girl in the big city. You meet all kinds of phonies and creeps. That's why this machine comes in handy. I just enter your I.D., and the central computer will tell me all about your background.

Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s"): [chuckles] I don't want a bank loan. I just wanna take you out.


Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s"): I know, but I'd feel better running a security check. Two I.D.'s please.

Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s"): You're serious.

[she nods, machine beeps, and he takes out his wallet]

Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s"): It'll just take a minute.

Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s"): This is ridiculous, but, uh...

[hands over the cards, as she punches number pad]

Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s"): here's, uh...

Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s"): [speaking on phone] Three-one-six.

[smiling at him]

Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s"): That's a cute picture.

[soft laugh]

Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s"): [handing back his cards as machine scans his dating records] I don't know how I ever got along without one or these. Changed my life.

Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s"): Feel the same way about my VCR. Ooh,

[checks watch]

Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s"): hey, right now, I'm taping Sophie's Choice with Meryl Streep.

Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s"): I love Meryl Streep.

Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s"): [piously] Oh, I am so into her.

Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s"): [reading his personal data printouts, giggling] This is great!

Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s"): What? What?


Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s"): [giggles] Oh.

Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s"): What you got there?

Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s"): [roguish smile, but then:] Uh-oh.

[her bubble bursts, and she sighs]

Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s"): Uh-oh. What's... what's uh-oh?

Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s"): Jerry...

[sits down]

Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s"): Does the name Debbie Rothenberg mean anything to you?

Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s"): Uh... Debbie Rothenberg... uh, oh yeah... I think I went out with her once or twice.

Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s"): [snaps] You had sex with her on the second date, and then you never called her again.

[turns away]

Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s"): I hate it when guys do that.

Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s"): [wide-eyed] It says all that?

Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s"): Does the phrase "You're not only beautiful, but you're someone I feel I can open up to" mean anything to you?

[he chuckles guiltily]

Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s"): I'm not surprised. You've used that line on your last sixteen dates.

Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s"): Okay, this is ridiculous. Debbie, uh, Karen... I think we have something very special here. You're not like the other women you...

Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s"): ...you meet in the city. See what I mean? And, Jerry, I could never get serious about someone who's selfish in bed.

Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s"): [repeating, dumbfounded] "Who's selfish in bed"?

Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s"): Well,

[gets up]

Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s"): how would you describe a man who... satisfies his own needs and rolls over and goes to sleep?

[walks off to go put away her coat]

Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s"): [indignated] I never did that in my life!

Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s"): [jumps back] Eleven times! You want names and dates?

[she has the info]

Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s"): No, no, I do not! Look, hey, hold it! Anyway, that is just a small fraction of the hundreds of times I've been intimate with women.

Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s"): [the coat is back in the closet] We're exaggerating a little, aren't we, Jerry?

[scoffs, consults info]

Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s"): I mean, the record only shows twenty-one sexual intimacies.

[hands it to him]

Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s"): There you are.

Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s"): Look, look, hey, this doesn't jibe with my figures.

[impatient now]

Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s"): Okay, sweetie?

Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s"): Jerry, the statistics don't paint the picture of a mature man. Twelve times, you ignored your date at a party to flirt with a more attractive woman. A hundred-and-sixty-nine times, you feigned interest when a woman was talking about her career. On seventeen occasions, you lied to women telling them you were really into sushi and Meryl Streep movies.

[he's really wide-eyed]

Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s"): Make that eighteen times.

[walks away in disgust]

Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s"): Wh-wh-where do they get these figures?

Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s"): [holds the door open for him] As you can see, Jerry, it would be pointless for you and I to go out.

Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s"): Oh, yeah?

[starts leaving]

Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s"): Well, I'm gonna get one of these machines and see how well you come off! Okay?

Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s"): Good night, Jerry.


Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s"): It's early yet. Maybe you can still get lucky in a bar.

[closes door, then peers out again]

Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s"): Like you did last Thursday!

[slams door shut]