Murphy: Men are like Dove bars - one is great, two make you throw up.
Murphy: I was waiting for the universe to dispense some justice but sometimes the universe is just too damn slow. The effects of putting Nair in someone's styling gel, however, only take a few minutes.
[to a Russian journalist who has just insulted her]
Murphy: Oh yeah? Well I can't take ANYTHING you say seriously with that stupid accent. You sound like you should be "plottink beeg trabble for moose and skvirrel"!
[Attempting to breast-feed her newborn son]
Murphy: I finally have a chest and the only man in my life doesn't know what to do with it!
Kay: Oh, good morning, my little worker ants! That's just a figure of speech; I would NEVER compare you to insects. At least not after that sensitivity training seminar those maggots at the network forced me to attend!
Murphy: [talking to Stuart Best] There was no chemistry, there was no old gang! And if there was, you weren't apart of it. You drove us nuts! Taking off your shoes, humming while you ate, and there's no such word as alls, it's all. It's all I know! It wasn't the network, it was us! We wanted you fired! My names Murph-Y! Get off the stage.
Stan Lansing: Though I am a sucker for that rascal's nimble wordplay, it's not Dick who has millions of housewives glued to their sets. Dick is a punster. Punsters you can replace with a relative. It's Dottie, Murphy. Dottie is the show.
Murphy: Ah-ha. So what you're saying is, that you're willing to be Dickless, but you refuse to be Dotless.
Jim: I can't hear you. My flesh is being consumed by acid.
Kay: I've talked to the network and they agree that given the quality of your work lately, they have no choice but to give all of you five days at a beautiful Mexican resort totally at their expense. See what I did there? You thought I was going to do something evil but I went a different way!
Steve Kroft: [crossover promotion ad with ]
Steve Kroft: ] I'm Steve Kroft.
Lesley Stahl: I'm Lesley Stahl.
Scott Pelley: I'm Scott Pelley.
Anderson Cooper: I'm Anderson Cooper.
Bill Whittaker: I'm Bill Whittaker.
Murphy Brown: And I'm Murphy Brown.
Bill Whittaker: Wait; what?
Lesley Stahl: Are you kidding?
Murphy Brown: [shrugs in exasperation]
Anderson Cooper: Wait a minute; did she come before me?
Lesley Stahl: Not on our show.
Steve Kroft: No way.
Bill Whittaker: Not happening.
Anderson Cooper: [getting up with his cellphone] I gotta call my agent.
Murphy Brown: Aw, c'mon guys, I'll play nice!