Carol Weston: My biggest fear is that there is no such thing as PMS and that this is who I really am.

Dr. Harry Weston: Laverne, I've just told a ten-year-old boy that he's become a woman!

Laverne Higby Todd Kane: Then he'll probably be wanting a second opinion

Dr. Harry Weston: When you name your daughter Rita, you should probably expect a slut.

Dorothy Zbornak: How do you do. I'm Dorothy Zbornak.

Laverne Higby Todd Kane: Geriatrics is two doors down on the left.

[repeated line]

Carol Weston: I am sick!

Officer Barbara Weston: Charley, why do you have beef jerky in your pocket?

Charley Dietz: Maybe I'm just pleased to see you.

Charley Dietz: Hi all. Feed me.

Carol Weston: To what?

Officer Barbara Weston: [cooking] Charley, don't you want to stay for dinner?

Charley Dietz: I don't know, Barbara. It smells real bad.

Charley Dietz: I don't wanna change my image at all. I'm happy with who I am.

Carol Weston: Mistake.