G.W. Bailey: Capt. Harris
Photos
Quotes
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Captain Harris : Don't touch those! Don't you ever touch my balls without asking!
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Capt. Thaddeus Harris : Proctor, this is an alley.
Proctor : I know sir but these are the directions Mahoney gave me.
Capt. Thaddeus Harris : Mahoney?
Proctor : Yes he says this restaurant has the best salad bar in town.
Capt. Thaddeus Harris : Well it damn sure better have!
[they go inside]
Capt. Thaddeus Harris : Proctor, I don't see a salad bar.
Proctor : [sees the name of the restaurant, "The Blue Oyster"] Look sir. Maybe they serve seafood.
[laughs]
Capt. Thaddeus Harris : Not funny you idiot!
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[Capt. Harris sees Zed and Laura goofing off in front of the academy pool]
Captain Harris : [on the bullhorn] What the hell is this, cadets in heat?
Zed : No, we were, like, just talking.
Captain Harris : Oh, well, "just, like, talk" somewhere else. This is not a spawning pool. I want discipline. Do I make myself clear, Zed?
[back on the bullhorn; screams]
Captain Harris : DISCIPLINE!
Zed : Jerk!
Captain Harris : [screams again] WHAT?
Laura : [defends Zed] He said, "bye".
[Harris, convinced that that's what Zed "thought" he said, proceeds away from them]
Zed : [to Laura] No, I said-I said, "jerk". I think I was pretty clear. I said "jerk".
Laura : [agrees] Jerk. Mm-hmm.
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Capt. Thaddeus Harris : Citizens On Patrol. What a joke. You know what C.O.P. really stands for Proctor?
Proctor : No sir what?
Capt. Thaddeus Harris : Collection Of Pissants.
[Proctor laughs]
Capt. Thaddeus Harris : That's not funny Proctor.
Proctor : No sir.
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Captain Harris : What are you looking at, you... peckerhead!
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Zed : [teaching a class to the cadets] Cadets, I'd like now to discuss with you something that will be vital for you to know when you're, like, out there on the job as a police officer, and that's the correct way on how to eat a doughnut. A doughnut...
Proctor : [enters the classroom] Attention!
[the cadets stand up at attention]
Proctor : Captain Harris?
[Capt. Harris enters wearing a medical device with his hands suspended in the air not long after Zed switched Harris' Right Guard deodorant spray with a can of Mace, which the latter burned Harris' armpits]
Captain Harris : [to the cadets] From this moment on, anyone who misplaces their canister of Mace will reprimanded and fined. Is that clear?
Cadets : [in unison] YES, SIR!
[Harris and Proctor leaves]
Zed : Bye.
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[after the Citizens On Patrol team accidentally foil a police sting operation, they're met with an angry Capt. Harris and sidekick Lt. Proctor, the former also delighted that his plan to make the program fail succeeded]
Captain Harris : [furious; to Mahoney, the trainers, and the downtrodden civilian recruits] Three months' work out the window, down the drain. Your Citizens on Patrol just screwed up the single biggest police undercover sting operation
[screaming]
Captain Harris : in the HISTORY OF THIS CITY!
Proctor : Tell 'em the good news, sir.
Captain Harris : Thank you, Proctor.
Proctor : You're welcome, sir.
Captain Harris : As of now, the C.O.P. program is suspended, pending a full investigation.
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Captain Harris : just look at zed you are a disgrace to the uniform.
