Horace: Wolfman's got nards!

Patrick: Rudy, where you going?

Rudy: [cigarette in his mouth, pulling out crossbow] I'm in the goddamn club aren't I ?

Horace: [to Sean] Scary German guy is bitchin'!

Scary German Guy: [as Sean, Patrick, and Horace are leaving Scary German Guy's house] I expect you boys thought I was some kind of monster myself, mm? A vampire, perhaps? That's quite all right. But I am not, you know. If I were a vampire, then I wouldn't have a reflection...

[points to mirror, where he is clearly visible]

Scary German Guy: ... now would I?

Horace: Man, you sure know a lot about monsters.

Scary German Guy: Now that you mention it, I suppose I do.

[Scary German Guy closes door, revealing a concentration camp tattoo on his wrist]

Dracula: [holding Phoebe up by her throat] Give me the amulet, you BITCH!

E.J.: Hey Fat Kid! Good job.

Horace: My name... is Horace!

[Cocks shotgun]

Sean: Rudy. Question.

Rudy: Shoot.

Sean: Know any virgins?

Rudy: [spit take]

[Dracula throws dynamite in the boys' tree house]

Dracula: Meeting adjourned.

[the tree house explodes]

Phoebe: [outside the tree house, wanting to join the club] Mom says you have to let me in or else it's prescription!

Sean: That's 'discrimination' jerkoid! Prescription is drugs, which you're on if you think you're getting in here!

Sean: If we pull this off, I'm gonna shit!

Rudy: You dropped your candy bar, E.J.

E.J.: It's his.

Rudy: It's yours now.

E.J.: Rudy!

Rudy: Eat.

E.J.: Rudy, I'm not gonna...

Rudy: Eat up! Then we'll call it a day.

Eugene: Creature stole my twinkie!

Frankenstein: BOGUS! Bogus.

Rudy: Where the hell am I supposed to find silver bullets? Kmart?

Rudy: [after ridding the mummy] See ya later, Band-Aid Breath!

Sean: Don't kick the church, it's religious!

Rudy: Locked is what it is!

Sean: Alright then, we'll just have to do it out here.

Horace: Oh REAL religious, Sean, why don't we just do it at Burger King?

Eugene: Is she a versgin?

Scary German Guy: Yes, she can do it!

Patrick: She can't read, she's five years old!

Scary German Guy: I'll help her!

Horace: No, Sean! Scary house! Real monsters! Us, twelve years old, remember?

Sean: Midnight, end of the world, remember?

Sean: Rudy, find some silver bullets.

Rudy: Where the hell am I suppose to find silver bullets?

Sean: I don't know. Fat kid get a map, find Shadowbrook Road.

Horace: What do I look in the index for "big scary mansion?"

Patrick: You're not a virgin are you?

Patrick's Sister: [shakes her head]

Patrick: No? What do you mean No?

Patrick's Sister: Well, Steve... but he doesn't count.

Patrick: DOESN'T COUNT?

Patrick: Aww, man, fat kid farted!

[begging the cops to lock him up]

Wolfman: [fires two shots in the air] Lock me up!

Det. Del Crenshaw: [about the killer in the 12th Groundhog Day movie] I thought they killed him in the last one.

Sean: They did, he returns from the grave.

Det. Del Crenshaw: He always returns from the grave. If they blew him up, put his head in a blender and mailed the rest of him to Norway, he would still return from the grave!

Sean: That was part 7.

Patrick: [going to approach Scary German Guy] So what's German for 'please don't murder us'?

Scary German Guy: [comes up behind them] Bitte uns nicht Mord zu tun.

Opening Text: One hundred years before this story begins... it was a time of darkness in Transylvania... A time when Dr. Abraham Van Helsing... and a small band of freedom fighters... conspired to rid the world of vampires and monsters... and to save mankind from the forces of eternal evil... They blew it.

Rudy: See? Told ya. Only one way to kill a werewolf.

[At the treehouse the squad does a team huddle with their hands. Pete, the dog, lifts its paw on top]

Rudy: How does that dog get up here anyway?

Det. Del Crenshaw: Suck on this you son of a bitch!

Detective Sapir: So let me get this straight. You're telling me there was this two-thousand year-old mummy here, right? But now he's not here. He's gone. Vanished. History. And you're saying you didn't hear anybody come in here or leave, is that right? Can you hear me now? Hello!

Night Watchman: I can hear you fine.

Detective Sapir: So nobody took the mummy.

Night Watchman: I would've heard them.

Detective Sapir: 'Course he would've. What a stupid question. Did you take him?

Night Watchman: No sir!

Detective Sapir: Just a shot.

Detective Sapir: That's it, Del. This case is too hard, man, Let's be firemen instead.

Det. Del Crenshaw: I'm glad you're gettin' major laughs outta this, Rich. The problem is two-thousand year-old dead guys do not get up and walk away by themselves.

Eugene: Mummy came in my house.

Sean: I think there are monsters, like real ones! I heard my dad talking on the phone to a guy down at the police station tonight. There was a guy down there screaming he was a werewolf, and they shot him! And the body disappeared from the coroner van, the coroner guy was dead!

Rudy: So what? He got shot and the werewolf took his body?

Sean: No you bean head! He WAS a werewolf! Maybe

Rudy: Yeah but if they shot him?

Sean: It must've been regular bullets, not silver ones. Look I know this sounds stupid, a mummy disappeared from the museum tonight.

Eugene: Mummy came in my house!

Sean: Guys, Dracula might be here too.

Patrick: Oh man, Fat Kid farted!

Horace: Did not!

Sean: God damn will you guys SHUT UP? Didn't you hear a word I said? These guys are dead, get a clue! Something's out there and it's killing people! And if it's monsters, nobody's going to do a thing about it except us!

Sean: Is she a virgin?

Patrick's Sister: Why don't you broadcast it on the 6 o' clock news?

Patrick's Sister: [about the Scary German Guy] Why don't you have him read it?

Patrick: He's not a virgin!

Patrick's Sister: Did you ask him?

Horace: [about Scary German Guy] Maybe he's a spy.

Sean: Oh good idea! We're not at war with Germany.

Phoebe: We were at war with Vietnam.

Sean: What?

Phoebe: It's in Rambo!

[holds a glinting sharp knife in the dim sunlight of his living room]

Scary German Guy: Boys, time is almost up.

[after a moment pause]

Scary German Guy: For last chance of some pie.

Phoebe: It's Frankenstein, guys. He's our friend. Come on, guys. Don't be chickenshits.